


Dreams of the Shore/Near Another World

by iplaythegayme



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassin's Creed Fusion, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Animus -ish, Canon Era, M/M, Slow Build, Titans, Witness the past, kind of... but not quite, past vs. present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-04 06:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 116,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1077868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iplaythegayme/pseuds/iplaythegayme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''Levi, is that you?'' I raise my head at the voice. It's weird, it really is, because Levi isn't my name... and I find myself answering to it like I'm used to it. Like it's mine. Always has been. I crave for a different voice calling it somehow though and I can't even make any sense of this impression. This is not the voice I want to hear saying this name, but it's the only one I have now.</p><p>Our eyes meet and I was right. I recognize him right away... Blonde hair. Big blue eyes. I know this is Armin Arlet without even meeting Armin Arlet.</p><p>''Levi, it is you!''</p><p>He smiles brightly and walks up the few meters between us. He acts like he knows me, like he's familiar with me, but...</p><p>''I am not Levi.''</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Levi

**Author's Note:**

> For a while, I wasn't sure how to name this fic... It could have been 'Replayer'. For a while, I thought that's what it would be. Until I saw another fic called 'Replay'... I changed my mind then. If you played Chrono Cross back in the day, this title I picked might be familiar. It is indeed the title of the track number 7 on the 1st Disc of the Soundtrack for the game. It is a good soundtrack and I have this one song in mind when I think about a particular moment that is going to happen in this fic!
> 
> This Fic is slightly - I mean, really - different from Headlock or anything else I've put written in English yet. However, it is a lot more in the genre I enjoy. It's closer to things I usually write in French and I hope you'll like it a much as me! This really is a mix of a bunch of thing. It's a Science-Fiction AU and this is more into my cords than anything else. I just hope the barrier between our language won't make it too hard on me!  
> I picked inspiration here and there... There's a bit of Assassin's Creed in it. It's not only because of the Animus vs. The Replayer. It's also because of the themes in general. The mix between realities; past, present and future. Each Assassin's bringing something to the Present; their Future. Experience. Knowledge. Will. I don't want to spoil to much of it... You should just... give it a try!
> 
> I'm sorry I suck at Summary ahah!

White. The first thing I see is white. This world is light, pure white light. I’m floating, but it isn’t floating, really. I am standing, but there isn’t a ground for me to stand on. I’m standing in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of this white light. It’s difficult to describe what it feels like, so I’ll just state the facts as I dive into the world of the machine for the first time. It starts with a line, just one line in front of me. It’s thin and horizontal considering my point of view, but there’s no way to assume its position from me. When I walk forward, it doesn’t get closer. From there, there are quite a few lines joining in the sight. Vertical. Curved. There are lots of them and they slowly shape the world around me. I find it hard to describe a world filled with blue lines on a white empty universe for canvas, but it’s just like they told me. Yet, it’s different from what I imagined. The colors, when they finally join in all together, just make it even more obvious. I could never have imagined it to be this way. I had no way to believe in something like this, yet it is right there; Just in front of me. I could never have imagined the walls to be like this. Not this high. Not this massive. I expected something impressive and breathtaking, but this is beyond everything I expected...

It’s out of this world.

''Levi.'' It all starts with this simple word, this name. It’s his name. It’s mine now. It’s the name of this body I equip like a new skin I’m suddenly conscious of. It’s not mine and yet, I’m in it like it’s mine as I see through his eyes. ''You were reckless...''

 _He_ turns around... or rather, his head turns around slightly. It’s just enough for his eyes to reach for the tall silhouette behind him. It takes a second for him to acknowledge the presence before his head turns back to look straight ahead as he resumes walking toward the gate. It looks like a small manhole at the bottom of the wall. That’s how stupidly small it looks... but that’s nothing to how stupidly small he is in comparison to the tall blonde catching up to him. While the blonde takes one step, he takes two to keep up with him. There’s about a one head difference between them I’d say. He has to lift his chin up to look at him, when he does.

''I saved someone's life... That's all that matters, Erwin.''

The voice is cold and boring. It's not just because he seems like he's already bored by that conversation, it's like his voice doesn't have any intonation beside this one. One monotone tone firm enough to make me doubt who's the highest in rank. With that, the blonde doesn't press the issue. For an instant, I believe that the short male is the boss of the two... until another voice calls for the blonde using the title 'Commander' while his title is...

''Look! It’s Corporal Levi!'' calls a childish voice somewhere in the crowd. It takes a second, but it’s enough for him. He takes it all in with his eyes in that moment, incredibly sharp. It comes from a small boy. He’s about ten years old, not much more. It doesn’t last long enough for me to actually describe him, but I do catch one thing about him: his eyes. Even from this distance, I know. They’re a kind of green you don’t get to see often.

Apple Green.

Annoyed, he clicks his tongue and turns his head to look straight ahead again. A bunch of kids getting all excited over him is nothing... he doesn’t care. He heard them all too often whining over his title as Humanity’s Strongest. Way too often. This kid, or another, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. For him, this kid is like any other kid.

It all stops. It’s like pressing pause in a movie where you are the main character. Every single thing stops. Leaves stop in the middle of the air like everything else. Every single color suddenly leaves the world just like it appeared in the first place to leave it in white, white covered with blue lines. The lines disappear too. Slowly. One by one. Until it’s just white, perfectly white just like pure light.

That’s it, I’m back to the beginning... back to where I first entered this world.

The next step is opening my eyes. It usually is the kind of task you do without thinking. Having to actually think about it is something weird. It’s actually hard to open my eyes at this moment. It’s like I don’t want to go back to the real world. It takes me a second to actually remember how to open them, but it all comes back to me naturally and I open them. I’m back in my reality, my world... and my body. I’m back in the office where I entered the past for the first time. I’m saying first time because, well... I just have the feeling I’m the guy they need for this job... and she confirms it. That's right, I'm the guy they need to do this and I need the money. This is a perfect deal. Everyone gets something. I'll earn money while doing nothing more than going through this guy's Fantasy-ish life; Levi's life. Isn't that simple as fuck? It's easy, if anything. It's like watching a movie... but as a part of it.

''You’re synchronization rate is incredibly high! Most of the applicants couldn’t even maintain the connection with the data for more than a few seconds... some couldn’t even access it.''

Tablet in hand, she walks in front of me to look at my face closely. For a moment, it seems like she's just checking on me, but it's beyond that. She doesn't ask me to do anything to prove my stability yet. She just looks at me curiously. She's just looking at me, eyeing me.

''You kind of look like him too...'' She concludes with a smile before moving back a little. It was about time. Four-Eyes really was starting to invade my personal space for too long. It was starting to get to me. ''Alright! Look up... Good. Down. Perfect. Left. Right. Can you stand?''

Of course I can. Shouldn't that be the first thing to do when you get someone out of that system? Someone got excited I guess. She barely acknowledges me after that. She gives me a tablet similar to hers, but barely explains it to me as she dives back into her own. It's footage. Footage I just went through. The crowds. The faces of thousands of people. The face of the kids.  I don't even know how she manages to get through the labyrinth of corridors to lead the way with her eyes glued to the screen, but we somehow reach the elevator... and that's when she acknowledges me again.

''You'll be working on the 14th floor. Your work station will be number 14-05. Everything is in the tablet I just gave you. Keep it with you at all time. With it, you can log into the system, enter  and move into the building through the areas you have access to.''

I nod and I'm about to answer verbally due to the lack of interest she seems to have in me over whatever is happening on her tablet. I am cut short by the door of the elevator opening. It leaves me speechless. Do not expect an ordinary office. Imagine the most classy and modern office you possibly can. Every workstation is surrounded by a round walls. High enough to hide you from sight when sitting... or probably even when standing in my case, but whatever. From the exterior, it looks like a cocoon and it gives something close to an intimate feeling... even without a door.

''Everyone on our floor is working on the same project as you; Project Titans.  I'll be your direct boss; I'm the manager in charge of this project. Most of the staff has a different target. You're the only one with Levi... or rather, in Levi. However, Levi isn't your target.''

She explains as she leads me through everything until she reaches one empty workstation. There's nothing on the bookshelf. There's nothing on the desk. It's empty. It's mine.

''Make yourself comfortable!''

Easier said than done. If there's something I dislike about the modernity of my new office, it's the coldness. It's like a picture taken off a magazine or a Science-Fiction movie where I'd feel bad just sitting in that chair and moving it.

''Sure. Thanks.'' It's awkward. I'm not a very social person... or so I believe. It's like I never know what I'm supposed to say, but I do know what I want to ask for now. ''If Levi isn't your target of interest... who is it?''

She smiles to that question, like she's getting excited over this suddenly. She does something on her tablet real quick before motioning me to look at mine. It's a weird feeling that goes over me when I see the picture on the screen. It's like I expected this. It's the small boy I saw when I was in the machine. Somehow, I knew it would be him. It had to be him and yet, I don't even know how I could possibly know. It's impossible. I can't know him... and yet I do. This is...

''From our information, the boy is Eren Jaeger and was also known as Humanity's Last Hope. The scene you saw earlier is the first time Levi saw him.. even though he didn't know him and had no idea who he would be...''

Here it is. They're not going to make Levi a Hero in some kind of movie... or video game, they will turn the kid into the Hero. Levi is just the tool to get data on the boy. It never was about Levi, so...

''You don't have any data about the boy himself.''

''It seems the boy never had an heir for his genes to pass on... and a body was never found to maintain through conservation.''

It is weird... a part of me is relieved and I don't even begin to make sense of this feeling. Why am I relieved some stupid brat didn't have any children? Why am I relieved about the absence of a body... It should be something sad, something horrible. There's nothing good about dying without a body to mourn.

I nod to her and sit in the chair that is now mine for the first time in front of my terminal, my door to the world of Levi... and Eren. Their universe filled with Titans, the death of loved ones and strong determination. There's nothing happy about such a world, yet the woman in front of me smiles happily before leaving me to my work, her auburn ponytail bouncing when she walks.

Usually, when you start a new job, you're kind of uneasy about it. You don't know what you're suppose to do... or how to do it. That's how I usually am. I kept my job for close to ten years, it is weird for me to get into another one... or so I thought when I came in this morning, but it's not. When I press the button or when I put the headset on and open my eyes to the white world again, I know this is where I should be. It's like I know I have something to do here without knowing what it is... it's unsettling and yet, kind of motivating at the same time. It's like I waited for this to finally happen. Waited for what? What is this thing I waited for?

This time, it doesn't start with the world of Levi, it starts with my body and my clothes changing slightly into Levi. It isn't much because, like she said, I do look like him, but he is much more muscular than I am. His hands, in front of me, are rougher.

I am not Levi even though I look like him.

''Welcome Replayer Rivaille'' calls an androgynous, monotone and robotic voice in the white void of light. ''Shall we resume with the current memory?''

''Sure.''

And so the lines start to appear again... starting with the Horizon.

 


	2. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sequence happening in the Replayer aren't like... One after Another. In the Replayer, you see one's life and it doesn't skip the boring stuff. In the fic, we will skip a few stuff happening in the Canon Universe because we all watched the show/or read the manga. I will add lot of scene from the Replayer of course, but they aren't necessarily happening one after another. I added a little intro to every 'Replayer' moment. The number of the session is actually the date! 
> 
> I'd like to add a little more info regarding Levi/Rivaille and everyone's name. First, Rivaille being basically the same as Levi isn't something that should be known in the universe they're in. I mean, we do know it's the same name... but that's us! ;) It is intended for Rivaille to actually be called Rivaille instead of Levi. It is less confusing and he isn't quite Levi anyway so it's easier to tell them apart. While Rivaille merges with Levi, it isn't the same with every one else. A random character called Alexandre could be using the Replayer to go through Mike's memory for example. It doesn't have to be the same person/name. Just making that clear in case you were wondering! =)
> 
> I hope you enjoy! =)

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 05-26_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_There’s blood. There’s a lot of blood; Blood from the Titans, before it disappears, and the blood of Humanity. It doesn’t disappear. I just won't. The rain will wash it away, but it won’t go away just like that. It stains the world and colors it red. It could be like any other scene where Levi had to fight and kill Titans. This scene isn’t special really. It’s just another part of his life, another battle scene… or it could be, until there’s this particular light breaking out in the sky. It reminds Levi of lightning, but it’s not like Thunder. It’s like five years ago, it’s the same light. It starts from the earth suddenly and it rises up in the sky. The light coming from it is nearly blinding him, that’s how strong it is. It’s yellow-green, not like thunder. There isn’t a sound when it breaks up the sky again. He doesn’t know what it is... but it has happened before._

_It is bound to attract him and it’s no surprise he finds himself reaching the scene. He doesn’t really think about what needs to be done, he has this strong sense of duty. He just acts. When he sees the three soldiers on the ground, he just knows that’s what he needs to do. He reaches for his blades and everything else happens smoothly. It really doesn’t take long for him to down the Titans and they fall in some kind of nice and neat pile just starting to go up in steam before the kids._

_Again, more blood flows._

_It is weird how that particular scene holds so many details while others lack some, but he feels the steam going off around him from the corpses of the titans he just killed. He feels the wind going through his cloak as he turns around to see the kids behind him. There are three kids, but one of them manages to catch his attention quicker than the other two. He remembers the way the kid opens his eyes slowly to look at him. The way his eyes go for the back of the cloak while mumbling something and then back to his face. They are a very unique green color. Levi does not remember them, but I do. Once again, his lips move, but it’s small. He looks like he’s about to pass out, that’s what Levi thinks of him when he first notices the kid; the kid doesn’t have any strength left in his body. Whatever he did, it took an incredible amount of energy and it drained him._

_... whatever it is he did._

_He's responsible for this; the lightning, the boulder, the titans… It could have been someone else really. I could be anyone else. It could be the girl, or the blonde boy, but he just knew already. Certainty. He didn’t have to see it._

_It couldn’t be anyone other than him._

_''Hey brats, what’s going on here?''_

 

-           

 

As usual, the room is filled with the scent of coffee as they discuss boring stuff. Most of it doesn’t concern me and I don’t even know who’s doing what… I find myself trying to find who’s who at that round table. The tall boy and the beefy blonde right next to him are going through the memories of two boys in the same squad as Eren, but I still can’t catch their names completely; Reiner and Bert-Something. They’re the only ones worth my attention in here when they report their explorations, that's what I assume at first. I tell myself I should probably listen with attention as they speak of him. They report trivial matters and I quickly lose myself in my cup of coffee between my hands, but I do catch a few things from all this… and my own adventure in the Replayer.

 

Eren isn’t a prodigy, he’s just an ordinary boy with an overwhelming determination to fill in for the lack of talent. He isn’t that good at fighting and he isn’t a strategist either. He is far from being a prodigious hero like they want everyone to believe he is. Eren Jaeger is a messiah or a symbol more than anything; a symbol leading to a dream. A messiah opening the path, but he doesn’t guarantee the outcome… or the path itself. It might be a hard one, but he wouldn’t know. He’s a dreamer himself, he dreams of the world more than anything. There’s no way to know if the path is the right one, yet he takes it without doubt. Humanity’s Hope does suit him, but he could also be its end.

 

After all, he _is_ a Titan.

 

‘’Eren Jaeger’s lover would probably be an interesting extra to the movie…’’

 

‘’Wait… Who?’’ Oh, right. I probably should have paid more attention after Bert-Something and Reiner made their shitty report. I thought this meeting was useless to me. I wanted to go back to the Replayer as soon as possible… I wanted to finally meet him. I was about to finally see him, but they had to call me in for a meeting now of all times! I’d make my own idea of him, through Levi, and it couldn't wait. To me, it couldn't.

 

But Hey, you know, this meeting might not be too bad after all. I also want to know about his lover from the guy sitting across the table…

 

Eh, Why do I care, again?

 

‘’Oh right, Rivaille doesn’t know about this yet!’’ explains my boss cheerfully and I don’t even try to hide the expression on my face when she states all this in joy. I mean, yeah, she usually gets on my nerves easily, but it’s slightly different now. I can’t even explain it myself. ‘’There was a soldier in the Survey Corps with a particular sense of smell among other things; Mike Zacharius. Through his memories, we had access to his doubt regarding Eren’s love life. We thought Eren had no interest in such things, but it seems we were wrong…’’

 

A guy with the ability to smell stuff… saying he thought Eren Jaeger had a lover? I don’t know if it’s just me and my sick imagination, but isn’t that weird? Is this related to the smelling ability? That would be kind of disturbing… He definitely wouldn't catch the smell of love, but the smell of sex… and I just don’t know how to deal with this information. One part of me thinks this is useless information because Eren Jaeger was probably just like any other teenager; jerking off in his room. The other part, well, it turns my stomach around.

 

‘’Right… but who is it?’’

 

‘’We don’t know yet, we believe it might be his friend… the Asian girl.’’

 

Oh… I recall the scene where I saw Eren in the Replayer. He had his friend and I remember the girl, that girl. Is that her? No. No way, I know it’s not. Something in me tells me otherwise… but that’s not all. It pisses me off. Why would it be her? It isn’t right… There’s no way!

 

‘’Alright.’’ It’s just that, there’s no way to explain that feeling either, it doesn’t even make sense to me. I can’t tell them such a thing. It’s just a hunch, an intuition. There’s nothing about it. ‘’I’ll see what I can find.’’

 

I assure them, but I won’t do it for them. I’ll do it for myself… because I have to know. I have to certify it… She isn’t Eren Jaeger’s girlfriend. Never has been. Never will.

 

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 05-28_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''Answer you piece of crap, what do you want to do?''_

_There isn’t any pause for the boy to actually think about his answer like Levi first thought he would. He didn’t expect a long pause filled with anxiety, but he still expected a little one.. just for him to make a decision. Yet, there’s nothing. Eren Jaeger doesn’t need to think. He’s already getting worked up in his cell, sitting and looking straight at Levi without any hesitation… As if the words aren’t convincing enough on their own, the expression on his face and the fire in his eyes is overwhelming. That does it. That fire... No, it’s Lightning. He’s just like that yellow-green thunder striking through the sky when he transforms into a Titan. It’s the color of his eyes. It’s the strength of his emotions. Eren Jaeger is Lightning. One moment he’s lost like a little puppy, the next he shows tremendous will. The will to fight. The will to kill. The will to win and to kill them all..._

_The will to unleash the Lightning._

_''I want to join the Survey Corps… and just kill the Titans!''_

_It’s like the words are absolute. There’s no other way for him, it’s as simple as that… and it leaves an impression on Levi. It might be the way the chain clinks when he moves forward in his bed to say that, adding to the scene. It might be the way his last words echo inside Levi like a Mantra. He can hear it a thousand times through that instant. I'll kill them all! It’s like he heard that a lot… or will hear it a lot, but he isn’t annoyed. All of them! Actually, if anything, it is nostalgic; that’s what he thinks when he hears it going off in him. Slaughtering them! It’s like he saw this scene before, like he knows Eren will tell him that over and over again; I’ll kill them all! ALL THE TITANS, I’LL KILL THEM!_

_Of course, he believes the kid can be of use too. He can be a strong weapon for them and all that, but that’s not all there is to it. If Eren Jaeger really is a hope for humanity… If he really saves them…_

_In the end, who is going to save Eren Jaeger?_

_''Oh? Not bad.''_

_He can’t say if he will succeed at this, he just knows he’ll make sure to see this through the end._

 

-           

 

I’m not one to forget my responsibilities or anything. It wasn’t like this as first. I wouldn’t go home late even if something awesome was happening in the Replayer. I mean, the most interesting moment used to be the Battle Scenes with the Titans where Levi would kill them like a badass. Other than that, nothing much was happening in Levi’s life. His whole existence revolved around Titans. The only other thing he had going on was a little ambiguous relationship with one of his subordinates; a little woman with short ginger hair. I mean, ambiguous because he probably didn’t realize they weren’t seeing the relationship the same way at all, it’s not like I was interested in this little romance stuff… or so I believed, but it’s more like I knew it wasn’t going to happen somehow.

 

You could say Eren Jaeger changed my investments and interest in the Replayer…

 

It started with the meeting where I didn’t want to be, right after Eren gets into Levi’s life for the first time, but it wasn’t that bad at the time. I wouldn’t forget to go home… and make dinner for that. Not yet. I’d remember and I’d leave at the exact time. Then, there was Levi’s acknowledgement of Eren in the dungeon and the scene at the court. That was it, Levi saved Eren. He took him in. It was a rough beginning, but it was still a beginning for them. It kind of switched something on inside me. From there on, I wanted to know him. I wanted to know the whole story; how it would unfold, who was Eren Jaeger’s lover, how did he becomes a Titan, did Levi turn himself into a Titan as well when he learned how, did he ever learn how to do it, would Levi really kill him, what happened to Eren Jaeger after this mess? He did say he would kill the boy and I trusted his words, but there was more to it than just that.  He’d take care of the kid, not just to train him and kill him when the time came. It was more than that… far more.

 

There were so many questions I wanted to know, but the truth is… I just wanted to know about them… and their fate.

 

I just couldn’t wait, that’s why I forgot about _my_ life… until she calls. Hell, the first time someone called me while I was in the Replayer I thought it was a bug. There was this annoying ringing in the back, but it felt so far away... too far away. It's not until the Replayer spoke that I understood. It was just a phone call and taking it would even be possible inside the Replayer while resuming the memory. I have to admit though; It isn't that easy to continue the events happening in the Replayer while talking on the phone. It's like watching a good movie and trying to understand what's going on while talking on the phone. It could be like driving and talking on the phone too... It's hard to follow both effectively sometimes.

 

''If you’re too busy with work tonight, you can pick her up tomorrow.'' She insists softly as I gather my stuff in a rush to leave work. She’s kind. I know it probably doesn’t bother her that much. She’s just too kind and too good for a guy like me.

 

''No, I’m on my way to your place now.''

 

I close the Replayer and I admit that I’m close to having a change of heart and tell her to keep her for the night when I do, because I really feel like going back into their world. I'm not the only one in here thinking that way. You could expect the office to be empty when I walk toward the elevator, but it’s not. If anything, it’s the opposite. The floor I’m on is still filled with people logged into the Replayer and I don’t have any doubt it’s the same everywhere in the building. Even the cafeteria is filled with people when I walk past it, but I am not staying. I have responsibilities...

 

I have a little girl waiting for me at her mom’s house.

 

''You can have dinner with us if you want; it’s a quinoa salad… You know, the one with feta, tomatoes…'' I know the one; she doesn’t have to go on with the ingredients. Hell, whatever she cooks it’s always good… and I end up pulling my car into her driveway before I know it.

 

It might not be my house anymore, but it’s not like I’m not welcome in it.

 

I don’t knock and wait for someone to open the door for me. I couldn’t quite lose the habit of it when I moved out, but I did take on the habit of knocking before opening the door. At least. I hear Petra call my name somewhere in the back of the house and then, I hear footsteps rushing towards me on the stairs. I hear Auruo’s warning more than she probably does and she jumps the last few steps to jump at me. I barely get to see her smile, but I know she is smiling under those longs strands of black hair...

 

Mikasa.

 

''Daddy, I made a bracelet for you!''

 

She’s my daughter. I have a daughter, that's right.

 

It isn’t a complicated story or a dramatic one. There’s nothing special about the four of us sitting at the table together to eat Petra’s dinner. It’s just the way life went for me, for us. Petra and I weren’t meant to be together. I loved her, of course. I just didn’t love her the way I should have been in love with her. In the end, we decided to divorce out of common accord. It was a good separation where we both stayed on good terms and found agreement quickly.

 

I mean, I even got to be friends with her new fiancé, Auruo, and that’s a pretty good achievement in itself considering his jealous personality. He stopped seeing me as a potential enemy at some point. It’s not like I’ve ever had the will to take her back or anything anyway.

 

As usual, Mikasa makes a mess with her meal, but it is to be expected from an excited seven-year-old girl like her. She always gets incredibly happy to see me, but it’s probably because we don’t get to see each other that often with the current way of splitting the time between Petra and me. Not that I mind really. I’m strict and it’s not like I actually like kids in general and all that. If anything, I think they’re messy, loud and kind of annoying at times… Eh, wait. Why does it remind me of someone other than Mikasa? Why am I fond of this person without knowing? Who is that... brat?

 

Wait, what brat?

 

I’d like to the able to say this is the only weird moment of the evening, but it’s not. If anything, it starts a suite of weird events. It’s like things start to entangle themselves together. They twist everything. They twist me as I try to make sense of it… It doesn’t. It isn’t quite like when you try to remember where you last put your keys, but it is similar. There’s a strong sense of frustration when you try to recall something you should remember. Something, you do remember. It’s there, yet it’s not. It’s like doing a puzzle and missing one piece. It’s lost and you can’t truly see the picture without it. It’s bugging you. I know who that brat is and I know it isn’t Mikasa, yet I can’t say who it is. It’s like I lost that piece. It’s like I forgot that somewhere along the line.

 

Petra asks me if I’m alright. She says I’m making a weird expression, but I answer with an easy lie; I’ve been busy and I’m thinking about work because something’s bothering me. You know, it’s best to stay as close to the truth as you can when you lie. I didn’t think about it, I just said that without putting much thought into it, but I’m pretty sure it is the closest thing to the truth I could have said. This might just be about work again… I am getting obsessed with it.

 

In the end, it’s not bad enough to stop me from going home with Mikasa after the diner, a kiss from Petra and a wave by Auruo. I still manage to look like I can take care of my kid I guess because Mikasa enters my apartment with her stuff soon enough after Petra let me leave…, but not without a Tupperware full of food.

 

''Don’t you think the pendant suits you?'' she asks while she puts the childish bracelet around my wrist. Sitting on the couch with her, my eyes leave the screen to look at her little work hanging on my wrist. It’s not pink like every fucking bracelet around her wrist, but even the green looks too flashy. For a while, I’m more interested about the bracelet in itself than the little pendant she added to it. It’s made of elastic bands and I don’t really get how it is done, but they all hold onto another to make a large bracelet. It’s mostly green with a little bit of grey and some dark blue. It probably took a pretty large amount of elastic to make it… and some time, but she gives it to me just like that. She turns it around my wrist to show me the famous pendant she keeps talking about and it hits me like a rock... that symbol.

 

''Hey, Mikasa, what’s that pendant?''

 

I admit my voice is more forceful than I wanted it to be, but that’s just how it leaves my mouth when I see the pendant she got me. I’ve seen that before and I know most of the people at the office did too. The blazon. The wings. That’s more than enough to have me worked up over this and I’m glad she is far from a little princess type of girl, unable to stare back. In her case, it’s the opposite. I guess she took that from me, or something. She doesn't just look like me, she resembled me a lot on a lot of personality traits... Like this one, among other things.

 

She raises her head to look at me; dark grey eyes reaching into me and she answers, like it’s the most stupid thing I could ask:

 

''They're the Wings of Freedom, of course!''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really took a gamble with the little Family aspect of Rivaille's life here; I wasn't sure you guys would like the idea of a daughter in the picture, but I think it's going to turn interesting when Eren enters the story a bit more. Awkward moment n stuff! Sounds perfect ;) 
> 
> Feel free to comment n stuff, I do not bite!


	3. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT:: I changed Mikasa's age to 11! I think it's gonna add to the Story further on and seven was too young for what I had in mind considering all my years of studies in Child's Psychology... It was like, how did you even come up with this?! eh!
> 
> I hope you guy had a good time on Christmas... and will have a good time on New Years. Best Wishes for 2014 to all of you. Let's say, this is going to be my last update of 2013 and my gift to you! Sadly, there isn't much interaction between our two cuties. I mean, there is, but it's not anything close to Romance yet. I still hope you like it. This Story. The way it's going. Everything! =) Look Forward to next Chapter like I am! hihi!
> 
> Just throwing out there a little timeline regarding Rivaille's life to help organize your thoughts:: This happens in Canada. It happens mostly in Montreal or around Montreal. For those familiar with the place, I think Rivaille lives in Longueuil or something like that while Petra lives a little further from the City and the Bridges to cross to Montreal. Rivaille is currently 28 in the 'Real' World. His daughter, Mikasa, is 11. Which mean, he had her when he was pretty young and I wanted to clear that out for you just in case you're like : WTF this doesn't make sense... Here it is! Rivaille's first girlfriend was Petra when he just started to get interest in girls and they stayed together for almost 10 years. At 16, Rivaille moved out of his Parent's place. At 17, they have a baby and Petra moves in somewhere in the middle. At 20, they decide to marry after being together for like... ever. At 22, something happens and they divorce, but they stay good friend. I'm not going to go into the details here because that will be for later!!!
> 
> Enjoy! As usual, I love when you leave me comments so... Please do! =)

I probably shouldn't try to see this with the eyes of Levi, but I do it anyway. I tell myself it's all in my head; This pendant doesn't have anything to do with the Wings of Freedom... Yeah, right. I turn the pendant between my fingers and it still doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel normal. Hell, it doesn't feel like this pendant belongs in this world. I hold it tight in my fist until it bites my skin. It is real, and the shape is undoubtedly _that_ shape. It exists in this world too... which doesn't even make sense. I went rapidly over all the possibilities, but I couldn't find any explanation for my little girl to know this symbol. I do not believe in coincidence. I don't think this pendant just happens to be the same by some kind of luck of the draw. Whoever made this knew very well what they were doing. It's not just similar. It's the same. The shape. The colors. Everything. It's not an accident. I won't accept this as an accident.

I could probably ignore this. I could probably discard it all by saying it came from a history book, but I know better. It's not possible. There isn't any history book about this. Sure, they managed to bring a few things to light, but not this kind of detail. That's where the Replayer gets useful for more than the entertainment business. There's also the possibility of someone going into the Replayer before they make the design of the pendant. After that, it's easy to sell it as the 'Wings of Freedom' to a bunch of kids without really explaining what it is to them. When I asked what it meant, Mikasa had no clue and that's why it seems like that's the only explanation.

Or it was, until I asked her: ''Where did you learn about that? Was it on a package when you got it?'' I expected the answer to confirm my theories, but I didn't get it. Actually, the answer I got forced me to go back to square one and I could probably discard it as a lie... if I didn't know my daughter better than that. Hell, I might be a pretty young father and pretty incompetent for the most part, but I raised her and I know her. She's not the type to lie. Never been. Probably never will be. That's why her answer is playing on rewind in my head; bugging me.

''No. I do not believe it was. I didn't pay attention. I just felt like buying it... I felt like it was ours.''

 _Ours_ , the word sticks. It's not mine. It's Levi's, but I can see how it could be linked to me because of him. To me, at least. For her though, it doesn't make any sense. She doesn't know him, or his world. She doesn't even know about him... and me. Hell, she included herself in here believing it is also an important symbol for her. I can't really deny it is, because I'm not in her head, but I can't really accept it either. She probably never saw it until the day she bought it... and she felt some kind of connection just from that?

It doesn't make sense... and I'm not getting anywhere near sleeping as it is. When I close my eyes and think I'll let go of this bothering stuff to fall asleep, I can hear Mikasa walking in the hallway to the bathroom and it wakes me up. I've never been one to sleep much, that's true, because every single sounds seems to wake me up, but tonight really isn't my night I guess. If it's not the pendant, it's Mikasa. Either way, in the darkness, red digits from the alarm clock indicate 4:37. I give up falling asleep at this point. This isn't going anywhere, and I'm not just talking about sleeping here. In the end, I find myself sitting in front of the computer to start a search. I start with a bunch of random words to describe the symbol. Nothing. Hell, I end up just typing ''Wings of Freedom''... Just to push my luck. Still Nothing. It leads me back to square one where I try to type in a random list of words hoping to get something, anything. I turn the pendant and the bracelet between my fingers again. It seems to me I've done that too much lately, but I didn't pay attention to it. I saw it without seeing it. Not the way I should. I saw this with the eyes of Levi, I didn't try to see it with mine. I didn't try to think like Rivaille; I didn't try to find the Company. I just didn't even think about it. I ignored the letters in the back and the little serial number. I wasted more than half an hour on this, but it takes me less than one minutes to find the page I am looking for.... The page for this particular item.

Here, in front of me, is the picture of that damn pendant. There isn't any choice of colors or variation. It's just that one and I know it's the one. I don't need to zoom on it and see the details. No. I am not ordering this or putting this on my shopping cart. I am just staring at it, because that's the one. It's the pendant with the symbol that shouldn't be there. Not here. Not in this time. Not in this house. Not in my daughter's hand and definitely not in her head as something that should be hers. I don't need to stare at it. I already know it too much already and I can't even explain why because it's not like I've seen it all my life, if anything I only saw it for the last few months. It's just like that and I have more important stuff to deal with than this weird impression... this familiarity with stuff I shouldn't be familiar with.

I need to deal with this subject; the one in front of me.

''Based off the content of the novel: To You in 2000 Years, by Armin Arlet''

-           

 

''I'm searching for a book...'' I start as I finally find an employee of the nearest bookstore. No Greetings or anything. I just want this shit done and I don't have any time to lose. Hell, I came here the moment it opened dragging my daughter along with the promises of a brand new manga and breakfast at a restaurant. Somewhere fast and cheap. Hey, I never claimed to be a good father or anything. I had my kid at seventeen. I didn't know shit. We managed. She's a good kid. We did great. We still do. We're not perfect. I manage on my own now, but I still manage to make it work.

''...Eh, sure. What is the title?''

''To You in 2000 Years, by Armin Arlet.''

It feels like an eternity. Maybe they don't have it in stock. Maybe it doesn't even exist. I'm too tired, that's it. I dreamed all this. There's no one going by this name and there isn't any book with this title. Or maybe there is, but it won't lead me anywhere. I don't even know where I want it to lead me. Is there really a point? My daughter is being weird thinking she knows this symbol, but she might have mistaken it with something else. It might be something she saw on T.V. or in a book. She might have read this book at School... No. That one's impossible and you know why? Because the book the employee leads me to is in the freaking Humanities category and I'm starting to doubt if it's even worth my time. Why am I doing this anyway? This isn't going to give me anything...

I end up buying the book anyway.

Mikasa picks a manga with a yellow haired boy on the cover with some stupid cat mustache on his cheeks, which isn't too expensive... just like the Tim Hortons we bring home where I can finally open the damn book with a coffee in hand.

Thirteen pages and a half, that's the amount I read before I lose it. No. Just no. I am not reading this. It's ridiculous. I am not going to spend any more time trying to make sense of this guy's delusion. Rebirth? Reincarnation? Yeah, he's definitely going crazy and I'm not stupid enough to read this shit. I'm done with this and it's going to join every other book I own in my library... because I admit I read a lot. Hell, this book doesn't even belong with all these good books, but I manage to find a little space for it somewhere on a shelf I can't even reach without a stool... out of my sight.

This isn't going to lead me anywhere... It's a Fantasy.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-07_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''Your self-inflicted wounds won't heal?'' Levi asks when he sees Eren fidget. He plays with the bandage covering his hand nervously. He makes his hands touch, but he keeps moving them as if he's unsure how he should be acting at all right now. The rest of the squad probably doesn't think much of this. Hell, they might not even notice how Eren is uneasy because of this. Levi does. He never misses any of this. They didn't spend that much time together in the few days following the court where Eren was assigned to Levi, but it was enough for Levi to get a good idea of the boy's personality._

_''...No.''_

_At first, the boy had been entirely close to Levi. When their eyes would meet, Eren would turn away instantly. It's not like Levi actually worked hard for the boy to open up to him. All he did was watch over him. He'd lead him into his room in the dungeon each night. It was more like a cell than a room, but Levi had made some little addition to the simple bed laying in the middle of the room with chains to the wall with normal furniture from the room above. Of course, he still looked the door each day when he left, but he gradually found himself leaving that room later... and later each day. He just happened to do what no one else did; he talked to him._

_Because there is one thing everyone seems to forget about Eren Jaeger; he is still a kid, a very human kid striving to be an adult... and Levi acts accordingly. He doesn't try to tame Eren. It isn't a realistic goal. Eren is a beast. Sure. Eren is very close to a Monster, but transforming into a Titan didn't make him a Monster. He was a Monster before he had this ability... It is part of him. It's his personality. Levi isn't taming him, or even trying. He is just There. He talks to him. He teaches him. If Eren can grow and become a bit more mature, that is good enough. He doesn't need to lose his troublesome temper, because that is something Levi likes about the boy._

_He is Thunder. He is mesmerizing._

_Levi is just merely guiding him... and helping in preserving the boy's shine._

_''If you can't transform into a Titan, our main goal of sealing Wall Maria is off the table.'' There's a pause where Levi lets the information sink in. It's nothing new. Eren is probably already aware of that, but Levi reminds him of his doubt... of everything that is at stake. It's not only about Humanity's victory, it's about Eren. If this isn't going to happen, the boy isn't going to be able to stay under Levi's guard. That's how it works. He doesn't need to say it. It's there, between every word he just said with such a cold voice... He doesn't need to tell him that's not what he wants for him. ''This is an order; make it happen.''_

_That's all he says before walking away. There is nothing else he can do for him. For now._

_''Who knows how it'll turn out if he gets angry...or desperate,'' starts Petra as she walks toward him._

_''He's desperate enough as it is. It's fine. He won't turn into a Titan over this.''_

_''You should be more careful.''_

_He doesn't answer to that. He ignores the comment, just like he ignores the advice. She doesn't mean any harm, of course, but she is going beyond the boundaries of their current relationship. One does not tell their Corporal to be more careful. No one else does. She does it because she cares. She cares too much.  He knows this much and she knows too... She should, at least._

_''You trust him way too much.''_

_''It's not that I trust him, Petra. It's because I trust myself... and **I** understand him a little bit better now.'' He takes a sip of his tea and there's a pause where he thinks about the boy chained to his cell telling him he'll slaughter them with rage... and then, he remembers the sobbing mess crying himself to sleep at times because that's how cruel this world is. He didn't stop thinking the kid was incredible when he first heard it. If anything, he thought it made him even more outstanding. More bright in this freaking dark and bloody world. ''He's just a boy left in the dark who doesn't even know who he is anymore. He's weak. He's not dangerous until you make him.''_

_... but it doesn't really matter what he says in the end because, when lightning strikes through the air, she's one of them. She rushes to Eren with her blade drawn out and ready to kill him like the rest of them as he stands in the middle. Behind him, he hears Eren freaking out without really making out the words, but that's not the most urgent concern. Hell, he doesn't even have his blade in hand when he faces them and says without any room for discussion :_

_''Calm down.''_

_''Corporal Levi, this is...''_

_The brat stops himself mid-sentence while Levi feels his Squad tense again to the evocation of Levi's name._

_''I said to calm down, all of you.''_

_They're all ready to kill. None of them seems to take his order seriously. It's like they don't know what do to anymore. They look scared. They look like Levi's orders aren't making any sense and their voices go out all together in a rush. He barely makes out what they say until Petra speaks... worried as she shouldn't be again._

_''Corporal, get away from Eren. You're too close!''_

_''No. You're the ones who should get back... Get back!''_

_''Why?!''_

_''Intuition.''_

_Right, because this isn't trust. He just knows Eren isn't going to hurt them. Eren knows better. Eren wants to kill the Titans. ''I want to slaughter them!'' There must be a reason for him to transform now. He couldn't transform just a few hours ago... And he definitely didn't lose his ability, Levi isn't foolish enough to believe that. Something must have been off. He tries to think. Tries to make sense of what Eren's trying to say, but everyone speaks together... interrupting his thoughts. Stopping him from giving Eren the space he needs to calm down. Yes, because he needs to calm down as well. He's freaking out up there, it's just that he's not dangerous for anyone. Not right now._

_''Please shut up for a second!''_

_Oh, he knows that voice. It's Eren. Eren; yelling like he usually does when he starts to get worked up. Eren; getting worked up over everything. Eren; drenched in sweat. Eren; releasing his hand and stumbling down the mass he created out of nothing... Eren; weak and still on his knees on the ground trying to catch his breath._

_''How do you feel?''_

_It's a simple question. Hell, it's asked coldly like it's trivial, but it's far from that. Levi cares more than he makes it seem like... because he actually wonders if the kid is alright._

_''Not so good...''_

_That will do._

-           

 

''Good Evening! I apologize for calling you at home, but you gathered a lot of good footage, Rivaille.'' I apologize for not being sorry, right. Her voice is incredibly cheerful... and kind of annoying considering I'm not in a good mood. Well, less than usual. I'm not in a good mood because it's pretty close to an obsession now. I do not sleep well. I keep telling myself I shouldn't waste my time with this book and this stupid author. It's a coincidence... Right, a coincidence. All of this. She says the footage I went through is good and I don't even know why is it 'this' good. It's nothing special really. I don't get it, but I feel her excitement through my voicemail. I just don't get it. I mean, I'm excited about this too... Sure, but I'm more interested in Eren than anything. It's just a personal interest I guess. Nothing healthy, but I've never been healthy... That's why I light a cigarette in my own apartment today.

As if it's alright to smoke inside because Mikasa isn't home from School yet.

As if.

''I'd like us to meet next week about this footage if you're available. I'd like us to concentrate on the same thing as you go through the Replayer... We also need to talk about Eren Jaeger.''

Well, if she didn't have my full concentration before... Now she has it all.

''I'll come get you like... Monday? Yeah, Monday! See yah!''

Ah, I sigh in disappointment. It's as if I seriously expected her to tell me about Jaeger now. No, of course she wouldn't. It was just interest taking over. This isn't like me. Not at all. Mikasa is almost home from School... probably in like five minutes or so, but I still light up another cigarette. I need it. I find myself craving it to keep me busy and calm down all the thinking about the little brat from the past, but I put some shoes on and I smoke on the small little balcony.

Hey, there's no need to get all weird over a fucking brat who doesn't even exist here in this time.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-12_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_If there's something Levi didn't expect, it was the face Eren made the day his friends joined them in the Survey Corps. Well, Levi didn't really think much of his friends. He didn't really think about them joining their ranks either, but it happened and he thought it would make Eren happier... and maybe less jumpy. In a way, it worked. He seemed glad to see his friends and it was good for his morale. That's what it seemed like when Levi saw him talking to them earlier that day. That's not what he sees in Eren's expression as he follows him into the basement though. The face he sees when Eren looks at him furtively is preoccupied. There's a hint of wrath... with a little bit of sadness. In itself, it's nothing really bothersome. Eren isn't one to hide his emotions well and it's almost as if he feels everything intensely with all his being... all of it._

_Levi finds himself walking behind the boy walking incredibly slowly through the hallways as they make their way down the old castle... staring at him without saying anything until the boy stumbles on the last few steps and almost makes Levi fall with him. He would have fallen if he hadn't caught the boy in time, just grabbing his arm._

_''Hey, Eren. You've been dragging your feet all the way here and I'm not having any of this shitty attitude. Get a hold of yourself. You'll see your stupid little friends tomorrow.''_

_Eren tries to get out. Levi's grip is pretty solid. He doesn't let go until he finishes speaking and he does it with a rough motion for Eren to move forward, but their eyes meet somewhere in the process and Eren's expression switches. From anger, he melts into a slightly embarrassed one... Nervous and fidgeting for an instant before he covers it with anger again._

_Because Anger is an easy mask to wear._

_''They're not stupid!... and it's not even about that!''_

_Here it is, Eren is yelling again._

_''I'm not having any of your yelling either, Eren.'' It's like a warning. It's been a rough day with all the new recruits coming it. He doesn't really feel like dealing with an annoying and loud little brat._

_There's a pause where Eren looks like a fish out of water. He opens his mouth and closes it again before he turns around. The way he does it gives away his irritation, but he probably knows better than to mess with Levi... for now._

_They walk in silence like that until they reach the cell where Eren lives these days. Once in a while, Levi would lean against the wall to speak to him for a while, but today isn't one of these days. The kid's temper isn't good and Levi doesn't feel like hearing him getting all intense... even though he usually likes this passion in him. It just isn't a good day for them, it happens._

_''It's just... Marco died when we were closing the hole in the wall.'' Eren mutters. It's barely audible, but Levi hears it and stops himself from leaving the cell to lock the door. He turns his head slightly to see the boy sitting on his bed... Done with the anger. It's like it never happened in the first place._

_He doesn't know who Marco is... probably never will. This is irrelevant._

_''Everyone dies, Eren. It's not the first. It's not going to be the last one either... That's just how it goes.''_

_He might not like it... but that is how the world works. You fight to survive or you die trying. Sometimes, it's about luck, but it's also about skill... because the strongest survive one way or another. That's why the Titans are a menace._

_Eren tightens his fist and the will to fight is back in him... It's breathing life into him again._

_''I'll kill them. I'll make sure none of them remain!''_

_Levi remains unmoved... That's how he looks, but the truth is the same as it was a few weeks ago when he meet Eren Jaeger. The boy moves him and triggers something weird in him. He cares. He cares so much for this goal and Levi cares too. He wants it to be real. He also has quite a few companions he wants to avenge in this way, but there's a paradox in this way of thinking... because Eren Jaeger is a Titan whether he wants it or not._

_That would make Eren Jaeger a Sacrifice more than a Messiah._

_''Whatever you want to do, you just have to do what you can while you still can.'' Right. Whatever he wants to do... because he will do whatever he wants, that's something Eren Jaeger isn't going to give up on. He's not going to give up on his goal for anything... or anyone. He'll do everything to see this through even if it kills him, that's a certitude. There's no need to see the Future to know this much already. ''For all those who died trying and doing their very best.. like you are. Or for those believing in you.''_

_''...Like you?''_

_Kind of._

_There's a pause and it's a bit awkward as Eren just looks at him from head to toe, like he's judging him... and what he says. Like he's trying to register it. Like he's trying to see something. To understand. And Levi isn't sure he likes the way he looks at him like he's hesitating and searching for answers to questions he doesn't even know._

_''...like your friends.''_

_It changes the subject. It directs Eren onto something else... something Levi can handle, because he didn't know what Eren wanted from him. Or where he wanted Levi to lead him._

_''It's different. They always believe in me. They never doubt me. It's unconditional... Given. Assumed.''_

_''No one has to believe in you, they do it because they want to.''_

_''Yeah, but I never had to do anything to prove myself to them. Mikasa is like...I just can't see her leaving me and Armin... Well, maybe it's worth something to have him believe in me because he's so smart, but he's my childhood friend.''_

_For a while, it's silent and Levi turns around to leave the cell with a good night, but the boy continues as he prepares himself to go to bed:_

_''But you... You believe even though we don't share a bond.''_

_''You're right, we don't.''_

_And that's the end of it. He closes the door. He doesn't deny believing in the boy and it's useless to do so. If Levi didn't believe in him, they wouldn't have done what they did to save him from the Military Police. They believed the boy had potential. He believed it._

_He still does._

_''Good Night, Eren.''_

_''...Night.''_

-           

 

Believe me, I don't want to see this either. I'd rather forget about this, forget about this book. I didn't forget. That's too bad. I found myself going home in a hurry and before I knew it, I had the book in my hand again. Armin Arlet. Armin. It's the same name. I could discard one name, I could, but Mikasa couldn't be neglected. It couldn't be a coincidence. Petra named her. It was a stylized way to turn Mi Casa into a name. We were young, our apartment was shit, but Petra kept saying wherever this baby was would be her home. She didn't need a pretty place to live, she had Mikasa. Mi Casa turned into a name and there's no way some girl from a few hundred years ago can have that name... No way. Once again, I could dismiss this easily if only she didn't look the same... but she did and I had no excuses.

I'm not a stalker. I might look a bit odd though as I sit by the entrance of University of Quebec at Montreal, but it's odd because I make it odd. There's nothing wrong with me. I can easily pass for a student taking a smoke break. I'm not old. Hell, I'm twenty-eight, but I look like I didn't even have my freaking puberty because I'm just this small. The lack of hair on my body and my face never really helped with that either. Blame the genetics I guess, but I'm not old. My physique is proof of that. I still wear this shitty piercing on my bottom lip I never got rid of and my stretcher in my ears. Being a Dad made me feel old before my time, that's all. It forced me into a mature guy earlier, that's all.

I don't really have a plan here. I'm just hoping for this particular guy to exist and have School today and to go through this door at one point or another. I don't even know how I'll recognize him, but I'm assuming he’ll still have the same appearance... like Mikasa. And that's if all of this is true, because it might be just a huge joke.

Let's just hope I don't look too pissed off to scare him when I see him... I guess not.

''Levi, is that you?'' I raise my head at the voice. It's weird, it really is, because Levi isn't my name... and I find myself answering to it like I'm used to it. Like it's mine. Always has been. I crave for a different voice calling it somehow though and I can't even make any sense of this impression. This is not the voice I want to hear saying this name, but it's the only one I have now.

Our eyes meet and I was right. I recognize him right away... Blonde hair. Big blue eyes. I know this is Armin Arlet without even meeting Armin Arlet.

''Levi, it is you!''

He smiles brightly and walks up the few meters between us. He acts like he knows me, like he's familiar with me, but...

''I am not Levi.''


	4. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me!!! <3

''I'm not Levi, I'm Rivaille.''

I say it just like that, strong enough to make sure he won't talk back to me. And he doesn't, but he smiles playfully when I pronounce my name at least. I know. It sounds silly. It's the same. French. English. Whatever language you use, it's the same sound. The only difference, is the sound at the very beginning. The 'R' rolls on my tongue while the 'L' just slips through my lips. The ending sounds the same because the 'e' is silent and 'ill' sounds like a 'I' with a little more time spent waving on my breath. The main difference appears on paper when you write it down... and I know Armin heard it too.

''Alright... Rivaille'' He insists on the name, on the similarity. I hate it. ''Your presence here suggests otherwise, but I shall believe you for now.''

My presence here doesn't have anything to do with Levi, it almost slips past my lips, but I stop it. As if. This doesn't make any sense. Why in the world would I be interested in Armin Arlet if it's not for his novel? For his idea of reincarnation. Of course, Levi led me here. It's all about Levi... If I hadn't encountered Levi, I wouldn't be able to tell the pendant from the others. I wouldn't be here.

''Do you want to go somewhere to talk? I know a good place not too far from here.''

And that's just how it goes.

It's like everything just pulls me with the flow these days and I can't really do much about it. I've never been much of an office worker, but I went with it because that's just how it went for me until now. When I lost my job, I thought I was done for a shitty job at Target until I decided to finish School... If I ever did, but I didn't even know what to study and I wasn't sure I wanted to continue with being a Doctor. I just wanted to do something helpful somewhere along the way. I felt the need to be useful, but when Erwin told me he found something for me, I went with it, more than I actually was interested. It was there in front of me and it was an opportunity. I never thought it would lead me here. Never. I went with it just like how I follow Armin into a small but cozy coffee shop. The walk there isn't long, but it feels like an eternity where I keep telling myself to go back home... believing this guy doesn't have anything to tell me about this.

He sits close to the front of the shop, right next to a window and orders a Latte while I take the normal and boring coffee. Cheap, but always sure to be good. I admit his latte looks pretty good though, but that's just how life goes... Expensive = Good Taste.

''So... if you're not Levi, why would you come to me? And why?'' he doesn't waste anymore time. He starts the moment the waitress leaves us with our drinks. It's like he waited for this moment.

His blue eyes shine with interest when they look at me. He looks older than what I saw in the Replayer, but I didn't expect him to still be fifteen-years-old. From what I understand of this novel, he believes he died at an old age back then. From there, he thinks he was reborn a few times with and without meeting his friends again. Sometimes he'd see them as a kid while they were adults, but sometimes the opposite would happen too. Of course, it would be a pretty convenient coincidence to be reborn at almost the same time as someone else. Maybe one time. Maybe two, but after that... it's just a freaking miracle at this point. That's why Armin Arlet spent most of his lives without them.

He searched for them... and he found me somewhere along the line.

''I've read your book... well, some of it.'' I start, but I don't even know where to go with this. I can't talk to him about the Replayer... or rather, I shouldn't. I really shouldn't, but I don't feel like lying will get me anywhere at this point. Not in this situation. It's better to play with all my cards on the table.

Eren Jaeger said his friend was very clever, right?

''Alright, listen. I'm going to trust you because... well, because of Eren Jaeger, but you...''

''Eren Jaeger? Did you meet Eren?''

It is weird to say Eren Jaeger's name with my own mouth. His name is bittersweet on my lips. I start to say it and I hesitate in the middle like I'm not even sure I have the right to say this name because it's precious. Important. It already gets me kind of worked up, but when I hear him ask me if I met him; I'm gone and I lose it. I find my heart pounding in my chest loudly. It's like I'm getting excited because... Hell, is he alive right now? I find myself suddenly blindly believing Armin Arlet and his stupid reincarnation bullshit because it suddenly suits me... Wait, it does? I don't even know why I want the kid to be alive. I don't even know him! Damn it.

''I didn't meet Eren Jaeger... I mean, I kind of did, but not really.''

Oh god. This doesn't make any sense. Armin looks at me oddly and he closes himself to me the moment I say that. It feels like I wasn't the only one getting my hopes up.

''Like I told you, I'm not Levi. I'm just a guy working for The Legion... Do you know about them?''

''Yeah I do. They made the Replayer. They're making a bunch of movies with it and they investigate the past. I didn't know they were working on the War...'' His words are lost as he mumbles too low, lost in thoughts. Then he lifts his head to look at me and continues : ''They're working on Eren Jaeger and the Titans.''

''Well... Kinda.'' I don't get why it's such a big deal to him. It shows in his expression, but I ignore it to continue my little story. I mean, I want to talk about Eren, but I don't even understand why I'm interested in the boy. I'd rather get to the point and talk about my daughter right now. ''Anyway. I ended up working with Levi for the past months and that's how I met Eren Jaeger, but that's not the only person I met in the Replayer... I met my daughter in it.''

''Only her?''

''There are a lot of people around me who share a few similarities with people in the Replayer, which is pretty disturbing, but I ignored it until Mikasa brought a Pendant with the Wings of Freedom home and claimed to know what it was... She said it was ours.''

I think I see his expression soften when I say Mikasa’s name, did I see that right?

''It is yours.''

''I know, but an eleven-year-old girl shouldn't know that.''

No. I mean. It's Levi's... Not mine.

''What if she remembers parts of her past?''

''I'm not swallowing this reincarnation theory of yours, Arlet. First you, now her!?''

''There's more than just the two of us. It just so happens that everyone is alive at the same time right now it seems...'' He says that... and he seems to be relieved by it. The corner of his lips lift a little and I'm pretty sure he's happy about everything this could bring to him. If what he says is true, then that means his friend is alive...

This brings me to think about Eren Jaeger and the question slips past my lips with big expectation:

''Is Eren Jaeger alive again right now too then?''

It sounds casual. It sounds normal, but it's not. I feel like my whole being waits for the answer to come out of his mouth. I want him to say ''Yes'' but the answer doesn't come. He looks at me. He waits and I can't make out anything of this pause as my whole being waits... for what seems to be forever.

I'm ready to believe in reincarnation at this exact moment.

''No, he's not alive again.''

Here it comes; the fall. I went so high riding on the anticipation, now it crashes down. It feels like I'm not ready to go back. Not ready to accept this. The words echo in me. He's not alive again. He's not alive. Eren Jaeger is dead. I ended up too high and didn't learn to fly. I couldn't fly. I pay the price as I feel myself crushed under the news. It hurts and I can't even explain rationally why it does. It shouldn't hurt.

Never mind the coffee I almost forgot until now. I don't want it. I watch him take a sip... I look down at the contents of my cup. Hell, I can't see my face, but I'm pretty sure disappointment shows without having any 'Real' reason to be disappointed right now. I don't understand any of this and Armin Arlet didn't make much sense of all of this.

''Maybe there's a reason for us to be alive right now together...'' he continues, but I'm done with this conversation.

Eren's death is such a let down... maybe that's the answer I've been looking for all along when I came to him. I just wanted to know if Eren Jaeger existed in this world. I wanted him to exist.

I stand up. Yeah, I'm done and the look he gives me tells me he knows this would happen somehow... I don't even want to know how. I don't care anymore. All of this, it's back to how it should be; just a job.

''Thank you for your time, I guess.'' I say in an attempt to be polite before turning away.

I do not go far. Armin Arlet stops me by grabbing my arms and he says one little thing, just that with a pleading voice:

''Please. Don't let them know... about Eren. Don't let them.''

What the fuck is that suppose to mean? Why does it matter?

Eren Jaeger is  already dead.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_Just yesterday, Petra said she admitted being disappointed because she couldn't get Levi... She was upset and Levi couldn't find anything to say to her. Nothing would appease that feeling so he left it there like that inside her. Just yesterday after her confession, she admitted with a little smile that giving Auruo his chance wasn't such a bad idea after all. He didn't remind her of her irritation when he first suggested that a few months ago. He kept the same expression as usual and nodded, but she probably knew... He was glad it worked out for her._

_...but now, nothing will ever work out for her._

_Nothing will ever work out for any of the members of the Special Operations Squad. They were the closest thing to friends he had and they had to die to Titans again... like before. In a way, he was glad he still managed to save Jaeger in that mess. They didn't lose everything. Not yet. The boy was alive. He managed to save him... even though it costs him an injury. He could probably blame Mikasa for this. It would be easy to direct his anger toward her and just deal with it, but he wasn't really angry at her for causing this. It was an error of judgement. She didn't think. The only thing bothering him was her lack of discipline in following his orders. It's not like he was asking anything crazy. At least, he knows about her now; he can't count on her to stick to the plan... not when it comes to Eren._

_And it'll often come to Eren in the following months, he knows that much._

_They entered the city. Petra's father went by. The walk back inside the wall is always the hardest one. As if it doesn't hurt the soldiers enough to lose their comrades, they had to leave them outside the wall... They had to abandon them. The citizens whine. Levi had to give up Petra's badge to someone else. It's hard on everyone._

_It's hard on Levi too, you know, but there isn't any time for some shitty heartbreaking moment... It's the time to prepare._

_The time to prepare for Eren to be taken away._

_Next to him, in the cart, he feels Eren's eyes on him for an instant as he moves forward a bit. Away from the boy barely waking up. The boy he saved from the Female Titan. It was gross and he never thought he'd get in a Titan's mouth except to die, but he got the boy out of there and he was glad when he felt his body still warm, his heart still beating and his breathing still steady.. but it doesn't really appease the grief. It doesn't really make it easier. The only thing that's easier now, is the will to kill Titans... as their Legacy._

_He heard Eren's exchange with Mikasa. He heard his question and he knows the girl didn't answer him. She didn't confirm or deny who saved him, but it was clear in her behavior; She wasn't proud of herself. It wasn't her. He just hoped the boy didn't catch on to it and understood. Levi saved him, but that wasn't the way he intended to save Eren when he first saw him. He wanted to save Eren from something far greater than this... and it is still such a long road ahead._

_A Lonely road._

_Levi is merely a meter ahead from the cart, but he hears it anyway when Eren finally breaks down. He cries. He yells. It's loud and powerful, but more importantly; It's incredibly furious. It feels like he's yelling for everyone, like he's yelling for Petra.... for Levi. It makes him feel lighter._

_It feels good._

-           

 

It's just like the Replayer, but it is not the Replayer. The sand makes his footing uneven as he tries to walk... as I try to walk. It feels like the Replayer, but it's different from it. In the Replayer, sensations aren't really there. I felt his pain when he injured himself for Mikasa, but it wasn't really there. I knew he was in pain more than I could feel it and the same happened when he walked on it... as if it didn't hurt. I knew it did. Right now, it's different. I feel the sun burning his skin. I think he has a tan too... or rather, I do. He's been stuck out there for too long... He rolled his sleeves up. He opened his shirt a little. It's hot. It's incredibly hot. I can feel the empty stomach aching for food because he's been out of provisions for a while now.  It feels like me, but it's not. I've never been there and there's no reason for me to dream of this place. The waves making their way to ours feet do not have any meaning for me, but I'm still here and I hold a dirty piece of cloth in my hand. It's bloody and I can't even see what it is. I don't need to see it to know what it is though. It's a badge. It's the Wings of Freedom. It's part of someone's shirt...

And I feel my heart tighten at the thought because it just might be _his_ , it probably is.

Ahead, it's infinite. There's no end to the sight before us. The horizon is drawn with blue, the color of the ocean. It's just like Eren said it would be; blue and salty. He could never really picture it in his head, but it's here now and it would be perfect if Eren was there... If.

He falls to his knees at last, his strength starting to fail him. He walked forever. He gave up his gear because there wasn't any gas left for him to use. He gave up the idea of getting back home long ago.

We reached the shore without Eren, but at least... He reached it; Levi.

This could very well be the Replayer. I could blame the sudden change on me, because I got involved too much in this... because Armin got me into thinking I might have been Levi. Not THE Levi, but still Levi. This could very well be in the Replayer... if I wasn't staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. It's blurry. It's wet. What the hell? My eyes are wet with tears. They won't stop coming out. It's not like I'm crying or anything, they just flow out of nowhere.

I'm not a sentimental person... Trust me. They're there without my consent.

You see, I was kind of glad I managed to sleep before midnight tonight. Mikasa isn't home. There aren’t any keyboard sounds in the background, light footsteps, yawns, sneezes or the fan in the bathroom. No. It's perfect silence in the apartment and I should still be asleep to get a full night of sleep for once, but no... I'm wide awake at three in the morning. My breathing is ragged. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, but they still feel swollen. I can't even believe it. This isn't real, right?

I'm not Levi. I do not care... I shouldn't.

This wasn't the Replayer. It was different. I dreamed of Levi. I dreamed of Eren too, even though he wasn't exactly there. I dreamed I was Levi and I knew exactly what he felt deep inside at that moment when he saw all this water shining under the sunlight. He felt sad. He felt he wanted to go back. He felt like he failed Eren in the end... because he had so much more to do with him. He had so much to say to him.

And he still had to save him... to make him happy.

It made him feel despair as he felt the sand between his fingers because he probably would never reach home anymore and he would probably die on this shore. Weak. Hungry. Sunburned.I am awake now and I am not Levi. I push all of this to the back of my mind... to the same place I've put the news of Eren Jaeger's death; in a faraway place for me to forget. Or just hope, I'll forget it all.

I find myself unable to fall back asleep as I keep thinking about the events of the last few days in my mind. It bothers me and I give up on sleeping after about an hour of rolling over from one side to the other in bed in search of a comfortable position to finally rest. Nope. It never works. It seems like every little sound bothers me from the fridge in the kitchen to the A/C in the window. It seems like Levi won't leave my mind. It seems like Eren Jaeger will haunt me even though I never met him to begin with.

That's how I spend my Monday 'early morning' before going to work to meet my boss and, once again, this will be about _him_...

About Eren Jaeger.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-19_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_You shouldn't have used your legs like this right after it happened. You should take it easy from now on. You should give it time. It'll heal. That's a pretty good resume of what the doctor said to him once he got the chance to see to Levi's injury. He didn't wait that long really before someone came to see him in his room, but it felt like an eternity before they finally left to leave him alone at least... well, alone with the boy. Eren didn't leave him. He couldn't really leave him at this point. His captivity was a delicate matter at the moment and there was no doubt, they'd have to give him over to the Military Police. Levi doesn't like the idea, but he had his hands full right of his own self right now and Erwin won't let this pass this easily._

_Erwin Smith isn't that type of man._

_Levi's eyes go for the boy sitting in silence somewhere in the corner of the room. He sits tight. His posture is rigid. It's a nervous posture. Eren Jaeger doesn't like the situation... or this silence. Hell, Levi thinks it's the first time the boy comes into this room, but this tangible uneasiness in the air annoys him. He doesn't like it either, but he ignores it as he sits on the edge of the bed to remove his jacket. He loosen his cravat. The kid still doesn't move._

_''Make yourself useful and get me my clothes.''_

_Oh, his head raises and his eyes meet Levi's for an instant before he stands up suddenly._

_''..Eh? I mean; Yes sir!''_

_For a moment, Levi stares at him as he turns in circles trying to figure out what he should do... or where he should get his clothes. Until it gets old and Levi clicks his tongue; even though it's more like an habit than anything._

_''In the first drawer; shirt. In the second; pants.''_

_Organized, as usual, but it takes the contact of Eren Jaeger for just a few seconds to mess it up. Taking a perfectly folded piece of clothing and bringing it to Levi, it's enough time for Eren to turn the clothes into the mass of fabric he's about to hand over..., but he stops. He stops right there as his eyes register what the fuck is going on; Levi removed his jacket and his shirt. There's a pause. It isn't awkward right away. Not to Levi, at least. He stares at Eren not really knowing what's wrong because the kid nearly dropped the clothes on the floor and that wouldn't be good on clean clothes... and then, it comes to him._

_Apple green eyes are looking at him... as in, really looking at Levi's body, but that's not the only thing those eyes see. They see the way he grimaces when he pulls the pants off his legs and they show a desperate anger... a need to fix everything. If he was eyeing the Corporal just a second before, he looks in pain now._

_''Hey, Jaeger.'' He calls out and it startles the boy who suddenly bounces nervously from one foot to the other while he looks everywhere... but at Levi._

_There's another pause where Levi tries to find another explication for this... One that is easy to deal with, but still explain the way Eren looked at him. It's not the first time he notices something, but it's the first time he actually pinpoints the reason why... or thinks he might know._

_...And Levi hates it, because he doesn't want to deal with this... He doesn't want to deal with this kid's feeling be it affection, pity, sadness or anything. He doesn't want it._

_Any of it._

_''Corporal...'' starts the boy as he walks forward and Levi doesn't like this... not at all. He opens his mouth to interrupt him right away, but stops himself. It takes an instant for Eren to be on his knees; breaking the boundaries between them like they weren't even there to begin with... because Eren Jaeger is Thunder; untameable, surprising, it strikes strong, but it doesn't always hurt. It's not bad. It's not destructive. If anything, Eren Jaeger is gentle. He grabs Levi before he even realizes what is going on and he holds him tightly._

_For an instant, Levi thinks he wants to reassure him and he tenses up incredibly to the embrace nearly crushing his bones... but no, Eren Jaeger isn't holding him because Levi needs comfort. It's because Eren Jaeger himself needs comfort and Levi finds himself letting it go. He stares into the wall. He waits for the boy to calm down. He gets kind of annoyed by the situation because he didn't even get to finish dressing himself, but he doesn't push the boy away yet._

_No, he gives him a little squeeze for an instant as he listens to whatever the boy is trying to say... It says ''I'm Sorry'' like a Mantra. It says Petra's name quite a few times too. There's the name of pretty much every member of his Squad, but Petra comes up more often. For a second, Levi feels better because he thinks Eren might actually have been interested in Petra... not him, but then it comes out somewhere while he whines loudly by Levi's ear:_

_''I'm sorry! I could have saved her... I'm sorry you couldn't marry her.''_

_''I wasn't going to marry her, shitty brat.'' Pause. He pauses to let it in. To give Eren the time to calm down and he does. He lets go of Levi before he actually needs to give the order so he can finally resume getting his clothes on... while Eren evades looking at him again and heads back toward the door in a hurry.._

_Levi sees the color on his cheeks, he just ignores it because it's easier this way.. for both of them._

_''No one could have known.''_

_He doesn't want to let Eren in...or rather, he shouldn't and he doesn't want something like this to ever happen again. Never. It makes him uneasy... and he'll just act like this weird embrace never happened because... It's for the best._

-           

 

''Please take a seat'' she says when I enter the office behind her and I'm more than happy to fall down on one of the expensive and comfortable chairs of her office. I'm tired. I'm dead tired and I probably look like shit too with the dark circles under my eyes, but she doesn't really look that good either. She's tall, too tall. Her hair is a mess and the ponytail doesn't really hide it well. She might be a little prettier than the Hanji of the Replayer, but she's still the same kind of person.

Yeah, I found out quite a few 'reincarnations' like Armin calls them since I spoke to him. They were under my nose, I just didn't pay attention until now I guess. She probably doesn't have any memory of it like most of them... us.

She sits in front of me and leans on the table as if I'm suddenly incredibly interesting... or Levi is.

''I think I might have found Eren's precious person!'' she sings-songs to me.

I don't get it. Honestly, I don't and I hate her tone.

''Do you have a little idea of who it might be?''

''Not really... Isn't it Mikasa?''

Ugh, saying my daughter's name in the middle of this feels weird.

''Think about it!'' she insists and I don't want to think about it, because I feel like I already know the answer. I knew it all along, I just didn't want to admit it...  just like Levi didn't want to. ''It's Levi!''

It's here. It's finally said out loud and she makes it real just by saying it. Eren Jaeger cares about Levi. He cares so much. He actually loves him, that's how it is. It's been there. The way he looked at Levi or the way he talked : ''..Like you?'' He wanted to know. He needed to know. He didn't want Levi to marry Petra. He felt bad about it when she died. He liked her too, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to feel like this, but he did.

''You knew?''

''I don't know... I saw it coming, I guess. How did you find out?''

''From someone else's memory. We weren't expecting this at all from them, but they saw Eren sharing an intimate moment with Levi at one point through the Replayer... They're a few months later than you in the Replayer, that's why you didn't know before them. BUT I can show you the scene if you want! I think I have it somewhere...'' she says that as she searches on her tablet, but I stop her.

''No. It's alright.'' I really don't want to see this right now... I don't feel that good about it really. I'm actually kind of upset, like I didn't want anyone to see this. See what? Why do I fucking care? Oh my god...! This is getting ridiculous and my mood is even shittier now. ''What did you want to talk about? You said you wanted us to concentrate on the same thing...''

''Oh! Right! Since your synchronization rate with Levi is perfect, I was thinking we could... move on with things a little. The truth is, we don't care about all the boring stuff you see in the Replayer. We think you can move forward in Levi's memory to find answers for us.''

You know what... I don't like this. I can almost hear Armin Arlet telling me his last sentence again and again in my head: ''Don't let them know.''

''...Answers to what?''

''To Eren's ability to turn Titan...''

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-19_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_Levi hates it. He hates the way he kept his hand on the wall when he walked down the stair to reach the large dining room where Erwin would meet them. He hated the way he walked slower, but he couldn't really help it. He hates the way Eren walked slower to help him follow the pace. He hated Eren Jaeger in general at this particular moment... and he was forced to stare at his messy brown hair all the way down the stair while the brat would glance at him from time to time. Hell, he felt like giving him a kick just for doing it. It reminds him slightly of Petra's protectiveness... but he might be getting weird ideas since he got that weird and awkward hug from the boy._

_...and since he clearly saw the way Eren stared._

_Some time, he'll put him back in his place, that's how it's going to go, but probably not now. Eren laughs nervously at his constipated comment. It's not an honest laugh. Levi hates it. He hates the way the boy looks when he does it... so he turns his head to the side. Eren isn't used to his speech, he didn't get to hear it often yet. He doesn't seem to know if it's suppose to be funny or not and Levi fights the urge to look at him. To see. Just to see because he needs to see to actually know if it's just him... or Eren has grown on him._

_''You're quite talkative Corporal.''_

_The boy speaks. He's nervous... is he getting more and more nervous today? No. Of course, not. Levi is just over thinking this because he's still bothered by this intimate contact and he doesn't like it. That's all._

_''Cut me some slack. Talkativeness is in my personality.''_

_Not really, but he needs to fill the silence. That's why he's been talking. The room is uncomfortable. It's silent without everyone else. It's uneasy with Eren's anxious energy ready to blow any moment. It's also awkward because Levi doesn't like where Eren is going with all of his shitty behavior. He didn't notice at first... but now, he does._

_Tch, his legs hurts and he flinches._

_''I'm sorry. It was all my fault. If only I'd made the right decision...''_

_''I told you. No one could have foreseen the outcome.''_

_This again. Isn't he tired of playing the same thing over and over again... at least, he doesn't go for a hug now. It's not like Levi actually hated the closeness in reality, but he'd rather hate it than like it. Liking it wouldn't be simple, but it is simple to concentrate on the present moment._

_Good timing, he thinks when Erwin comes in with a few faces he's familiar with; like Armin Arlet and Mikasa Ackerman. He doesn't know the other guy with a weird haircut, but he's assuming it's one of Eren's friends. At this point, Levi doesn't really care about this plan. He listens more for Eren than himself. Hey, he's the last member of his Squad and it's not like Levi can participate in any mission right now. It's not like he's happy about it though... quite the opposite._

_He doesn't look at Eren. He reads what Erwin gave him, but none of it matters. They explain and all he knows is Eren feels the pressure more and more with each sentence bringing him closer to Armin's conclusion..._

_''Annie Leonhardt.''_

_''Annie's the Female Titan?'' Eren asks even though it's pretty clear by now for anyone listening to this conversation. Yet, he feels the need to ask it again, unsure. ''Why? Why would you say that, Armin?!''_

_That's it. Armin's arguments make sense, but Levi stares at Eren as he starts to light up with something strong again; panic. Levi knows Eren isn't stupid.  It's not that he doesn't get it. It's because he gets it, actually. He just doesn't want it to be true. He doesn't want to believe it... and he doesn't have to believe it, because they do not have any tangible evidence. None. They assume, which is correct, but Eren Jaeger won't believe this easily. He won't assume even if it makes complete sense to everyone else... because he is good._

_He's too good to be true and he sees everyone with his own twisted perception. It's black or white... There's nothing in between._

_''I got that, kid. Do you have any other evidence?'' I ask him... more for Eren than for myself because I already know the answer to this question before he says it._

_''I don't.''_

_''In my opinion, the Female titan resembles Annie.''_

_Oh god... what a nice argument coming from Ackerman, but there's more to this than the stupidity of this comment. It's the blind faith in Armin she has. Unlike Eren, she trusts his judgement completely and she doesn't have any problem with it, even if it's someone she knows. Eren can't possibly think of understanding that. He's not in the same league and probably never will be. He wouldn't sacrifice someone just because Armin thinks it's the answer._

_Levi wouldn't either, but..._

_''What? What are you even saying? Is that all you-''_

_''So we've got no proof, but we'll still do it.'' I sum it up for Eren... because he doesn't get it yet and he needs to. There's no need to struggle. If you can save hundreds with the life of one, it's better than losing hundreds for one. That's how Erwin thinks and probably Armin. That's the better course to take too._

_There's no ''If it's not Annie...'', because everyone here is ready to sacrifice her for him. Even Levi would sacrifice her for Eren. It's one for one. If it works, Eren will be safe. If it works, Levi will be able to save him.  It's probably the same for Armin, he'd rather take the chance than lose Eren... because he values Eren more than her._

_... and Levi does too._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something big is going to happen in the next chapter guys!!!! SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!! è_é


	5. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end, the scene I've been talking about will be in the next chapter so... LOOK FORWARD TO IT!
> 
> I enjoy reading all of your comments to my fic; they make my day each time and it makes writing all of this worth it. Don't hesitate. I hope you can forgive me for Eren's death in the previous chapter with this one and... Yeah, probably the next chapter too! ;) This chapter might be little shorter than usual... It's a few words shorter than usual I think, but that's because I had to cut the chapter in two. I felt like everything was hapenning together if I joined the rest of the chapter with this one. Levi and you, readers, wouldn't be able to catch a breath and mourn Eren before I dragged you into something else... so yeah, I decided to make a little 'pause' by changing chapter.
> 
> Enjoy! =)

I can hardly bring myself to sit at my station to dive into the Replayer anymore and it's not only because Eren Jaeger is dead. Sure, his death brought another dimension to the Replayer; I'll have to witness his death and Levi’s death. I realized I wasn't ready for it. It might not have been anytime soon, but I couldn't know when he'd die and how he would. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It became an apprehension, but I still managed to be interested in the Replayer and I was actually looking forward to seeing Eren in the Replayer while he was there... It felt like I needed to see him eventually and I ignored that impression because it was unsettling. That, plus Hanji's instruction brought an additional dimension to the Replayer; Invasion of Privacy. I was looking forward to it, I was looking forward to seeing them even if it was an invasion of privacy. Whenever Eren offered a good sight, Levi would stare more and more each day as he became conscious of the boy. Levi would look at Eren. He'd take a glance. He actually liked watching Eren. I liked it too. He wasn't sure how to interpret it, but he liked it when Eren was the one rushing to spend some time with Levi to end up as flustered as ever. I liked it too. He probably tried to make a move, but Levi would destroy his plans each time. He couldn't possibly let this happen even if he felt like letting it happen. I wanted it to happen. I was looking forward to Eren finding every opportunity to be with the Corporal... Alone.

I felt like I was chasing after a ghost.

Eren didn't exist in my world, but I got my fix in the Replayer and didn't think about Privacy until I started to literally skip through a lot of time to do my job as Hanji asked of me. I started to think about it because I would play the scenes with Eren the most... I was a stalker.

I am stalking a dead boy through some kind of 'Time-Machine.'

I feel the worst about it. About myself. I'm not a stalker. I'm not invading their privacy at all. I tell myself whatever I can to feel better. In the end, getting into the Replayer still bothers me. I can't wait to get in. I can't wait to see him. It's not healthy, but I can't wait and I still got into the Replayer this morning. I did it and it could have been fine.

However... It went too far. I went too far.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 06-22_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_She could have been mistaken for a Princess from a tale; sleeping and waiting for a Prince to wake her up. She wears the peaceful expression she had ever since she lost and turned to crystal. She remains frozen in time without moving and there's no way to break her out. No way to learn anything about it or about her. Crystal or not, Annie Leonhart is a dangerous threat to Humanity and, more importantly, to Eren._

_They couldn't take the risk of the Sleeping Beauty waking up from her slumber to go on a killing spree again so they assigned guards to her at all times... kind of like Levi is watching over Eren. When Levi enters the room in the dungeon where they've put the crystal, the soldier acknowledges him with greetings followed with a 'sir!' in a similar way that Eren does, but.. Yeah, it really doesn't feel the same. Hanji works at some weird device close to the crystal before she turns around with her usual excited expression._

_''Levi! YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!... or rather, hear this!''_

_It echoes in the room and it's even more annoying, but he walks forward anyway. There's a little nod for the soldier to acknowledge him before he tells him to go ahead and take a break while Hanji and him are there... but it's not like Annie wouldn't be trouble anyway if she turned back. Hell, he managed to hold his ground against her in the past, but right now wouldn't be a good time to have a fight with her. Not with his injury. Sure, Hanji is there and she's good, but she is reckless and it wasn't a good idea against Annie. The girl was good._ Really _good._

_''What do you want, shitty glasses?'' he asks as he gets close enough to touch the cold surface of the crystal. He didn't expect it to actually be cold when he first touched it. He thought it would be hot just like Eren's body temperature... No, he didn't learn that out of personal experience! He learned it from Hanji, no worries. He wasn't going to experience it, no._

_...he did think about it though, but that is something he'd rather keep to himself._

_''Come here!'' she asks, but she's dragging him by the arms anyway and shoving something against his ear suddenly.  There was no need to ask anything if that was her intention, but that's what you usually get from Hanji... He's about to mention it just because he's annoyed by her behavior. Always is._

_...but never mind that._

_There's a sound coming out of the device. It beats like a drum. Like a Hammer. Like..._

_''Her heart.''_

_The words flow out of his mouth following his thought and Hanji's eyes light up with excitement when he says it before she can tell him. Her lips curl in a smile._

_''That's right!... Levi, this mean so much; She's alive! It's like she's going through hibernation or some other dormancy state where she suppresses her metabolism and sleeps to protect herself and have better survival chance. It's similar to animals!''_

_''How long does this last?''_

_Levi's still listening to the slow paced heartbeat in the crystal. There might be a chance for them to get the girl and get answers from her if she wakes up from her sleep and gets out of her crystal shield._

_''No idea. Usually, hibernation varies a lot depending on the species, the environment and the triggers for it. It can last a day, but... it can also last for months! Maybe years!''_

_He sure hopes this isn't going to last for years, because they do not have the time to wait years for her to wake up. Hell, they might even die before it happens._

_''What did Erwin say about this?''_

_''He was busy when I went to see him just a while earlier... I couldn't get the chance to talk to him and it didn't seem like good news.''_

_''When was that?''_

_''Morning. It was early... I think.''_

_''How long have you been in this basement, you abnormal woman?! It's late in the afternoon now.'' That's Hanji for you... Not keeping track of time as she works on her weird projects or experiments. The absence of windows in this room surely didn't help, but still.. A few hours do not go by in the blink of an eye. Not to Levi, at least. ''Go! I'll watch over her until the soldier comes back and you'll tell Erwin about this.''_

_With that, Hanji is off and Levi is left all alone with Annie. It could've lasted a long time and Levi wouldn't have minded that at all. Lately, he found Eren around him way too much. The boy should have been in bed because his last transformation into a Titan left him weak, but keeping Eren Jaeger in bed proved to be harder than they thought. The boy didn't listen at all. Even when Levi came to tell him to fucking lay down and rest, it often turned out to be awkward... and useless as Eren wouldn't listen and use the opportunity to get closer to Levi until he lost it and became harsh with the boy._

_Eren Jaeger would usually get upset and drop it._

_Of course, when Levi finally gets a moment of peace to think about all of this; Annie, her ability to harden her skin, her ability to enter hibernation and... Eren Jaeger in all of this. He finds himself facing Eren again. The boy is standing in the doorway and he looks like a child caught making mischief by a parent... in this case, he got caught sneaking in a room he shouldn't be allowed in by his Corporal. Discreetness really isn't one of Jaeger's talents, that's all there is to it. He throws a little shy smile at Levi as he enters the room without waiting for Levi to give his authorization. He leans against the door. His eyes switch between Levi and Annie for a while before he says anything, but it leaves Levi speechless when he does._

_''What's going to happen to me if I turn crystal too?''_

_There's a pause before Levi manages to answer that question. It's not that the question itself is hard to answer... it's because he feels worry in the boy when he asks about that and Levi can't really find a way to reassure him. The truth is; he doesn't really know._

_''Why in the world would you turn to crystal, Jaeger?''_

_''I don't know... I don't know much about my Titan abilities and I might do it without knowing... by accident.''_

_Oh. Right._

_''You won't.'' he tells him. There's no way for him to be sure of it, but Eren probably wouldn't turn to crystal by accident. If he did, it would be because somehow... he thought about it. Just like he needs a goal to transform into a Titan, Levi doubts he can turn to crystal by accident. It must be something he needs to do to achieve a goal, otherwise he won't. However, even if he does... Levi can tell him one thing. It's little, but it might help. ''Come here.''_

_The boy leaves his spot by the door to walk to him, right next to Annie. He's close. He's closer than Levi wants him... but also too far from where Levi actually wants him to be. It's annoying. It bothers him, but he finds himself being even closer as he holds the device against Eren’s ear. He notices the way Eren breathes in and then holds his breath... He does it too until he tells himself to actually breathe and stop being stupid. He notices the way Eren's lips part slightly. He notices the way the boy looks at him... like he's not sure what to do with himself anymore. His cheeks take a light pink color and... Yeah, he probably didn't catch up on the sound going through his ear._

_''It's her heart,'' states Levi for him. ''Even if you turn to crystal, you won't die  and you'll probably be able to turn back after a while...''_

_''Will you...'' The boy interrupts him, but he stops himself right after he starts his sentence... like he didn't mean to speak in the first place. Levi looks up to him. Yeah, looks up because he's that tall from Levi's point of view. He sees green eyes panic slightly as their eyes meet. He hears him swallow nervously and he knows Eren isn't done talking, but he turns around taking the device away from Eren's ear... until the boy catches his wrist and then opens his mouth again : ''Will you wait for me to turn back if I do?!''_

_''...What?''_

_It comes out of his mouth before he thinks about it. He heard that right, he knows it, but he can't help but deny it._

_''I want you to wait for me! I want to fight with you... I want to be by your side!''_

_Alright. He really needs to get out of this, but Jaeger doesn't let go of his wrist yet. He's not done. He won't drop it. Not now. He shouldn't have asked him to repeat himself. He should have told him straight away to shut up about it. He shouldn't have given him the little chance he had to say stuff like that... but he can still deny it and play it like he wants to play it; acting innocent._

_''It's not like we have a choice, shitty brat. You're the only hope we have right now.''_

_...but that's not what Eren had in mind._

_''That's not what I meant!'' His voice rises. His grip tightens. His eyes glow._

_''Let go of me this instant, Jaeger. And don't make me repeat myself.''_

_He doesn't have to. The boy lets go of his wrist, but he walks forward and Levi refuses to walk backward to maintain his personal space... Not in this situation._

_''Why don’t you answer me?!''_

_''I already did...'' He walks away to put the device back on the table. It's the perfect excuse to get some space and get out of this situation. Eren is insistent. He already knew that much. He liked his determination in the cell when he first saw him. He still does, but he'd rather see it aimed at someone else because, of course, Eren is already going to him when he turns back to face the boy... and it’s a bother._

_''You didn’t! I wasn't speaking about anyone else... I was talking about you and me.''_

_He's close, too close again._

_''Damn kid, shut your mouth already. There's no need to talk about you and me because...''_

_And then, everything he wanted to say get stolen from him as Eren Jaeger tilts his head to reach his level and pushes his lips against him forcefully. He presses his body forward to squeeze Levi and stop him from leaving. Levi's ass hits the table where he just dropped Hanji's device, but he forgets about it somewhere on Jaeger's lips... between his own parted lips crushed under Eren's, because he was in the middle of speaking when it happened. It's awkward, but he still finds himself sighing against his lips like it took a huge weight off of his shoulders. It's incredibly awkward still. Levi stays still and Eren doesn't do much except crash his lips against Levi's and keep them there. For a moment, they stay like that; unable to move... as Levi stares at Eren's face before finally closing his eyes. It feels like an eternity when they just stand there with their lips against one another awkwardly, but it probably only lasts a second before Eren pulls back in a rush. His face is red. His eyes wide open._

_...and Levi stares at him in disbelief not even sure it happened._

_''I'm... I'm sorry!'' says the boy in a rush as he takes a step back. ''I didn't mean to do that. I swear, it wasn't my intention... I didn't mean to attack you! I'm sorry!''_

_...but it happened._

_''Fucking brat... Shut up already!''_

-           

 

It was nothing more than lips touching and bodies becoming stiff from the touch of another in the darkness of a basement lit up by a little lamp. Nothing more. Nothing less. It could hardly be called a kiss. Yet, it made me sigh with contentment when Eren kissed Levi and... Yeah, it makes me freak out.

''Log me out!''

I’m almost screaming. In front of me, Levi’s hands reach out for Eren’s shirt and pull him forward... and down, because of the height difference to kiss him again. Properly this time too.

The thing is... Levi feels this way about Eren. Not me. I am not Levi... isn’t that correct?

''Yes, right away!''

Eren Jaeger disappears like he was never there to begin with... along with his warmth and the softness of his lips against mine. It felt real. It felt like it was a kiss for me. It wasn’t. It was a kiss for Levi... I shouldn’t even witness this, let alone feel it. I never felt guilty for watching porn in my whole life and now I am feeling bad for some dead kid having a crush on his Corporal... and for enjoying it when he kisses him. It makes me feel like a freak and I can use this as an excuse to log out in a rush, but that’s not it.

It is part of it, sure, but there’s something way more important; I must be mistaking Levi with myself because...

I am obviously attracted to Eren Jaeger, but it's not simply attraction... I'm fond of him and you could even say; I li... Hell, I like him.

-           

 

''Log me out!'' I shout, but nothing happens. The voice doesn't even acknowledge my command.

No. Eren Jaeger is still there and Levi(or me at this point, I don't know anymore) is kissing the living shit out of him... or rather, everything about him except my mouth, but whatever. Hot. Wet. He bites. He licks. Oh god. What the fuck are we doing? This isn't right. I shouldn't be there... Ah. No. Wait.

Damn it, Levi! Move! Don't let him do that... Don't let him open his pants and push them down slightly on his freaking hips... but, Hey guess what?

Nope. This isn't going to happen. Fuck you, Levi. Fuck you, Rivaille.

''I told you to log me the fuck out! At least, pause it!... DO SOMETHING!''

Our lips kiss his navel after dragging the shirt out of his pants to lift it up a little. His body arches to the touch. His head moves back with the movement. His lips open up slightly as he breathes loudly. And then, Levi... or rather, _we_ do something weird; we bury the side of our face into his tummy. There's a little kiss that goes there; in the soft flesh with the corner of our lips and finally... we breathe him.

I breathe Eren Jaeger in like a drug... like a fix to an addiction and it seems to me like such an intimate thing to actually smell him; like the wilderness. It smells like grass. It resembles the smell of green tea... with a light touch of fruits. It's Eren's... and I love it... and I lose myself in it as Levi's mouth travels further down his stomach...

''Daddy!'' Oh god... I dare you to tell me I fucking dreamed this. ''Are you alright?''

No. I'm not, but I keep it to myself. I close my eyes after opening them to her face when she wakes me up. I feel them getting humid again as I come back to reality. You know, Eren Jaeger might not even smell like that for all I know. This is JUST a dream. Yeah. Nothing else. It's not like I know. It's not like I'm Levi and it's not like I remember anything... It's all in my head and it's my imagination running wild, that's all.

''I'm fine'' I manage to say without sounding too affected by any of it... because Eren Jaeger is dead and I'll never be able to confirm any of it. Never. ''I just had a weird dream, that's all. You can go back to sleep. I'm sorry for waking you up, honey.''

She moves back. I feel her weight moving off the side of the bed and her footsteps getting further and further away... then, I open my eyes to the darkness of my own room to take the reality in; Yeah, I dreamed of Eren Jaeger. I dreamed I was Levi. I dreamed of kissing every inch of his skin. I dreamed of foreplay and... actually, I enjoyed it so much I freaked out.

''Are you sure...?''

''Yeah.''

I'll manage.

-           

 

''I need to take a few weeks off.'' I say it like there's simply no other way for me. That's just how it's going to go and I already know she won't disagree because she needs me to live as Levi in his memories.

She lifts her head from behind her computer to look at me and she stares like she's judging me before actually answering my request.

''Why is that? Did something happen or... Are you going on Vacation somewhere? With someone?'' she seems overly happy over that last question and she leans forward with interest while I back away from that.

''No, that's not it... I just need to put my thoughts together for...''

''Who is it!? I never thought you were the kind to meet new people, so... Are you going back with your ex-wife? Nah, that's not it. Erwin Smith, then? Damn, I'd been unable to keep your little secret, I'm sorry... since I'm friends with Mike, you know!''

That's it. She didn't listen to me at all. She got way too friendly with me over the months... and I could probably blame her relationship with Mike Zacharius for that, and therefore Erwin, but whatever. This is irrelevant right now.

''No, No and No! I'm not going anywhere on vacation; I just need a break from Levi... and Eren.''

Oh god, it feels like I breathe his name out when I say it and I just hope she doesn't know or see anything from it, from me.

''I'm sorry; I didn't mean to be invasive.''

I nod. I know. I'm just not very patient lately and I don't sleep well, that's why I'm not putting up with her incessant talking. That's why I raised my tone slightly.

''It's fine. I'm not feeling really good these days...''

There's a little awkward moment where she looks at me in that way I hate once again; like she's trying to find any answers or any hints I'd give away, but I remain like that without moving, because I'm going to have this little break. I will.

''O.K., you can have it. You have two weeks of vacation available for you anyway, just take them.''

''Perfect. Do that.''

I stand up from my seat to leave the room, but she speaks again when I'm about to close the door behind me with a small ''Thank you'.' No. I couldn't possibly just leave like that; I have to answer that question again.

''Levi, is everything alright?''

''Yeah.''

Everything is fucking perfect!...


	6. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is it! I hope you like it and I want to hear about you FROM YOU! What are you thinking... ? Do you like this new 'development'? =)  
> This is the chapter with the scene I've been waiting forever for you guys to read / see and I hope it does it for you too. I couldn't wait for this, but now... it's out! Yay! awwwh, I'm freaking out hoping you like it!!!! è_é
> 
> I like the idea of the Baseball Player... I saw a Fanart of it on Tumblr and I fell in love with the idea. There's a big Baseball Diamond really close to wear I live (2 actually, but one of them is smaller) the big one we have with like a Glowing Screen for Results n stuff. I should try a picture and upload it on my Tumblr sometimes soon (but it'll be covered in snow at this time of the year). When I was younger... like a teenager, I used to say the guild looked good with their Baseball Jersey + The pants (tight! Ahah!)... so yeah.
> 
> I actually listened to 'Dreams of the Shore/Near Another World' while writing the end here... It makes me think about Open Field somehow and Green Scenery, so yeah; Feel free to listen to this song from a good old game! =)
> 
> Oh god... I stop talking now!!!!

For a second, after Petra explains Mikasa's report card to me, there's a comfortable silence where I take a look at our daughter's results in School, but there isn't much to it. I've never been one to pay that much attention to the little digits telling me her scores in the different disciplines. I was good in school, but I didn't make a big deal of it and I tried to give that attitude to Mikasa... because she's pretty good once she puts her mind to something. As usual, I get a little smile at the sight of the 100% in P.E. at the very bottom of the paper before I lift my head to look back at Petra, but she's not where I expect her to be. No. She's standing right there and she's staring straight at me like she waited for me.

''I heard you took a few days off work'' she starts and I feel like I am now waiting for it as she opens her mouth and spills it out; her usual worries and her usual question. ''Do you want to take a break and take Mikasa next week instead?''

And the answer is already ready for her.

''No, I'm good.''

She nods and she returns to her work in the kitchen where I follow her instead of going outside to the loud voices of everyone having a bit too much fun. I've never been much of a guy to party, but it's always the same every summer on Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day... I never manage to get out of it. Even if I wasn't on vacation, I wouldn't be able to use work as an excuse. Yeah, on this National Shitty Holiday there isn't such a thing as : Work. It always gets me invited to Petra's place for food, beer, fire, fireworks and too much socialization with too many people, as in; Petra's family and some of their friends, Mikasa's friend Sasha, Erwin with Mike and, finally, me. All this to say; I'd rather stay inside and assist Petra in whatever she's doing than go outside to talk to everyone. Sure, I get along with Erwin and there's nothing about it, but Mike is weird and meeting Auruo's friend has never been an interest. Meeting new people in general has never been something to look forward to.

Meeting Armin wasn't something I wanted to do when I did. I just didn't have a choice.

''I just needed to get my mind off the stuff I'm working on at work...'' I add to it as I follow her and I realize I didn't need to say that, but I do anyway... as If I want her to know.

''That's unlike you, you always managed to keep 'Home Business' at home and 'Work Business' at work before. What happened?''

I do. I want her to know.

It's not about love. It's about friendship. Because Petra wasn't just my wife or my girlfriend, ever since we got old enough to turn our friendship into dating... She was my best friend all along and, as I listen to her over the food she's making while Auruo is at the barbecue outside; I miss her as my best and closest friend. She would probably listen to all this stories about Eren Jaeger. She wouldn't judge. She wouldn't call me a weirdo or anything. She'd just try her best to help just like she did when I met Erwin Smith for the first time. This time, again, I'd probably feel good about opening up to her, but... This time, it's different and it's unrealistic for me to see things through. It's impossible.

I can't let her know.

''Nothing really... I'm probably just over thinking it and it leads me nowhere, except being tired.''

Is this what Armin meant when he said not to let them know? Did he mean everyone from back then?... like Petra? Like Mikasa? Nearly every single person around me is from back then! Do I have to mourn alone? Do I have to keep all of it to myself? I want Eren Jaeger to be there, damn it! No. I want none of this to ever happen to me! I probably wouldn't care. I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't dream of him. Hell, I wouldn't dream of touching him. I wouldn't feel this shitty over someone who doesn't even exist and, finally, I wouldn't need to talk about it. About him.

-           

 

''I don't know what's the deal, but you guys need to mind your own business.'' I groan as I sit next to Erwin Smith at the Campfire... I don't even know if this is Mike's seat or not. It doesn't matter since he's in the pool anyway and nowhere close to getting out from all the fun I can hear coming out of there.

''What are you talking about?'' he asks and I swear... He knows what I'm talking about.

''Don't make me copy Auruo and call you guys the Rivaille's FanClub'' It's so silly, I can't believe I said that out loud... but it makes Erwin laugh when he hears my stoic voice say it so damn seriously. Auruo says it in that particular way that always makes you laugh, but me... Nah, I'm not funny. I just use his expression because it's incredibly appropriate right now considering that my two exes are friends... and talking about me.

''I merely told my friend, Petra, about your sudden need of a vacation because it surprised me when I heard about it from Mike...''

''I don't even want to know why your boyfriend is telling you about what I do at work.''

I sigh. Don't worry. He laughs. It's not like that. I do not give that much of a good impression on people I dated and it's not like I'm outstanding at sex either. I guess I'm just lucky I made good friends along the line somewhere... even if they're a little bit too invading. Other than both being my friend, none of this is about me. Petra knew Erwin Smith before I did. She liked him before I did because she was always the one to go to School to see Mikasa's teacher. I can tell you one thing though; when I got the chore of going at the time, I wanted to go to all of them just to see this fine piece of man stand there and tell me about how skillful my daughter is... and somewhere along the line, our meetings weren't that much about Mikasa's skill in sport, I can tell you that.

Erwin Smith marked the end of my relationship with Petra upon the realization that I simply wasn't heterosexual and there was nothing else to it. They didn't stop being friends for it. It was hard at first, for her more than for him, but Petra admitted quickly that our relationship was more platonic than anything... and if my relationship with Erwin Smith was something, it definitely wasn't platonic. It was more sexual than anything and once we got tired of it, it was over just like that. I didn't lose anyone I loved. I saw them come and go, but I ended up lucky enough for them not to go too far... even though I wish they would go a little bit further, but that's alright.

That's my 'FanClub' like Auruo calls them... Stupid as fuck, but whatever.

''Mike isn't the jealous type, if anything... He kind of likes you.''

''Great. Another one.'' It's sarcastic. The 'R' of great rolls on my tongue a little bit too long to be an honest answer and I'm on my way to add something else to it before he talks, but... No.

''He said you yelled at the machine to log you out and it surprised everyone.''

Oh. Oooh... I see.

''It was nothing. I was surprised by...''

''Daddy yells it too sometimes at home.'' starts Mikasa suddenly joining in and I swear... If I could make her shut the fuck up with my eyes alone; I would. I feel Erwin's eyes on me and I look at her without giving in to him. Or her. Drop it. They should all drop it. It doesn't matter. I want to forget it. I don't want to be reminded of it... of him, but Mikasa smiles and she turns about Erwin to add: ''He wakes up very panicked, but it fades away.''

Damn kids!

''Ooh'' sighs Erwin and I cringe at it.

''It's fine. I'm just having nightmares about something happening in it... and I freak out when I'm reminded of it... in it.'' I avoid saying the Replayer with it because I don't want Mikasa to understand and I know Erwin gets it. Of course, it's not true. I'm not going to tell him something like : Hey, I'm dreaming I am getting at it with Eren Jaeger. NO WAY IN HELL! At the same time, it's not exactly a lie either. He can't possibly know what happened in the Replayer when I freaked out. He doesn't work there. Mike does, but Erwin Smith is just a teacher.

''What's it?''

''Nothing.'' I tell her and here comes my attempt to direct this conversation in another direction! ''Where's Sasha?''

''She went to get her cell phone to show me her boyfriend!''

''Ah, I see...'' Wait. ''Boyfriend?''

''Yes, her boyfriend. It's Connie!'' Oh god, I didn't want to think about that kind of stuff for a few years yet... Don't tell me I'll have to watch out for boys around my daughter now!?

''I know Connie Springer, he's a good kid. I have him in one of my classes.''

''Hey, Erwin... Why do you have Sasha's boyfriend in your class? I thought you only teach in Secondary School.''

''I do, but...''

''Connie is seventeen years old and he plays baseball!'' suddenly interrupts Sasha while showing us a picture of a boy with her phone and Damn! I know Sasha is two years older than Mikasa and she met Mikasa because of the Daycare Center and because they've been living close, but Still! Seventeen? That explains why Erwin knows him.

I don't want my daughter to hang out around such hormonal teenagers thinking about nothing, but shoving their dicks somewhere!... so, when she asks : ''Can we go see his Baseball match on Thursday?''

I tell her the most appropriate answer :

''Fine, but... I'll go with you.''

And that's how I ended up dragged into this.

-           

 

I had no plans on how to keep myself busy while I was on break. Nothing. I was going to go with the flow of things. I wanted Mikasa home to keep me busy with her plans and her energy. I wasn't really complaining about this stupid baseball match. I'm not a big fan of sports, I've never been. Everyone seems to be fans of the Canadian of Montreal, our Hockey Team while I'm not. Of course, I have no interest in the Baseball Match of some teenagers, but... Hey! Mikasa is my excuse. She keeps me out of the house and I make sure nothing happens to her while she's there talking to Connie with Sasha. He introduces her to his friends from the Baseball Team, even boys from the other Team and I barely pay attention... as long as they keep their distance, I'm good. I do not pay attention to any of the boys from the opposite team and, of course, it's not until the match starts and she comes back to sit right next to me with Sasha that I hear of it...

''Oh my god, Mikasa! Like... He looks sooo good!'' says Sasha with a intense expression as she feeds herself potato chips eagerly. I can pretty much see every little remnant of chips left on her mouth when she speaks like this... Ew.

''Close your mouth when you're speaking, Sasha. I don't need to see what you're having for a meal.''

Shut up, Rivaille is pretty much the answer I get as they both ignore me and keep going about how that boy was cute. He had such pretty eyes. He had such a pretty smile. He had such... To hell with boys!

I feel like I'm watching the match more than Mikasa and Sasha... which I probably am and that's pretty impressive considering how I go over each one of these boys in an attempt to find THE one Mikasa finds cute without really watching the game, but I must have shitty taste because I can't find the boy who's supposedly that pretty until I reach the boy standing tall in the middle of the court; the pitcher.

Then, only then, I knew this whole idea to see Baseball was a bad idea... probably the worst.

I can't really describe how it happens or how I know it does. I just know it when my eyes meet his. It doesn't matter how far from each other we are, I'd recognize him anywhere. It's from the way he moves as he removes this stupid baseball cap, wipes the sweat off his forehead, lifts his head and stares into the distance and, finally, to the way his eyes open wide when they look in my direction. It's that perfect and never changing color... It's green. It's that tanned skin like coffee with milk. It lasts for an instant, but it's enough to turn me upside down. One look, that's all it takes for me too feel the stupid butterflies in my stomach. That's all it takes for me to fall back... back in Levi's place.

It lasts just an instant, but I feel the whole world shutting down around me. No usual intro to dive in and put me in Levi's shoes, there's nothing. It's just there and I dive in the green. Leaf. Green. Grass. Green. Trees and flowers blowing fast enough for me to see them. Head in the grass with a tree above and the wind blowing through its leaves, that's what comes to me in a rush... a surge through my nervous system and I find myself standing up as the boy looks away to throw the ball like nothing happened. And hey, maybe nothing happened for real... but No, I have to go home. I can't. I just can't possibly deal with a fucking lookalike... I just can't.

Why can't I fucking have one day alone!?

''We're leaving.''

''Eh? Why?''

''Stop whining and let's go!''

...and that's how I manage to destroy Mikasa's day at a stupid baseball match with my obsessions.

I don't even know how I drive back to Sasha’s home and drop her there. I don't know how I get home, I just know I'm at the door of the apartment with Mikasa behind me and I find my way to my bedroom as I break down against a closed door... like I've seen a fucking ghost.


	7. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like I was all over the place with this chapter... and tried to put too much in just 5000 words, but according to my Precious Proof-Reader it's not the case. Let's hope everyone agree with this. I hope this chapter will make everyone happy, cuz it makes ME happy! ahah! Other than that, I've been trying to find song to suits the fic when I'm writing or just making up my 'Plans' for the next chapters to come. I'll probably make a post on Tumblr (iplaythegayme) about that where I'll put a few in, but here's one of them:
> 
>  
> 
> _He had stolen my illusions_  
>  And I needed then so badly  
> I grew tired of my confusion  
> 'Cause he was still there - everywhere
> 
>  
> 
>  _You came along and I was lost and found (lost and found)_  
>  My life went on but I was lost and found  
> You came along and I was stuck in my past  
> There was a new life in sight but I was blind  
> Lost and Found by Delerium
> 
> Enjoy!

I search for him under the covers, for the source of the warmth of the bed. I turn and turn. I keep my eyes shut not willing to wake up completely yet. It's not there. It's not clinging to me like it is sometimes, so I search further away from me.  I search for him between the sheets with my hand traveling against the mattress till it reaches the warm body of Eren Jaeger... but there's nothing to reach. The bed is warm, yeah, but it's only because of my own heat. It's comfortable, it is, but it's cold as cold can be when my hand drops after meeting with... well, nothing. Right, because Eren Jaeger wasn't there to begin with. He wouldn't be. Never.

I wake up fully after that. I admit it though; I take a glance to my side as if the boy would be sleeping there peacefully and, for a second, I see it. I see him laying there on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow. I see it. I imagine his chocolate hair poking out from under the covers... No. I'm not imagining it; I'm recalling it briefly before being hit by the reality of an empty bed. I crawl back into the heat with a sigh and my own disappointment gets on my nerves.  When I finally give up and get out of the bed to start my day, it says 11:11 on the clock and I take an instant before leaving the room to wish stupidly for a good day.

...but it's a failure the moment I leave the room.

"Hold on! He asked you to... What?" I recognize my daughter’s excited voice in the living room where she had her little pyjama party with Sasha last night, because I felt like I needed to make up with Mikasa after my weird behavior of the other day at the Baseball Match... I never said I was the best dad in the world, did I? I walk into the hallway expecting them to have a normal conversation, but I hear the worst thing I could expect to hear first thing in the morning in this situation:

"...Connie asked me if I wanted to try putting _it_ in my mouth."

I don’t know why I know what they’re talking about. It might be the way she insists on _it_ or the way she speaks secretively, like she’s kind of shy about it... but also excited at the same time. I just know what _it_ means and what Connie asked to put in her mouth. After all, it’s coming from Sasha and I always thought she was ahead of Mikasa in that kind of stuff, but... I didn’t expect that. I’d rather have my daughter as far as possible from that kind of thing.

I cough loudly before entering the living room to make Sasha shut up about her sexual life. I don’t really feel like knowing that kind of thing... God, no, I’m not hearing this conversation. Sasha stops talking when I make my presence obvious and both girls lift their heads to look to me.

"Good Morning!"

"...Yeah, to you two too." I try to be pleasant, but my voice still sounds rough. I’ve never been a morning person and this morning hasn’t been good so far after the disappointment of Eren not being next to me... well, I don’t know if it’s such a bad thing all things considered. I woke up alone as it should be and I probably just thought the boy at the Baseball match looked like him because I wanted him to look like him.

Yeah, that must be it.

"Did you have breakfast yet?" I ask and Sasha sits up from her position on the couch with Mikasa to look at me like she’s ready to attack me... or like I’m some kind of feast. Right, because that girl is a freaking ogre when it comes to food. Her parents must be using half the groceries just on her.

"Will you make pancakes for us, Levi?"

"Yeah, Dad! That would be awesome."

Damn it. I hate cooking... but at the same time, I don’t feel like having my usual toast with a coffee like every other day of the week either.

"...Fine, but you’re cleaning the living room while I make them... both of you." Yeah, because I know how Sasha tends to be lazy and I insist that both of them do it, not just Mikasa. If there’s anything left of their midnight snack in my living room, it’s definitely not my daughter’s fault, but Sasha’s.

I can hear Sasha whine and Mikasa laughing when I turn around to gather everything I need in the kitchen. For an instant, it seems to me like this might have been a shitty start, but it’s going to get better from now on. Mikasa and Sasha are cleaning the living room where they slept and it’s starting to look like my usual living room again. I can hear them giggle from time to time and I do not pick up anything from their stupid conversation until they walk into the hallway to put back everything they used (and do the laundry). It’s barely audible. It’s asked in a shy little voice I’m not used to hearing from Mikasa, but I hear it clearly because this apartment is shit... and if I can hear my neighbors having sex clearly, of course I can hear what Mikasa’s saying in the hallway.

"So... Did you do it?"

"No. I didn’t. I tried, but it was too weird... I just couldn’t do it." Oh... God. I raise the fan’s power in an attempt to stop hearing this freaking conversation I don’t want to know anything about this and...

"Oh my god! You didn’t! You've let him down!!" More importantly, I’d rather not think about Mikasa being into that kind of thing yet... It sounds to me like she can’t believe Sasha didn’t do it and I can’t help but wonder why she seems so confident she can do it. She giggles like she’s got shit under control already. Like it’s all good. She doesn’t have any insecurity about it for whatever reason. It’s not like my daughter has any experience right? I know they teach the basics in School, but why does she sound like she knows that shit!? She doesn’t. I swear... It better be a fucking facade to prove to Sasha that she’s not a little girl anymore or something.

"I just didn’t know what to do with it once it was right in front of me...'' There's a pause where I hope this conversation is over already, but it's not. ''You have no idea how it is... I bet you wouldn’t do any better! You don’t really know how to do it either, do you?"

Until now, I was trying to make as much sound as I possibly can and I admit that I drop doing that when I hear that last sentence from Sasha. I just stand there without even paying attention to what I cook as I suddenly listen and wait for an answer from Mikasa, because there is an explanation... I know there is. I could go with an explanation such as: I saw it in a movie. I’d deal with it. No, the explanation from Mikasa is a lot worse than everything I could possibly imagine... I drop the eggs I’ve been holding when I hear the words she tells Sasha like it’s a secret; that’s how bad it is.

"I know how to do it. It was very quick, but I saw my dad doing it to Erwin once..."

''B-But Levi is... and Erwin is a...''

"Fuck!" ...my life. Really? Are you fucking serious now? My daughter saw me blowing Erwin’s dick when we were going out AND I made a fucking mess with my eggs. No. This must have been a goddamn joke. Somehow, my outburst seems to bring Mikasa and Sasha to the kitchen. I find them here when I get to cleaning up after myself. My daughter's face is bright red. Sasha looks at me oddly. Yeah, this wasn't a joke.

If I had to pick a word to describe breakfast after that, I'd use awkward. . Mikasa doesn’t seem to know what to do or where to look between her friend and me. I feel Sasha’s eyes on me, but she looks elsewhere when I take a glance at her. A bunch of people happen to get caught by their kids when they're having sex. It happened to me when I was about her age because I didn't listen to the simple : Knock before you open the door. I opened the door to a scene I didn't really feel like watching and closed the door like it never happened. I didn't talk about it and it was like everything I was taught in School... just like my teacher told me how to make babies. This time, it might be more complicated and it's probably my fault. It’s shocking, of course, but I know that’s not the main problem here. That's not the reason why Sasha evades my eyes. The problem lies in the part where it was Erwin and I doing it. It wasn't Petra with me and that's not the part you're usually taught in School is it?...

When I first told Mikasa about Erwin, I told her he was a very good friend... and that he might be spending a lot of time with us. She didn't seem to be enjoying Erwin as much as I did, but she didn't seem to mind him either. I answered her questions when they came up and it was simple just like that.  I had that talk with Mikasa... well, I had something close to it, but Sasha isn't my daughter. She's just a little girl Mikasa met at the Day Care Center and ended up hanging out with until now... of course, Erwin was 'Levi's good friend.' Nothing else.

It's not like I felt the need to tell everyone about it. It was nothing special and I acted accordingly, even with Mikasa, but now... I'm not so sure it was such a good idea.

-           

 

''Alright, listen...'' I start. I'm just trying to turn this all into something normal before I drop Sasha home... to her parents. I try to look like I know what I'm doing and it probably works, but the truth is; I have no clue where to go with this and how to bring it up correctly.  I just drop the bomb. ''I heard what you were saying this morning.''

It's instant. Sasha turns red. Mikasa turns to me in a flash: ''Saying what?''

''About having oral sex and about seeing how it's done; I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry Mikasa saw that. I know it seems weird, but I can explain everything. It's not weird, I...''

''I know.''

And to my right, Mikasa nods. ''It's alright. I told her about how much you liked Erwin... just like she likes Connie, so it's fine.'' Magical Thinking; Everything is fixed with love... as if! I'm too old for this shit, but Sasha nods and I don't think I care enough about the sexual education of another girl to explain any further than that. I already have my hands full with one girl... who seems to get the drill already, luckily for me.

I'm pretty sure I should thank Petra for that though.

-           

 

''Sasha's friend asked for my phone number.''

''Isn't that nice, you'll get yourself a new friend to hang out with.''

Alright, I might not be paying as much attention as I should be to what my daughter is telling me. I already forgot where this whole conversation was going as I read Armin's book again and for real this time. I could be telling you I'm reading the book out of pure interest, but... No. I'm just trying to see if I could find a clue or something in it. It's not surprising that I found nothing so far, but I keep reading what seems to be more like a message to his old friends in an attempt to find them and gather them... however, as usual, nothing is said about Eren Jaeger. It's almost as if he didn't even exist to begin with.

I'd believe it if I wasn't seeing him in the Replayer.

''Hey Dad, are you listening?''

''Sorry, what were you saying?''

Pause... She's sulking, but she says it anyway:

''Can I go to his place too?''

''Whose?''

''Connie’s... His friend from the Baseball Match will be there! You don't have to worry; Sasha will be...''

''No.'' It's that. Just that. It's a simple no and I go back to reading the book in my hand...

''Why not!? They are going to be my friends too!'' Here it is... The whining.

''I don't want you to go to Connie's place to meet with some of his friends you thought were cool. You're not going. That's the end of it. Make some friends your age!''

''You started to date Mom when you were only twelve!'' Oh right. I have to admit that it isn't very bright to tell your daughter what you did and then try to go against it when she tries to do the same, but it doesn't matter.

''It was different.'' My opinion isn't changing; she's not going. ''Petra was also twelve and we were in love...''

I guess we were, yeah.

''I might love his friend too!... So that makes it okay, right?'' Here it is again; Magical Thinking. Because of love, I should be letting my daughter meet with some horny seventeen-year-old boy? Love can go to hell.

''Mikasa... You're not going.''

''I'LL TELL MOM ABOUT IT!'' She knows I'm done with this and she knows I'm not going to say yes whatever she does, but Mikasa isn't done. She walks away. Her footsteps are loud and she disappears behind the door to her room, which she closes in a violent push. Oh no, she's not. This definitely isn't the last time I'm going to hear about it.

''... Go ahead.''

-           

 

Armin Arlet walks up to me. There aren’t that many students hanging around the university at this time of the year and I took a chance really, but it was worth it: He's here. I can't exactly say I'm happy to see him, because that's not it really. I do not like him, but I do not dislike him either. I do not trust him, but I do not think he's a liar either. It feels like there's more to this whole thing than he's willing to tell me. It's just that he is the only person I have right now. The only person who knows what I know. The only person able to help me... or just listen.

He wears a light blue polo, which I probably would never wear, but he pulls it off. It gives his blue eyes an additional intensity when they look into mine as he stops a few meters away from me. I wouldn't wear his shorts or his sandals, but I guess it suits him with his 'Good Student' vibe. I've never been a big fan of summer... just like I've never been a 'Good Student' kind of guy.

''Hi Le-Rivaille. Why are you here? Do you remember anything or...''

There's a hesitation before he says my name. It feels like he was going to say 'Levi' for an instant and I remember the first time I met him... and how he was happy to see me. He thought I remembered. He was disappointed because I didn't. I didn't remember anything back then, but now... Now I can't say I don't.

''... or do you have a problem?''`

I do. I have one annoying problem called Eren Jaeger and that's why I came to him... because I wanted to let it out, but I don't know anymore. I can't seem to say anything. I stand there. I stare at him with his perfect little look and I can't make the words come out. Can I really tell him about it? It doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore... but he waits patiently like he knows I'm trying to tell him something and the only thing I manage to say is: ''Do you have time to talk?''

He agrees and we end up in the same cafe as last time, but we both order iced coffee. I don't feel too cheap now. Hot Coffee wasn't even possible with this heat anyway. That would be disgusting. The ice pops. The glass is wet. I look at my glass without knowing where to go with this and he waits with his hand around his own drink...

''...So, do you remember?'' he asks and at the same time, I raise my head and speak: ''Are you sure Eren Jaeger didn't get reincarnated like us?''

And again, at the same time, we both answer with a ''Yeah'' like a choir, but mine is slightly less confident. Do I remember? I don't know. I feel like I do. I dream of Eren Jaeger and I dream of Levi. I dream of events I shouldn't know... and I'm sure they were real at one point in time. I believe it, but there's no way to be sure.

No. Wait. There might be.

''Do you know how Levi....I mean, how _I_ died?''

''I wasn't there when you died, but it is said you died in action. We found a corpse on the shore a little bit further from where it took place a few months after your mission and we brought what was left of the corpse back with us. I mean, it was impossible to be sure... The corpse didn't have any gear on and it was in a pretty shitty state, but it was facing the ocean. I always believed it was you. It must have been you. No one else wanted to see the ocean as much as the both of you, except me.''

He speaks and it feels like my whole dream goes back into my mind... and even more. The shore. The sand. The sun. Everything. Every single thing. It's true; I reached the shore in my dream and I didn't have my gear. I can't say about wanting to see the ocean, but I feel like I can hear Eren's voice. I can feel it on my skin. It speaks of the ocean. It tells me everything he knows about it. His pretty eyes shine. His lips curl into a smile.

As he bathes with me. He blows the water and he says the wind can make waves on the water like that. He says it's like the sky. He says it's blue... and he says it's blue like my eyes sometimes, but I disagree. I tell him they're grey, but he says it can also seem grey. He describes with strong words like 'Free' and they reach something inside me. He says it doesn't freeze like our rivers in winter.... and he says it's so deep that it's probably pitch black down there. He smiles like a child and he tries to tell me tales about monsters living underwater. He's silly. He's cute. There's soap on his nose, but he doesn't even see it because he's too excited... too passionate and it's the kind of Eren I like... but that's another reason why…

''Why don't you suspect Eren to be the one to have died on that shore then? He loved the ocean. It would make sense for him to aim for it even as he was dying or... He lived after that, right?''

He was. I know he was alive. I know he was probably safe if Levi left him without his supervision.

''Y-Yeah... He lived.''

There's something about the word 'lived'. It's the way he says it. The way he says the whole answer to that question. Eren Jaeger lived beyond that point, but something happened. I just know it, but I also know Armin Arlet won't let me get that information out of him. That topic is done for now, but that's not the reason I came to him... On THAT topic, I am back to my first question and I ask him again:

''Are you sure Eren Jaeger didn't get reincarnated?''

The answer is loud and clear. No. Eren Jaeger isn't reincarnated... The boy I saw at the Baseball Match wasn't him, but... what if Armin Arlet simply didn't know Eren Jaeger was reincarnated? How can he possibly be 100% sure of it?

''The last time we met, you told me to not let them know.... I don't get what you meant by it.''

''You don't have to know...''

I do. I believe I do. I want to know. I want to know what's up... I know there's something.

''What about Eren Jaeger is so secret I have to protect him even after his death?''

''As I said, you don't have to know.'' He looks like such a nice and sweet guy, and he probably is, but he stands there looking at me; He's not telling me everything. He is protecting something. That's the feeling I get... protecting Eren Jaeger? From what do you protect someone who's long dead?

I didn't get anything from this meeting... except his phone number, which I'll probably never use.                                                                                                           

-           

 

I watch as Mikasa disappears into her room after giving me the phone. She did like she said; she told Petra. I didn't care and I still don't really care. I would have told Petra anyway. I always do whenever she calls. It starts with me, because it's my phone and I'm the one picking up. We exchange the usual 'How is it going?' before I pass the phone. She spoke to Mikasa. It's my turn now. Again. For the real thing.

''Hey... Let's get this over with already.'' I start the moment I bring the receiver to my ear and I hear her laughing softly at the other end... I bet she smiles.

''Not losing any time, are you?''

''I just want us to agree on it, because Mikasa has been sulking in her room ever since I told her that... well, she wasn't in a good mood after the Baseball Match either, but now it's worse.''

''Yeah, she told me you wanted to leave right after it started... What happened? Were you sick?''

Oh, the perfect excuse.

''Yeah... I didn't feel good.''

And that's kind of true; I felt horrible.

There's a pause after that and for an instant, I'm thinking Petra might be able to tell I'm not being completely honest with her, but she ends up speaking again and it's a relief. I couldn't tell Armin about being into Eren... There's no way I could possibly tell Petra.

''I think you made the right choice.'' she says, but I already knew that much... and I know she's not telling me that to praise me. Oh no. ''But I don't think we should try to control who she plays with until something actually happens... We can just make sure it doesn't happen.''

''Well, if she goes there... We won't be able to make sure nothing unwanted happens. I know Sasha. I know she's a good kid. Connie too, from what Erwin said, but I don't know Connie's friends. What I do know though is what Boys think about at this age!''

She knows what I meant. She put up with me all these years and she was hanging out with more boys than girls. Of course, she knows. Girls aren't that better really, I can tell you that. She laughs at that. I can hear Auruo asking her about what's so funny somewhere near her, because... Hell, I'm not funny at all.

''I was thinking of letting them come over. I don't mind. I'll take Mikasa this weekend and I'll let them come here instead. I'll be there and Auruo too.''

...but Mikasa should be staying here for the rest of the week until Monday.

It's not a bad plan, it's not. It sounds good. I could spend the whole weekend alone just how I like them. It's perfect, but then it comes to me and: ''I'll do it.''

''What?'' She asks it like she can't believe I said that... because I hate it when Mikasa's friends come over to my place. It's messy. It's annoying.

''I'll host this little teenager’s party bullshit here...''                                                                                                           

-           

 

The kid isn't here and I don't know how I feel about this. I kind of wanted to confirm the existence of Eren Jaeger in this world because I was pretty sure I saw him at that Baseball Match. I was pretty sure it was him... even though Armin Arlet denied his presence there. Now, I have four teenagers in my living room playing some stupid Wii games while I make some Tea to keep myself from going insane. 'Happy Kombucha' is a Tea that is suppose to make you 'Happy'... we'll see about that. At least, it smells incredibly good. There's pineapple. There's mango. Now, I just have to wait for it to infuse as I watch my daughter's guests.

Let me just tell you one thing, if Mikasa is into that stupid tall guy with a weird two toned hair cut, she has horrible taste. The kid seems to be eyeing me weirdly, but it could be because I am looking at him oddly for spending the majority of his time texting even when he's with his friends. He seems to be speaking of another boy often, but I'm not following the conversation enough to actually know... not that I really care. Connie plays the game more than anyone else while Mikasa and Sasha are sitting together. This whole thing, it makes me realize Mikasa looks like a little kid with all these grownups right next to her.

Now, I just have to hope they feel the same way too.

Everything always happens at the same time in life, or so it feels like; my tea is ready and I clean everything up before leaving to retreat into the 3rd room (which I made into an office kind of thing... more like a Library). There's the sound of Connie smashing the buttons. There's the sound of their friend texting with his phone ringing from time to time. There's sound of the porcelain when I put it back on the shelf after cleaning it. In all that, there's a strong 'Tock Tock Tock' at the door. I move toward the door to open it, but Mikasa dashes toward it in a hurry... it's like the guest of honor just arrived for her. Her own honored guest..., but I can tell you it's also mine when I hear this voice. Yeah. It's a perfect voice. It's a lovely voice. It's _his_. It doesn't have to be _him_. It's just that it sounds like _him_... I know it the moment he speaks.

''Hey, Hello.''

Oh my god, Levi (I mean, Rivaille... Whatever!) take a fucking breath in.

''No. I was fine. I found it easily.''

I put my mug back on the counter in case I drop it, because I feel like I'm shaking... It's the way he says the words. The way his 'No' flies out of his mouth as he exhales softly. It's just like him.

...Eren.

I hear them walking toward the living room. He gets in my line of sight as I get in his and the sentence he was saying cuts. Fuck the greetings. Fuck the usual 'Thank you for having me.' Green eyes open wide as they see me. I can see the way he swallows nervously. The way he stops right there in the middle of the room while he sees me there. I'm not Levi and maybe he sees Levi. Maybe he doesn't see the dark jeans and the black t-shirt. Maybe all he sees is Levi with his clean uniform. Maybe he doesn't see anything at all, but me. Hell, maybe he just thinks I look weird and that's why he stares at me so much. His mouth opens. Then it closes. He looks like a fish out of water and I just feel like shutting those lips with mine... but, that's not him, right?

It can't be.

It shouldn't be...

''Levi?'' He starts. His whole face lights up. He smiles and it makes me melt. I can't even look away from him to see what Mikasa is doing. I'm mesmerized, because he is just like him. His brown hair is messy. His eyes are that perfect green color. His cheeks are that caramel color because he's been outside under the sun that much and his voice finally said the word I've been craving for... our name. Levi's name. My name. It's not a huge difference from Rivaille... and it might have gone unnoticed, but not to me. It wouldn't go unnoticed... never.

''Levi! I...''

No. It's impossible. How can you know? How can you possibly know about him... about me?


	8. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,_  
>  Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,  
> Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,  
> Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.
> 
>  
> 
>  _It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,_  
>  I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,  
> No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,  
> I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.  
> The Walk by Imogen Heap
> 
> I don't have much to say about this chapter. I kind of like how it is right now! If things go as intended; we will be back to more Replayer soon because Levi will reach the end of his Vacations! I hope you like the chapter and enjoy the Ereri... Because it's finally here!!! =) I might continue to put some lyrics up in the future because I think it's nice. I have a lot of songs on my Itunes and sometimes I find fitting song and I'm just like : Awh, this is so perfect! And the lyrics for this one; Damn! So appropriate! I have more and more in store too! Anyway, Enjoy! 
> 
> Feel free to Fangirl/boy in your little comment... or bitch, who knows? xD
> 
> I'm off to play more Lightning Returns!!! ;)

''I missed...''

You? Yeah, I heard that even though I cut you off because I can't deal with the words flowing out of your mouth. I close the drawer in a smash to make as much sound as possible once I finally get the control over my body back. I could tell you that I missed you too, but I can't. I might be thinking I am Levi, but I'm not the Levi you want... Hell, I missed you too. I'd grab your hand right now. I'd take you along to the Library, but I wouldn't be able to reach the room before putting my hands on you... and yours on me, maybe. After all, you're very straight forward and I bet this Eren still is. I'd stop by the bedroom and I'd kiss the living shit out of you before claiming you again and again, because Levi missed you and he wants to.

Ok, maybe I do too... a lot.

''Y-Yeah, whatever.'' My voice isn't even. I hate the way I sigh this, but I have to be harsh. I can't let this be. I wanted him to be Mikasa's friend. I waited for him, but now... Now I don't know. ''I'm off. Have fun, kids.''

With that, I leave. I notice the way he looks at me like I just slapped him for an instant, but I know him better than that. He's not going to let me get away with this. I fear it. I want everyone to go the fuck home! Everyone... including him, but the other part of me wants them to leave so I can tear his clothes off his body. Not just to embrace him. Not just for sex. To take him all in like Levi did. I'd breathe him like a drug and I'd get high off Eren Jaeger... Higher than I already am.

I walk off. I'm self-conscious. I try to do it quick. I don't want him to stare at me the way he stared at Levi. I mean... I do, but I'm not Levi. I'm not this short little brute with large shoulders and all the muscles. I'll never be like him, not exactly. I probably don't have the nice ass he grabbed so many times when no one was looking. I mean, Erwin praised it... Sure, but Erwin doesn't know shit about Levi, right? Probably not, so he doesn't know. Eren might not praise it. I walk away fast. I know he looks. I know he follows me with his beautiful eyes into the room at the end of the hallway until I disappear into it; out of his sight.

Damn it! I forgot my Tea in the kitchen, but I'm too prideful to go back there after all that. I'll just read my book. Fuck the Tea...

''Why did you walk away from me?'' That voice again... Or, maybe I'll go get my Tea back.

Or not.

He stands there. He walks into the room and he doesn't care if this is my safe haven or not. He looks at me like he looked at Levi... He's not having any of my shit. He's after me. I already know that. I wouldn't expect anything else from him... and I don't manage to find an appropriate answer for him. I don't have one. I walked away because I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know how to behave around him. I didn't know if I could stop myself.

''It's been a while.'' He continues and he gets closer to me. He's close. Way too close. He puts my tea on the table right next to me and he smiles at me with one of his unique smiles. It's warm. I'm glad I found him... at the same time, I'm not.

It's been a while since the last time he brought Tea to Levi, _to me._ Yeah, this is like Déjà-vu.

''I don't know what you're talking about.'' I mean; I do, but at the same time... He's already invading my personal space the way Levi permitted him to... because Levi didn't mind after a while, but I am not exactly Levi. I'll never be the same. The world changed and Levi changed with it. I don't feel like we're on the same wavelength anymore.

''Are you Levi?''

''What if I am not, brat?''

Oh... Shit. That was Levi's nickname for him, right? It comes out so... naturally. It makes his smile go wider and wider again.

''Hey, Levi.'' His voice is soft and affectionate when he starts talking again. It turns me upside down. It makes me feel weird. It's here again... This name on his lips. It went through them a lot. He's not having any hesitation when he says it, unlike me. It's like Aero Chocolate going through his mouth and melting there before washing over me. Or am I actually chocolate and he's making me melt with his mouth? I don't know, but... Damn, he should clean me up with those lips and that tongue... Eh, I mean; Never mind. ''I missed that nickname.''

It's weird, but; Yeah, I missed saying it too... just like everything about you... just like Levi did _._

There's a pause where we look at each other just like that. The tension is palpable. I can feel him fight the urge to get any closer... to sit on the same chair as me. To straddle me. To kiss me. It's in me too.

''I'm not Levi.''

I state it calmly and it helps me in getting the control back when I see his face twist. Never mind that, I am not getting control over this situation. The smile is gone. He looks just like he did in the kitchen... It's like I slapped him again, but he's more aggressive this time... He leans toward me. He puts his hands on the armrest of my chair and he's so close, so fucking close again, when he says with all the intensity I remember from the Replayer and my dreams... like Thunder : ''...Liar.''

And then, just like that, it happens before I even get the chance to finish saying : ''Listen.''

The next thing I know: Eren Jaeger ravages me. It's not just about the way he presses forward and kisses me like he can't even hold it in anymore. It's rough, just like he always has been to Levi, but it's also incredibly passionate. It's so passionate. It's so desperate. It's just too much. Ravaging isn't just about the way his fingers runs in my hair before he pulls me closer and closer until I suffocate either. It's about the way he ravages my whole being with my heart included. It's about the way he shatters everything that is still rational in me for just a brief instant and actually makes me respond to that freaking kiss. It's about the way I feel sick under his touch. It's about the way he takes everything I give him without holding back. It's about the way he takes more than what I give him. It's about the way he squeezes me against the chair, puts his knee on the chair; getting on it... on me. It's about the way one of his knees pushes its way between mine... of course. It's about the way I'm cornered.

If Eren Jaeger is lightning, then I am a circuit waiting for lightning energy to run through me... I waited all this time and when it happens, I don't know what to do with myself beside kissing him back just as desperately and just as passionately... until reality kicks in.

''I told you to fucking listen!''

I'm breathless on my chair. That's it. I feel like he ate me up. He took everything I had to give. I'm lifeless and I just feel like crashing back to him to get it all back from him... Everything; lightning included.

I know better than that.

He stands back up recovering from the rough push I gave him to break the kiss... He doesn't seem to know what happened and he looks at me in such a way I wish I'd never see; I didn't mean to hurt him, but I did.

''Fine! I might be Levi somehow, _but_...'' I start while trying to make my voice even to not let him know how a simple kiss and light touch affected me... and I'm good now; I can hide it. ''This world isn't like the one you might remember, if you do remember it. If you haven't already noticed; things are very different in this world and if I am Levi, I am not the Levi you knew! Now, I don't care what you think about that, so get the fuck out!''

...because it's easier to breathe when you're not in front of me.

''I think you care...'' he starts and he is right, of course, but I stop him midway by standing up.

''I told you to get the fuck out already.''

''Why are you like that...'' he asks completely lost and I can see all the betrayal on his face when he says that. I've hurt him. I know I did and I try to make it seem like I don't care as much as possible, but I care so much. So much that it hurts when he walks away from me. He leaves the room as I told him too... because he probably didn't even know how to fight back in this state.

It doesn't make breathing any easier.

I don't even know how long I stay in the room alone without touching my tea... or even being able to read my book. I read the same page over and over again without understanding any of the words I read. It's like I just read a bunch of words not making any sense when they're put together. Each word seems to bring me somewhere else.

Breathing is easier now... and reading brings a sense of familiarity in this whole mess even if I’m not really reading the book I hold between my hands. My phone says 10:47; there isn't much time left before they go home... which is something to look forward to. I feel like a stranger in my own house. I want to be alone. I need to. I don't know what to think anymore. What the fuck am I doing? Why is Mikasa inviting her stupid friends to MY place? Why did I let it happen? I hate it. I fucking hate it. I had Sasha over this week... This is more than enough already. Do I really need to see Eren Jaeger? What did I want to prove? I knew it was him the moment I saw him and I should have known that this would turn out like this... or not. Did I actually expect Eren Jaeger to kiss me? Not really. I should have though. I know better than that. I saw him in the Replayer. I can't count how many times I saw him use every possible way to be alone with Levi and steal something off him. Hell, he was having a hard time stopping himself from touching Levi, of course he'd me all over me... or did I actually want him to do that?

Yeah, maybe I did.

In the end, I still turn him down each time he tries to come into this room with a shitty excuse. I mean, it started with excuses like: ''I don’t know where the Bathroom is...'' which doesn’t make sense considering he had to pass the open door of the bathroom on his way to this room. After a while, he didn’t try anymore. He tried to close the door behind his back without me noticing... which I did. He tried to come up behind me and his hands were on my shoulders before I actually noticed. It made my heart skip a beat, but I still forced him to leave. Each time, I ended up telling him that he was a kid somehow. You’re ten years too early for that. Do you even understand what you’re doing brat? That or I was telling him to back the fuck off because I wasn’t Levi. It started gentler than it ended, I can tell you that much. By the end of the evening, I was harsher than anything else and I was actually feeling good about being mean.

It was fooling me by making me think that all of it was true; I didn’t want anything to do with it and I was doing the right thing. I told myself that kind of bullshit each time he left the room and I actually believed it. I didn’t need Eren Jaeger in my life. After all, I didn’t need him until now.

Why is it that I feel so empty when he doesn’t come for me for more than 40 minutes, then?

-           

 

Around midnight; I find Mikasa sleeping in her bedroom. I find her friends gone... except one. Yeah, I find Eren Jaeger when I go out to smoke. He is sitting on the border of the parking lot and I recognize him before I walk up to him. I know just by looking at his back even with his cap on his head covering his messy hair... well, most of it. The hair curling out of it just makes him cute, but also teenager-ish. It makes me feel old and it makes me feel out of place when I look at him the way I do...

My eyes spot something between his lips... what seems like a cigarette, but isn’t. Not with this smell. This is... Marijuana? Are you serious now, Eren? Freaking kid.

''It doesn’t suit you.'' Is all I say when I get close enough and he turns to me with eyes wide open. He stands up and pulls it back into his pocket to hide it from me, but it’s too late for that. I guess it wasn't lighted up yet. ''What are you doing here, brat? Aren’t you going home?''

''I missed my bus?''

Why in the world does it sound like a question? Why can I see a little smile on his face? Is this a joke? At least, try to make me believe your shitty lie, Eren! I swear, he didn't miss the bus. I'm pretty sure of it... or am I just making it up in my brain because I actually want him to miss the bus on purpose just to... see me? No. How would he know I would go out for a smoke? He doesn't know me. I mean... Am I this predictable?

I can't possibly let him see that he got me, even if there's still a possibility that it is just me being too self-conscious. No way. I'll drop that subject for something else.

''...So you decided to smoke some weed near my place?''

''I didn't actually miss the bus.''

No. Fuck you, Levi. He doesn't want to talk about smoking weed. He wants to talk about how he missed this bus! He brings it up again, but... Hey:

''I know that much already.''

I notice a boyish smile on his lips when I say that. His eyes go down to the pavement for a second. He moves from one foot to the other before finally returning to his sitting position on the curb... and there's a small laugh slipping between his lips.

''Some things never change,'' he says without making eye contact... and it's not a bad thing since I can't resist these eyes. ''Here I am again; trying to make you pay attention to me.''

You don't even try to lie... You're too honest to do it. That's why I know that's exactly what he was aiming for when he missed the bus and stayed here. He wanted me to notice him. He wanted me to talk to him... because Eren Jaeger can't help it. It's out of his control. Even if he isn't the old Eren Jaeger; that's one of the things that will never change and I already know that.

It's the same for me, but...

''...Some things do change.''

The world changed. The conventions; it wouldn't be right for me to touch you. The fashion;  it makes you look different, but not in a bad way. The drugs; Eren Jaeger wouldn't smoke.... Hell, he didn't have time for sport. He wouldn't be playing baseball, but it's good that this Eren Jaeger does. It means that this world is better. This world can give him the things the previous one couldn't give him... but there's something I learned in this world; nothing is free.

What did you exchange for this? Did you exchange anything?

Did you exchange your chance to be my age... and be with me?

''... like you.'' His eyes lift to me when he speaks and I know the answer to that.

''Yeah.''

''...like the way you feel about me?''

How can he say that kind of thing without looking away? Without being embarrassed about it? I do not know the answer to this one however; ''Probably.'' ... _not._

It might be a little bit different now though, but the essence is the same.

He sighs when I say that... I can feel the disappointment everywhere from the way he sighs loudly to the way he throws his head back before standing up. It must be hard, but this isn't happening. It's impossible; If I ever thought I knew Eren Jaeger; I do not know this one. He turns away from me for an instant and I'm sure it's an attempt to hide it all from me... and he does it because he turns towards me again with a smile when he says:

''...Do you think I can stay over until the next bus?''

''Sure.''

-           

 

Awkward; that’s the only word I’d use to describe this whole situation. Eren stands there as I search for bed sheets and stuff like that. I stuff it into his arms and since the only one I have for a single mattress are the ones for Mikasa’s bed... Well, I hope he doesn’t mind the girly patterns and colors. It’s like he finds it funny or like he doesn’t actually believe that I am going to make him sleep in the library on a bench that is turning into a bed. Yeah, I am. The eyes that he lifts to me when he sees the big flowers on what I give him though and the smile, that fucking smile; it’s the reason why Eren Jaeger is this special... and he makes it incredibly awkward because I’m just there thinking he’s the cutest little shit I’ve ever seen and... Yeah, he’s going to be sleeping under the same roof as me and... Yeah, this probably isn’t a good idea.

I don’t trust myself.

This situation, when he follows me into the library, isn’t good. We’re alone. As in, very alone. Mikasa is sleeping and... Nah, don’t think about it.

He wears that stupid little smile and I swear; he knows. He probably thinks the same. Hell, he probably gives it a lot more thought than I do... because Eren Jaeger isn’t that innocent really. Or maybe it’s because Levi perverted him. In my dreams and the Replayer; Eren Jaeger was really into it, but very awkward about it at first; just like how he first decided to kiss Levi suddenly. He didn’t really think about it. He didn’t even know how he would kiss Levi. Hell, he probably didn’t even think about the kiss at first but, now... Now, he probably thinks about it; about how it would be easy to grab me by the hips as I make the bed and bring my ass toward his crotch... just like the Eren I dreamt about sometimes. Alright, I admit it; I think about it too and I make it awkward by trying not to give him any thoughts like that, but he probably does regardless of what I do.

Because it’s pretty clear to me that he is still all over me in this lifetime, if I dare to believe in Armin's idea.

''Thank you... I guess. '' He says when I finish setting up his bed and it’s not that he didn’t want to help; I didn’t want him to help because he probably wouldn’t do it right.

''No problem.''

''I promise I’ll leave right when I can grab the bus and... '' Pause. He doesn’t want to keep going. He doesn’t want to say this. ''And you won’t have to see me again. I won’t bother you and your family!''

He does it anyway. Nice, he gets it now and that’s good, but there’s more to it.

''Yeah.'' I’m not going to agree or deny it. I feel like it is breaking me apart already. I won’t have to see you again? But I just found you! Let’s be rational; it is better that way, but it doesn’t have to be this early I guess since: ‘’You don’t have to take the first bus, it’s fine. Mikasa is leaving early in the morning to go to the beach with her mom anyway...’’

He looks at me... or rather; his eyes fly to me and I’m just staring at him; Why in the world am I saying that exactly!?

''I mean... You won’t have to worry about her waking you up; she’s very quiet and she won’t even go in this room since she’s leaving right after her alarm will go off.''

Yeah. That! That’s why I said that and his eyes go back to the bed I set up for him. ''Oh. Okay, but... Levi. I still need a pillow.''

Oh. Right and I don’t have any spares do I? It doesn’t seem like a good idea to get one of the numerous pillows in Mikasa’s room, for various reasons, but I walk up to my room without giving it a second thought and I throw one of mine at him. Yeah. That’s probably not the best idea, but...

''Just use that one, I don’t need it, just don’t drool on it too much.''

Oh god; that little grin he does. It’s like he won something. He’s beaming.

''I’m not drooling in my sleep!''

I don’t know about now, but you used too that’s for sure. I saw the pillow in the dungeon being all wet in the morning way too often... It was gross. Levi was grossed out and I was too. It was enough for me not to forget about it. Ever.

''Good Night.''

''...Night.''

Is that some kind of deception I see as I leave him there? I’d rather not think about the way he holds the pillow against him tightly or the way he breathes in. Inhaling. I don’t want to see the nostalgia. I don’t want to think about how tomorrow is going to be the last time I see Eren Jaeger. Hell, right now might be the last if he leaves before I wake up... which he might considering I've hurt him and forced him into my way of thinking.

-           

 

Eren Jaeger doesn't bend. I shouldn't have forgotten about that. He is that incredibly wilful kid even if he doesn't have to kill any Titans here. It's part of his personality. How could I forget the monster that is Eren Jaeger?

I am surprised. It lasts only for a second though, but I am surprised when I feel something on the bed and when I feel something tugging at my covers. However, when I open my eyes and recognize Eren Jaeger in the shadows; I just sigh and tell myself that I should have known. I know him better than that. I know I do. At least, he didn't crawl into the bed... not yet at least. He's just sitting on the floor with his arms and his head on the edge of the mattress. He looks at me. That's all he does. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't invade my bed. He stays there quietly like he doesn't want to break the silence and just share this. This moment. This simple moment where we look at each other correctly for once and where I do not hide. Not now. Not yet. I don't know what time it is, but it's dark as ever... Hell, it's probably not even an hour since I went to bed.

''What's...'' I start sleepily, but he interrupts me.

''I don't want to go back.'' It's low. It's like a whisper, but I heard it and stopped myself for such a quiet little whisper, but maybe, just maybe, it was worth it... Just to see Eren's soft side a little when he talks again and manages to make me melt like the stupid chocolate metaphor I made before… ''I don't want to return to my life before... before finally being reunited with you. I don't want to act like it never happened. I don't want to forget about this encounter or about everything I remember from the past.''

I sigh... or is it a yawn? Maybe both. Then I roll on my back to stare at the ceiling because staring at him is too heavy. The truth is; I don't really want it either. I can't possibly go back to work in a few days like I never found this Eren Jaeger to begin with. I can't just forget about it. I want to know. I want to know everything. I want to go through everything in the Replayer. Everything. I want to know how I died. Did I really die on that shore? Or was it Eren? Why do I even feel like it was Eren? I want to know how he died... What he lived through.

Maybe I want to be with him too...

''We can keep in touch, I guess.'' Oh well, I guess I am going to submit to him.

After that, the silence lasts for a while. It's like he's slowly recording my words. It's like he's seeing how he can use that... make it work his way. Because if Eren Jaeger doesn't bend to anything; He will make everything bend to him.

''Can I come into your bed?''

Wait... what? How did he reach that point? How did we get there?!

''Hey, do you even know what you're asking right now... You're seventeen for fuck's sake not five.''

''I know. I wouldn't be asking that if I was five. If I was five, it wouldn't be the same...''

''Maybe it would have been better that way.'' I just state it. Yeah. Maybe. It wouldn't have been weird. This Eren isn't asking me to protect him from the monsters under his bed or the wolf in the closet... It's a lot more complicated.

''I won't kiss you like I did again or touch you... I just want to be close.'' Why is it that you're so gentle sometimes and then so aggressive? Why is it that you sound so desperate and broken? Why are you so fucking emotional? How can you do emotions like that and swallow me whole with it whatever it is.

How can I submit to you like this!?

''...Fine.''

He crawls into the bed and drops on his stomach. He breathes in with his face to the pillow. He doesn't try to touch me. He doesn't try to get any closer. Hell, he doesn't try anything. He's just there and it feels like I'm bare in front of him when he turns his head toward me. It's like I've let him in too much. Why is this so intimate when it's nothing more than laying in bed together? Why...

''That pillow smelled more like fabric softener than you... it was shit. This! This is the real shit.''

I don't even have to look at him to know that he's grinning.

''Shut the fuck up. By the way, you're not sleeping here so you better not fall asleep.''

''I won't.''

I do not trust you... Your voice is so sleepy, right now. It's irresistible, sure, but also a bad sign considering I don't want Mikasa to ever enter this room in the morning and see this. Not at all. Even if it's nothing, because it is nothing... right?

Either way, I need to do something. I need to speak and keep him awake, but he beats me to it.

''You know... I don't mind if you're different. I am too.'' Pause. Yeah, I know you are different. You can't possibly be the exact same person in this world too. It's impossible. You have to blend in. You have to adapt. Maybe he is unable to bend, but he is able to adapt. He is a hunter. He is THE hunter. Hunters need to adapt to hunt, don't they? ''I just have to make you fall for me again.''

So that's how he's going to use the 'Keep in touch' thing I said? The determination; it's overwhelming even if I can't see him clearly in the dark. I do not need to see him to know exactly how he looks... and somehow, this challenge doesn't surprise me. If anything; it is kind of scary because I think I already am doing that on my own all over again.

I don't think being Eren Jaeger's prey is going to help me fight it.


	9. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I can't wait...to be with you.  
>  No, I just can't sit still....are we there, yet?  
> Takes me back...I remember.  
> Such a magical place...  
> It was all you_  
> CLOSING IN by Imogen Heap
> 
> I didn't know if I wanted to let everyone in Eren's Universe yet because it's going to bring some answers and also bring to light more questions... and I didn't know if I was ready for it yet. If I wanted to let go of a little part of the mystery to you!... but I will. This is the first chapter with Eren as the narrator and I hope it explains a little bit more about who is Eren; his life, his friends; his family, his past... but I'm not letting you know everything about it all yet! =) I kind of wanted to go back to Levi's work and the Replayer this chapter, but since I ended up writing this 'Eren Chapter' It'll be delayed and Levi will go back to work in the next chapter! I really enjoy writing the Replayer even though it actually is harder to write than the 'Modern' part so I'm looking forward to it!
> 
> I know this Fic isn't as good or as popular as some, but I'm very happy with all the Hits, The Kudos and the Bookmark this Fic gets from you! It is very nice of you all! Thank you! =)
> 
> On another note; Please Enjoy and don't hate Levi too much for 'Cock Blocking' his own self like my precious proofreader said! I was a little bit tipsy and very tired when I saw that comment... and I ended up laughing pretty bad to that. Considering I was alone in the middle of the night, I also felt quite silly, but... Yeah, he is a Cock Block! It was the best word to resume it all! ahah ;) So... ENJOY THE COCKBLOCK!

''I don't know what to do anymore!'' I am not panicking into the phone. I am not holding it tightly as if my life depends on it and I am definitely not being aggressive or loud... Yeah, I'm totally panicking.

''It'll be fine...''

''Easy for you to say!''

''Calm down! It's barely been 4 hours since you first saw him. What did you expect? Marriage!?''

''N-No..., but I didn't expect him to be rude to me!''

''Just give it some time.''

''No. I don't have any... It's now or never!''

I've never been very patient... or very good at dealing with my feelings. Hell, I don't like to deal with them so when I hang up; I go for the weed in my pocket to put myself at ease and, of course, to tell myself I can still fix this. I need to think I can. If I do anything; it has to be now... before he can erase me from his life.

-           

 

I am Eren Jaeger. I know that much. Who is Eren Jaeger? That; I don't know... because this Eren Jaeger is nothing. This Eren Jaeger is broken... He is whatever I think I should be. When I came to; I was left with pieces of what I should be. I couldn't remember what happened to me or how I got there. Whatever they did, it wouldn't come back. I couldn't remember who did this to me or why... Hell, I couldn't even remember what they did to me! I could just tell the tales of another world like it was my own, because it felt like it was my life and everyone told me that it couldn't possibly be the case... to drop it because I wasn't a kid anymore. No. I was just a boy left for dead somewhere along the TransCanada Highway with barely any clothes on and a body in a pretty desolated state. They said I had been victim of violence... and was probably sexually assaulted too. I didn't know. How could I know? The only thing I had; the memories of a boy killing Titans... and I had Levi.

My life was a blank page.

Jean said I was just weird. My foster parents thought I needed a therapist... and my therapist; he thought I was forgetting whatever happened to me in order to protect myself. He thought I was making up false memories to build myself up again and to distract myself from the truth.

No... No, I didn’t want it to be a lie and, maybe, clinging to Levi like that wasn’t good for me, but I loved Levi.

I didn't know Levi. Hell, I was probably imagining Levi, but I thought I loved him... People didn't bother with the truth. They believed their own belief was the truth because it was easier that way, so... Yeah, Levi wasn't true to anyone, but me. To Jean; he was a dream. To my therapist; he was just a psychological phenomenon. Even to me, because I wasn’t without fail, sometimes I thought Levi might really not exist and all this was in my imagination. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I was building Levi from scratch as a symbol because I desperately needed something to keep me alive. Maybe I have been abused. Maybe I didn’t want to remember. Maybe it was easier to love someone that didn’t even exist. Maybe I just needed to love something... to feel like I had something left for me somewhere... to cling onto. Maybe I was completely wasted, again, and unable to see the difference between fiction and reality. Maybe Jean was right and I was just weird..., but the truth is; I kind of wanted to believe in his existence. I was wasted because the pain was too much, that's all.

I mean, he had to be real. I couldn't explain why, but it felt like I was remembering Levi like a souvenir.

It wasn't clear, but I just remembered it and that's all I cared about. I knew that was 'remembering' without being able to compare it to any other memory because I had nothing else. It was distant, yes, but I could remember little things here and there. I could dream of him... and now, finally, I knew for sure.

''I've seen him. He's real.'' I said and the only thing my therapist said was: ''How did you know?''

I just knew. He probably didn’t care. He probably thought I had a crush on someone... and that it was good for me. It was good that I had found someone to put into the place of the 'symbol'... I guess, but no.

It really is Levi sleeping right there next to me. It's his scent all over me... Everywhere; In the air, in the bed, on the pillow and, of course, on him. I remember. I know this is what they call : remembering. It is undeniably Levi. If I had any doubts when I first saw him at the Baseball Match, I don't hold any now. I didn't expect anything when I came here. I just wanted to confirm it and I got what I wanted. I wasn't crazy. Fuck my therapist. Yeah. This wasn't some psychological bullshit I made up. It wasn't just me. I knew it from the way he looked at me... The way he reacted to me. The way that kiss couldn't be helped. It just came in me naturally... to him too. It was like Déjà-vu. I could remember Eren kissing Levi in some dark room with a sleeping beauty for the only witness as I was pushing my lips against his. Yeah. It was the only thing I could do in this situation... and I just wanted to kiss him.

I would totally kiss the living shit out of him right now too, but I promised. I promise not to.

It is obvious; he knows me.... or, at least, he knows something. Just like it's also obvious, to me at least, that I love him. Yeah. I love him badly. It's so bad that I can't breathe. I find myself unable to sleep and just lay on my stomach with my face buried in the pillow without taking my eyes off his shape in the dark. I want to touch him. What is he like? I want to move forward and spoon him... because the way he sleeps is like perfect for me to just crawl behind him. Why did he have a daughter? I want to run my fingers through his silky hair. Didn't he wait for me? I want to kiss him. I wanted him to wait for me. Yeah, I'd totally kiss him. I think I remember him saying that he would wait for me. And I'd do it again and again. I want him to love me already. I'd probably never get enough. Ah, I can still feel his thin lips on mine from just a few hours ago... or is it because I keep thinking about it?

I feel like I waited for this moment all my life; the moment where it would start all over again...

And I do have to start all over again... Hey, Levi, how do I make you fall in love with me? I don't even know how I managed to do that the first time. I feel like I just pushed myself on you... and you went with it. What in the world did I do to make you say all the lovely stuff I could hear at night? ... Or all the stuff you did to me in my dreams. I want to go back.

... or, at least, tell me I can make it happen again. Please?

No. As you probably can tell, Levi doesn’t tell me shit. He sleeps the night away while I can’t. Each breath he takes is slow and steady while I hold mine... and try to make it sound normal. My heart is beating loud in my chest while my eyes follow the curves of his body. Up with his shoulder... and _do-wn_... and then up again with his hip. When he moves, it actually startles me and without really thinking about it; I find myself faking sleep like I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing and I fight the urge to open my eyes. I feel him move. I hear him whine when he stretches and I find myself imagining him doing it; curving and arcing... just like a cat. A black cat. Definitely.

He leaves the room and that’s when I take a breath in, finally. That’s also when I notice the noise in the kitchen and, of course, I remember his daughter; Mikasa.

''I’m sorry... ''

''It’s ok. I wasn’t sleeping.''

You weren’t? Ah. My heart. Just. My heart. It flips. It arches. I probably shouldn’t overreact like that, but I do anyway. I smile and I hide my face into the pillow... I can't help it and my heart is pounding.

-           

 

''I missed my bus'' is also the excuse I use with my family upon entering the house. There is no reason for them not to believe me. I might not be the best kid, but I'm not a liar. I usually give it to them straight whether they like it or not, but I don't think it would be a good idea right now. Not if I want to keep Levi in my life the way I want him. Let's be honest, this Levi is a lot older than me again and I don't think my family is going to approve of it just like that : 'I went to sleep at some guy's place. He's a lot older than me, by the way.' Yeah. That wouldn't be very wise.

It's not just about me, it's about Levi too.

Of course, they swallow my lie whole and it leads to the question of : ''Where did you spend the night?'' to which I answer with : ''They let me crash on their couch for the night.'' That being said, I still retreat fairly quickly by going down the basement; into my room. It's not like I'm a good liar... and there's one person in this house I can't fool with that: Jean.

It's like he was waiting for me. He sits in front of the computer while Marco reads a comic book on the bed. Whatever conversation they had at the moment instantly dies when I enter our bedroom. I get a small ''Hello'' from Marco and a smile. From Jean, I get nothing. He swings the chair around to face me and he launches at me:

''You totally missed the bus on purpose.''

''Please don't tell me you just came to this conclusion. Did you actually find out by yourself or did you have Marco help you?''

That's the kind of comment that would usually make things escalate rather quickly and lead to the usual yelling of names and insults. Jean never fails to hit on my nerves, and me on his, but the conversation takes another path. Marco saves the day with one simple question: ''How did it go, Eren?''

I find myself dropping unto my bed to stare at the white ceiling for an instant as I gather my thoughts and remember it all... from the moment I saw him in the kitchen to the moment he saw me off this morning after I gave up on sleeping in his bed even without him being there. No this wasn't happening, but at least I went there. It was 10 times better than sleeping in the library. Hell, I even got a hint of hope, so... It was better than how it started.

''Good, I guess. Not as good as I wanted, but better than what I feared might happen in the worst case scenario.'' I laugh a little, because I recall how I imagined that it would go versus how it went. Yeah, it was impossible. It wouldn't even make sense for Levi to be on me the moment he sees me without caring about anyone else. It was never like that with him. He always cared so much he actually wanted us to hide. That was just me getting ahead of myself.

And then... Jean starts, because I made the mistake of telling him everything somewhere along the line and it is now a running gag to him:

''Got yourself a sugar daddy?''

''Did you get laid, at least?''

''Wait! Is he even gay?''

''I mean, he has a daughter... Must have banged girls and not boys.''

''What about the mother?''

''Is it an ex?... or not. It might be his wife!''

''At least, I'll give him credit for making beautiful babies like his daughter, but... You won't have any.''

To me, it was the accumulation of everything Jean said and the idea of Levi wanting to have babies; something I couldn't do... That and the simple idea of Levi being willing to make babies with anyone, because I sure know how they do it! To Marco, it was the mention of Mikasa and the comment about her being beautiful. At that, I find myself suppressing the overwhelming urge to put my fist right into his 'Horseface'... At that, Marco leaves and that kills the whole conversation. For me. For Jean. For different reasons. Jean looks at me and then at the door Marco just went through before finally understand that he's being an asshole and need to fix it if he wants to keep Marco as his 'dear' friend.

R-Right, because I'm not really sure what is the relationship between Marco and my brother, but Jean goes after him in the end.

-           

 

''Are you gay?''

''...Why did I let you in, again?'' he asks without even lifting his head from his book. It feels like a rhetorical question where he doesn't expect an answer... or even know who he's asking this question to. Me? Himself? I don't know.

The door is wide open for me to say it... Do I dare? ''You couldn't possibly refuse it to a _cutie_ like me!''

Whoa, did I just see your eyes lift to me for the first time since you let me into your apartment and settled down into your library like I wasn't even there to begin with?

''Ah, that's right.''

Ok. Maybe it's just me... that is said with such disinterest it's actually hard to accept.

After that, there's nothing. I wait for an answer that doesn't come concerning the question I asked and he's back to his book... Scribbling stuff in the border and putting post-its on pages. I could be interested in what he does. I am, kinda, but there's more important stuff on my mind than whatever he's working on. I mean, there's so much I need to know about him... The book is surely part of it because I've seen him with it more than once, of course, but it's not my priority right now. My priority is ignored by Levi.

Levi; gorgeous even when I catch him by surprise in the middle of a weekday in some baggy jogging pants with a loose t-shirt, and I dream one day it'll be one of mine. Well, maybe it'll happen someday... I hope. He said I could at least announce my visit beforehand, but I told him he'd probably find an excuse. He looked like he had put pants on in a hurry before answering the door judging from the shirt stuck in there and the way he was still trying to pull it out before tying the pants around his waist when he opened the door. He said we could 'Keep in touch' anyway... Friends don't always announce themselves, do they? I mean, assuming we're friends. I didn't mind if he wasn't in a good mood right away. I was in a good mood for two; I got to imagine Levi wearing my shirt without these joggings... No, just boxers. Yeah, that'd be great.

...but let's not wander there for now!

''Are you gay?'' I repeat.

''Yes, I am. What about it?'' He sighs and lift his eyes from his book to look at me... truly this time too. Right into my eyes.

Are you expecting something? A reaction? I don't have one. I expected that one. I mean, we kissed and you kissed me back. You've let me sleep in your bed. You remember Levi, even though you claim that you're not Levi... yet, you let me call you Levi. I don't know. I don't feel like Connie would do that, for example. I'm just happy to confirm it because it makes you suddenly even more attainable for me... but the eyes go back to somewhere else than me. Anywhere, but me.

''Just wondering... Why do you have a daughter if you're gay?''

''I didn't know being gay made you unable to have kids... ''

Damn it! I'm not that stupid!... ''That's not what I...''

''I didn't know. I just didn't even consider it.... so, I was dating a girl, we had a little baby and it just happened.''

''...Oh. How old were you when you had her?''

''Like sixteen? No. Seventeen.''

That. That probably shouldn't make me feel like that...; Small. Like I am just a little kid. When he was seventeen years, where was I? I don't know. I was probably just a little kid... maybe I was still with my birthmother at the time. I don't know. And Levi? He was fucking some girl. He was having a baby. He was already becoming an adult.

I wanted to turn this conversation into one where I'd make some silly comment about him being single, if he was, because I'd ask him first. You know, to tell him I was single too; 1+1=2 as in You + Me!

This conversation actually doesn't turn out the way I expected it to turn. I'm left guessing and hoping that he is single. I'm left with nothing. If anything, this conversation leaves a bitter taste on my tongue.

''Eleven years ago; You were like what... 5? 6?''

I don't know. I just don't know... because, my life, past the event of 2 years ago, is a blank. I don't even want to think about it. It makes the whole difference between us even wider.

 

-           

 

That night, I do not stay for the night... That night, I get wasted beyond saying until I don't care... about Levi and about myself. It works. Almost. No. Actually. It doesn't work at all. It starts outside. It continues at McDonalds with a bunch of burgers on our plate. It ends with a stomach full in our room. I mean, for them it doesn't end, but for me it does. When I hear a rustle in the bunk under mine, whispers and, finally, a whine I'd rather not describe from Marco's mouth... and I'm not sure I feel like taking a glance to confirm what they're doing. When the conversation gets pretty one sided. When Marco stops trying to talk. When Jean keeps telling me stuff like ''Get into his pants'' to everything I said... as if this can actually help me. As if this would make Levi pay attention to me the way I want him too. As if this would make him care. As if this would confirm anything. As if this would let me into his life as something else than a nuisance, but... Then, Jean says that : ''He definitely won't ignore you if you get into his pants, I'll tell you that.''

And I should probably be wiser, but I'm not... Not in this state.

So, of course, when I knock at Levi's door after taking the last bus to the South Shore of Montreal and walking the rest of the way there... when he opens the door past midnight, he looks at me with that look. It screams : Are you fucking kidding? What are you doing here, brat? He doesn't even open the door wide. He opens it just a crack, just enough to see me on the other side. For a second, when I see his face still barely awake, I actually think that I'm too wasted to be here. This isn't a good idea. I shouldn't listen to Jean. Hell, I shouldn't have heard Jean making out with Marco... and worse. I shouldn't have known. I shouldn't have paid attention, like I usually do. It really isn't a good idea with all of this in mind..., but then he opens the door to let me in and reveals himself.

''What are you doing here at this hour, brat?''

He still wears the oversized t-shirt, but I do not think about wanting it to be mine this time. No. I just think about the way it covers his boxers or the way I see his legs... bare. Hell, I actually thought that he wasn't wearing anything else at first, but I saw them when he moved... Oh well, it doesn't matter!

He walks bare foot and makes space for me to enter the place... I'm more than happy to get the permission and I don't know why I keep staring at his feet and his legs; but I do. Shoes removed, I'm into the apartment. He walks in front of me. He walks away. Well, he tries to, but I stop him before he makes it into the living room.

''You can't just barge in here whenever you...'' he starts, but then he stops talking when I grab him by the hips to turn him. My hands travel just a little bit more to grab his ass and bring his hips to mine roughly. Yeah. That and the fact that it seems to go by instinct when my lips reach for his... or is it because my hands leave his ass to push on his chest to press him against the wall and there isn't any way to avoid that kiss?

No. He showed me he could still stand his ground when he pushed me to the ground the last time we kissed too.

I hear his gasp when I catch him unguarded and for just an instant, I actually think I need to stop, but he's there shivering and kissing back. He's there opening his mouth for me and letting me lead just for an awkward instant where I'm overwhelmed with the old kisses in the new one. The one I want to give versus the one I already gave him in the past and, suddenly, the feeling that Levi is going to slip away from me... No. I actually remember Levi slipping away from me that exact instant. I remember being alone. I remember missing him. I remember waiting. I remember wanting him to stay with me and I find myself rushing ahead in a way to fulfill the feelings creeping in my stomach.

The urge to have this Levi with me... for me.

Ok, I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I do it anyway... I know this is going too fast. I enter the apartment and I'm on him the moment he opens the door. I know. I also know that I told him I wouldn't do it again, but... Failed. I also know that I start kissing him and then, I lose it. I know I shouldn't put my hands under his shirt. I know I shouldn't try to push his boxers down on his hips. I know I shouldn't try anything. I probably shouldn't feel like I want to eat him whole right now... but I do. I put my hand under his shirt on his hips and I push his boxers down slightly on his hips. I touch the hipbone. I love it. Then I palm the front of his boxers and that's it... I don't even get to feel it.

I went too far. All I know is that I get one strong kick into me to push me against the other wall of the hallway. It knocks the air out. It brings me awake suddenly... or rather, more awake than I was and I get it; Levi is mad.

''Shit... That hurts!''

''You got what you deserved.''

''I just.. I just wanted to...'' I didn't mean to hesitate... but I don't even know what to say. ''Kiss.''

''Right. You wanted to kiss me on my lips or... somewhere else? Because that definitely wasn't my mouth I can tell you that much, _kid_. Or were you just trying to confirm whether I was a guy or not by groping me?''

The words hang in the air between us. I don't have an answer to that. I'll never have one. Of course, I wasn't trying to confirm his sex, he's mocking me with that, but the part before that; I can't say. I did feel like I wanted to eat him... as in... Figuratively. Sexually. Figuratively. Yeah. Both.

''So much for promising me you wouldn't try anything.''

I... Shit. I know, but I didn't know you cared. I didn't know you actually cared about what I said I would do. I didn't know you'd sound this dejected by my comportment. I didn't know I'd fuck up this bad. I need to fix it... Can I even fix it? It feels like my list of things to fix is getting longer and longer each time we meet.

It feels like I can't control my temper around you, so... I lose it again and I start to talk back:

''Just give me the O.K. already! I want to have sex with you!''

Ok. That was... direct, but I think I tried enough at being discreet already! Fuck that!

''Come at me wasted and ask me to have sex with you, it seems like a good plan, right?'' Pause... I don't have a comeback for that, Levi. ''That's why you're still a kid! And that's why it's not going to happen!''

He turns around. He walks away. I'm surprised he doesn't kick me out, but it's pretty late so he probably thinks it wouldn't be good for me either. He walks fast enough for me to understand and to remember the old Levi's way to walk when he's upset: fast paced with small footsteps. Totally like that. He walks toward his room and when I try to follow him in, he stands his ground in the middle of the doorway. His whole stance tells me : No... and I understand; I'll sleep in the library. He doesn't trust me anymore. However, one thing still remains. One thing still bugs me.

''You've let me kiss you... You kissed me back!''

Silence. Awkward silence. Oh. Did I make a point here? His grey eyes open a little bit wider at my words, but then he turns his eyes away from me. ''Shut up... You better not bother me tonight like a little _kid_ again, _kid_.''

That's it. My place; I'm just a little kid. He puts it into my face before closing the door in a smash and that's the end of it. He didn't ignore me when I tried to get into his pants, but I can't say it was a good way of 'not ignoring me'.

 

-           

 

I cry. I cry into the phone like a fucking baby calling the only phone number on my whole cell phone who knows about Levi and myself... and doesn't take me for a fool. Like the other night, he picks up. Like the other night, he sounds tired, but he says he's fine and he listens and I tell him everything. Like the other night, he tries to calm me down... but then I start crying again whenever I see all of Levi's stuff all around me. His books. His works. It's not just about Levi. I want this Levi to be the Levi.

_My Levi._

I fucked up. Again. I totally did. I couldn't wait... and when I manage to say : ''It hurts!... I want Levi back!'' while I am a crying mess...

All he says is : ''Maybe you'd be happier on your own... or just find someone else!'' there's only one thing to answer to that...

''You don't understand what it feels like, Armin! I don't want anyone else! It has to be him!''

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, How did you like the Cock Blocking? ;)


	10. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is no April 1st Joke! See, it's the 2nd already! ;)
> 
> This is it; Levi is going back to work and we will soon get into my own 'Canon-Era' that is going to lead to the present-era and, soon, to the Future-era. Yup Yup! I'll be starting to enter the 'Answers' part of the story... I'm sorry the relationship between Levi and Eren is going to keep going forward at a slow 'back and forth' pace for a while. Don't worry, Eren isn't going to let Levi decide how this goes! ;)
> 
> I am sorry for the long wait between the previous chapter and this one. My gaming habbit got out of hand and I played Diablo 3; Reaper of Souls a little bit more than I would have liked too... Speaking of which, if anyone wants to play Diablo; I run a lot of Rift up up to Torment 4 (with a Tank, cuz I'm a super squishy wizard) Just hit me up, I'll give you my BattleTag. I also play World of Warcraft where I play a Priest and a little bit of Hearthstone (where I run Priest as well)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
>  _And I know I should have held you closer,_  
>  and I know I should have treated you better,  
> in a perfect world,  
> but we're not always what we promised to be.  
> You caught my words in mid-air,  
> The silence hung as you caught my eye,  
> conversations locked away in my mind.  
> WONDER

O.K. I had a shitty night. Eren kept me awake for most of the night. I am going back to work tomorrow. I also had a pretty awful two weeks of vacation because the moment Mikasa left the apartment, Eren came into it and wouldn't leave. Or he would, but he'd come back. I should have locked the door. I shouldn't have let him see the code to enter the building in the first place. That was a mistake. No. My bad. All of it was a fucking mistake... and it's totally the brat's fault. O.K. it probably is a little bit of my fault too and I probably shouldn't be on the offensive this early in the morning, but I am anyway and my voice spills the words like poison through the receiver when he picks up and greets me sleepily. He picks up so fast, I'm not even sure it rang for more than a second. For the first time since Eren Jaeger came into my life, Armin Arlet answers his damn phone. I couldn't care less if he messed up and didn't check who is was before answering the call.. which he probably did because he doesn't greet me normally:

''Just go to bed already, E...''

I don't care whatever you are mumbling about. I'm not having any of it. ''You better have a good goddamned explanation, Armin Arlet!... or really be innocent.''

''O-oh... Levi.''

Damn right, it's me. I don't care if it's not even eight in the morning yet. I've been awake for too long trying to ignore the sounds coming out of the library. I couldn't deal with it. I went to smoke like ten times! I cleaned the whole apartment... except the library. I did some laundry and, now, I am in the bathroom folding the clothes to distract myself from him... and failing, of course.

''Care to explain why Eren Jaeger is in my place?!'' I add a pair of socks to Mikasa's neatly folded pile of clothing, but... Hey. Wait. This isn't hers. It's too big for her and it's not mine, so... ''What the... Wait! I'm even doing his laundry! What was it about Eren Jaeger being dead? I can tell you that he is very alive right now!''

''I... It's not like I couldn't have been wrong about him. How would I know? I just didn't know, that's all. I couldn't possibly know he was alive... ''

So, why do I feel like there's something fishy about it? Where did the confidence go? He seemed so confident when he told me that Eren Jaeger wasn't reborn again... and now, it's gone. He's saying what sounds like excuses to something I don't understand. Maybe, I don't want to understand either.

''Aren't you happy to learn about him? Your friend, your precious friend that you're willing to protect through death, is alive... _I found him_! or rather; He found me, but whatever. I thought you'd be happy and all excited to see him or something...''

''I am. I am happy.'' I don't know if it's because the timing is bad. Or because he's not in a good mood in the morning. Or because he's very tired. He doesn't sound happy. He doesn't sound good at all. He sounds tired. No. Exhausted.

I realize that I do not know Armin Arlet at all. I do not know _this_ Armin Arlet.

''What about you?'' he asks and I find myself unable to answer... I distract myself with folding the clothes without answering until he repeats the question and calls my name. I spill the excuses about a distraction and: I'm sorry. What did you say? That kind of bullshit. I hope he drops the subject and ask something else. Anything.

He repeats the question.

''What about you?''

''...It's complicated.'' It really is... too complicated.

''It’s still Eren.''

''It is.'' And that’s why I find myself in front of the door of the library with a pile of clothes that aren’t mine as a pretext to come into the room. It is still Eren and I can’t ignore him. I never will be able to. He’s under my skin. He's in my head. He's everywhere. I turn the handle telling myself I probably shouldn’t enter. I should just let him be. He'll leave and it'll be like a bad dream. I push the door open telling myselfthat, but it goes to hell the moment I see him curled up in a little ball on the bed. Like a fetus. Like a child.

I want to go. I want to bring him against my chest. Tightly. No more crying. No more yelling.

Silently, I walk in. Silently, I leave the door open just a crack for a hint of light. Silently, I drop the clothes somewhere along the way. And then, finally, and still silently, I walk my way to the side of the bed. I admit that I almost turn back at this point. I tell myself that he didn’t notice me yet. I can still turn back, but no. His eyes flutter and his gaze turns to me just for an instant, but he refuses to turn his head to look at me completely...

''Can I...''

I start awkwardly, because trying to make up isn't something I do, but I hear a small: ''Yeah.'' and I see a little nod of his head before lowering it and hiding it under the covers.

Then, it's silent in the room. There's the creaking sounds from the old fortune bed I made for him and some rustling of fabric as I sit behind him, that's all. For an instant, it's just like that. He lays in the dark with his back against my leg. He obstinately keeps his eyes straight in front of him... while mine wander between the walls covered in books and him. Always returning to him.

''I'm sorry.'' He says and I tell him: ''I'm sorry too.''

Then, just like that, the silence is back into the room for a little while. And then, just like that, I find my hand playing with his fluffy hair like it’s the most normal thing to do... for an instant; I see walls of stone all around us. I see a cheap bed and a book in my other hand to read in the candle light. I see a boy I love right next to me... and I hear the same boy chuckle to lead me back to my reality. A boy I know.

''It reminds me of the old times.'' He says shyly and I can’t help but agree. I’m just not telling him. He doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to know that it feels so damn right to do something simple like that... like I missed it or like my hand actually belongs there.

It’s been something I have done for the longest time; I played with everyone’s hair. It never quite felt like the real thing. Mikasa liked it at first, but then described it as annoying when she got older. Petra always thought it was sweet, but she didn’t really find anything in it. With Erwin, it never really happened. It wasn’t that kind of relationship anyway. To me, the motion was like a habit. A soothing one. Erwin wasn't the person for that, but... Now, with Eren, it's... As it should be.

In that past, our past, the past I saw for an instant; it was soothing for Eren too.

''We really need to talk... just... talk...''

I know we talked. We talked a little..., but we didn’t really talk. We shared some things, but we shared almost as many touches and kisses as words. That says a lot by itself, right? I know his kisses more than I know him.

''...About what?''

''Eren.''

I tell him just like that. I finally manage to say his name like it’s nothing... finally. However, it doesn’t seem like he likes it. He turns around in the bed to face me and I can feel his hot breath on my thigh for an instant, but it goes away as he uses the covers to hide his face. It’s as if he’s a little bit shy when he asks me: ''Which one?''

The answer is simple... in my opinion; he didn’t even need to ask me and my hand still plays with his soft hair like he didn’t even move or hide under the covers. Seeking protection. It doesn’t matter. I still find him under the covers and pull them away from his (annoying as fuck, but) pretty face.

''Both.''

I can see his head turn and I can feel his eyes on me even though I can’t see shit in the dark.

''I wanna know about you too... _This_ you.''

''Let's talk about that too sometime.''

He nods and somehow, he makes a weird gesture... like he tries to wrap his hands around me, but changes his mind midway and here I am thinking I wouldn’t mind. What the fuck am I doing then? Why did I turn him down last night then? Hell. How would I know!

I just know I grab his hand and bring it where it wanted to go... around my waist. He smiles like a little kid just given candies. Am I a freaking candy to Eren Jaeger, then? Not that it’s a bad thing to think of, really. He hides his stupid little smile away from my sight and starts giggling like a fool. ''I have to pee... so bad...''

''Go ahead already, you little shit!''

''No... I don’t want to move from my spot! Plus, if I do; you’ll move... and you’ll leave.''

Silly!..., but that's something I'd do, yeah.

-           

 

''I feel like it was _me_...'' He starts as he enters the kitchen. My eyes are brought to him waiting for an ending to that sentence. An explanation. Something. He insists on the word: _me_ , and I stare at him. I insist on the remaining words. I wish I hadn't turned my head around to look at him this instant... and yet, I'm glad I did. He leans against the counter... just out of the shower. On the counter. I love it. Wet hair drips slightly on his clothes. I love it. Strands curl as they dry slowly. I love it. It drips on the floor, the counter and, more importantly, his skin. And I fucking love it. Just like the way he looks at me... bursting with affection.

Eren Jaeger _is_ (/ _was_ ) cute? No. That's an understatement. He's got way more than that going on!

''I loved Levi. I loved you. I did. It was me. All me.'' His eyes shift to the side as he starts. He smiles. He's bashful and, on the last word, he brings his eyes to me again like he's trying to judge my reaction without showing me how much he actually cares... but it gives away his real feelings pretty easily.

Yeah, I know you did. I know you loved Levi and you wanted to see the world outside the walls with him. I know all that. I also know; You... You probably...

''...still do.''

It was so low I could barely hear it... or actually, want to confirm I did hear it correctly.

''What?''

''I still do... I guess.'' Because it's probably reassuring to add that little; 'I guess' to the end. It makes it uncertain and gives me the power to discard that idea. But I don't. I let it sink into me. Into us. ''I don't think it ever stopped... ever. I do not recall a single time when I wasn't chasing after you in this life. None.''

He crosses his arms on the table and rests his head on them... also hiding his expression from me for when he adds; full of emotions on the verge of his lips and so much more:

''But you don't... so...''

I can't take it. I can't take this. You don't know shit, Eren Jaeger. Stop talking. How can you possibly remember? You describe it like all of these feelings are yours. All the events, they are yours. That love, it is yours. How can you be so sure? Why would you remember it all like it's part of you while I don't. I get nothing except the Replayer. If I wasn't the one with that job in the Replayer, would it be someone else having this conversation with you? Would it matter? Would it still be _me_ you'd say all this too? _I_ want it to be _me_ even if the Replayer wasn't part of my life. _I_ want to give you what you want. _I_ want to give you what you deserve in this world, but I can't do anything at all.

All I did was listen to you crying in the middle of the night unable to come to you... or let it go and sleep. ''Hey, don't you dare go crying on me again...'' _Because I want you to be happy for some reason_ , but he raises his head to my words and shakes it.

''Shut up! I won't!''

He doesn't like the mention of what happened, I guess. He stands up abruptly and takes his plate to the table to walk away from this. Eren is sentimental. He is passionate about everything and that includes how he feels, but that doesn't mean he is proud of it all the time... It just means he is intense about it. All of it.

So when I grab his wrist suddenly to stop his path on impulse, he turns around with anger in his eyes. He doesn't like it. I don't like it either. He doesn't like the way I brought it up like that. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't get it. He saw it as a critique. I said it as the first thing I ever said to him that might have let him know that I cared. It wasn't a critique. It was more like a wish that I couldn't state correctly. It was misleading. I just... I just didn't want him to be like that again. It felt horrible. The whole night felt horrible. How did I leave the kitchen? Hell. I don't fucking know. I just did and now I'm stopping him from running away.

I don't really get why I care about his happiness that much... but I do.

Fuck you, Eren Jaeger, I didn't want to care!

''That's not what I meant...''

I can sense the impatience in his behavior before he slips out of my grasp suddenly like he just brushed against fire.

I let him go.

I sit at the table in front of him. I look at him. He doesn't. He keeps his eyes on the toast on his plate without saying anything. He drinks his chocolate milk like a little kid and I'm not surprised he likes that at all. I'm not surprised he covered his toast with the Nutella I buy for Mikasa. Seems like he's got a sweet tooth still. He eats in a messy way, as usual. He eats like he's in a hurry to finish and I should probably explain myself before too many minutes pass between us and the matter becomes null and void.

I can't exactly tell him something like : I don't want you to be sad ever again... and definitely not over me. No. I can't bend for him. Can I? ...Nah!

''Hey...'' I start softly and I hate myself for turning soft on him. Damn it! His eyes raise. His eyes meet mine. That perfect green that I love meets my eyes again and I find myself losing myself in them like Levi did. It made _him_ think of wilderness and freedom. It makes _me_ think of wilderness and freedom... just like flying in the sky above the trees, but also of a cage. The cage is safe, but once I'm out of it; I don't know how I can possibly withstand it all. A cage where I'm caught; prisoner of Eren Jaeger... because I actually want him in every possible way. Physically. Mentally. I said it; In every possible way. All of him. And I bend again for him and I admit it: ''It's not that I dislike you or don't care about you at all, O.K.? I am not like you. I do not remember like you do..., but I kind of remember. Kinda.''

I actually care a lot more than that, Eren, but never mind that.

Let's not talk about how it's actually hard to accept... and you're just a freaking teenager again that is simply smiling with a smile that's out of this world because it made you take a 180 degrees with your emotions when you heard that. From Anger, you turn to happy. You build expectations on these words alone and, as I ruffle your hair on my way back to the kitchen after breakfast, I know they get out of hand. Your cheeks turn a cute pink shade.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 07-10_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_He was never the kind of person to express his emotions... or to tell others he cared. He never told Petra to be careful. He never did anything like that with his whole squad before they went on a mission because he trusted them. Is it because he doesn’t trust Eren, then? No. It’s not that. Eren is probably the most resourceful soldier they have. Hell!. The kid is so fucking thick headed; he wouldn’t die. Then, why is he trying to make Eren look at him as they ride the cart to the wall with Hanji and Eren’s friend? He can’t really say._

_It might be just to say something like : 'See you later!' as a confirmation that Eren is going to come back._

_And so he pokes Eren’s leg with his boots again and again._

_It takes a while for Eren to actually notice the gesture, but when he does it’s worth it: The way he glances at Levi for an instant... then down along with a little move of his head. His lips form a small smile and that’s enough. He settles with just that glance. Just that smile. There’s no need for words.. and he'd rather keep quiet about it. He didn't exactly want to talk, he wanted to make Eren understand the obvious. Oh well, he could have used a peck on the lips though._

-           

 

''Alright, I returned to work... and I’ve let you stay one more night than you should last night. You’re going home today.''

Don’t ask me why I let him stay last night. Don’t ask me how he managed to get a 'Yes' out of me. I think that’s pretty obvious at this point. He does it all the time. Eren Jaeger doesn’t take a 'No' for an answer. Never

''Can't I...''

Today, though, he will deal with a 'No,' that’s for sure because I tell him a straight: ''No.''

''Fine.''

He sighs, but there’s a little a knowing smile on his lips. He knew I’d say that. He just tried to push his luck, but I’m not giving it to him this time. It’s not that I mind sleeping with him. Well, I do, a little, but that’s mostly because it’s weird to sleep in the same bed and watch out to avoid touching him. He moves a lot. He moves closer, and then he moves back. I’m actually wondering if he sleeps well, but he doesn’t complain about it. I don’t, that’s for sure. Finding sleep isn’t easy in this situation... Tonight’s night of sleep will be good.

''Can I call you though?'' Oh right, he does have it, my phone number. He even added his own into my phone... not that I'll use it.

''...Sure.''

He nods and I can see a victorious smile on his face even though he’s looking down at the shoes he’s slipping on. He stands up on my door step with a bag on his shoulders full of clothes and I’m pretty sure he forgot some clothes in here. I’ll have to find some place to put then until he comes back... Wait, what? Who said he’d come back!?

Oh well.

''I’ll go smoke outside'' I announce when I see the eyes he puts on me as I slip my shoes on as well. It’s weird. I feel like I’m not exactly ready to let him go. As if I’m wondering if he’ll actually come back somewhere deep inside me. He will. He has to. This is not the Replayer. Eren is merely going back to his family. I bet he’ll call me right away like an excited little kid. He got my phone number from Mikasa’s friend, he must be eager to use it. Yeah. All of that. There’s no reason to feel this weird over it.

But I end up closing the door after the two of us anyway and then walk through the entrance. This time, Eren Jaeger doesn’t smoke anything. He just stands right there; close to me, but not too close. He moves from one foot to the other. He looks at me. He talks about trivial things. He says he’ll send me text messages, but assures me he won’t do it too much. He says he won’t call at odd hours too. He fills the silence with his voice until I step on the remains of my cigarette; ready to return inside... by myself.

That’s when he takes the step forward he’s been itching to take. He's close again. I know this. It's familiar. I've seen it before and I know where this is going... His hands lift up a little toward me, but then they drop to his sides again and he returns one step back. He doesn’t ask what I thought he would ask... When he speaks, I feel a hint of disappointment, but I’m also lucky he looks away for an instant, because I probably look at him with a soft expression I’d rather not be showing.

''I...'' He starts, but then changes his mind and finishes with a simple: ''Good Night, Levi... Laters!''

It could have ended there. It's like Déjà-vu. An awkward and slightly different one, but still a Déjà-vu of something I witnessed today... and this time, it itches me to do it. I want to do it... and Fuck! Fuck Myself! I am doing it!

I walk forward and he stops the motion of turning away to look at me in surprise. I grab his shirt. He stumbles a little. I call out his name. His eyes get onto mine. Glued.

''Come here.'' I instruct and he follows me backward; in the shadow of the building. I hear him start asking me what I’m doing, but when my lips reaches his; he loses the words in his mouth. He takes the chaste kiss I drop to the corner of his soft lips like he's just been struck by lightning and he’s not even sure it happened. I am not either, but I just felt the urge to do so. Maybe it’s because of the Replayer. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just because of him. Maybe not. It doesn’t matter. I still get to return back to the safety of the building to avoid questions, but I still throw a little:

''It’s more like you. It doesn't smell like drugs... It smells like Eren Jaeger.'' Pause. Yeah, that was the scent of Eren Jaeger and that was... a kiss... from me to you. That came out of nowhere. I’m sorry. I’m done. I’m leaving. Don't listen to me. ''Good Night.''

I can hear a weak and awkward : ''Good Night'' behind me just before I enter the building, but I stop myself from sharing one last look with him. At least, it makes me believe I am fighting the urges to just let him win this stupid(and imaginary fight) I am having with Eren Jaeger. Imaginary, because I know I am not going to get it my way. He isn't going to go away. He isn't going to be just that kid I know. No. Never. I already lost this fight and just now, I confirmed that I was going to surrender soon enough... if I didn't do something about it.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 07-11_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_That peck on the lips; it waited a lot. It's not like Levi thought about Eren a whole lot. He didn't. He had his own business to attend to. They were just fighting on different battlefields. Well, that was until the news came to him; Eren had been kidnapped. Here he was, in front of Erwin, trying to make a point of hurrying up the rescue and give the political issue a rest for a little while. It's not like it would matter if Eren was gone... right? And what the fuck was going on anyway; there were Titans inside the walls... and Erwin's theory of Titans along them was turning out to be true. A little bit more 'true' than they actually expected at first._

_''We're going to get Jaeger back.''_

_Levi speaks like there's nothing to discuss about it. He isn't interested in whatever plan Erwin can come up with to turn this into an opportunity... as long as he makes one to actually get Eren back. It's all that matters. It's not just because Levi is in_ that _weird relationship with the boy where they share kisses and touches here and there. It's not just because Levi likes this relationship... and wants to know where it'll lead. It's because it's Eren. He is a tool. He is useful. Humanity needs him._

_Levi needs him too... maybe... it makes him feel like he's not too fucked up. Eren might be saving him too._

_''We're ready. We're trailing them already and they will lead us to useful information about their kind and their hideout, if that's where they are headed.'' The thing is... Even if Erwin is an excellent strategist; it doesn't always make up for the difference in strength between the Titans and them. If it comes to that; they could lose Eren without even trying to get the boy back. If worse comes to worse, Eren could also learn some truth about his existence and turn on them instead. It's a very unlikely scenario... or, perhaps it's basically impossible considering the hate dwelling inside Eren for the Titans, but it doesn't mean it's not possible. He doesn't know what they're trying to do, but Eren's monster of anger is the only thing making him doubt if they can pull it out..._

_The truth is; it's not like he knows Eren that much either... even though they've been intimate._

_''We can't take the chance. If we lose at this shitty game you want to play, we will be handing Eren over like some piece of shit we don't need anymore and give them our hope along with it. We can definitely use him...''_

_He can use him by his side too._

_''It's not like you, Levi.'' states Erwin without stopping his course toward his horse to depart with his men, but Levi does stop on his path for an instant._

_''What is?''_

_It makes Erwin turns around to face him._

_''To protect one person even if it might cost others life.''_

_No. He's not trying to protect Eren because of some mixed feelings for the boy. He's definitely not._

_''That's not it. We lost lives to get here right now. What was the point of these sacrifices if we're going to let them have a chance at taking Eren with them?'' And that, isn't a lie. It's true. He thinks all of it. He always did. Everyone he knows... including those who died, he does it all for them and everyone he doesn't even know; to avoid the same end. ''I am trying to save everyone. I'm thinking of all of us and... our future.''_

_And in that 'us' there's Levi._

_And in that future, there shall be Eren Jaeger_.

-           

 

Yeah, I could have stepped over my pride and just called him myself. I could have. I didn't. I remembered giving him a glimpse of hope along with that childish kiss and I couldn't afford to fall deeper. Or just to admit my fall at this point. All of this because...

That night, like the following ones, Eren didn't call.


	11. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Well lucky me I'm finally all alone_  
>  I'll miss you  
> SO LONG SENTIMENT
> 
> I am sorry... this note will probably be short. I am kind of sick (has been all winter, but it was good for the last few weeks and now my throat is sore again -_-') and I'll be off to bed shortly. I also can't wait to write all of the next chapter. I made a big headlines for the next 4-5 chapters and they are pretty interesting. They should be, at least. There is some Ereri in this chapter at least, I hope it keeps you waiting for what's next! =) Isn't it perfect for me; Levi's real name is Levi Ackerman! Perfect for this fic and his relationship with Mikasa, hihi ;)
> 
> ...Which is going to be a chapter from Eren's POV by the way!
> 
> I made a list of song and a tag for the fic if you ever want to say/show or whatever about this fic. It'll be: fic:dsnw It's already what I am using on my blog to tag my fic so you can also see all the chapter on Tumblr using that as well! For the song list, it's on my blog... So far, there's only 3 songs. You'll be able to see the tag on my blog [Here](http://iplaythegayme.tumblr.com/tagged/song-list%3A-DSNW). I will post song that I find 'inspiring' and like... Spiritual Theme Song xD I will also put up all the song I linked in the notes so far... I hope you discover great songs! =)

He speaks and speaks without end. The words flow out of his mouth as he blurts out so much about him and his world, but I don’t hear anything. I think of his lips. I see them as they form the words. I want to see them, that is. He tells me about his family, I hear: ''You’ve let me kiss you.'' He tells me about his friends, I hear: ''You kissed me back.'' I’ve heard it before and I couldn’t exactly deal with it back when it happened. I can’t deal with it now either. And then, he tells me about him and that he’s not wasted this time... finally, but I can only hear: ''You kissed me.'' Again, and again, just like a mantra. No. Please. Don’t tell me about it. I know already. Just let me forget what I did. I hang up. He calls back. I ignore his call and... Fuck! He’s not having any of it.

''Don’t cha wish your _boyfriend_ was hot like me! Don't cha wish your _boyfriend_ was a freak like me!'' is what goes out instead of my usual and boring ''Driiiing!'' ringtone and I know I shouldn’t have let him add his own number on my cell phone before he left. Look what he did, this little shit!

Do not 'Don't cha wish' me, Eren Jaeger... I'd rather not think about the perspective.

And... Yeah, it’s definitely his stupid voice I hear over the music singing badly and making the lyrics suit his gender. Oh god. And then, when I finally get a hold on the phone, I realize... No, this isn’t what happened at all. Nothing happened. Eren and I, we haven’t talked since that shitty excuse for a kiss I gave him.

On my phone, it’s not his name or his picture. It’s Petra’s and my mood does a 180... Not for the best, I can tell you that. I could blame it on being awakened by some stupid ringtone, thanks to Eren Jaeger’s stupid joke, but that’s not it. The ringtone had my insides swirling to torment me a little bit, that’s all. Waking up was fine. It was a nap. I wasn’t deeply asleep... was I? It was just a nap. I wouldn’t have minded if it was reality... If I was just sleeping in my library where Eren Jaeger slept before, ok, but the phone call was him.

And even then, I wouldn’t have known what to say. I’m sorry I kissed you? I’m sorry it was just a kid kiss, can we do it again? Can I remove your pants while we’re at it? I’ll remove mine too. The truth is, I didn’t mind as much as I acted like when you touched me. No. No. And No.

I sigh loudly... exasperated.

''What is it?''

''O-oh! Sounds like someone is in a bad mood.'' She says and this is the best example of our whole life together: Petra in a good mood and Levi in a bad mood. It was our daily life. It still is, I guess. None of us really changed after all.

''I'm just tired.''

That, I am. It’s one more thing to add to the list of things I’d rather not think about; not being able to sleep. That’s right. I’m not sleeping well. I could lie and tell you it started before Eren came here. I could. I won’t. It’s true, I didn’t sleep well when he was there. Rather, I was sleeping well... it’s just that falling asleep was hard. Once I was asleep though, it was good. Now, there’s almost no moment where I’m asleep. It’s just... everything’s off.

''Does it have something to do with the person you’re seeing?'' she asks playfully like a little child who just got her hand into something new... and I just brutally feel more awake than I’ve been since the phone call started.

''W-What? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you sure you called the right number?''

''Don’t be shy! You met someone, that’s great!'' she goes on and on about it while I try to recall something, anything, that could have let her know I had something new in my life. No. Just no. There is nothing. I don’t even have someone in my life!

''Petra, this must be a misunderstanding... I am not seeing anyone.''

''Oh...'' It seems like the fun is ending. It seems like she’s done acting like a child. Down to earth!... or not: ''Are you sure?''

''Fuck yes, I’m sure. I like to think I know what I’m doing with my dick.''

''I didn’t say you had sex... yet, but Mikasa told me she found underwear in the laundry basket when she picked it up to continue the laundry where you left it, so maybe you did.''

I repeat; stoic and unshaken. ''I am not seeing anyone, I have no clue what you’re talking about.''

I hope this is convincing, because I am actually freaking out right now. Eren Fucking Jaeger, I knew this would happen! And I do not want to think about the possibility of having sex with the brat... well, I do, but this isn't the time.

''R-Right... and your _favorite_ neighbour saw someone else hiding to kiss like a little boy?''

 _That Fucking Old Hag_ and her useless gossip! She likes Petra a little bit too much; I always knew that much, but now... Now she took it to another level! Does she not have better things to do than look out her window to look at me or what? Damn it.

''I guess it could have been a teenager considering my height...'' I say it and I try to make it sound funny, but it isn’t really funny. Not at all... and she’s not going to swallow that. ''O.K. Fine. I had someone over and it doesn’t seem like he’ll come over again, are you happy now?''

''Eh, but why... '' She starts and I know what’s to come. She’s asking me why and it’s alright. I know she doesn’t mean any harm. She’s just curious. She cares and it’s alright, but it’s not good timing right now. Absolutely not. I don’t want to think about this. I want to erase it from my mind.

The more reasons to do so since he won’t even call me... and he should. Not me.

''I do not want to talk about it.'' I shouldn’t be harsh, but I insist on every word and I am harsh when I tell her that. End of the conversation, now go talk to your daughter. We’ll talk some other time... and definitely not about Eren Jaeger.

-           

 

I walk. Slow. It feels like each step takes too much energy. I’m tired and the coffee in my hand doesn’t seem to help. And Fuck, I don’t feel like dealing with this meeting with Hanji to know the news either. It’s been three days already. I think I’ve been able to keep up. I mean... I’ve been efficient. I’ve been trying to get into the Replayer completely. Forget Rivaille and his damn Eren... just drown in Levi and _his_ Eren instead. Hell, I am still glad there wasn’t much going on between Levi and Eren, because I'm not sure I could handle it. It was a good thing that Levi was in the city seeing Erwin and discussing what happened while Eren was away. Far enough, so I didn’t have to see him and just had to deal with Levi thinking about him. That was more than enough to deal with, so, when I open the door to the room and hear my name called out by a voice I heard roll my name on his tongue in ways I’d rather not describe; I don’t want to deal with it either.

''What are you doing here? ...Erwin.''

''Just helping out! We should go eat lunch together with Mike later!''

''...Yeah, Yeah.'' That's how I get myself invited as a third wheel for lunch. There isn’t much interest though. I’d rather go back home and sleep a little more... I don’t even feel like going into the Replayer right now. I know what’s coming: Eren. Levi will meet with his new squad and that means, meeting with Eren... and I know how this reunion is going to go. I should just skip this part of the Replayer.

Yeah. That.

I sit right next to Erwin and, like every fucking meeting we've had so far, I don't feel like being there.

-           

 

''Welcome back, Rivaille!'' Is Hanji's greeting upon entering the room and, knowing she's always the last one, I take a look around at the... almost empty room. It's just us; Erwin, Mike, Hanji and I. What meeting is that? I was expecting a meeting where I can just erase myself in the corner and listen whenever it seems like I could use the information... which is usually something about Eren.

No. Today, it's just us. ''What's up? Where's everyone?''

Hanji smiles. She is literally beaming with joy and it makes me kind of blind... in a not pleasant way. To be honest, it's kind of creepy because she doesn't seems to be happy for the usual reasons. Ever.

''No need to gather everyone else, they've been informed while you were away.'' So why does she pause before going on with the rest? Probably just to bring some kind of suspense into this whole thing... which doesn't work on me, by the way. Better luck next time.

''...Just spill it already.''

''As you can see, we had Erwin helping out a little bit recently and we were able to confirm some information regarding titans... and that is making our goal, my goal, more clear!... We were able to confirm the presence of humans inside Titans. Just like Eren creates his own Titan out of nowhere, it is probably the same with the other Titans as well.''

Probably. I had this conversation with Erwin just a while ago in the Replayer, actually. They've been killing Titans the exact way they would be killing Eren's Titan if it was needed, assuming it would work. It is true that I thought about it before, but it merely went through my mind for an instant. That is all. I thought about how Levi would kill Eren if he needed to... did he actually know how to kill them? And he just assumed. He assumed that was the way to kill Eren on instinct, because that was how he killed every other Titan. At that point, it did hit me.

But it was gone right away.

I didn't actually consider it... and Levi didn't want to consider it either, that's probably why he didn't think about it before Erwin brought it up. It was possible. Actually, it was very possible. Now that Hanji was confirming it; I had no difficulties trusting her on that. It made perfect sense. There was nothing else to it. Humans were inside the Titans, but... now, all that remained was: Why could they do this and we couldn't? What was the difference between them... and the rest of us?

Hell, they were probably in such great numbers too!

''How is it possible for some humans to turn into Titans while others can't, and why would they eat us? Assuming they all live outside the walls... how is it possible for Eren? And there are all the Titans inside the walls too... We don't even know if some of them are hiding among us.''

God. I could go on and on forever.

It brings so much to my mind. If Eren is like them, why do they want him? Is it because he is strong? No. He's not that strong really. He's nothing special, is he? So far, except from the Female Titan and her 'friends', I had always assumed Titans didn't think like us... I didn't need to find a pattern behind their actions. Now though. Now that I know, they probably have one. They are human. They must have some kind of organization.

Some kind of goal... with Eren... with us.

''That's why we need Eren.'' she says and it brings me back. To the sentence. To the name. I think of a boy I know in this world. I see him suddenly in my head and... What? I find myself getting a lot more aware of what's going on suddenly. I ask myself if she knows and I worry for some reason. Because I am not sure what she wants with him. Because I remember Hanji being pushy about doing experiments on Eren. Because I want to protect Eren. Because I remember Armin's words... or maybe I am just being selfish.

''... What do you mean, you need Eren?''

If they don't know about this Eren, I am not the one that is going to tell them.

''Well, it'd be great if we had the real Eren here to tell us about it, or show us through the Replayer, but we'll have to do with the one inside the Replayer and wait for him to reveal his secret on how to become a Titan.''

And I can't help but fail to understand: why does it even matter? Why is she so excited about this? It's like she can't sit still now that she knows all this and I don't understand. I just don't... and she's not even asking herself the questions I am asking myself. All she cares about is 'How Eren Jaeger became a Titan in the first place.'

-           

 

Mike was the one to get a chair from another table to join us, but I still feel like a third wheel. No. I am a third wheel. I’m the extra at the table. The little extra you get that’s not too bad, but not very useful either. In this setting, it’s not too bad. I’ve seen worse. I’m used to it, I guess, but I still find myself eating at a much faster pace than usual to go back upstairs to my small office... If I can even call it an office. It’s not that they make me feel like a third wheel. If anything, it’s quite the opposite; apart from their lunch, you wouldn’t know they’re dating. But I do know and somehow it makes me think of all the times I had lunch with Eren Jaeger in my shitty apartment over the last two weeks. It was nothing special, but... Now that I think about it, I kind of miss it. A little.

I remember green eyes looking at me through his glass of juice. I remember his lips curving into a smile for the simplest things... even while eating. Now, in front of me, I see Erwin doing the same kind of bullshit with Mike and it makes me feel weird... and I don’t really feel like describing it.

Let alone think about it... so I find myself saying the only thing I can think of that has nothing to do with Eren Jaeger: ''Hey, Erwin... ever since you went into the Replayer, do you remember anything?''

Okay, I lied. It still has to do with Eren Jaeger... and me. And us.

''Remember? ...Remember what?''

''I don’t know... like something about the past. Anything.'' Don’t tell me it’s just me!

''Oh... No. Why would I remember anything?'' Right. I know that already, but why am I remembering things then? It’d be easier if I wasn’t remembering anything... and why does Eren remember it even better than me anyway? He’s not even going in the Replayer, that little shit!

To me, this conversation ends right here with that. If Erwin doesn’t remember and if he asks me why; this isn’t going to go anywhere.

This Erwin isn’t the old Erwin... at all. The difference between this world and the other one made Erwin a different man. Probably a happier man too. Much happier. It might be better this way. He leaves the conversation as it is. He doesn’t mind it. He doesn’t ask himself why I asked that question. He goes back to his perfect lunch of leftovers from yesterday’s meal like we were just talking about the weather and I want to do it too. I do. I can’t... I see Mike’s eyes on me.

I can almost see the wheels turning in his head when he speaks. ''Do you remember, _R_ ivaille?''

I don’t like how he says my name. I feel like the R rolls on his tongue for too long... and it doesn’t have anything to do with the way Eren says it at all. Sure, it involves shivering in both scenarios, but... It’s in a completely different way, mind you. This, This one isn’t good. It feels like he creeps under my skin... or tries to. It feels like he knows already and I don’t want him to know, so I say the only thing I can say to make him believe otherwise: ''Not really. It’s just confusing with the Replayer, but it’s not like _I_ remember Levi or anything.''

I honestly say so. I honestly lie to his face... and I don’t feel bad for it. I’m not sure I remember, but it sure feels like remembering when the Past overlaps with the Present sometimes. I’m just not sure I can call it that when I compare it to the way Eren does it all... like it was him all along.

It wasn’t me... but it’s me, _now_.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 07-10_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

He sees him first and he’s glad it really is Eren he sees walking with a broom in his hand towards the stable like he’s ready for more cleaning. Eren and Cleaning, it’s already a winning situation. It wouldn’t be the same if it was anyone else and it makes the whole night of traveling without a stop worth it. He couldn’t wait. He left at impossible hours because he wanted to get there as soon as possible... if Eren is there... and alone; it’s just even better.

So, of course, when he enters the stable behind the boy, it just... sort of happens.

It starts with Levi, it truly starts with his name and it ends with Levi's name when the boy comes undone. It's on Eren's lips, in his mouth. It's the only thing. Levi. That and the way his voice breaks under Levi's mouth. The sound of the broom falling to the ground is lost under the sound of his voice calling Levi once he sees him at the door. There's a 'Toc' when Levi's head hits the wall a little bit rougher than he expected it to and it marks the end of any possible conversation... and the start of everything else. There's panting. There's... Levi, again, of course. There's a broken voice trying to say things that don't make any sense. Or don't matter. It seems like everything happens under the other's fingertips. It's like Levi's whole being lives at the tips of his fingertips running over the tanned skin... and Fuck this stupid as fuck setting they're in. He doesn't know when he started to ignore the dirtiness of it all. He just knows he's pinning Eren to the ground anyway and kissing him until neither of them can breathe anymore... and then, he gets to hear more of the wonderful panting coming out of the boy under him.

There's a lot of kissing, that's one thing. There are a lot of moans... because it seems like Eren is quite vocal, which isn't a bad thing, except in this setting. There's all the rustle of clothes being taken away if possible... and, in the end, Levi finds himself more naked than Eren. How did this happen? He thought he was the one leading this... Guess not. Sure, he's straddling Eren Jaeger... but without his pants on anymore and his shirt almost completely unbuttoned. The way Eren Jaeger stares, though; it's worth it. As if Eren could eat him whole or take him whole... and he definitely could.

No. He does... but Eren still comes undone with Levi's name on his lips anyway after a decent amount of touches more or less gentle.

-           

 

As I recall the fucking scene, I sigh loudly and lower myself in the bath as if I try to hide myself from whoever could see him right now. In this shape. Fuck no. Ignore it. It'll go away... Yeah. It will. Oh god, I hope it does. Hey, guess what!? It doesn't! I guess holding my cell phone and looking over Eren Jaeger's name on it (and his silly picture where I don't really see much of his face and more of the background) doesn't really help... but Hey! I was just wondering if I should text him or not. Or call him, who knows. I can still feel his lips on my skin like a ghost... and before I know it, it's my own fingertip grazing over my skin. Ghostly. Lightly. When I close my eyes, I can see him and I just let myself go in it. Lost.

So yeah, when my phone rings... It startles me and I find myself trying to get a grip of the device even though my hands are a wet. Even though my fingers won't make the touch screen react properly. I should have left it on the side of the bath, where I left it when I started to lose my head over this. I should, but I didn't. I grip it and I think I got it under control when my eyes can read the message, but it goes off again... and that's why I drop the phone. Slickly. I feel like I'm juggling with it. Or trying, at least. Let me tell you I fail miserably, because it drops into the water and it stays there quite a while before I manage to put it back out.

Hey, are you serious? Is this fucking real? My IPhone... This shit costs a lot too!

Black Screen.

Fuck you, Life!

-           

 

 **Eren:** You kissed me this time.

I saw that. I saw the first one. After that, I'm left guessing about the contents... Something I'll never know. I thought about you? I want a round no. 2? No. That is all me. My bad.

-           

 

 

''You're like a kid'' she comments and I have to hold it together to make a sarcastic comment about this... I wonder who's the fucking kid between the two of us, but it is true; I am acting like a kid. No. A Teenager. This isn't some Teenage Romance where I live on my cell phone because I can't afford to miss his calls or his messages. No. I'm fucking twenty-eight for Fuck's sake. I'm long beyond that... or is it that I never went through this, so it comes to me now? God. I don't want to go back to my teens to live some romance I never lived... because my relationship with Petra didn't have a thrill like that.

At all.

But Mikasa isn't talking about this. No. She's talking about my behavior right now... because having no cell phone turns me into this horrible zombie the next morning because I didn't sleep at all. No. All I did was turn around in my bed. Again. And Again... and I wondered what was the next message Eren Jaeger sent me. I made scenarios. I thought of the infinite possibilities and I didn't even waste time trying to find something I could have said back to him. It took him days to send me this message... D A Y S! and I dropped my phone into my bath. How does one drop his phone into his bath anyway? Why did I bring it into the bathroom with me anyway while I was taking a bath? It's not like I needed it. That's not what you're supposed to do when you're trying to relax in your bath. That's not what I usually do... and yet, yesterday, I did it.

''Just get a new one'' she said and I could feel the irony. We had this conversation. We did. I told her we'd just get a new one when her shirt came out of the laundry with a stain. Color bleed. That was my bad... but, again, it was Eren's fucking colorful underwear's fault.

Eren. Eren. Eren. Everywhere.

So that's it. I am standing at the Bell Store at the 'Mail Champlain' while Mikasa looks at all the stupid accessories available... and will probably ask me for a bunch of stuff later, but it'll be a No. Just No. No cell phone for you! But for me, when it comes to my burned out IPhone, I lose it.

''What? You can't get everything that was on it back into my new one?''

I should probably calm the fuck down. I should probably keep my voice low, but it doesn't always go as planned. It's just how it is. I get kind of... slightly upset at the idea. Not slightly. I am upset. I mean, I didn't even tell him I dropped it in the bath. I told him I jumped into the pool with it in my pocket... which is a total lie, but he doesn't know that. And Mikasa didn't hear that part, because she knows. Oh yeah. She heard me swear loud and clear when I was still in the bath... She even told Petra and I had to deal with the annoying as fuck teasing from my ex-wife saying things like: ''Were you sexting with your new friend in the bath?''

If only... If only.

''You can keep your phone number, but you'll lose everything. Files. Contacts.''

''Previously sent or received messages?'' I feel fucking lame asking that one question for some reason. I don't even know where I find the courage to say it out loud.

''You'll lose those too. Your phone totally... died.''

-           

 

I have this brand new phone; this brand new IPhone. It's black, which is better than my white one, but... Here, on my screen, there are only three contacts now with two of them being Petra. The remaining one is Erwin. No Eren Jaeger. No picture of his silly, but cute as fuck face. Nothing. I don't have his number and he doesn't text me again. I can't text him. I can't call him. I can't ask him what was up. I should be glad. I tell myself I should be glad. He won't bother me anymore. I'll be done with him. I won't have to worry about him. I'll just go back to my normal life and I actually start to believe it after a few days... but, when my phone rings Saturday morning; I realize I miss that ringtone he did for me.

I realize I want Eren Jaeger’s face to be on the screen when I look it up... not Petra's.

Yeah, I'm pretty deep into this. I'm totally done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told, I once dropped a book (from School) in the Sink full of waters cuz I was about to do the dishes!...  
> And I have a friend who jumped into the pool with his IPhone in his pocket in the middle of summer, but Rice saved his phone!


	12. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the second chapter in Eren's POV! I really love writing Eren, but it actually is harder for me to write him than to write Levi because 'this Levi' is dealing with his sentimental stuff in a similar way than I do; Evade it. Think about it a lot, but doesn't like to admit anything about it and feeling like it actually is a weakness... which has been quite an issue in the past with my relationship! ./die xD Writing Eren's involvement in his own 'feelings' is actually quite hard to me, but I deliver it correctly!? I am sorry it took me a while to post this chapter, I needed to work out something for one of the kids I work with. I spend all weekend on this last week and put it to 'work' this week. It paid off because I manage to make him a lot more organized in the classroom which made me lose less time with his unsuited 'behavior'. I'm actually quite happy I managed to do this... I'm still new to this (since I finished School on November). It makes me a bit 'prideful' I could help him! ahah =)
> 
> I don't have much to say about to chapter except that it can be considered a turning point. It marks the end of the 'Questions' part of the story and starts the 'Answers' part as we'll discover more about This Eren soon and the actual purpose of Levi's work. It also marks the beginning of Levi giving more and more freedom to Eren... ;) Which is definitely something to look forward too! =)
> 
> _All this feels strange and untrue_   
> _And I won't waste a minute without you_   
> _My bones ache, my skin feels cold_   
> _And I'm getting so tired and so old_
> 
> _The anger swells in my guts_  
>  _And I won't feel these slices and cuts_  
>  _I want so much to open your eyes_  
>  _'Cause I need you to look into mine_  
>  OPEN YOUR EYES

Five. That's the number of Levi's apartment and that's probably about the number of minutes I spent there looking at the worn out number on the door. Probably? No. It's definitely been around five minutes. Maybe a bit more. Maybe ten, but I'd rather think it's been five. It's a little bit less pathetic, although the whole week has been quite pathetic.

As I told Marco earlier this week, the beginning wasn't that bad. Sure, it started pretty bad on Saturday night... more like Sunday, very early in the morning. That was the day, more like the night, where I almost managed to touch Levi's junk. Almost. He didn't let me. Of course not. But I got close. So close. I didn't sleep in Levi's bed that night, but I was back in it on Sunday evening. I got a pass at an extra night with him... even though we just lay together in the dark. And Sleep. It's nothing. It's stupid. Probably. To him. Not to me. To me, it means the world... because letting someone sleep with you is to let someone in during your most vulnerable state. I remember saying: ''On Monday; shit hits the fan.'' to Marco when I told him about the awkward kiss I got. I waited for him to talk to me. To tell me something... anything. To stop me from getting my hopes up. Or to actually let me get my hopes up with certainty. No. I was damned. I waited. I was insecure. I waited. I couldn't possibly let myself go too high on this... The fall would hurt too much.

And if his lips didn't haunt me the rest of the week, I'm not Eren Jaeger. They did. Oh yes, they did!

A little bit dry and rough, but still soft to me. Thin. And close. So close, I could smell the scent of the cigarette clinging to him and the scent of soap... or is it cologne? Refreshingly floral and, more importantly, orange.

I didn't falter... I waited.

On Wednesday, Jean said I was on edge, but I dismissed it because... well, because it was Jean. The truth is; I didn't actually think shit hit the fan on Monday. Quite the opposite. My heart was loud. My stomach was turned upside down by butterflies. My lips couldn't stop forming that stupid grin. I was happy, I really was. But then, after a few hours... No, after a few days... I wasn't so happy anymore. Levi hadn't talked to me. I admit it didn't take long for my patience to run out, but it took me a while to actually admit it. ''I'm fine.'' I kept saying it with such an angry voice, no one believed me. On Thursday, Marco didn't believe me either when he asked me why I was so mad at the canned food I needed to put on the shelf at work. No. I wasn't fine. I was angry. I was irritated. For once, I actually started to hate the way Levi decided everything... This wasn't like me at all. This wasn't about my respect for him. It was about letting him decide without getting a say in this.

I didn't falter... I waited more.

In the evening on Tuesday, in the darkness of my room because I hadn’t turned the lights on after my shower, I stopped waiting. For now. I didn’t even understand why I was naked in my bed at 8 P.M. ready to sleep, but I was. I wanted to sleep because time went by faster when I was asleep, but I didn’t. I stared at the bright screen in front of me. I stared at the blank space and at the cursor flashing as if words could appear out of nowhere, but no one other than me could write the first message I sent Levi. ''Just tell him what’s on your mind.'' was the advice I got from Marco. That’s what I did; I wrote a simple: You kissed me.

No answer... not after a few seconds. I’m pretty sure that was enough time for him to read it. Or was he far from his phone? I saw his phone when I was there, of course, but he never dragged it anywhere with him. It was in the apartment, that was all that mattered. It was in the bedroom, by the bed, on the nightstand. Always there. By the lamp. Even then, a few seconds should be enough to pick it up and read it. And so, I started to overthink this. I played it all out in my head. I freaked out... and I started to doubt myself. Maybe he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Or me. Maybe he wanted to ignore me. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Maybe it was just to try it out... to feel the waters. To see if he would feel anything, remember anything. Maybe he didn’t.

**Eren: I won’t let you act like it didn’t happen**

No. That wasn’t right. Well, yeah, but there was so much more too!

**Eren: Like you didn’t mean to.**

**Eren: Like it didn’t mean shit.**

No Answer.

I probably should’ve stopped. I was aware of it and I told myself I should stop while I still could... before I made a complete fool of myself, but it was too late anyway. I was past making a fool of myself. I was already at the point where I looked pathetic.

**Eren: I want another kiss. I want Hundreds. No. Thousands... Millions.**

...to me, it was too important to let go.

Still no answer. Even now, two nights later, there are still zero messages from him. Z-E-R-O. I didn’t send more than that. I wanted to, I didn’t. I couldn’t do it... I couldn’t be clingy, even though I probably was clingy already. I couldn’t make him answer whatever I said... and I said everything I could possibly think of to make him reflect on what he did. I mean, I’ve been clear with my feelings. I’ve been more than clear, no? Obviously clear.

That’s how it happened... and here I am; In front of door number 5 in some apartment building in the middle of Longueil after a shitty bus ride from the closest bus stop from my family’s house to here. It’s about forty minutes. Forty minutes of an uncomfortable ride, thanks to the road in Quebec. Yeah. Sounds about right. I wish I lived closer... No, I wished we lived together. There was a time when I only had a few steps to make to reach him whenever I wanted. Hell, there was a time when we were literally living under the same roof. I mean, the rest of the squad was with us, leaving little to zero intimacy, but it was good to invade his personal room once in a while... just once in a while.

I hear footsteps. They seem to get closer to the door. To me. Shit. Shit! Shiiiit!!! I look around for somewhere to hide... and I even consider going back downstairs and out of the building like a freaking thief. No. I actually start to move towards it, but then... What the fuck am I doing? No! I’m here to...

What the... I hear a voice on the other side of the door, but I can’t quite make out what’s happening. I just knock again. And again. Because I know.... It’s him. It’s his voice. I want to see his face. I want to kiss him. I want to touch him.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

''Calm the fuck do-'' Pause. The door flies open and his eyes meet mine. Yours in mine. Mine in yours. ''-own...''

There’s an awkward silence where we just stare at each other like that in the middle of the doorway... for everyone to see a fucking teenager going to an adult man for some unknown reason, but it doesn’t matter. Not to me. I see his face and I remember the way it was close. I see his eyes and I remember how they closed. I see his lips and I remember... I remember how they felt against mine. I remember how bad I want him to pay attention to me. Just me.

''Eren... '' He starts. It’s low, very low, and I see his eyes going over the whole area as if he’s confirming we’re alone. Then they go back to the apartment behind him... to someone I don’t see, but imagine. To the voice of a girl asking curiously: Who’s there? To which he needs to make up an excuse... And I feel like I just want to disappear. I feel like I don’t belong here... like I don’t want to live with this kind of stuff. It’s not like Levi’s having an affair with me even though he had a wife, so why do I feel like I made a mistake by showing up? ''Just the neighbor... Drop the sound of the T.V. a little... You need to take a bath anyway. I’m going for a smoke. Lock the door behind me.''

I hear ''Yeah, Yeah... '' from somewhere in the apartment and then footsteps, but Levi shuts the door right away and brings me down the steps in a hurry. We do not exchange a word. Nothing. Not even when we’re out. Not even when he drags me on the walkway... ‘till we reach the end of the street and turn the corner to enter a park left in the darkness of the night. Then, finally, he continues whatever sentence he wanted to start on that doorstep after he said my name:

''What do you think you’re doing, brat? You can’t show up at my place suddenly like that...''

''I’m sorry, I...'' My bad. I forgot you have a daughter? I forgot you actually have a life? No. I want to be here. I’m glad I’m here in front of you. I’m glad I get to see you... And I don’t even know why I should care about whatever your daughter might think if she sees me. ''No. I’m not sorry. If you didn’t want to see me here, you just had to answer your damn messages! I can’t believe you ignored me. Jerk!''

Wait? Why am I turning angry? Why can’t I stay calm? I didn’t mean to be aggressive, but I don’t see any other way right now. None. And it’s always been like that; I can’t control myself. I can’t be rational... Always emotional. Always ruined by anger.

''Hey... Calm your tits! I-''

Never listening.

''Fuck off! I don’t even understand w-''

''Well, if you took the damn time to listen to me, maybe you’d understand.''

He interrupts me. There’s a pause. For a second, there’s nothing but darkness, the park, the sound of the chains of the swing when he grabs it to sit on it. If I didn’t know better, I could have thought he was a teenager with his small figure... until he lights up a cigarette, that is. The fire shows his face for an instant; his small eyes, his straight nose, his thin lips... with a cigarette between them instead of my lips on his. Urgh! Think about something else! Something else! Like...umm... Like...

''My cell phone fell into the ba-Ah... I mean, the water. It was lost.'' Pause. He regains his composure because he lost it just for an instant. The face he made was priceless; like he didn’t want to say that. Like he needed to find something. Quick. And then, incredibly fast, as usual, he’s back to his old self. ''What did you need?''

His cell phone fell into what? Water. No. He’s covering it up. Ba-Something... with water.

''Ba... Bath?'' No answer, but his eyes lifting from whatever they were looking at, on the ground, to look at me. That’s enough for an answer and I find myself unable to stop the laugh that goes through my throat. ''It definitely is the first time I’ve heard something like this.''

He ignores me.

Somehow, I know I am right about 'Bath'... and I stop my wild imagination from even going there. Don't. Just don't.

''I saw the first message... '' He says like there was nothing special about it and I feel myself blushing furiously. I feel my heart beating loud and clear in my ears. For an instant, just an instant, I actually want to play it off like it never happened to begin with... like I just sent some stupid message. This way, I could go back to before.

No. I can’t.

''Ooh... You saw it.'' I say quietly as I take place in the other swing right next to him so I don’t have to push my weak legs any further to simply stand still in this situation.

...My legs were starting to feel like Jello.

There’s an awkward silence filled with the sound of the chains creaking softly under my weight.

''I kissed you.'' He says finally like it actually took him a moment to find the voice to say it and I think the world stops spinning at his words... at the way he confirms it all. It happened. It did. It wasn’t in my head or anything. It was real! I wish we were facing each other when he said that. I wish I could have seen his face, but I saw nothing but his profile.

I saw the way he blows the smoke from his lungs into the air.

I saw the shape of his lips when he did.

That's all.

''...Yeah.'' But I never thought about it. I didn't plan shit, so when he says that... I'm speechless. I'm not ready. I never will be.

''Did you text me just to state the obvious?''

''N-No...''

''Then, why did you come here? You're lucky my daughter didn't see you! You could have just done like everyone else and sent something... I don't know. Just interrogation points... and I could have told you whatever I needed to say. No, you just had to come here and you almost turned my life upside down!...'' You know, at this point, I'm not even sure he has any interest in the following messages after that 'obvious' one and I'm actually ready to forget whatever came through my mind when I wanted to confront him about it. He doesn't ask me, yet. That would have been my first thing to ask, but he didn't ask. He complains coldly about my behavior and he makes me feel like I'm just an annoying kid intruding into his life, once again, but he surprises me... Yeah, he does, because he asks without lifting his head to look at me like he's actually trying to act like it barely matters: ''What was the next message?

I can feel the curiosity... or is it just because I want to see it?

''I won't let you act like it didn't happen.'' I start exactly like the message I sent him... because I've read them over and over again in the past week. I know them by heart. The words flow out of my mouth on cue as if they were waiting for it. They feel right when I say them. I shape them with my tongue and they come to life through my lips like they were meant to be. ''Like you didn't mean to... Like it didn't mean shit.''

But then, only then, I find myself choking over the next words like they're caught in my mouth... like I can't shape them as I want to. Like I'm too scared they'll scrape on my lips and I'll fuck it up... and he waits. He waits like he knows. His head moves slightly... and I feel his eyes on me more than I see them. He's looking. I can't make out his expression clearly, but he's looking. He knows this isn't the end somehow. Yeah, I probably make a very shitty expression right now. 'Struggling' must be written all over my face and then, finally, they get out. Yes, they scrape at my lips and I blabber them at high speed like I'm eager to be done with this. To forget it. I am. I want to forget I ever said something embarrassing like that... to someone who doesn't exactly care the way I want him to.

''I want another kiss. I want Hundreds. No! I want Thousands... Millions!'' I actually expect him to speak. I want him to, but he doesn't. He smokes. He exhales and I could die on his lips... if only. I find myself getting uneasy. I play with the chains under my hand until I can't stand it anymore; I stand. I rush in front of him and his eyes raise to me, but it's not like he actually sees me. Not like I want him to. I want him to look at me with love. With so much love he can barely contain it. I want him to work hard and to make it seem normal under the radar, but to devour me when he gets the chance. I want him to open his eyes to me. This me. To see me like he once did... ''I want it all! All of you!''

Why is it that I have to say it all the time? Why is it that hard to understand?

Silence. It's filled with my ragged breath, because I've been talking and talking without taking a break to breathe. I said it all in one go and he still doesn't say anything. He sighs. He looks back at the ground. He plays with the sand under his shoes absently... and he's probably thinking of a way to turn this all into a conversation where he holds the control, but I don't let him. I can't wait anymore. I don't want to wait anymore... and I can't deal with this coldness anymore.

So, I do the only thing I can think of; I grab the chains of his swing. I lean forward. I stop the movement of his swing. I stare into his eyes when they lift, once again. This time, he sees me. His cigarette hangs loosely between his lips and I grab it to throw it on the ground. Smashing it under my shoes. I actually have every intention to fiercely kiss him right there, but I stop myself.

Stop myself before I make a mistake again, which is hard because I could totally see myself make out with him right here right now... or more than that. No, instead, I yell.

''Stop acting like it doesn't concern you, because it sure does!''

''I know it does.'' He finally says quietly and he tries to look away, but his eyes go back to mine like we're some kind of negative and positive pole. Then, he growls with anger. ''This is so fucking fucked up!... and you have no clue.''

''Eh?''

He sighs and it's tired.

''You're a shitty seventeen year old kid who knows nothing and the company I work for would love to put their hands on you for some additional knowledge about the Titans, but I'm in some fucking park with your face inches from my face... still not accepting your existence. You're a fucking shitty seventeen year old I met from my daughter's friend and you're barging into my life like a damned bulldozer... You don't listen and you stick like glue. You're not a bulldozer, you're a fucking mouse in the walls of my house!... So annoying!''

That's probably the first time Levi gives me a sight of him with honesty and I can tell he doesn't like the boost of confidence this actually gives me. I can tell he cares about my age a lot more than I do. I can tell it's a big thing for him... a big problem.

I smile at the 'mouse' metaphor and I lean closer... just a little to tease him. ''I feel like you don't dislike this mouse at all.''

He frowns.

''Shut up, Eren.'' I feel like the pause in the flow of the conversation brings the end of it and I actually think about moving back to give him his space and resume my teasing, but he grabs my wrist before I move and continues talking, so I stay. ''Hey. I wasn't going to act like it didn't happen, okay? So, drop it.''

Then, finally, he pushes me and forces me to take a step back, saying he needs to go back home. I feel like I can start breathing normally again... seems like I stopped under the pressure. I didn't even notice and I still have more important things to pay attention to right now... Like how he stands back up and walks toward the entrance of the park again. Slowly, like he's actually waiting for me to join him and I smile at the thought before joining him, with a boost to my confidence. Again.

''So, are you going to kiss me again today?'' I ask playfully after a few steps right next to him.

''No.''

''Aah... why not!? You know you want to.'' O-Oh... Please don't stop like that. Please don't look at me like that. It gives me the wrong idea... it makes me hot. Too hot. ''A goodnight kiss then?''

''You really are like a mouse...'' He says with a sigh, but he grabs me anyway by the wrist and forces me to turn his way. His. I know he gets on his tiptoes and I find it incredibly cute... and I kind of miss the whole 'kissing part' because I'm still focusing on his height. I mean, I don't miss it. It's just that, before I know it, his lips are already done brushing against mine. Already!? Damn it!

''Do it again...'' I plead softly and he groans something that resembles a ''No... and don't barge in without noticing me next time.'' before turning away towards his apartment block. I know this is the end of the conversation for now. I know he has to go back to his daughter. I know all this, but I still stop him by talking. Raising my voice to make sure he hears me. ''Do I really need an excuse to come here? Can't I just miss you?! Can't I just... want to see you?''

I don't actually hear him sigh, but I see his shoulders drops like he does. He turns a little to see me, even though we can barely see each other in the darkness of the night... and then, after what seems like an eternity: ''No... just make sure my daughter isn't there.''

The sky could light up, there could be flowers all over me... but it wouldn't express the way this feels to me. It feels like I'm on a high. Such a high, I float. Such a high, I can't imagine myself getting back down. Such a high, I feel like I can do anything. And, more importantly, I want him. Now. All of him. Any way. Anywhere. As long as it's him... and me.

And, trust me, the moment his daughter goes back to her mom... I'm in the apartment!

As if this isn't enough, he calls out to me again: ''Send me something... so I can add you to my new phone, by the way.''

I smile, a broad smile, like it's never enough to show how happy I am... Fuck. Yes. I don't even pay attention to whatever he said about his company. Or about how he still doesn't like my age. At this exact moment, it doesn't matter. I didn't come down from the high, yet.

''I will!''

Not yet.

-           

 

**You:** Hey! =) Look at the picture I just sent you!

**Levi:** I’m not sure I want to look at a picture called 'Magic Eren' to be honest...

**Levi:** At least I know who’s texting me, I guess.

**You:** Open it!

**Levi:** Fuck no. I don’t need to look at it to know it’s going to be a very bad selfie.

**You:** ...of me!

**Levi:** My point exactly. It is a very bad selfie.

-           

 

He holds me in place with his hands on my hips and he runs his hand on my back; up to my neck, my shoulder and my arms until it reaches my hand... to sneak his fingers somewhere between mine and the sheets I’m holding tight. His fingertips feel soft and rough. It’s different. I remember his hands after all the hard work; rough to the touch, but gentle. Everything else is the same from his kisses to the way he makes love... yet, it takes forever for me to notice. It’s not until I lift my head from the pillow to get on my elbows and take a look at him. I take it all in... That room. The dark headboard of the bed against the gray wall. The posters of some group I don’t know on the wall. The nightstand with the lamp and his cell phone right next to it. The books... Yes, the books. So many books. Perfectly piled up with a bookmark. A stupid handmade bookmark made by his daughter.

Right! His daughter...

I look through the door, but I actually realize this is fruitless. There is no daughter. There is nothing. The wall in front of me when I open my eyes is the white wall of my bedroom. Yeah, this is my bedroom with my bed... and it’s my own sheets that are soaked. Mine. It’s like I’m a fucking teenager! What the... Oh god. I sigh. I roll on my back, and out of the mess I just made.

-           

 

I had my share of fantasying over Levi for the past months... No, years? I can't say, but it was always the same kind of premise: we were left with just a little time on our hands where we would hide somewhere and fool around a little. The Stable. The Storage Room. The Attic. It was always rushed like time was short. It was. Once in a while, we'd have the time in his room, because his rank often left him with privileges. Then, it'd be at night. Then, it'd be longer. A lot longer. We would take our damn time, but... In the end, it always ended with waking up at three or four A.M. to avoid being suspicious.

And now, my fantasies were slowly, but strongly, taking another turn.

I was spiraling down into a brand new realm of possibilities... Of course, I had some short 'n’ sweet fantasy with him, but it was different anyway. It wasn't some closet somewhere where we'd make out; it was his couch, his kitchen, his counter, his bath, his shower, his bed, his floor, his wall. Plus, whenever I'd see the end of a night, it would end with him under the morning sun. No less. It was so much more inspiring.

So, yeah, that's how I ended up being a fucking perverted loser with Hannes, my 'dad', looking at me going up and down the stairs to do the laundry with all my sheets in my hand. I needed new sheets too, because the black ones I had... They showed everything little thing.

-           

 

''I wouldn't sit on Eren's bed if I were you,'' says Jean and it sounds like something that'd make my teeth cringe. It feels awful and I suddenly feel self-conscious. I changed everything yesterday and it didn't seem like I needed to do it again today. Did I miss something? Do I smell or something? Does it smell? Nah. It should smell like fresh laundry! Yeah? It should. I know I jerked off in the shower this morning, but it should be fine, no? Fuck. Is it this bad? I mean, I don't do it each day... Is there a normal 'pace' to this? Oh god!

''...Why not?''

I look at Armin and I suddenly feel like I should completely redo the bed when he looks at it... He doesn't get it. Yet, because Jean will totally tell him.

''I don't want to talk about Eren's sexual life, but...'' _You will because you're a dick_. ''He's a horny little boy right now!''

''Am not!''

''A-Aah Levi!'' He moans... if you can call that a moan and I sure hope he isn't trying to imitate me. Fuck. He bursts out laughing. Tell me I don't sound like that when I'm dreaming of this...

''R-Right. Whatever, Jean.''

''I loOve you, Levi!''

Err... Wait. Why is Armin making such an annoyed face right now? It's not like him at all.

''Just Shut the Fuck up, Dick!''

''I'm a dick-dick-dick...'' Talking like me is already old enough as it is, but the joke is never old enough for Jean. Even if it's turning sour. Really Sour. So, once again, he feigns being me and continues: ''Addicted to you!... Levi! I'm a slave for your kicks, come and give me a fix.''

Right, he totally needs to sing like a fucking dumbass, because he doesn't have anything else to do at this time... because his sweet little best friend SLASH boyfriend is working. Lame!... well, not that I'm much better.

I feel my cell phone against my thigh in the pocket of my jeans and I'd like to ignore how I'm just waiting for the authorization to come over to Levi's place. Yeah. Totally independent, right?

''Where is Marco when we need him to calm his horse... face?'' I call out as if I don't know and I totally expect the next thing he says : ''I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?''

I could laugh, because that's what he does all the time; seeing Marco at work. I wish I could too... I mean, that's so lame! G O D! Scratch that. I never said that.

By 1P.M., it's just us sitting in the yard by the pool with a medium Iced Cappuccino from Tim Hortons and it really feels like Armin is back to his old self; friendly, social, talkative. I mean. It feels like it, but it all turns sour _again_ when Jean comes back with his precious Marco to join us. They swim a little, of course, and when Jean proposes to smoke some weed before we order Pizza... It's back: The irritated expression.

''I'll pass.'' That's the only thing I say and it really isn't that quiet when I say it, but it was noticeable among all the cheerful answers. It suddenly turns quiet for real and I feel their eyes on me. All of them. There's a little bit of disbelief... and I see it again in Armin's face when I look at him.

''What the hell...?'' says Armin and I just answer the most normal : ''I just don't feel like it.''

When all I can think of is what Levi said when I was wasted... or how it ended. No. I'm not going there anymore. Maybe I just want to please him, but who cares? Of course I want to.

''Nah, he's been like that ever since he came back from _Levi'_ s place last week.''

Fuck you for already turning this into some ridiculous joke! Damn it. No one ever takes me seriously; this is so fucking annoying. First it's Levi and now it's Jean. Why can't anyone just let me be and take what I say for what it is!? Is it that hard!?

''That's not...''

''It is... So what's up, Eren?''

I really don't feel like answering and I don't really know why I feel like I have to answer it, but I feel like I'm caught in a corner. I don't have a way to escape this. Jean isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he's definitely not dumb either. He noticed my weak excuses all week. He didn't exactly mind, but he still saw them.

Armin, on the other hand, seems to mind when I finally give up : ''He doesn't like it when I'm wasted...''

''Uh? I don't understand... didn't you say you'd only see him later today or tomorrow? You'll be fine, Eren. Why can't you just do whatever you want anyway?''

Yeah, exactly... Why can't I? Why are you like this? You've never been like this with me. Never. You always understood. You were always the wisest. Right now, you're not making any sense!

At this moment, for once, he really doesn't understand.

-           

 

After the last bus going from Montreal to Longueil, I'm actually surprised to see Levi leaning against his car smoking a cigarette casually. He saw me, I know he did, but he doesn't move... as if he doesn't exactly care. He cares. If he didn't, he wouldn't be there with his car to pick me up. I could've walked. That was my plan, but he's here. Yes. He's here. I can't really control the smile that comes up on my face when I see him, or the way I'm almost jumping toward him.

I don't know why. It might be because I'm in a such a good mood, but he seems particularly gorgeous even though he's just wearing a worn out pair of jeans that's hanging out loosely around his hips with a t-shirt I know he wears for sleeping... as if he just got some pants on before he came to pick me up. You know, when I finally get him to throw his cigarette and look at me, really at me, I actually a little bit prideful to be the guy that's going to ride with THAT guy.

''I love you!'' I'm practically screaming, but I'm actually saying it just for him with a cheerful voice. He turns around so fast, it's actually a bit comical considering the mood I am in, but it also hurts... just a little.

Or a bit more than a little.

''Shut up, brat, before I change my mind and leave you here.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The Song Jean sings to Eren is 'Addicted' by Royal Rebublic. I will also put this song on my Tumblr, you'll be able to listen to it [Here](http://iplaythegayme.tumblr.com/tagged/song-list%3A-DSNW)
> 
> \- Tim Hortons is a Fast Food Chain in here that sells a lot of 'Coffee' and stuff like that. It's like a McCoffee thing in the Mcdonald. It works a lot here. Iced Cappuccino is a product they sell in the summer; it's like Slush with Cappuccino/Coffee Taste. It is very good.
> 
> \- In Montreal, bus usually end near midnight. If you want to go to the South Shore(or North Shore), the bus have quite some time between them unless it's weekdays around 7 to 9 and 4 to 6. Longueuil is actually a bus terminus. There also is a Metro. Transport on the isle is a lot more reliable than to get out of the isle. 
> 
> \- I kind of imagine Levi to live where my Ex used to live lol! and walking there from the Terminus is doable (even though I never did it)... and would, indeed, take about 30-40 minutes.


	13. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to write and update faster... I mean, I'm trying, but I'm not a very fast person overall. I get distracted easily. By everything. Blame it on ADD! Eeh. I wish I could get to know what each of you will think after this Chapter!... It might not be very long and it feels like not much happen, but there's actually a lot in it in my opinion! Oh well. I feel like this chapter is divided in two parts, which calls for two songs! The first song is all the beginning 'till the conversation with Hanji... the 2nd one for everything after that... and even after this chapter lol! It is going to be in the Notes at the end! ;)
> 
> You and I/Hold me tight  
> You and I/Gotta fight  
> You and I/Side by side  
> You and I/Say good-bye  
> You and I/Feels so right  
> You and I/Holding tight  
> You and I/Side by side  
> YOU AND I
> 
> I hope you enjoy this Chapter! =)

''Are you going to bed soon?''

It could have been someone else..., but I see _him_ leaning against the door. Eren Jaeger stands there. Eren Jaeger asks me if I’m going to bed soon without any shame, because he wants to _sleep_ with me. Again. He looks tired. He looks incredibly silly with some flashy hairpin in his hair to keep it away from his face. Silly, yeah, but kind of cute... kind of attractive in a weird way.

''Yeah... '' I’m coming to bed. I’m pushing you against the door you lean on. I’m running my hands on your thigh. I’m tracing the mark of bronze left on your skin by the sun. I’m lifting your shorts a little to explore the tender and paler flesh. I’m wondering if you wear anything underneath these. Ah, never mind. I’m taking both down!

...or not.

I could live with this. I can already deal with this question he asks me way too easily. I could live with my eyes lifting to his silhouette against the frame of the door with his colorful little shorts revealing long tanned legs... daily. I could deal with it turning into the kind of things I previously thought about. I could. I really could, but I don’t. It ends just like that with an empty 'Yeah' and he goes back in the living room to watch T.V. with a nod, after a few minutes of waiting without a better reaction. I bring my eyes back to the map I opened all over the desk, to the Post-It with the approximate dimension of the walls from one wall to the other; Leaving me with the remaining space left for Humanity at the time. I look at all the notes I started to take to help me 'place' the walls in the world; the mountains, the rivers and lakes, the types of vegetation, etc. For some reason, once again, I try to make it all fit in Europe; somewhere around Germany... or Russia. Each time, I can’t make it work. Each time, it’s like I missed something.

This time is no exception.

All the names make me think of Europe... German. English. French. There are a lot more than that. Of course, it would lead me there, but it also seems too obvious. If Humanity was at its last stand, maybe people from all over the world gathered in one place. They might have traveled a lot... from Europe to... well, to somewhere, but I always let my eyes wander there again. It could be there. It would make sense, but what about the ocean? Eren said he wanted to see the Ocean and I assumed the ocean was the Atlantic... or maybe the Pacific. Plus, when I actually think of the walls in Europe, it isn’t close to either of them.

..So, where?

-           

 

It’s almost 1A.M. and I can’t blame him for falling asleep without waiting for me, or going into the bed, I told him ''Yeah'' as in : Yeah, it’ll be soon. Not as in: Yeah, in a few hours. The lights are still on in the living room, just like the television. The menu of the Game of Thrones Blue Ray keeps playing in a loop. He lies on his back, sprawled on the sofa with his mouth slightly open. He’s drooling, of course. I knew he was lying the other day, but it makes him kind of cute in his own awkward way again and I can’t stop myself from covering him with a warm blanket... I can be nice sometimes. The blanket has a cute princess on it and it’s quite a sight to see that cute little shit sleeping all comfortable on my couch with a Disney Princess motif... I admit it; there’s a smile on my lips when I see him like that and I almost, ALMOST, kiss his forehead.

I don’t.

I close everything and I let him be, just like that, for my sanity.

-           

 

I’m in that state where it feels like you’re sleeping, yet you’re not. You’re sleeping, but you still know what’s going on around you. It’s a blur, but you get it anyway. That’s exactly what it is. I hear the door when it opens and I feel the bed when he slides into it without even needing to open my eyes to confirm it. I hear rustle of fabric and there’s a moment where he turns around in bed, but it doesn’t last. He turns one time, on his stomach, and then he stops moving and the room is filled with his calm and steady breathing... while mine stays uneven. Or rather, it gets uneven as sleeping slips away from me.

-           

 

I can’t sleep... Eren Jaeger’s legs are touching mine!

-           

 

The heat is perfect under the covers. Not too hot. Not too cold. Perfect for a lazy morning, if only it wasn’t for the damn curtains I left open last night when I went to bed. I was out of it. It was late... and I was actually pretty eager to sleep it all away. More like get Eren out of my sight. Whatever. It didn’t work very well since he joined me and was closer than usual... which wasn’t repulsing; let’s be honest.

It’s one of those mornings where it’s just too comfortable to move from my spot to close the curtains... or is it just the weight on me?

Oh, right. The weight. The heat. The fingers between mine like they belong there... just like his leg on mine. The hot breath on my jaw and my neck. If it was anyone else, and if I was in my right mind, I would push them away... but it’s you. It’s all you again. Just you. I don’t mind it, I really don’t. I realize it and it scares me, yet I find myself unable to move out of this position. I like it. I enjoy it. It feels great. I caress the skin on his finger absently. I move the brown locks out of his face and I look at it. I take it in; his average looking face I find so pretty without being able to explain it. I just can’t put the finger on the reasons... His eyelashes. His thick eyebrows. And... And... His big green eyes.

Oh! He’s awake.

For an instant, just a little instant, we look at each other like that... Startled. I’m sure it doesn’t last long, but it feels like an eternity. Fuck! I didn’t think he would be awake. I didn’t think I’d get caught for being sweet with him. I didn’t think I’d have to admit to staring at him, not even to myself.

''What?'' It’s rough. It’s ready to accuse. It’s easier like that... like he’s the one caught staring first when, in truth, it was me.

He looks at me... and he opens his mouth to speak, but closes it. The words get lost in his mouth and they don’t even get to come to life. I find myself doing the same when I try to give him excuses. Nothing comes out. His eyes speak on their own; he knows. He smiles with that little knowing grin he does sometimes and he looks at me with such affection; I can almost touch it. However, Eren Jaeger is the one to embrace it... All the affection he holds. He pushes himself up and kisses me... Softly. Sweetly. Lovingly.

He tastes like morning breath. ''You taste like shit.''

''Is this what shit tastes like?'' He answers... Smartass. He doesn't listen. He doesn't stop. He doesn't mind it.

So, I turn my head away from him; freeing my mouth. Just my mouth though, because he starts from there and just continues his path of kisses down to whatever is at reach. The corner of my mouth. My jaw. My neck. It’s different. It’s not eager, it’s tender. He sucks a little bit on the skin before moving as I squeeze out of his grasp... without really putting any will or strength into it. Not yet. It's not that I mind... not really.

I warn him.

''Eren...''

He hums in response, but doesn’t stop his little messing around. If anything, his hand slips away from mine and he tickles the skin of my stomach with how he ghosts over it... Not really tickling, more like a 'Shiver'. It stays 'fine', but dangerous. I roll a little to slip away, mimicking an attempt at getting away, and it works until his adventurous thumb slips under the elastic band of my shorts… again. I remember how he pulled something like this not so long ago. It’s just a little, but I know how he takes 5 times what you give him. It’s almost nothing, but I find myself repeating my warning slowly anyway and putting my hand on his.

''E r e n...''

I’ve been too good lately... I've given too much freedom. To him, sure, but to myself too.

''I know... It’s just... I won’t. I just...'' And he stays still with his hand on my lower abdomen. He snuggles closer. He buries his face into my hair. Into my neck. ''Can I?''

''Can you _what_?'' I sigh, but I actually feel like my breath is caught in my body. I hold it. I wait for an answer. I can't breathe. I just can't... and I don't even know what to do if this is the question I expect him to ask. Because, this time, I don't know if I can say 'No.' I don't know if I can do it anymore. Or again. I think I'll go to hell for this, that's for sure.

''Can I just... hold you?'' And I breathe. And he breathes too. I hear it. I feel it on my skin. On my neck. It makes me shiver. ''At least.''

It sounds like he wants me to see how he is a good boy; listening to what I told him. It sounds like he's reminding me that he wants more than that and... All I think about is: ''You missed your chance.'' and maybe a little of: ''Fuck you, Jaeger.'' Which is exactly what I had in mind, but whatever. Let's not talk about the disappointment I feel when he speaks; I didn't actually expect myself to react like this either.

''Oh... Yeah. Ok.''

He is a good boy. He presses against me. Behind me. Spooning me. There's no boner pressing against me. Horny teenagers, sure, but still a good boy. He's so tall... It's not like Erwin's huge body where I felt lost, it's just the perfect embrace to envelop me in. It's warm. It smells like him. It feels safe and I close my eyes... weakened against him. It feels good anyway. He said he wouldn't.

He kisses my shoulders... And then, Nothing.

-           

 

Did I say Lazy Morning earlier? It wasn't exactly my plan, but I guess it's a reality now. How can I fucking sleep with someone spooning me is beyond my understanding since it never went well with me, but I'm still squeezed against him anyway. I get to feel his whole body move slowly as he breathes against my skin. It's not too bad.

-           

 

''I wanna do it.'' He says. Simple. Low. It’s not a question. It’s a statement. He’s not trying to make me agree to anything. He’s just letting me know what’s on his mind... because he’s honest like that. He wants to play with his cards on the table, that’s just the kind of person he is. I like him for staying that way. I like how he thinks, who he is and much more.

There’s a pause. I realize he’s not actually talking to me. Maybe he doesn’t even know I heard him, but I speak anyway.

''I know.''

More silence. More pause. A longer pause. Did you actually think I would be asleep? Or sleep through this? No. No way. You know me better than that, I know that much. Sometimes, it feels like you know me like the back of your hand, it’s kind of unsettling... but kind of cute at the same time to see you notice everything. Every single thing.

You know I’m a light sleeper... You didn’t expect this answer, that’s all.

''I think about it, too... sometimes.'' I tell him.

He laughs through his exhale... and it’s a lot sexier to me than it should be, I assume. He doesn’t move. He continues to draw soothing circles on my stomach, my chest, and sometimes on my thigh, but he doesn’t get adventurous or overconfident. He doesn’t try anything more when I say that.... and it wouldn’t be so perfect if he did.

So, yeah, let’s blame it on how I just woke up and could be confused when I put my hand on his and lead it to my navel. I lead his finger down the thin trail of hair. I feel my own breathing caught in my throat, just like his. More and more as I lead his finger down my abdomen. I hear him call out my name. Levi. I hear him ask me. What am I doing? And then, because he isn’t dumb either. Are you sure? Yeah. Your hand is already under slipping in my boxers at this point and I don’t even need to guide you anymore. I won’t change my mind. I’ll just close my eyes... and not fully wake up or acknowledge it; it’s easier that way.

You know the drill.                                                         

He touches me... I breathe. He touches me... He breathes out loudly by my ear and it's giving me the chills. And, after I close my eyes to close myself off to the reality of the world, that’s all there is: Breathing. He breathes in and out. I follow the pace. He follows it; slowly, gently. There is hesitation in his touches and in the way he breathes, but he does it anyway. I ride on his exhale. I keep my mouth shut tightly, not letting a sound off my lips. He breathes again. Ragged. Rougher than he’d like it to be, probably... And again. It’s more certain. More firm. And again... until I have to hide in my pillow to maintain my pride. Until I feel my limbs shake a little. Until I come undone with a whimper I mute with the pillow.

The breathing calms down. He calms down too... His touch. His breath.

''Levi, I...'' He starts and his voice is hoarse. Incredibly sexy. I could turn around. I could kiss him. I could do so much. I could ignore his soaked hand. My underwear too. I could get him off. He could use it. I know. I want it. He wants it too. Bad. I actually feel like I need it to feel less pathetic. Like I’m not the only one in this mess.

I could flip on my back. I could open my legs and I could have him take me with such coldness... Empty and not really fulfilling, but still s-e-x anyway.

I don’t. At that precise moment when he gets his dirty hand out of my clothes and I get back down after the peak; I just freak the fuck out. Why did I let this happen? It’s just this. It’s not sexual harassment, I know it’s not exactly what is it. I didn’t force him. He did it on his own. It still is anyway. He’s too young. This shouldn’t have happened and I’m...

''I’m sorry.'' But you’ll have to deal with your freaking boner on your own, because I’m out of here and in the bathroom in a second.

So, how was it under Eren's touch? It was warm. It was slick. It was inappropriate. It was very appropriate... like it was meant to be him.

And this wasn't enough... It was far from enough.

-           

 

I can’t even believe it happened, it feels so far away... like a dream. Talking about it would make it real. He wants to talk about it, but the conversation is thrown out the window the moment he tries to get on it.

''Levi... about earlier... I...''

''...Don't wanna talk about it.''

And so, we don't.

-           

 

''I want to show you something.'' She said with a smile on her face before dragging me into the elevator again and, when she pressed on the numbers I didn't have the authorization to use in the elevator, I had a feeling... I had a bad feeling about all this.

She speaks of Titans. She speaks of evolution. I think of Eren. I think of how we fought so hard to get rid of what she calls 'evolution of the human race'. For an instant, I actually think she might be right. Ok, we might be able to use the Titan's abilities to cure people and help people through sickness. That's right and she doesn't mean any harm with the idea, I know she doesn't. She believes she is right and I want to believe in the future she speaks of... People able to regenerate and live through disease that would normally kill them, that's great and all, but... I just can't see anything good coming out of the Titans. Nothing at all.

I see pain. I see tears. I see blood. I hear screams... and, more importantly, I see him. I see the monster. I see a monster that doesn't exist in this world, in this Eren. I see the Titan he used to be. I see the killer he used to be. I see the tears on his face, the blood on his hands. I see his face twisted with anger, with fear, with pain. I hear his screams through the battlefield, through the night... through my night of sleep.

I can hear Levi, or myself, saying that we'll make this world a suitable one for him... one where he is happy. And I know I don't want the Titans to be part of that world. Never.

Yet, when we reach the destination of the elevator, when we walk through the corridor, when we stop, when she motions me to get closer to the ramp and to look down to the room below us; I see something I never wanted to see again. Something I never expected to see again. Something that didn't belong. Something that'd wake the monster in Eren again. Something that wouldn't let him be happy.

I see them… I see Titans.

Below my feet. Below the corridor. They seemed small. They are tied and surrounded by people to run tests on them. They almost seem inoffensive, but I know better. Oh. Yeah. I know better… and she should too.

She pulls me by the wrist and leads me to another section of the floor with a smile on her face. She leads me to THE room and I just know… I just know this room. No. This whole floor needs to be taken down. Destroyed. Null and Void. _Éliminer_. It’s not because of the sight of hundreds of people caught underground to run some test. I’m not such a good person. It’s not because of the bloody fighting going on either. It’s because of the teeth tearing through flesh... because all of them, they’re…

''They’re Titans!'' I don’t even turn my head from the scene in front of me as some of them eat each other out of hunger and despair. I don’t even need to look at her. I know she’s smiling with that creepy interested smile. Not because she’s evil. Because she’s insanely curious… good and evil don’t matter to her.

''They’re not exactly Titans… yet.''

''You’re making Titans… Are you insane!?'' It’s not a question. She is.

''As I said; they’re not Titans yet!''

''The Titans we saw earlier were very 'Titan-ish' to me!''

''Well, yeah… but they’re useless. They’re not like _them_. They’re not like Eren!''

Them? Annie, Bert and Reiner… right? That’s the kind of Titan she’s talking about… the stronger one. And then, Him; Eren who was 'made' into a Titan… a category of his own, but she won’t have Eren. If that’s the kind of extent she’s willing to go to with her experiments; I’m not going to take part in this. I won’t.

''But you can’t make Titans like them because you can’t experiment on them and you still can’t find the answers in the Replayer either.''

And if it stops her from turning more Humans into Titans, like Eren. That’s good enough. Eren wouldn’t want people to be like that… I just know he wouldn’t like it, but then she gives me such a happy response… just by the way she moves and waves her hand. It gives me the chills and I suddenly know it’s not as easy as that. It’s not done yet. It’s not just about Eren.

''Come. I’ll show you what I wanted to show you in the first place…'' she says and I follow her to the very end of the corridor. To the very last door. And, finally, when she opens the door; it’s like Déjà-vu. No, far more than Déjà-vu; it’s like it overlaps. For an instant, next to that shining crystal, I see Levi turning to me… I swear; our eyes meet for an instant before he’s just gone like he was never there to begin with. Now, it’s just her again. I remember a scene like that… a crystal like that and a girl like that; Annie Leonhart. I don’t even need to see her; I just know it’s her. No one else turned to crystal like that… and Eren couldn’t do it at all.

I get it suddenly. I get why Hanji was happy anyway, even if she couldn’t find the answer to Eren’s transformation… She had Annie. The girl will give her the answer… if she ever wakes up. Hell, maybe Hanji will find a way to break her out with the current technology. She could. I wouldn’t be surprised by it. She would be able to experiment as much as she wants with one of the strongest Titans humanity faced. That’s _if_ she could control her… _if_! But, somehow, after seeing all her installations, I didn’t doubt it.

Hanji would find a way... she didn't decide to show me this for nothing.

''You know; I’ve been thinking that…That Eren might have survived through crystal all this time… maybe he’s been hiding for years through humans. Slipping between my fingers. Out of reach.''

''He didn’t know how… He couldn’t turn to crystal.''

It doesn’t feel like she’s talking to me, not exactly, but it speaks to me anyway.

''What if he knew!?''

And I insist: ''He didn’t.''

-           

 

That night, when I came home and saw him in my apartment; where I left him, I wanted to tell Eren about the Titans, but I couldn't. I couldn't let him go through this again. His will to fight. His will to kill. I couldn't let them taint his whole life, his whole world.

Never again. No. Never.

-           

 

Eren is sobbing and it's a sight I never wanted to see again. Never. I remember a boy crying for his mother in the night. I remember hugging a brat without any words to make it all go away. Because his mother wouldn't come back. I actually expect this Eren to call out to her like he used to, but when he calls out to me... It's even harder on me.

''I'm right here.'' I groan while I turn to bring him against my chest without really thinking about it. Against my beating heart.

But this heart isn't Levi’s.

I ask him about it, when the morning comes... and he closes himself up. He says I can't understand. I think it's sad, it must have been sad... or painful. He says it's not. He says it's bittersweet. He says it's like love; bittersweet. I really don't understand. Not this. I never thought about love enough to call it that way, but it's not that it doesn't suit it. I guess it does. He says it's a story of the past. Therefore, it's not sad, nor happy. It's just a story.

Just a story of a dream; Eren Jaeger dreamed of...

''The shore.'' He says and I felt the words on my own lips too. ''I dream of the shore.''

He describes it and I should just try to imagine it, but I don't. No. It's right there and it's way more than some 'weak' attempt and imagining a place. I see it. He speaks of the wind. I feel it. He speaks of the sand underneath his feet. I feel it. He speaks of the salt in the air. I smell it. He speaks of the waves, of the water on his legs when he walks to it... I feel it all. I've been on this shore before.

As he speaks, I see him there... Dropping to his knees as his strength leaves him too, just like my dream. I search for Levi somewhere, but he's not there. The boy is alone. He calls for Levi, he does, but that's exactly why; Levi isn't there with him or for him. He is alone. All alone on a distant shore somewhere... next to the ocean; the place _he_ wanted to reach. Yes. He did. Not Levi.

''I don't remember it clearly and I was dying anyway, but I remember the horizon in front of me... At the end of the world; Endless.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _We know the prayers we prayed_  
>  _Feel lost like tears in the rain_  
>  _The water is pulling down_  
>  _The moon's eclipsing the sun_  
>  _The ending that we knew would come_  
>  _Has finally begun_  
>  AGAINST THE TIDE


	14. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest... I almost dropped writing this Fic in the previous month. I wanted to go back to it, but felt like it was useless to write it all down anyway. It took me a while to actually get back to it. It was kind of hard and I feel like this chapter is, kind of, all over the place. Maybe a bit rushed too, but I wanted to get to the next part soon. For my entertainment. And for yours.
> 
> I hope you like it... and I hope you're still interested in this!

''Tell me about Eren _again._ ''

It’s in the way he leans forward, in the way his head sinks between his shoulders... I know he doesn’t like my question and I’m too selfish to notice. No. Actually, I do. I notice his form and I don’t like how defeated he looks, but I’m just more interested by the information at this moment... than him. I make him go through it again. I make him repeat it as if I do not believe him... How did Eren die? What happened the last time we saw each other? I try to confirm the past he remembers is the one I see in the Replayer with a bunch of questions; like a quiz. I forgot how related they are... How Eren thinks it was him. I don’t want to get too 'interested' in him. I want to feel like whatever happened under the cover of my bed wasn’t anything special... even though I’m well aware it is. I don’t even know how I can still go on about this anymore. It just isn’t the same anymore... Not after _that._

I want to believe they’re different people... I want to believe I was just taking him for the old Eren when I guided him in my pants that morning. The truth is; I wasn’t.

''I don’t know what to tell you anymore...'' He says before retreating away in the hallway... The floor creaks under his footsteps as he walks around in the library and comes back to hide in my room. That’s ironic... _My_ room is _his_ safe haven. I’m the one who insisted and insisted on the old Eren until he got too tired to even bother. Too annoyed. Yet, he hides in my room, in my bed. I admit it, I pushed a bit too far... Since he touched me; That’s the only thing I had on my lips: 'Something-Something Eren' and not the Eren standing in front of me.

To him, even though it was a part of him, it probably felt like I was 'kind of' cheating on him. No. To be more precise; to him, this is probably a weird occurrence of jealousy... Jealous of himself.

-           

 

That day, even though Mikasa wasn’t back for another few days... and even though he said no one really minded if he wasn’t home; He went home for the night.

Oddly enough, at midnight when I finally go to bed, it feels weird to be alone.

-           

 

I get it. I’m insisting and it’s making him uneasy, but it just doesn’t make sense. I defended his truth in front of Hanji; I said with conviction that he didn't turn to crystal, because he's here and he's not a Titan! but I couldn’t be 100% sure. I was like 90% sure after what I saw in the Replayer though. Then, there’s Armin saying I died on that shore..., but Eren says it was him. It’s so messed up!

''This could be dangerous for you, M.Ackerman.'' The voice inside the Replayer warns me right away. My demand to jump forward in the Replayer’s Timeline isn’t the safest because it's unstable for me... for my mind and for my brain. Even with my synchronization rate; big jump like that in the time could leave damage to my brain. I know, but I have to... and I can’t exactly wait months to reach it normally. I can’t wait that long... not with Hanji being this dangerous. Not without knowing what’s going on. Not with everyone being in contradiction.

...Not with Eren sulking.

''It’ll be fine... Just search for _his_ death in the memories.''

For an instant, there's nothing. The world shifts and my world becomes white. Pure white. Luminous white. All around. Everywhere. I know this infinite room; the 'Lobby' of the Replayer. My impatience makes me feel like it lasts forever... Like there's no end to the wait. I just want to see it. It's not about seeing him, but seeing how he died. To find answers. To know who's right. Who's wrong. To know what I should be doing... even though I already know I'll take Eren's side in the end. Always.

''There is nothing I can identify as Eren's death in my database,'' says the voice coming from everywhere... and nowhere at the same time; directly in my ears.

I consider logging out and just dropping it. I expected this answer... I kind of knew I died before him. I just had a feeling after everything that happened and everything I've been told. But, No. I can't just drop it like that. There's much more I can find and I find myself stating my next request before I even start to give it shape in my mind:

''Bring me to Levi's death...''

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 07-20_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_The sand makes his footing uneven as he tries to walk... or is it because he is barely holding himself up? It's his leg, he knows that much from the overwhelming pain shaking his body when he walks on it. It's something in his chest; making it hard to breathe and sometimes, cough blood. It's his head; it feels like it's throbbing and threatening to explode. He doesn't know how many hours it's been. How many days. He just know he is starving and he is thirsty. He feels his skin tickle under the burning sun... and he probably never had a tan like this on his white skin before, but he couldn't stand the heat and he had to discard his worn out clothes along the way. Just like how he got rid of the gear since it couldn't work anymore._

_When, finally, he reaches the end of the never-ending forest... When, finally, he reaches the source of the sound, of the salty taste in the air; he sighs. He can't help but sigh. It's not because he is tired, even though he is. It's because it feels like someone had fun playing with him... and probably a little bit with Eren too. Because this, all of this, it's what Eren talked about ever since he knew the boy. It was something Eren craved. He wanted the world, all of it, but he also wanted to see the ocean disappearing and leading to undiscovered and untameable mysteries. It meant the world was even bigger than the one he could walk on... It meant there was still a lot to do in this world, a lot to see... And yet, Eren isn't here. He's the one still stuck between tall walls while he, Levi, who never cared for the ocean that much... He is the one able to witness the ocean in a straight line in front of his eyes, at the horizon._

_The water is cold on his skin, the badge he's been holding in his hand forever will never come back to the wall... and his promise to Mikasa would never reach its fulfillment; Eren would never hold it in his hands. Never. He falls to his knees at last, his strength starting to fail him. He walked forever. He gave up his gear because there wasn't any gas left for him to use. He gave up the idea of getting back home long ago... and yet, at this exact moment, for the first time ever since he knew he couldn't go back to the walls and would definitely die in this forest, he feels a weird thing creeping under his skin... in his heart; he feels lonely._

_Because, he knows... He just knows Eren should have been able to see such a sight. Eren should have been able to see him come back. Eren should have been able to have a good life... and he hopes he does have one; without him._

_He coughs again and it's a filthy red that stains the white sand, but he tries to keep his eyes on the blue going on forever in front of him rather than looking at the ground. Again and Again. Obstinate. Not listening to his body calling for a break. No. This isn't going to be a break, it'll be the end... if he lets his head fall down to the sand; he's never going to get it up again. So, he fights it. He fights until his whole body crashes to the ground. Until he is unable to spit the blood on the ground. Until the taste on his tongue won't leave. Until breathing is incredibly hard and painful. Until he can't even keep his eyes open or breathe at all..._

_Until he dies._

-           

 

My second request takes me a while longer to say... and it's probably because I still have Levi's death in me when I emerge from the Replayer after his death. My vision is blurry. My eyes are a lot more wet than I'd like them to be... and this request doesn't hold as much meaning or potential as the previous one. It's much more selfish than a search for information to lead me somewhere. It's just to fulfill a need; to get rid of the overwhelming loneliness left in me by Levi.

''Bring me to the last time Levi saw Eren...''

And so, finally, the world starts to take the shape of the one where Levi and Eren died years ago... At that moment, that particular moment. And I wonder as the boy starts to appear in front of me; if Levi knew.

-           

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 07-20_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_It's not that he knew or didn't. It's just that he was ready for it and assumed Eren was ready for it too. This time, more than ever, he felt like it would be the last time. He had always been ready to die on the front. He was ready for it and had been for a while. Each time they went out of the wall, he was ready to die. He acted accordingly; like he was going to die on that expedition..._

_He could still remember the feeling of Eren's hand on his skin from last night and he knew it was more like 'Love' than anything they ever had. Not because Eren pampered Levi more than usual, but because they pampered each other. In the morning, they didn't even bother with how it looked; they just stayed together a little bit longer and the brat was cleaner than he ever was from Levi cleaning him from head to toe... not forgetting one place. Of course. None._

_And now, he looked so good under the sun... and, while Levi wasn't sure he would be able to spot him in the mass, he found him right away. It was a familiar sight; The brown haired boy in the back standing on something, probably a crate. He was about one head higher than everyone else and his eyes were shining brightly in the same healthy green he knew. Levi remembered a younger boy and a excited voice for an instant; just an instant. And then, for another instant, he saw an older boy... a man that would come to be._

_There were no smiles. No kisses. Just a silent exchange in their eyes as they met... because there was no need for words. There was never a need for words before. Never. That was before. At this instant though, for the first time, he thought about those three words he never said to the boy. He hadn't said something important... and with the feeling that he wouldn't come back; He would never get to say._

_The boy followed. The boy moved along with everyone and got higher. Always higher so Levi could spot him... or so, he could see Levi go away. And Levi burnt it on his retinas; the brown hair caught in the wind, the tall figure on the roof of the closest home, the eyes shining with something... with hope and, finally, the lips curling to form the words he couldn't see, but imagined as: Take care. See you Later. Or, maybe, I love you._

_He could have been looking at Mikasa, just by Levi's side. Levi knew he wasn't the only important person to Eren. He knew the girl was just as important to Eren as him. He wasn't jealous or anything, their relationship was totally different. He knew Eren wasn't just seeing_ him _off, but he just felt like the words were meant for him._

-           

 

And, of course, it doesn't teach me anything... except that I wasn't anywhere near Eren when the boy died. Hell, how many months, how many years passed until Eren died? Was he lonely? He had Mikasa and Armin. Hell, that's if Mikasa ever came back from that expedition too... At least, there was Armin. Oh. Right. Armin Arlet, eh? _That_ fishy guy.

How was it for Eren after that?... Was it hard? What happened? Levi always assumed Eren was ready to die like he was. Levi always assumed Eren was ready to deal with the death of others... because that's what War meant and he was the first to make War with everything he got. And yet, when I think about, I really don't recall Eren ever being okay with anyone dying. Quite the opposite. He was a mess each time. He was violent. He was restless. He turned into a monster more and more each time... lost in his overwhelming will to destroy, to kill, to fight.

There's no way Eren Jaeger would accept _his_ death. _Our_ death.

-           

 

And I find out... I miss Eren Jaeger that night as well. Maybe a bit more. The bed feels empty and too big for just my little person. The rooms aren't as lively. The lights aren't always on somewhere because he left them on like a little brat. The T.V. is closed and it's lonely without his little laugh going off somewhere. His sigh. His voice. Even the eyes continuously on my back are missing.

I find myself wondering if this is what Eren felt like when he was waiting for Levi to come back, but I realize Levi never came back and it feels like my heart tightens at the thought. It's overwhelming and it's too intense for my liking. I try to make it go away, then I think of how he probably couldn't and it just gets worst.

-           

 

I do not want to give in and call him... so, yeah, I text him... _Don't say anything!_

I could apologize for making him upset... even though it's not like I was doing intentionally. I just wanted to know the truth, his truth. But the truth he wanted me to know was about him, just him; this Eren. The one in front of me. It's not my fault if he gets 'kind of' jealous in a weird way. I can't make myself apologize as if it's making me too honest and vulnerable. I make up excuses; true without exactly leading to the problem.

**Rivaille:** I have Mikasa for the next week...

**Rivaille:** She's going to be there on Friday.

As in; if you wanna see me, it's now or never.

I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to make him understand any... weird intentions. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to make him come home for anything sexual. Again. No. That was never my intention. It just happened, okay? It just happened. It was horrible. It was weird. I just couldn't enjoy it... well, not exactly. It just gave my imagination more to feed on now that I had the sounds of his ragged breath playing in a loop in my head... Imagining the rest wasn't very hard.

-           

 

I wash the bath and the whole bathroom twice; just to make sure I erased every possible evidence of what I did; naked... in my shower or in my bath involving my hand around my dick and his shitty person in my head. I think we all know what I did in there.

Let's be honest, whatever happened under the covers of my bed definitely wasn't fulfilling in any way... not to me, probably not to him either.

-           

 

He belongs. He belongs on my couch with his long legs over the armrest and his head against my thigh. We're not doing anything special. We didn't talk about _it_ yet either. I am not done trying to understand what happened to him in the past... because I trust the Replayer and I saw Levi dying on that shore; not Eren. It was us. Whatever thing he saw as his death isn't... Hell, maybe it's just the moment he reached the shore and, somehow, he doesn't remember anything after it? I really don't know even though I wish I did. I wish I could explain it... to myself and to him. I just can't. I can't even explain where he came from or why he remembered anything at all.

I do know; He is with me now, that's for sure.

Belonging. On my couch. With some silly manga from Mikasa's collection. With some frustrating tight jeans stopping just a bit higher than his ankle... and sitting too low on his hips to resist looking. It's not fair and I tell myself to stop staring or he'll notice, but it's kind of hard when his shirt lifts and lets me witness about 1 or 2 inches of skin. I can't help but drag my eyes over the thin line of hair disappearing somewhere under his clothes... Oh, God!

''So much happened to you...'' He starts slowly, quietly; like he's not actually talking to me... Yeah, he is though. It startles me and I'm glad he's obstinate about looking at his manga. I can still make it. I can still hide how I looked at him!

''What do you mean?''

His eyes lift to look at me at my words... and I'm ready for it.

''Just that; so much happened to you and I'm still where you left me.''

''Left you?''

''When you left me to go on that last expedition...''

''Oh...'' Fuck yes; Oh. Ooh! He remembers that too, eh?

''When I saw Armin, he was older than this me and...'' Wait. Wait! What? Armin saw him... ''I thought that maybe, just maybe, you and I could be of the same age if I found you again.''

And I thought Armin didn't know about this Eren. I thought Armin was in the dark. I thought he didn't know. I thought he had good intentions. I thought he wanted to protect, maybe, the memories of his friends when he was so 'mysterious'. Now, though... Now, he takes it to the next level. What else did he 'forget' to tell me? What the fuck!

''You're still so far ahead of me... You're older. You're mature and adult.''

''I'm not...'' I sure don't feel really 'adult' and 'mature' when I'm in front of him though... I feel more childish than anything, really, but let's not talk about how 'teenager-ish' he makes me feel. Let's not.

''You have a daughter... You had a wife. I was still a kid and your girlfriend was pregnant with your kid. I was still a kid and you had responsibilities. You had a life. I'm just like a kid again... a stupid kid. I know nothing. I don't have any experience in this life. None. I'm the same!'' He doesn't listen to me and he just goes on and on about what I have that he lacks... or, what he wishes he had with me, that he doesn't. He is bitter at the wife. He really is, like I betrayed him, which I didn't. His voice scrapes at the words: wife, girlfriend and pregnant. Again, he is jealous. Except he actually has a target this time. One that isn't 'him'.

And I get that, but Eren Jaeger feels like I'm ahead? No. I feel like _he_ is ahead of me in so many aspects.

''A lot happened to you too...''I start carefully, because I always felt like he avoided the subject a lot... too much. And this is already a hard conversation for him, I know it is. He is jealous. He is upset. There's no need to put fuel in the fire, but there's no way I can avoid the subject this exact moment... He was the one to bring it up. Not me. He discards the manga so I can see his face. So he can see me too. He doesn't move from his spot and I take this as an encouragement to continue and, finally, to talk about him. ''You're seventeen... a lot happens in seventeen years, Eren.''

Then, just then, I realize I shouldn't have use this wording, this syntax... He just snaps.

''I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER!'' He yells. He throws his legs over the couch to stand up. He walks furiously around the coffee table. He walks toward me... then, walks back; powerless. Like he's submitting. Like he's realizing how bad his reaction is. I just look at him and, for an instant, I shit my pants... This is him. This is totally like him to be too intense about something and to make people freak out. This is totally like him. He walks back slowly and he repeats, like he's trying to have a better tempered reaction: ''I don't remember... I don't remember anything.''

With each word, it gets lower... and lower until I can barely make out the words: ''It's almost as if I came to life on the side of that Road...''

I didn't expect _that_.

-           

 

This conversation, even though I had no clue where it would lead, wasn't one to have on a couch. I let it drop and I told myself he'd bring it up again... someday. He didn't. Of course, he didn't. Because Eren Jaeger is weak when it comes to emotions sometimes; like they're too intense for him to handle. And this conversation probably wasn't one he was ready to handle. I didn't want to bring it up, to be honest. I really didn't, but... On Thursday night, I couldn't really wait one week to know what it meant and I didn't want to discuss it over the phone with miles between the two of us.

It was now or never, so I do not join in on the spooning when I enter the bedroom; I just stand there against the doorframe and I go for it without much ceremony:

''Are you going to tell me what it meant before you leave this place for the week?''

''...What are you talking about?'' He asks sitting up in the bed to look at me properly, definitely not understanding what I'm talking about.

If he looked curious and kind of worried just a second ago, when I speak again, he closes himself up right away: ''You said you didn't remember anything... before an incident on the road, or something.''

''Oh...''

''Yeah.''

''I don't want to talk about it.'' He answers more calmly than I expected from his body language.

''I do... You can't ask me to just ignore something like this!''

''You can't ask me to _just_ ignore what _I did_ to you either!''

That's my turn to be like... Oh. Fuck. Yeah, that makes sense, eh?

''Fine. Let's talk about that too.'' Pause. Breath. ''After.''

''...Fine.''

''Fine.''

Silence. There's an actual awkward silence after that where he just drops back into the mountain of pillows on the bed and closes his eyes. An actual awkward silence where I refuse to move from my position in fear of switching the subject over to something else... than him... than this. And I expect him to be doing the same; trying to make some time to gather his thoughts, his courage and to go on with it.

I really don't know how long it takes, but it feels like forever before he finally opens his mouth to speak without looking my way.

''I don't want you to think I'm just clinging to you to fill a hole in my life... Because that's exactly what my therapist says and it probably makes sense to him, but it's not like that. Not at all.'' He starts with excuses, with justifications coming out of no where... before the actual bomb is launched: ''I couldn't remember what happened to me when they found me, but I remember things that didn't exist. I remembered the Walls. I remembered the Titans.''

Found him?

''I remember the dark of the night,'' he continues slowly with his eyes closed and I think of how he probably sees it all clearly in his mind in the same way I remember some particular things; with all the details. ''There was smoke, but it didn't smell. It was just there and it took a while for the wind to blow it away... and to let me see the stars. I felt like I knew the sky. Like I knew where I was, but I didn't. I was lost in the middle of nowhere and I didn't even know how I got there. I called you. I called for you, for Mikasa, for everyone... for the only thing that came to mind. No one answered, of course. So I walked. I remember the grass going up to my navel. I remember the feeling under my bare feet. I remember the cold, but I was burning at the same time. How weak I felt too... I felt horrible.''

''And you had no clue how you got there?'' Oh... Oops. Your eyes open to look my way. I didn't mean to interrupt you. It just went off on its own... and, to feel better about interrupting the everlasting description of that night, I walk up to the bed and cross it on my knees to finally drop myself right next to him. Our heads bump into one another. Our shoulders touch before I turn to my side... to hold my head with my elbow... to see him just there. I think I feel him relax slightly when I run my hand on his arm, from his shoulder and down till I reach his hand to hold it in mine. To caress the back of it with my thumb.

Maybe he doesn't relax at all, but I like to think he does.

''No clue.'' He repeats after a second or two... ''None. I was just there. My whole body was sore, but I walked until I reached something... anything. I don't actually remember walking a lot or anything really specific after that. I just know I lost consciousness at one point and I was found on the side of the TransCanada Highway with almost no clothes on, cold and definitely not alright, but I was alright. I felt good after a little bit of rest. I was confused. I had no clue where I was, but I was alright. I was healthy. I was homeless. They found a family for me and a therapist to help me. That was the end of it.''

And that's the shocking part about it... ''Didn't you try to know what happened?''

''I couldn't remember, Levi! I didn't know. I had no wounds saying anything in particular, so they assumed the story was something like: My parents abandoned me or something. Or maybe I was homeless teenager because I left home. They assumed I had been sexually assaulted because I had a weird behavior at times... and I was found almost naked. They assumed I had a memory loss because I needed to deal with what happened one way or another. They said 'Levi' was fiction... They said you were a symbol. They said you weren't Levi, you were just some guy I got attracted to and associated the symbol with you... but that's not true! You know it isn't! You remember too, don't you?!''

He gets intense the more he talks. He gets closer to me. He lifts himself up so his face is right in front of mine... forcing me to answer this last question clearly. Finally, give it a loud and clear answer.

''...I do. Kinda. Not like you, but I do.'' Because you think you are Eren. This story is exactly why you think you are him... You woke up. You knew nothing, but him. You assumed right away, that's who you were; Eren Jaeger. It all makes sense now and it makes me wonder what actually happened to him, but he closes the conversation with a little smile that makes me feel like he really is the boy I think he is; just another boy. Just another boy who looks like Eren. Just another boy who remembers Eren. Just a boy of _this_ world.

But he's not.

-           

 

That night, I'm the big spoon even though I'm the smallest and it brings back memories... so many of them.

-           

 

The article I find on the internet before Eren wakes up doesn't really say much. It speaks of a teenager found on the side of the road by an ordinary family. It speaks of the injuries, more like the lack of injuries. It mentions confusion, memory loss and the need of psychological assistance to get through this. I imagine a younger Eren seeing a therapist and getting upset. Hell, he probably still sees the therapist. I imagine a boy going through foster families one after another because he's not an ordinary boy. Not an easy one either.

I can't imagine his actual family as I keep thinking of how he used to call out to his mother a lot in the past... more like; almost every night.

And then, when I return to the library and to my world map; it just goes through my mind as an idea. Just a stupid idea. Without a foundation. Without much thought. Just like that. I reach for my tablet and for the coordinates where Eren Jaeger was found. It's stupid. It's not going to lead anywhere, but I mark it on my world map anyway... It starts stupid, but it actually leads me to place my plans of the walls somewhere around it. Somewhere where I initially thought it would make sense for them to be: North America.

-           

 

''Do you think you can keep Mikasa for two more nights?''

I'm actually worried she can't... or will refuse. I already told Eren to get his things from his place for the weekend because we were going somewhere, but I didn't even ask Petra before. I assumed she'd be fine with it because we usually just help each other out like that all the time. It's just that I usually have good excuses, but this time I don't. I have none. I prepared one, just in case: Work.

''Eh, sure. Ok. I don't mind... Are you busy recently?''

''...Yeah, kinda.''

''Do you want me to drop her off on Monday? So you can have Sunday too.''

''Nah. I want to spend time with her, you know. Sunday will be fine. I'll be there.''

I'll make sure I am... by the time she gets here at least. It's not like we'll spend much time over there anyway. I just wanna know the feel of the place. To see if it rings any bells... to him or to me.

''Are you going somewhere?'' She asks, interested, because that's how she is; trustworthy and good. Too good. That's why she never saw it coming when I came out to her about Erwin and my sexuality in general. Never. Well, it's not like I saw it coming either, but she's just too good... and definitely doesn't deserve me as the father of her daughter, as her friend.

She doesn't deserve the lies I serve to her.

-           

 

''Where are we going?'' he asks after fifteen minutes spent in the car without sharing much information about our destination. Just banalities. He asked if he could use his iPod for Music; I answered with yes... and I'm glad he listens to things I can handle.

It's about time I tell him.

''We're going to the place you were found.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Therapist... if anything; I think they do an amazing job. One I was really interested in when I decided which career I was going to pursue. There is amazing therapist out there, but there is awful one too.


	15. Eren

He starts the car and I can’t stop looking at his hand on the shifter of the car. Between us. Close to his thigh. To mine. I want to slide fingers between his and bring them to my thigh... or his. When his hand is resting on his thigh, I want to touch the leg under it too. I hold my Iced Cappuccino firmly to stop myself from doing it. To keep my hand busy with something. To think about my drink rather than think of how my hand probably belongs on his... on him in general. He said I couldn’t drink in the car, but changed his mind after a few seconds of watching me play with the straw. It started with just chewing, but I got rather bold when I felt his eyes on me. Well, as bold as I could with a straw between my lips. I tried. Let’s be honest, I’m happy it made him uncomfortable... even if it was a shitty attempt at being seductive. I’ve never been really good at being seductive.

I wish I was seductive enough to have _you_ , though.

Six hours of craving later, I’m hanging on... and I’m literally hanging on to my empty cup; trying to find something to say instead of letting this heavy silence hang in the air. I think of asking him why again. I rolled the word on my tongue a few times, but I didn’t say it. I couldn’t say it. I played scenarios in my head starting from this question where Levi actually cared about me: 'Why?' 'Because I want to know... and help you.' No definitely not. That’s not like him at all. Something else, then... more like:

''We didn’t talk about it yet...about what happened the other day.''

I’m actually surprised I manage to keep my voice steady like that. It’s embarrassing to bring it up all the time with someone who doesn’t seem to care. Seem is the keyword here. I’m not the sharpest that’s true, but I’m not stupid either. I know he looks at me and I know Levi doesn’t let everyone in like that. We sleep together. Sometimes, we hold each other. We cuddle. Even though he always tries to make it seem like it’s all me; my fault, my initiative and it’s all just to please me... Yeah right! And then, sometimes, even though he’s still having some kind of obsession with cleaning; we kiss. It’s not really the sloppy and wet kisses that turn into something arousing in movies and stuff, but STILL.

And yet, he’s there... sighing like this is such a bother. ''Do we really need to talk about it?''

We do.

''It was part of the deal we made.''

''Fine, and is there anything you’d like to say about it?''

I know. This question isn’t meant to be answered with a Yes, or anything. It’s meant to make me drop the subject. It’s meant to make me realize there’s nothing specific I want to say about it, but I refuse to let go. I refuse to submit because it takes me more than three seconds to think properly of a 'Come back' for it. No.

''Yes, there is. I know it was kind of weird, but I jerked you off.'' Pause. He says nothing. He just breathes out suddenly like he’s blurting out air out of surprise because I actually said it out loud. I made it real. '' _You_ came by _my_ hand. _I_ jerked you off.''

''No need to repeat it!'' He groans in response and I can tell I’m getting worked up by this... by him when my voice just gets louder and louder.

''I think I do actually... because I feel like you want to act like it didn’t happen!''

''Don’t worry... I know it happened.'' He says with some kind of weird giggle more like a 'desperate sigh' like: Oh God, I don’t have a choice anymore do I? Fuck no. You don't get to choose to ignore this.

''It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind... or what I planned.'' I start, but the truth is; I don’t even know where I’m trying to go with this. What am I trying to tell him anyway? This isn’t what I had in mind, please let me do it again? No. What about: What I had in mind was more like love-making than just coldly getting you off? No. I mean. Yes to both, but I can’t possibly say that. ''I didn’t want it to be this... cold-hearted. Quite the opposite. I...''

''...Does it matter?''

Do you really need to ask?!

''Yes! I can be what _you_ need if...''

''No. It doesn’t matter because it won’t happen again, brat.''

-           

 

''What are we doing here?'' I ask for like the tenth time since we left the comfort of the car with the A/C and started walking in the woods by the highway... in the humid and hot temperature of summer. I keep looking back, worried. What about the car? Can we even leave it there? Isn’t it going to look weird for a car to be in the middle of nowhere like that? Levi said it was the same as going out of the car to piss in the woods, but I think it’s an unlikely long piss we’re having. Kind of suspicious. Then, at the same time, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong, right? Apart from being on someone’s property without their authorization. This is trespassing, right?

''Hey, Levi!'' I call out to him because he didn’t answer and, as much as I like staring at his ass when he walks in front of me, I’m rather irritated by this. It’s not like there’s anything to search for in here, is there?

''...Why were you there in the first place? It’s not like you fell from the sky. Someone brought you there somehow. Or did you go by yourself before 'whatever happened here' happened? And if you were the one to come here; why did you come here anyway?''

''I don’t really get where you’re going with this... '' I admit simply. This isn’t leading anywhere... Why is this important? Is it because I might have been sexually assaulted? Is it because it’s disgusting? No, but then I can't really find any reasons for him to bring me here. Please don’t... It’s not my fault. I never wanted it to be like that.  What? Is it just because I don’t like people touching me? Fuck it. Ok. Maybe I overreacted back then, but that doesn’t mean shit! I don’t mind if it’s you... quite the opposite; I want it to be you. It won't change anything... I promise!

But then again, it’s not like searching here will prove anything so... what’s the point?

The ass I enjoy imagining under his dark jeans stops and I raise my head to look at him instantly!... in case he realises where I’m looking. He turns and our eyes meet. Cold steel eyes stare right at me when he speaks. Finally, he's looking at me... because he didn't even look my way ever since we got out of the car.

''It’s not like it all happened in your imagination, Eren. The walls. The titans. They were real.'' Pause. He just stands there; breathing and I’m focused on his lips waiting for the next word to come out for me while he puts it all in order until he turns around to continue walking. He said it all in just a few words and I want to kiss him so bad. So fucking badly. He believes me. He fucking believes me. He admitted it. It makes me a lot happier than it should..., but I can't help the smile finding its way to my lips slowly. I struggle to keep the love inside me as it threatens to burst out. I settle with a look, just a look at him. A Fond one. An affectionate one.  ''I searched for the walls on the world map and I kept thinking Europe. Always Europe, but what if the walls were right here? What if the _you_ before the accident came here for the walls?''

I feel my blood pumping in my heart loudly... erratically. He gave this so much thought and I know it’s not just for my sake, but it makes me happy anyway. What if... What if! So many of them. We might be unable to notice if walls were there before and it might be wrong from beginning to end, but it makes me excited. It suddenly gives a meaning to what happened here about a year ago. _What if_ it was just that? It suddenly makes me smile... stupidly. I'm so glad this isn't about whatever happened to me... Here. Once again, I want to kiss him. I'd make love to him right on the spot if I could. No one would know or see. We're all alone! ...but I settle with his hand in mine. He tries to squeeze out of it at first, but he lets me hold his hand at last and it makes me happy... even though it looks like he's just dragging me by the hand. It's alright, because I get to touch him.

_He can drag me anywhere to be honest._

-           

 

He asks if I remember anything... and I wish I could say yes when I see the way he looks at me. There's excitation. There's anticipation. He looks at every single rock in this field. He walks from one to the other while he looks at his phone and I just stand there like I'm part of the scenery. Do I remember anything? I don't. I feel horrible and I feel like puking, sure, but I am not remembering anything. I feel lonely. I feel the overwhelming urge to touch Levi suddenly. A lot more than before. I feel like the air is heavy, like I'm crushed to the ground by some feelings I don't understand. I just know they're there.

He comes back toward me... perfect and incredibly beautiful with the wind in his hair and the twilight sky in the back. He says something about how the walls could have been here, but I barely register what he's saying. He looks at me. He really looks at me. It's probably because I didn't really give him an answer. He looks worried. He gets closer. And closer.

''Eren... What's wrong?''

And then, I just know I'm crying _._

-           

 

I don't really know how long or how strong. I don't know when it started at all... was it the instant we reached the fields? Was it when I realized this empty space was overwhelming? No. I think it was after. I think it was after I entered it. I couldn't see anything, but I could feel it. I swear, I could feel the walls around me when I fell to my knees to puke. I could feel despair. I could feel my heart being crushed. The Pain; I couldn't get rid of it. I felt despair. And Pain. I felt anger. And Pain. I could hear Eren’s screams in my ears. I could feel him shake with rage. I could feel him struggle with despair crawling under his skin. I could feel him surrender... I felt him give up and I felt so much _Pain_.

I felt like Levi was gone... and I wanted to destroy the whole world.

It still hurts and I search for him right as I open my eyes... because I feel like I lost him and I'll never see him again. Like I missed him. It's him. Just There. Right there. He was with me all along. He's still driving and I realize his fingers are slipped between mine. I realize my hand is on his thigh and I actually have to stop myself from moving it. Because I want it to stay there. I wanted it to be there ever since we got in the car, Levi. I also realize it’s dark outside, which brings my eyes to the clock: 9:47. How long did I nap?

''It's been nearly one hour'' He says like he's reading my mind and I realize he's watching me through the corner of his eyes from time to time. Attentive. So fucking attentive. So fucking good to me... for me.

''I'm sorry...'' I mumble, but I know he heard it. He hums in response and I think he's about to move his hand away for an instant, but it stays right there; on mine.

This conversation and this subject do not go any further than this. I end right there with an apology he probably doesn't want to take, but takes any way to keep the quiet peace in the car. It just happens to be a moment where I feel like I need to talk to fill the silence. It's one of those moments where the silence feels too heavy to handle... so I say something. Anything. As long as it's not too dumb and it ends up being something practical most of the time... to make me feel like I'm useful.

''We should stop somewhere for the night to rest, I guess...''

But I know from the way he glares at me; he doesn't think I'm very useful and wants nothing with my 'practical' bullshit. Because, let’s be honest, he could use some rest after it all. He says ''No'' like it’s obviously out of the question. Impossible. ''I can drive back home just fine. If you want to rest, you can sleep in your seat... I don’t mind.''

I know you don’t.

''I want to sleep in a bed... I’m wiped!'' It’s not _that_ bad, but I am tired indeed and I don’t exactly want to spend the night in the car. I’d miss my last night of sleep with him because we were in a car. I don’t even want to look at him. I’m sure I’m looking bashful like a little kid... again.

''That’s what you get from crying and puking... It’s hard on you.'' Pause. ''And kind of disgusting.''

''You know why you really need to stop somewhere then?'' I ask. It’s playful. It’s almost teasing. It’s boyish. I lean forward in my seat to be able to see his face from my angle. His face _. His_. It’s stoic, stubborn, sharp and pretty. And I smile again. Just like that. Because of him. I think of his comment over his disgust... Just like _you_. Perfectly like _you_. I can’t bring the corner of my lips down. Just like I can’t get my heartbeat to calm down. I know. I don’t know what to do with myself, but I know. I just know; I love him. I love him so much it makes me stupid. I love him so much it hurts. ''To make sure you're clean... because I think I might have spill some on you a little when you helped me back to the car.''

You should see the way he looks all over himself suddenly like there's something gross on him... and then at me; shocking _._

-           

 

After one quick expedition to the drug store for soap, toothbrushes and all the essentials... We enter room number 4 of the nearest Comfort Inn Levi could find... because he wouldn't settle with something crappy. He mumbled something about filthy each time I managed to find a place to stay on his cell phone. I guess I should have known after seeing him being picky about a simple toothbrush. I should have known from all the cleaning he made me do in the past too. I should've known!

There isn't much to say about the room... Let's see; a very 'average' bathroom and bedroom to Levi's standard of cleanliness. And then, finally, I can't move on to the simple furniture because of the main piece: the bed. Yes. THE BED. Singular. As in; one bed. One queen bed. One. Just one. I know, we always sleep in the same bed at his place anyway, but he always makes it seem like it's my fault. It's just because I'm... well, I'm me. BUT NOT NOW! No, because right now; Levi, out of his own free will, booked for a room with one bed. Just one.

Thump. Thump. I feel my heart bursting and I walk the few feet ahead of me to get right behind him. And, finally, I hug him tightly from behind without saying anything. To be honest, I don't know if he knows why I'm doing it. He probably doesn't, but it doesn't matter. I get to hold his smaller figure against my chest. I get to breathe him in before he slips out of it... And I like to think I see him slightly flustered when he walks past me to get into the bathroom.

''...I'm going first.''

Next thing I know; the shower is running.

-           

 

It never bothered me before... No. It’s not that it bothers me. It’s just that it upsets me to be conscious of how Levi was in the shower before me. He was right there. He used that shampoo, that soap and that wet towel on the door was his. I’m not that turned on really when I leave the bathroom. I’m just self-conscious of him... and suddenly in a hurry to make him conscious of me like that too when he's around me. All because it hits me hard when I realize it: Levi doesn’t care about the room, about the shower, about me sleeping with him, hugging him... even kissing him. He doesn’t care because he still doesn’t fully see me as a potential life partner. Or maybe he does, but he doesn’t want to. He _still_ doesn’t want to. So yeah, when I leave the bathroom naked it’s not because of lust. It’s something different, more complex.

''What are you trying to prove?'' Is the first thing that leaves his lips when he looks at me in shock as I suddenly rush in front of him and open my arms like I’m screaming for him to look at me. Let’s be honest, I didn’t think I’d be _this_ embarrassed about this, but it seems very foolish and stupid right now. Very. I scramble my thoughts and I’m left with nothing, but stupid sound.

''You didn’t have to show me... I knew you had a dick.'' He looks at it... I swear, he totally does and I feel like it's definitely getting smaller every second, but then he sighs and turns away like it’s the dumbest shit ever and it’s not even worth his time.

''I... I...'' Fuck! What was my super intelligent plan again? And then, suddenly, it comes out so wrong... and yet, so right. I rush in front of him again and I shout : ''Look at me!''

Damn it! Stop looking away! I grab him by the arm and I expect some sort of fight, but he turns around to face me. His eyes shift down just for an instant and then back at me. It’s weird. He is weird. He spits words at me like venom, but it’s different than usual... and his expression is off.

''Alright! I saw you, now get off my case and put some clothes on you poor excuse of a man!''

It starts with : ''Fuck off, Levi!'' and then more yelling and pulling at limbs to force the other to look at them... or get away in his case. There’s a moment where I actually submit at putting my boxers on. His eyes on my penis were quite unsettling. Embarrassing, but kind of burning at the same time. He looked at me in a similar fashion though. Awkward. That’s the only word for it. Very Awkward. There’s more aggression after putting some clothes on though. It’s like there’s something in the air now. Levi won’t leave me alone. He pesters me about being ridiculous... and, more importantly, about being immoral. I don’t really know how it happens after that, I just know I lose my temper with him at the insult. As in, I literally lose it and I rush his way in a desperate attempt to make him understand. To drop it. To stop insulting me. Ok. It was stupid, but I figured it wasn't such a bad thing to do: to rush ahead.

Please, let’s forget about how it ends in a failure with my back hitting the mattress instead of his. I was suppose to look cool and to get the upper hand, but I don't. I pulled at him and I tried to move him, but he didn't. No. He moved me. He pushed me away. He pushed me on the bed with so much force. It was brutal. It was rough. It was surprising because Levi always contained whatever he really felt to the minimum until now... until now.

It probably shouldn’t make me hard in the least. Having Levi above me, holding my shoulders menacingly and telling me something like: ''You need to come back to earth! You’re seventeen for fuck’s sake!'' ... None of it should be exciting. Yet, it is in a weird way. I grab him with my legs to try some stupid move like I saw on U.F.C., but it doesn’t exactly end the way I wanted it to. More like I stop midway because. Oh god. What was that gasp, Levi? Make it again. And I’m probably mean because I try to reproduce it. I pull with my legs again. U.F.C. wannabe be damned, this is so... so... Something else. I try to feel the bulge against mine again and, more importantly, I try to hear his gasp in the middle of that.

He tries to move away... and I push my luck by forcing the friction to happen between us again... and again. I don't even know how I managed to talk, because I'm way too much into whatever is happening to my body, but I guess bitching and yelling isn't too easy to drop and my tone keeps as much aggression as possible.

''Why does it matter so much anyway?''

''Damn, brat!'' He barks; caught between my legs... and not even trying with all his strength to get away. Hell yeah. You’re not going anywhere until this conversation is over, Levi! And I push again. And it feels like I’m diving underwater each time because my breath gets caught in my lungs and this conversation doesn't seem to matter anymore until I emerge.

''Back then, I... I w-ah-as much younger!'' I continue. Unwavering... or, well, trying. And I feel like he’s also trying to stay the same. To give a warning.

''And the... c...context was different. We already had this conversation, Eren.''

''But I’m older! And you’re younger!''

''Get off me!''

Why are you trying to get away? Why are you being so complicated?

It’s a blur what happens next. At one point, I just know he’s biting his lips, but he’s not trying to push me back anyway. He’s just holding my gaze like he’s judging how serious I am with this. I feel like I’m the only one getting all worked up over something as stupid as touching each other through our clothes. Like I’m the only one lost in the waves washing over me each time. It could very well be, but there’s the flush on his cheeks... and the way he opens his mouth to breathe without losing my eyes.

And I want to kiss him. So bad. So fucking bad, but all that comes out is a husky: ''I want to do it... with you.''

''I could be fucking arrested for that...'' He says and he runs away from my eyes when he does. Like he doesn't want to deal with the consequence, because I know... and He knows; He didn't tell me no. He didn't deny it. He didn't refuse me. He just looked away from me and I raise my hands toward him to touch him and to finally force his head to turn my way. Force him to lay his grey eyes on me. In mine.

''I... I know, but who's going to report us anyway? Does it really matter? I'm going to turn eighteen in less than a year...''

''Don't tempt me, Eren.'' he warns me and I love the way my name and the letters roll on his throaty voice when he speaks. I love the way he looks at me, for once. Like he's finally seeing me the way I want him to. Like he's finally considering it... He calls it tempting and it works for me, but Fuck the temptation! and...

''Give in already! I love you and I want you... just you, Levi.''

''Eren.'' Warning.

''It doesn't have to be the past Levi. I want _this_ Levi!''

''Eren.'' More warning, but I never learn do I?

''I know you love me and I know you want it! I'm tired of waiting for you to come to terms with it, just admit it already!''

I'm glad I didn't listen to the warning, because... When Levi snaps, he pushes himself down against me roughly and kisses the living shit out of me. Yeah. Literally; the living shit out of me. I could probably describe that kiss and I'd use overwhelming words because it is... and I’ve waited for that kind of kiss forever. The kind of kiss that heats up and leads to more. I could, but I won't. It's kind of hard to describe anything past this point to be honest because it is what it is: overwhelming. There's Levi on top of me. There are his hands on my thighs; exploring them. Then, they cup my ass and they squeeze me against him. Finally, he does it all. Finally. F i n a l l y! The most simple gesture makes me hum under his lips like I'm trying to encourage him in doing it... and he doesn't quit.

He tries to get me near the pillow and near the headboard more than the end of the bed, but let me tell you one thing: I find myself naked before we ever get near it. I don't really pay attention to how it happens... and it's not like we talk. I can't exactly talk and I feel like he tries to stop me from talking. And I don't exactly feel like saying a word; as if it could break the moment. I know I'm the one to remove my shirt in a hurry and... well, most of our clothes before he could change his mind, but when it comes down to his pants... There is an awkward pause where we look at each other in awe; lips swollen and heavy lidded eyes. I lay there... naked and hard as fuck after all that dry humping I had against his thigh which is totally his doing.

And suddenly, I feel like he's going to run away again. I wasn't fast enough I guess and I'm crumbling with each word he says in a quiet voice: ''Oh God... Is this really- This isn't a good idea...''

After that, don't ask me what goes through my mind honestly; it's probably rage that makes me stand up and push him around to reverse positions... and then, the rage turns to something else... more sexual. Or not. Because I can't say I'm really gentle when I pull his pants down and free his cock. Yeah, because you can't fucking tell me this hard on is an accident Levi! Fuck you!

''If it bothers you that much... Then I'll do it.'' I tell him when I finally get the sight. Finally. FUCKING FINALLY. He's right there. He's naked and I trace circles all over his skin in a soothing manner... while I take him all in. Him. Just him. He's thinner. He's skinnier. He's different and Levi wasn't that hesitant... or was he? But he is still so beautiful, I'm never going to get tired of him. Never.

''...What do you mean?'' He breathes the words; at last and it feels like I could ride on them. So warm. So hoarse. And kind of uncertain when he asks me that; like he knows, yet doesn't admit it. I love that voice and the mouth it came out from... and him. Just him.

So I hide my face in the crook of his neck and I lay against him... gasping a little when we touch even though I was the one to push my lower abdomen against him. I'm not going to say it's like our bodies match each other, because they don't. It's just me thinking they do, because my face fits there in that little space. It's just me thinking they do because I hear the way his breathing is uneven for an instant and not just because of the way our bodies touch... It's because he knows what I meant.

''...Ok.'' He breathes out again and I kiss his neck... and I let my hand wander between our stomachs. I brush against him intentionally, but I slip between his legs instead... Further. Further. And he tries to block my access with a weak: ''Wait... Not like this.''

I lift myself up a little to see him... and I stop my exploration for an instant, just an instant. ''Not like this?''

''Let me turn around.'' Wait what? ''...on my stomach.'' You must be kidding. Fuck that. I want to see you. I want to be close to you. I won't settle with anything less! Why would you... Oh. You're looking away. You're hiding. You're _still_ hiding... and I won't let you discard this like you did before, Levi. I know how you get away with this now and it won't happen again. This isn't what I want... I want you. You. You. _You._ You can't be trying to flee while I'm having you. This is so...

''Unfair.''

''What?''

''You're not fair!''

''What the...''

''I want to see you. I want to hold you... And I want you to see me when we're doing it!''

There's a pause. It feels like eternity. It probably is an eternity until he finally submits and lets me get the closest thing to a moan I’ve ever gotten from him _yet_. It feels like an eternity again before he's finally ready and I push into him like my rollercoaster finally starts the descent abruptly. I hold my breath until I'm ready for the rise again. Rise and fall. Up and down. It all started with me removing is pants roughly and it stays an intense ride where I feel like I ride on his breathing more than anything else, but I ride anyway... and I'm more of a lover than a simple fuck to be honest. I find his eyes in a blur of sweat... and he finds mine. I find his hand in a blur of flesh. I find his lips in a blur of exhale and inhale. Sometimes, I feel like I'm breathing him. Literally am. I find his _everything._

And then I realise I might be having sex for the first time in this life, but it doesn't matter because we're still a part of 'us'. And then I realise I'm just having sex with him, but it means the world to me and I make it something special... I _try_ to make it into something special. Something magic.

And it is magic when he comes undone and brings me over the edge... His grip on my hair never felt this tight. His fingers on my skin never felt this hot... and my name never seemed that great until he says it with a whine out of this world.

... but, we're not done yet.

-           

 

I come to realize; Levi swears a lot and it makes me smile proudly each time I get a broken : 'Fuck!' from him. It never fails me _._

-           

 

''I'm too old for this!'' He says when I'm caressing him more than I'm scrubbing him... or myself like I'm supposed to do, but the 'No' turns into a yes quicker than I even suspected and it's oddly arousing to see myself pounding into him in the mirror... with my knees getting weak, with my fingers wrapped around his erection and my hand on his hips. It's even better when he raises his head and pushes the hairs away from his face, because I get to see the faces he makes.

-           

 

He slaps my curious hand away from his stomach, because he knows I've been unable to keep my hands off him ever since we started this. As in, completely unable to do it. I've been looking at the curves of his lower back and then his ass while he lays on the bed. I've been looking at the way his chest keeps rising and then falling in rhythm. I've been looking at his face with his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted to let the heavy breathing out and I couldn't really keep my lips away from him and my hands to myself. I had to be close to him. To touch him.

''Damn it, Eren!...'' He mumbles against the pillows... and we might be done for now at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! It's finally out of my System! ahah! About time! ;)
> 
> I hope you liked it... and aren't disappointed by the lacks of 'details'. I tried to leave stuff to your wild imagination and only went through the basic! I mean... Smut is what it is; I always feel like there's not much to say about it and I find it incredibly hard to write somehow because I always try to get out of the pattern... but fail. So this way works for me! =) I'd really like you to share your thoughts with me, but I'm know I won't get any...! lol xD I don't know if that's a good sign of a bad one! lol!
> 
> The song this time is : Everything's Magic by Angels and Airwaves...!  
>  _So hear this please_  
>  _And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly_  
>  _And look for the stars as the sun goes down_  
>  _Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound_  
>  _Everything, everything's magic_  
>  _Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight_  
>  _Prepare for the best and the fastest ride_  
>  _And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine_  
>  _Everything, everything's magic_
> 
> Should I tag this as explicit now? O.o' It's not really explicit, is it?


	16. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this to be 1 chapter... and told by one person, but there was some stuff I couldn't let Levi explain. Same with Eren. So, I decided to split it in two. This chapter and the next one are incredibly short (mostly the next one) but they go in pair! ;) After Chapter 17, there will be a time skip of a few months. It'll be Winter with all the Snow! Yay! =)

How long did we sleep? I see the sunlight between the curtains, but I feel like I didn’t sleep at all. I’m sore. I’m incredibly sore. I’m cold. I’m naked with no blanket on me. Plus, it feels lonely in the wide bed like that... when we sleep so far away. It reminds me of all the empty mornings where Erwin left me in a bed too big for me. And, let’s be honest, it happened way too often to my liking even though I was fine with the low amount of cuddles we got. I was never the type to cuddle... or so I thought, since Petra and I didn’t cuddle much either. Yet, right now, at this exact moment when I wake up; I need cuddling a lot more than I ever did. I just didn’t have the right person for it until now, I guess... because when I find the mass of blankets on the bed, I sneak up to it until I can touch the warm body under it. I could very well lie to myself and say something like: I just felt cold and wanted to get under the blanket too. It would be a possible explanation, but it’s not the right one. I sneak under the blanket for him. For Eren Jaeger.  He hums sleepily when I wrap my arm around him as much as I can considering the foetus position he’s in.

He gently brings my hand to his lips to kiss it. I feel a smile against my skin and it feels great to be _kind of_ a big spoon to his little spoon, even if he’s more of a big spoon than a little one, but whatever.  He says:  "...Morning, Levi."

The way he says it; it’s sweet and loving. I drop a light kiss on his back at the nape of his neck as an answer, because I don’t feel like talking and waking up fully yet, but then he has to break the peaceful moment because of his stupid hormones. Yeah, because there wasn’t anything sexual in the way I kissed him or snuggled behind him... well, save for the fact that my dick was pretty close to his naked ass. Still. It wasn’t sexual at all, but grinding against my groin for a few seconds made it quite sexual easily.

Did I say something about how he fucked the moment up? Never mind that.

"I thought you would give in..." He starts very low... I have to pay attention to actually get every word he says shyly. "And I thought you’d take me at least once. I wanted you to do it... And I thought if I pushed you far enough you would, but you didn’t even wander there..."

That’s true; I didn’t and it’s not because I didn’t want to. I was haunted by the memories of Levi actually topping Eren and I felt the overwhelming urge to do it... and he might have been so fucking insatiable because he couldn’t feel quite satisfied either. Maybe. I wouldn’t know.

"Stop it, Eren... " I groan because he isn’t stopping his teasing movement and I know him better than that; I know he won’t stop. It’s Eren Jaeger we’re talking about here.

''I wanted you to do it...'' He repeats with something pleading in his voice like he's asking for it right fucking now and... I guess I fail at fighting back with a negative answer. Let's be honest, it's not like I don't want to and I can't make the words come out with assurance, so I just back up in the bed to get out of it; out of his reach. I hear him groan and peek outside the comforter to look at me. His intense green eyes on my naked self... and, more importantly, on my hardening member. He smiles like a little kid getting exactly what he wants and throws the comforter on the floor with his legs as he reaches out to me before I get too far away from him... and then, when I'm standing close to the edge of the bed, when he gets a good view of my face; he says:

''You look so tired... You look like shit.''

"What the... " _fuck!?_

I can feel the giggle in his voice, but it doesn’t change what he just said. What the actual... fuck? I’ve let him see me in a bunch of very unflattering angles and expressions... and he’s going to tell me now that I look like shit? What was that thing about considering I just didn’t have the right person before? Fuck that. No one ever told me I looked like shit in the morning. He looks at me with mischief written all over his face and I’m really not in the mood for this kind of thing right now. It’s too early in the morning and I’m too tired for this, but he laughs and it’s a sound I can’t get out of my mind... the way he laughs like a little kid and reaches out to get a kiss out of my lips. It’s pure and innocent... and he stops laughing to ask; seriously:

"Can we die if I have sex with you too much?"

Fuck you and your little kiss... you can kiss my ass, that you can. I'm done.

"First, you insult me and now this... Where did that even come from?" Pause. He doesn’t even find something to say back to me. He just holds my gaze with a little smile showing at the corner of his lips. "Heart Attack, maybe? But you’re young and healthy, so it would be very surprising... I don’t know. I’m not sick, if that’s what you wanted to know."

...which is kind of insulting if that’s what he really meant and the harshness shows in my voice when I speak. Truth be told _, I_ should be worried about it a lot more than you after knowing where they picked _you_ up... and what possibly happened to you. And _I_ didn’t even start to think about it yet... It didn't even cross my mind when he was inside me, which is kind of surprising considering how I'm so focused on everything being clean. He had a nice cock with a good size and a healthy pink color, the rest went to hell.

''That's not what I meant...'' He starts, but I'm not staying for it.

I'm getting away from the bed again, away from him, but he grabs my wrist once more and pulls me along with him onto the bed again... The position is familiar from the one we were in when it all started with me on top, and I'm ready to get off before he says more fucking nonsense, but he cuts it all short by locking me between his legs ... He raises his upper body with his elbows and he says looking straight to my face:

''That's not what I meant...'' He repeats with confidence, but then the confidence crumbles when he continues at an overwhelming speed, like he’s trying to end it before he can stop himself from saying it: ''More like; Fuck! I'm wondering if we can die from exhaustion!... because I want you bad and... I sure as hell want to do it again.''

He smiles, but it still doesn't hide the flustered look he wears when he looks down and I find myself following his gaze to his stomach and to the 'nice cock with a good size and a healthy pink color'... add hard to that too.

''And you make me excited whatever you look like.'' he adds with a little smile and a hand wandering down his own stomach... Urgh!

I say : ''You're crazy and we don't have time for this... We should be preparing to leave,'' to which he answers with a knowing smile... and he reaches for my own member to give it a half-assed tug. His smile widens, of course, because, let's be honest; I'm more than ready for this.

-

 

"Shit." And here it goes, I’m swearing again. He pushes his head back against the mattress as he bites his lips, but he still looks at me through his eyelids... His naked chest rises on inhales and my hands are on his hips, to hold the position. It is quite the sight to be honest. With the way he spreads his legs and keeps one of them resting on my shoulder to let me have better access, he is quite the sight to take in... And I do take him in while we both get over the discomfort. Yeah, because I succumbed to his advances and this position is what you think it is, I am literally _in_ him right now. I have been for just a minute and I really don’t know how this is going to be because this isn’t exactly fun right now, but still. He is incredibly tense and every muscle is rigid... from his jaw set at biting on his lips to the leg next to my head passing by the muscle on his stomach. And, of course, he is tight as fuck. I don’t even know how I managed to put it in.

His grip on my arm is quite intense and I actually wonder if he is ever going to let go a little... I mean; I understand that it is this body’s first time, but we’ve been fooling around a lot to prepare him before and he was doing fine with my fingers... If he’s waiting for it to feel good right away just because I’m in; he’s going to wait forever.

"Eren... Calm the fuck down, I feel like you’ll crush my dick."

He smiles... No, he laughs and it gets even tighter when he does. It’s not that I dislike it, but when we’re not moving; it’s just a tightness that’s kind of uncomfortable. Yet, Eren doesn’t relax. Not one bit. So, I draw circles on his skin and I kiss whatever I can reach in this position to take his mind somewhere else... and it works, but takes a few minutes of light touches, of kisses and of sweet talking him into relaxing a little.

He pushes on my stomach to make me move and to emphasize his statement. "I’m good... Move." That’s all it takes really. I pull back... almost entirely out and I push back in carefully to let him get used to it. 1st time; he breaths out loudly when I’m fully in. 2nd time; it gets louder, but his face keeps that expression where he looks not quite comfortable... and I’m kind of impatient I guess, because I want to make him feel good sooner than later. I grab his hips softly to change the angle... just a little by lifting his hips up. 3rd time; it seems to be better. I think I catch a little choked moan in his inhale. 4th time; I guess this one does it. He finally let out a little moan and he tells me to go faster somewhere between a few heavy breaths. And, of course, I hear his request.

Well, I hear his request for like 10 seconds, before I stop abruptly to a loud ringtone coming from my phone on the nightstand. Eren. Cellphone. Eren. Cellphone. My eyes keep going between them and I admit that it is quite tempting to just continue what we were doing until I get my fill of his breathless moans, his pretty eyes on me, his body bouncing on the bed and his tanned body under my white hands... And yet I keep looking to the phone, because I know it’s either Mikasa or Petra. I can’t disregard this and he knows what I’m thinking because he looks like he’s going to kill me if I dare stop to answer.

-

 

In the end, Eren doesn’t kill me... but he makes it quite clear that he came without me while I was on the phone, which is kind of killing me in its own way.

Let’s say I’m not in a really good mood.

-

 

''And yet... You look so fucking good.'' he mumbles suddenly from his passenger seat and I can't really help but turn my head to give him a look. I... I look good?

What the fuck is going on in his head this morning?

''Wait... What?'' You seriously need to open your eyes or see yourself in the mirror because _you_ look good. I'm average. Hell, some might even say I look kind of bad. Short. Pale. Sharp features. Thin lips. Straight nose. Little eyes. I almost don't have any facial hair... and I look like I'm just an angry guy. In french, they call girls like that: ''Une fille mal baisée'' and the most literal translation would be something like: ''A girl who had no good fuck in a while.'' Considering how I was turned into a mess by Eren in the last few hours, I'd like to think that's not my case.

...but I'm still a grumpy average looking guy.

''Earlier, when I said you looked like shit... and then, just now, because you look upset... I look at you and I still think you do..."

There's a little smile on his lips and he looks down at his hands on his knees... and he looks sweet. Very sweet. Kind of endearing. And, of course, very cute... The usual.

''...and I like you a lot.''

And, me, I don't need to answer that. I don't have any answer for that. I know already. I know he wants to say love, but he doesn't say it because he knows it's too much for now. It feels like a regression, because I've heard him say: ''I love you.'' before. I just never took it seriously. I didn't want to see it as something serious.  This isn't a regression. To me, at least, it isn't. It's progression; because I accept his 'I like you'. I reach for his hand on his knee and I hold his hand tightly in my hand to let him know... I know. I know and I accept it. I know, I accept it and I return the feeling... It's just that I can't manage to say it out loud. It's been a while, but let me be honest; I like you too. You know already.

We've never been good with words and we never said those three words...

Two lifetimes later, I find myself unable to say it out loud, unwilling to make it real... with no more coming back. I can't, but I hold his hand in mine through most of the ride. While the first ride was quiet, this one is more lively. The car is filled with Eren's voice over the music playing in the background and I realize I don't mind at all. More than that, I realize I don't want him to leave when I park the car in front of the apartment. I'd bring him upstairs and I'd touch him again... and again. I'd kiss his tanned chest. I'd follow the light trail of hair down into his pants with kisses. I'd bite his thigh. I'd leave marks on the flesh at his hips. I'd love the feeling of his fingers in my undercut. I'd let him push my head further down when he wants more and I'd stop myself from choking, but I wouldn't complain... because I wouldn't mind doing it and hearing all the dirty little sounds he lets out of his pretty mouth. Yeah. Definitely wouldn't mind.

... and maybe I'd finish it all by taking him.

That'd be cool, but I should probably tell Petra I'm home now. It's late, but she can still drop Mikasa and I'll spend the evening with my little girl... as a responsible person. There's one thing we do in the car though. Fuck the old woman living next door and her report to Petra. Unbuckled and leaning across, Eren smiles under my lips when I kiss him. He exhales sharply when he moves out to breathe and I can only assume he'd be down to go upstairs as well, but he comes back to my lips and it stays that; a kiss. A normal kiss. As in, let's not take this too far. And honestly, I just feel like kissing him some more when I move my head back again... when he speaks against my lips, bashful:

''See you in one week...''

I nod and I almost lose myself in his eyes, but there's something in the background, outside the car, by the door to the building to protect themselves of the rain falling down... and my eyes linger. No, that's an understatement, they stop there and all I can find myself saying is: ''Fuck!''

There's a rush in my blood and I panic. I push Eren and I get out the car as fast as I possibly can. I almost strangle myself with the belt, but whatever... because I know who that is by the door. Golden hair... and eyes. Short. Next to a black haired teenager almost as tall as her. She crosses the distance between us with _that_ walking pace; the one she has when she's upset. I vaguely hear Eren leave the car behind me, but my eyes are stuck on her, because I know. Oh Fuck, yes I know. I imagine their conversation going like : ''Who's that in Papa's car?'' ''Oh... It's a friend. It's Eren.'' And then... they witnessed it; how I kissed Eren, how I ran my fingers through his fluffy hair, how I kept him close to me and how I looked in his pretty eyes like some goddamned love story. They saw. They fucking saw it.

''Listen Petra.. '' I start, but she doesn't have any of my shit right now... She stops a few meters from me and she points a finger to Eren in an accusatory fashion... ''What the fuck is going on here, Rivaille!? You make me wait here and you're not even here when you said you would be... And I find you making out in your car with a teenager.''

''This can hardly be called _making out_...'' I object, but she doesn't let me place a single word. She cuts me right away and dismisses whatever I was trying to say by waving her hand.

''...with our little girl's friend!''

''Damn it, Petra! This isn't what you think is it!''

''Whatever it is, you are out of your mind if you think you can go out with our daughter's friend!''

''We're not going ou-'' I start in an attempt to speak again. And, of course, I'm interrupted once more. Although this time it's not Petra’s voice ringing in my head because it is so loud... so overwhelmed with wrath. It's _his... He screams._

_He fucking snaps._

''SHUT THE FUCK UP!''

Wait... what? Did you seriously scream, brat? This isn't helping at all. Petra stares at him and suddenly her expression changes from frustrated to... I don't know; something like concerned. I want to ask what's wrong, but I don't get the chance to... she neither. She starts with : ''You...'' but the words get lost on her lips when he speaks again.

''Fuck you, Levi... Fuck you!'' He keeps going... and going with his finger switching from pointing at me... to Petra. ''And you; You don't understand anything at all. Stop talking shit about Levi when you hardly know what's going on... when it doesn't even concern you anyway!''

Stop... Stop... Stop. You don't even know either. This might be my ex-wife, but I like her... and she's right. Stop yelling. Stop being so loud and imperative, like you know better than anyone else. Just... ''Stop, Eren.''

''What!? I am not stopping! You're being a freaking asshole to me again...''

''I'm not...'' Ok. Maybe I did deny quite furiously our 'relationship', but we will talk about it later. Just you and I. ''Anyway, I told you to stop... just go home, I'll take care of this.''

It seems to me like he almost jumps on me... touching me, shaking me lightly and still incredibly obstinate and loud: ''No way!''

''Eren... '' I start and I really try to keep my voice even and cold, to be the mature guy in here... because he's not. ''Give me space... I told you to go home; Go home already!''

I don't like what I see, trust me. I think I'd have the same expression if I had pointed a gun at him and shot. He walks back slowly and he looks like I've let him down, like I've destroyed him... and maybe I did. Probably, but I can't have him here to deal with this when he's so explosive. He backs off slowly and he fucking throws my bag at my head like he doesn't care if I take it in the face (which doesn't happen because I catch it before). Then he yells some more: ''Fuck you, Levi!''... before running away and I can't tell if he was crying or if it was just rain on his face.

I feel like it lasted forever. In this lifetime and the previous one, we always liked each other. Even I did. And yet, my relationship with Eren... assuming we can say we had a relationship starting last night, it all lasted less than 24 hours. Less than fucking 24 hours. I fucked up in 24 hours.

I notice Mikasa's eyes following Eren as he runs off to the bus stop probably... and the way she looks at me, like she's getting upset with me, but it surprises me anyway when she stomps right in front of me to tell me; straight to my face:

''You suck!''

Let's be honest, it's not the first time it’s happened... She said I sucked numerous times when she was upset because I wouldn't give her what she wanted. I kind of always dismissed it like every father when your kid becomes incredibly upset and screams at you. I don't accept disrespect, but I understand the frustration. I always tried to give her more appropriate ways to express her objection. Right now, I feel like... Maybe, just maybe, I really suck. I fucked up with her. I fucked up with Petra. I fucked up with Eren. I fucked up everything.

...Everything with a big E, because when we finally move inside; we realize Mikasa is gone.


	17. Eren

Why does it always have to turn out like that? Why is it that Levi never listens to me? Never accepts me. Why was she there? Couldn't she come home like 5 minutes later? I would have been out of the car and on my way to the bus stop like nothing happened. I'd have a smile on my lips because I had a good weekend even though it was weird to go back to that place where they picked me up. I wouldn't be sitting on the ground under the protection of the little bus stop booth listening to the sound of the rain against the glass. I wouldn't feel so lonely right now... And I wouldn't feel like Armin was right; Maybe this Levi isn't for me. Maybe we can't be together this time, because it hurts a lot each time. Levi hurts me a lot. I give everything I have each time we're together. I thought he was going to fight back this time. I felt like he was ready to give it his all. He wasn't. He told me he needed space. He told me he would do this on his own. He told me to go home. TO FUCKING GO HOME!

I didn't want to go home... and yet, I did.

I'm waiting to fucking go home like a good boy because he asked me to. No. He told me to. I was too dejected to even fight back anyway. It's hard to never give up. You know... At this moment, I almost call Armin and complain to him. I scroll until I reach his name on my phone with my wet fingers and I almost press the little icon with a green phone... but I don't. I can't. I don't want him to be negative about Levi. I don't want him to think I'm just like all those stuck in a relationship they don't like, but never getting out of it. Just whining. Just bitching. This isn't like me.

So, I drop the phone on my legs. It slips because I stop holding it. I let go and I'm ready to cry with no one to witness my tears of rage, but then there's a smooth voice calling to me... and I meet the face of a younger Mikasa than in my latest memories; Levi's daughter.

I want to ask her what she's doing here... does Levi knows she's here all alone? I want to ask so much, but I can't say the words. I am not convinced I can say it calmly. I think I'd yell. I think I'd break into... something, so I just keep quiet and I let her talk.

''I think my dad isn't going to see you anymore...'' she starts and I feel my breath catch in my lungs at the sentence. She speaks with such eloquence. It really doesn't help how it hurts. It cuts. It tears apart. _Levi isn't going to see me anymore. He isn't going to see me... no more._

''In a few days, my mom will probably apologize for going overboard with this... because she cares for him and for me a lot. She'll apologize exactly because she cares... because it makes her happy when he's doing great. However, he still won't talk to you, so he won't have a boy to invite for dinner when she'll be ready to accept it... maybe accept it.''

I can't even find anything to say... I want to scream.

''My dad isn't going to see you anymore, but it's not because he doesn't like you. It's because you are really, really important to him... ''

You know, it feels weird to have Mikasa... my old Mikasa tell me that and speak of Levi as her father. It feels weird to suddenly be so far from each other because we used to be so close. She steps into the booth and she sits on the bench in front of me... it's almost as if we're back to our old brother-sister relationship where we were so close. I could easily imagine we're going to take the bus together, but we're not. She's his daughter. She's closer to my age than him and yet, we feel so far. She is a friend of a friend, an acquaintance. She could be upset. She should be. I imagined she was because Petra was, so I ask... shyly :

''Are you... mad at him like your mother?''

''Not really. My mom doesn't know, but I do. I know you'll always be Levi's very important person and I know he'll always be yours... _He still is, right?_ ''

 He still is, right? It rings in my head oddly, because Levi never said anything about her remembering anything, did he? And yet, she's right here in front of me. She's a teenager, and yet she talks like my old Mikasa in the last months; she was mature and she had calmed down her hatred toward Levi, I think she had come to terms with it. This isn't like a girl her age, is it? She is so right. She does know.

''Yeah...''

''That doesn't mean it'll work out this time, you know.''

And my voice breaks, but I manage to answer back : ''I know.''

''But it might.''

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... please don't hate me! xD


	18. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We were too wasted to close the window  
> Friends and family looking in to my only hiding place  
> The rhythm of a strangers skin
> 
> Infidel to die for  
> What I am doing  
> Will happen in the morning  
> When the mirror won't recognize me
> 
> He holds a certain gesture  
> When we're loving to ask each other  
> Do you want it  
> Do you want me  
> I want it, it is you  
> You are where I want to be  
> THE TWIST

I’ve never been a fan of any autumn. I’d have summer all the time and I’d skip whatever involves cold and windy weather. I think it’s worse this time around. I think. I feel like Christmas is coming too soon... and it reminds me of Levi. I feel like the New Year is coming too soon as well... and it reminds me I’m turning eighteen next year which means I’ll be on my own; no more foster family with Hannes and his wife. Yeah, this time it really feels like the worst time of the year. I feel like the temperature is colder than usual. I feel like the snow in Mikasa’s hair is too soon for November, but it really is there. It’s white in her black hair and it shines in the light before it melts. And, even though it doesn’t have anything to do with him; I think of Levi’s silky hair between my fingers when I brush some snow off Mikasa’s head.

Months ago, when she invited me with everyone to her place, I never thought I’d get close to her. I knew she wanted it... and she probably still wishes it could happen. She’s always close to me. She’s always sitting closer than anyone else does. She’s always touching me when she doesn’t necessarily need to. She lets me play hide and seek with her mother because I don’t want Petra to see me ever again, even if I’m just hanging out with her daughter. She’s always there... and slowly, she became part of my life again just as much as Armin. I’m just glad there is still a little part of the Mikasa I know in her even though she doesn’t remember everything and she doesn’t need to. She’s fine as she is. She’s a little bit young and it irritates me to no end when everyone suggests stuff happening between us, because it feels like she’s still my sister... To me, at least, she still is something like a sister. If they even bothered listening, they would know right away that this isn’t about something between Mikasa and me. Just a little bit of eavesdropping would have let them hear the first thing she ever says to me when we’re alone... Like now, with close to five more minutes before her Mother comes to pick her up.

" _He_ is doing well."

It’s about Levi... and I simply hum in response. Between Mikasa and me, even though she doesn’t exactly want it at first, there’s always Levi. Our connection is Levi. I care and I want to know, but I don’t want to let it show. I don’t want her to tell him. I don’t want him to know I miss going to his place, talking to him, looking at him and knowing he’s looking at me... I miss being with him and I don’t know how I feel about myself when she says he’s doing well. Whatever it is, I feel like I’m not a good person. Whatever it is, even after all these weeks, I still want him to miss me, I still want him to be sad, I still want him to feel like it wasn’t the right thing to do... and yet, I want him to be happy. It makes me feel like the bad guy. It makes me feel like I’m not even a good person for him in the first place.

"What about his job? Did he get a new one?"

Yeah, because that was the first thing Mikasa told me about a week ago when we met: Levi left his job! Before that, Mikasa only said Levi was worried about something and didn’t sleep... and I wanted to be there for him, but I couldn’t. Not anymore.

"I don’t know much, if he’s progressing at finding a new job, but he cleaned the whole library... _again_. That’s the first thing he did on his day off." She laughs a little at that, and there’s a little smile on her lips. A warm one. I can see it all in my head too and I smile at her words, because I know how he is. I know. I remember. "And now, he reads. He started to read a lot of fantasy novels lately actually..."

"Eh?" This actually surprises me. I never took him for a fantasy reader to be honest. He seems way too down to earth for that, but I guess not.

"Yeah, like... A lot."

...and my smile gets wider,

...and it hurts more as it grows wider because life goes on for him. _Life fucking goes on._

"What was Levi’s job, anyway? Was it really that stressful or what?" Yeah. That’s right, Eren. Switch the subject to something else, something easier where you can keep your cool a lot more easily. It would have been even better if the subject was simply NOT related to Levi, but I guess that was out of my reach given the current situation and how I was simply thinking of Levi in general. L. E. V. I. Everywhere in my head. From side to side. From ceiling to floor. Just Levi. His books. His behavior. His habits. The way he holds his books and turns the page with his long and bony fingers. Just him.

"I’m not sure actually..." She starts and I can feel her mind wander as she tries to remember her own dad’s job. It’s silly. I might not know my real dad’s job, but even I know my foster father’s job, Hannes is a policeman. Did Levi change jobs too often or what? Did he even go to School? I don’t even know. I just... I keep walking and I try to think about something else; but in reality, I know nothing about Levi. That’s the only thing in my mind right now, like a Mantra.

"I should ask my Mom."

...but that doesn’t mean anything for me and I walk faster toward the bus stop where I always part ways with her. Not that I have anywhere to go, though. This is actually where I take the bus I need to take to go to Armin’s place, but I am not letting Petra see me. I am not even letting Mikasa tell her anything about me. Petra thinks her daughter went to see Sasha.

"She should be here any moment."

"Yeah... "

"Yeah." She repeats, but it’s more confident than mine.

"I’m off."

"I’m sorry."

"I’m fine."

"Don’t abuse the alcohol." She finally says and I know she’s half-joking... because I am indeed going to drink my ass off and I tend to abuse, that’s right. I didn’t smoke weed again. It wasn’t hard to quit smoking weed because I wasn’t addicted to it. I also did it because I wanted Levi to acknowledge me. Without Levi and in the current circumstance, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to smoke anything at all... I really don’t think it would take me much to grow fond of doing it all the time. For some reason, I tell myself drinking is _fine._ That’s probably just me though.

"Yeah... I won’t."

It’s a lie and we both know it, but I say it anyway before walking away from the corner of the street where Petra comes to pick Mikasa up in her blue little Ford Focus. She’s small. She’s pretty. She’s just like before. She’s like the girl in my memories. She seems like a nice person and I know she is, but I can’t deal with _this_ her. I want to hate her, but I can’t... and it pisses me off.

-

 

So, yeah, while they are in the living room thinking Mikasa and I are having some sort of relationship, my lips are definitely not on her behind the bathroom door. I’m closing my eyes and I might be thinking of Levi’s lips... _just a little_. Connie, Sasha, Jean and Marco; they think I went to see Mikasa because there’s something between us. They’re wrong. There’s nothing between us except Levi. It’s frustrating to get nothing of Levi except what she tells me... and I’m not stupid enough not to see the comfort I could get from Armin. It is perfect; He doesn’t want to talk about Levi and I don’t want to think about Levi... It works for the both of us.

Because as much as I wish Levi was with me, it’s not. It’s not his thin lips parting to speak. It’s not his white neck under my lips. It’s not his silky hair between my fingers with his short undercut against my fingertips. It’s not his sultry voice caressing my core... and putting me at ease. It’s Armin’s voice in my ears and that’s one thing I can’t change. I can't make myself believe, that I’m drowning in Levi. It’s not even his scent.

Caught under me, against the bathroom door, Armin Arlet takes a sharp inhale... but I’m done.

-

 

And I kind of need the alcohol sometimes.

-

 

"I never have ever had a girlfriend!"

At the table, Jean and Connie both play the game and drink from their drinks. It was Connie’s idea to play the game at first... It started with something like; LET’S PLAY A DRINKING GAME! And he is actually really into it, like he’s actually trying to get everyone drunk. He’s giving his all... and Jean is onto something too. He looks at me just holding my drink like he’s trying to see if I’m lying or not, but I’m not. I know the rules of this game. It’s simple; One player calls something out using the formula "I never have ever..." Every player drinks from their glass if they did it. Simple, I told you.

This, just now, was Jean’s turn. Next is... Connie.

"I never have ever kissed a boy!" He shouts all pumped up to see us all drink; Jean, Marco, Armin and me.

My turn. "Hum... I never have ever...Ok! I never have ever driven a car."

And Armin drinks.

And it goes on... and on with stuff like : I never have ever had a crush on a guy older than me. I never have ever had a BigMac. That’s until we get back to Jean and his shitty statements about girls, for some reason. I kind of expect something silly and, of course, he’s looking straight at me when he says: "I never have ever kissed a girl."

To which I do not drink.

"Hey, Eren. Do I need to refresh the rules of this game for you?"

"No... "

"Then Drink."

"I think _you_ need me to refresh the rules for you... I never kissed a girl."

"Does Mikasa not count as a girl?"

"Fuck off, Jean!"

 And, here, Marco tries to intervene. He really tries. He raises his voice as much as he can. He calls Jean’s name like a warning, but all I hear is Armin’s voice above his. "Jean— " isn’t having any of it.

"The old man wasn’t enough; you wanted the little girl too, uh?"

Again, I hear the warning in the same way Levi warned me when I took things too far. I remember when I didn’t listen and when he didn’t push me back... I remember how the warning was meaningless. Totally meaningless.

Jean will never listen and I will never calm the fuck down now. It just flows out of me... out of control. Drunk or not, I will not tolerate this.

"You better watch your fucking mouth before I punch you right in it, Jean!"

"Whatever, Eren."

"That’s right, Jean. _Whatever_! That’s fucking right because you can’t possibly understand!... YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND LEVI AND ME, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE MIKASA OUT OF IT!"

There’s an awkward pause where they all look at each other like I’m actually the embarrassing one here... No. Just No. He is. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me when I’m becoming emotional like that. I hate it.

Connie breaks the silence. For once, he tries to be calm and appeasing when he says: "Calm down, Eren. Jean is an asshole, it’s nothing new."

I know he doesn’t mean any harm, but... "Leave."

"What?"

That’s right. I wasn’t loud enough for you, Jean. For you neither, Marco. I am too fucking drunk and out of it to go home, but you... "You are leaving. Get out. Now."

"This isn’t your place, Eren!"

I’m just glad Armin takes my side. This time, I don’t even question it. I just take it. I take everything. I kick them out and I’m either too drunk or too frustrated to care when the argument we have turns into some meaningless sex where I don’t even know if I made sure to keep my voice from forming the name Levi. It doesn’t matter. It might be both names. I’m way past caring about that anyway... I'm too drunk. But judging from the way Armin puts me to bed somewhere after that and sleeps next to me, I guess I didn’t say it. I guess I held it in.

I don’t even remember falling asleep... I’m a very bad fuck.

...But it doesn’t matter, because it’s not Levi.

-

 

"I want to talk about Levi..." I mumble in the pillow. I’m wide awake. I wish I could fall asleep. There are some nights where I’m too wasted to wake up until the morning. Then, there are mornings where I can’t remember anything because I was too drunk. It helps... a little. Not much. I wake up naked with Armin and I know what happened, but I don’t remember. This is not one of those times. It’s one of those where I can’t even fall asleep and stop thinking about how Levi would have done it. It’s one where I think of him; when we do it and after we do it. Just him.

It’s one of the times where I wish I was stronger... to move on without feeling like I need to get someone else to fill the void. And let me tell you; it’s not filling anything beside my anus. That’s exactly what’s up.

"About him?... or to him?"

"I can’t really talk to him. He never picked up his damn phone or answered the door when it was me on the other side... so, just _about_ him."

I hear Armin groan and I feel him move at the other side of the bed more than I see him. The room is dark. The curtains are wide open, but the sky is black. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know why I want to talk about him. Is there anything I need to say? Yes. There is so much. So much I want to say and then to learn about Levi.

I hear him groan. I hear him roll onto his stomach. I hear him sigh, but I hear a clear: "Fine."

-

 

"He had to get away from this job."

"What...but, why?"

I don’t know how long it’s been since we started this one sided conversation of me talking to the ceiling... and receiving hums in response from Armin. This is the longest thing he’s said so far about all my rambling. I just started to go on about his job and... Once again, I feel like I know nothing. Again. And Again.

"Levi wants to protect the past and..." He continues, but he pauses right there and my eyes are on his lips waiting for the next word because I expect the next word to be _Eren_. He lays on the opposite side of the bed, still unmoving; far away. Like he’s not actually part of the conversation, he’s just _there_. Like he doesn’t care, he’s just listening and it doesn’t reach him. Or that’s just what he wants. And, he cuts short his sentence just like that... while my heart flutters because I actually wanted it to be _Eren_ so badly. I wanted Levi to feel like he wanted to protect _me_. "The company he was working for, they want to know about the past using people’s DNA. They want to know about the Titans. They want to know about the shifters. They want to know about Eren... so, Levi protects you both."

Both; The past Eren and the present one.

"Why does it matter? It’s not like I need protection... This isn’t like back then!"

"I’m just saying it’s dangerous."

"Dangerous!? This is silly! This world is incredibly safer than the last. It’s not like there are any Titan in this world either!"

And then, finally, he raises his head to look at me; getting immersed in the conversation, for once... and is incredibly serious when he says: "What if there were?"

"There were what?"

"Titans."

"There are no Titans, Armin."

"Eren, if they learn how... They will."

"How could they... "

"From you. With their machine, they can learn the truth... from you."

I don’t understand. I really don’t; why does it matter? We’ve done this before. I’ve done this before. I fought Titans. It doesn’t matter if it’s this world or the last one. We’d still join our strengths and wipe them off the face of the earth, it’s not complicated. With all the armed power this world has, there’s no way _I_ wouldn’t be able to kill them all. No way. _I’ll kill them all_ anyway!

So, I answer with the only possible answer: "And I will still fight..."

Pause. With everyone. No. "With Levi..." _Too._

He sighs. It’s loud. It’s exasperated. It’s close to desperate. He falls back in the pillows and under the comfort of the duvet... And then, when he finally speaks, when he finally raises his voice; it makes me shiver because it’s the loudest and the saddest I’ve ever heard from Armin: "Why do you always have to be like this...!”

"What do you mean...? Like what?"

"Why is it always about, Levi!?" And then, finally, it hits me... and I know I’m going to hurt Armin anyway, but I still say it before I leave the bed: "Because I really, really love Levi."

I don’t say how sorry I am, because I’m not. I can’t apologize for loving Levi. I just can’t.

-

 

Walking in the middle of the night, in the middle of Montreal, doesn’t seem like such a good idea when I find myself alone on the street. This probably wasn’t wise. I get self-conscious and I look around nervously like I’m going to be followed by some _Men in Black_ coming to kidnap me and bring me to their lab to make Titans.

I walk faster.

I wait for the street light to turn green... and I’m almost running across the street, but I’m still far. So far. Too far. I want to call Levi. I want to tell him something... anything. I want to run to his door. To scream at him. It’s too late. Buses stopped a little past midnight. It’s three in the morning now. It’s too late. It’s too early.

And I’m too far from home.

Again, I arrive at a crossroads and I take a look at my phone... at Levi’s name on the screen... at his little picture in the corner. My vision is a little blurry and I’m a little slow. I’m still a bit dizzy from the alcohol. To be honest, it’s 100% my fault, but when I hear the tires on the street... I blame them for not seeing me earlier. I turn my head and I know I should get out of there, but I can’t. Blame me. Blame the driver. Blame the alcohol. I don’t have time for this. My legs don’t move and he’s too fast. I’m too slow. There is light, blinding light and then, when the car hits me...

Its pitch black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't have Armin... at least you know his motives now! ;) Poor like guy. I'm actually a shipper for Armin and Eren. It's not my favourite, but I kind of like it. I can't say the Eren of this fic doesn't love Armin, but I don't think he loves him in the same way he loves Levi. Not in a thousand years. I know this chapter is kind of 'hard' to read and it was 'hard' to write, because I wanted Eren to get back to Levi somehow, but I also needed to give more time to Armin. SO, the weird Armin turned to the sad Armin!!! 3
> 
> Some positions will be reversed in the next chapters! =) Characters will 'kind of' switch places regarding the 'plot' and Eren! Look Forward to it!
> 
> For example, Armin always had an advance on everyone else... or so, it seemed like. This was actually the last chapter where Armin knew everything! Others will 'know' everything from now on! ;) Yay! BUT ARMIN ISN'T DONE APPEARING! =)


	19. Levi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know... Why do you think this happens to Eren at the end? Ahah =)

This is it. The cold wind of November blows in my face when I leave the building for the last time. I am done. Done with the Replayer. Done with Eren Jaeger. I’m out of here. After all I’ve seen in this shithole of a building, after all the experiements led by Hanji in the basement in an attempt to make Titans again, I feel like I need to get as far as possible from this place. There’s a lot of snow on the pavement because it’s the first snow of the year, but I walk. I don’t care if my feet are wet. I don’t care if I catch a cold. _I’m leaving._ I feel like I’ll never leave if I don’t leave now. I’m freaking amazed Hanji let me take my leave... I won’t waste my chance to get out of this. I learned what I wanted to know from the Replayer. I satisfied my curiosity. So, yeah, this is it. I am done. I am leaving this place.

It is the perfect opportunity to put an ultimate end to whatever happened with Eren... because I couldn’t reach closure through the last months. I couldn’t find a way to get rid of his ghost in the apartment, in my bed, on my skin... in my brain or something like that. No. I think it was my heart. Petra was upset, yeah, but I was more upset than her with the whole situation. She got over it. Me, on the other hand, I was literally mad. Mad at Petra for losing it when it happened. Mad at myself for letting something like this happen... and for being so bad with words. Mad at Eren because he was so emotional and intense; that’s how it even happened in the first place. I remember telling myself I wouldn’t let him get his way... yet he did. I wanted to end this failure for myself... To move on. Eren was young, too young. He was Mikasa’s acquaintance. He wasn’t on the same page as me anyway. But no, just no, I couldn’t find a fucking way to get rid of him. He was everywhere. I cleaned the apartment so many times, yet I feel like I couldn’t erase his presence. Every single thing that was his, I made Mikasa give them to him. And yet, he was still in the apartment. When I was in the library, even though I tried to forget my theories about the real emplacement of the walls by putting everything in a box in the closet... out of my sight, I couldn’t stop thinking of all the times he was here too. I thought of him against the door frame. I thought of him sitting somewhere... Sometimes just resting on the floor with a fort of pillows and a blanket; Just reading. I felt like I actually got Eren interested in reading, even though he was only reading small stuff or Manga. It was a start. I got him to read Patrick Sénécal and his books aren’t that small, but he got through them in an instant. I guess he liked the dark tone in his books. I guess he liked all the suspense, the mystery and... The horror. Yeah, all the horror.

I’ll never know if he’s still reading some of his books.

This isn’t just about books. This isn’t just about the library. It doesn’t even stay in the apartment. No. When I finally get away from the cold wind by getting in the car, my eyes linger on the side seat as if they remember how, once upon a time, he was sitting right there. I start the car and I drive through the city covered in snow waiting for the warmth to spread in the car and I find myself looking quickly at each bus stop on my way home; just to get a glimpse of a mess of brown hair covered with snow, a red nose and, finally, eyes shining even more because of all the lights reflecting off the snow... Let’s be real, though, I reach the apartment without getting a glimpse of him; like usual.

And the apartment feels empty.

-

 

"I’m going to see Eren later today" She says like it’s a secret... but she’s telling her dad. Such irony. Her voice is low. It’s like she’s whispering. She’s telling me, just me. She doesn’t want Petra to know for some reason and I don’t get it, because I doubt Petra would be against it. Not now that she calmed down. She had weeks to calm down after all. It is weird, but it’s like Eren is growing on her even though they never knew each other in this life.

There’s a pause and I feel like Mikasa wants me to say something. Anything.

"You should see him..." She starts shyly again after a while, but the answer is no. It’ll stay no even if it kills me.

-

"You must be happy... I did like we talked about; I won’t have anything to do with the Replayer or them anymore."

Armin Arlet smiles to that with his cup of coffee against his lips. It’s not like any other smile. It’s a smile to tell me he knows better. It’s a smile to tell me he knows it all. He probably thinks he does. He probably is right too, because he’s intelligent and wise. I just don’t want to admit it.

"You didn’t do it for me. You did it for Eren."

"Yeah... I did it for Eren, just like you did."

For an instant, when his blue eyes meet mine, I’m not sure he knows what I’m talking about. It’s the way his eyes open wide. It’s the way his mouth opens slightly like he’s shocked... or clueless, but he exhales through his nose and it all turns into a smile. An honest one. Probably the most honest one I’ve ever seen on his face actually.

"To protect Eren, I did it to protect him."

"...from me?" I kind of want to laugh at that, because there’s no fucking way I’d harm him. Armin Arlet, with his knowledge of his previous life, should know that much.

"From everyone, so he can live happily."

It makes sense. It really does. And yet, I don’t like it. Why can’t Eren decide for himself? When did Eren become an innocent person who needs to be protected? I want to protect him, of course, but I never intended on stopping him from making decisions or knowing... did I? I didn’t exactly tell him about Hanji and her fucked up stuff, but he didn’t need to know that. I mean, maybe I was wrong... but I didn’t try to make him pass as a dead fucking person either. I didn’t try to keep him away from the one person he cared about in his previous life. I didn’t try to keep him away from Armin. I wouldn’t. I’d assume he’d want to see Armin again and I wouldn’t be against it. It would have been his choice to keep Armin in his new life or not. Not mine. _His_ choice.

And, in the end, who are we to decide what Eren needs to be happy?

"Eren knows best what he needs to do to be happy." I mumble quietly... more to myself than him.

There’s a pause and I can only assume he’s lost in his own thoughts as well with his eyes staring at the coffee cup between his hands. It’s the same cafe. It’s always the same one. In this cafe, I learned Eren was dead. In this cafe, Armin gave me false information to keep me away from Eren. In this cafe, I am now seeing Armin for the last time... I think. I will never come back to him about Eren. I am moving on from Eren. I am moving on from all this messed up bullshit. I don’t want anything to do with Titans. I am going back to my life before I even got this job... and this is my last question to Armin Arlet before we part ways:

"Was Eren really that unhappy in his last life?"

...because I wasn’t.

-

 

I can’t even tell for how long I’ve been on the phone. My ear is burning and I switch sides to put the phone on my other shoulder, against my other ear... but, it doesn’t really solve the problem. It’s been way too long... I don’t mind talking to Mikasa, but it happened twice in one day. First, Petra talked forever. These days, she’s obsessed with Mikasa seeing a new friend. She says there’s something fishy sometimes when she goes to pick her daughter up... and I keep quiet, because it’s not my job to tell her: Hey, remember that kid you yelled at? Remember Eren Jaeger? Well, he is hanging out with your daughter behind your back for some reason I don’t even know. No. I should stay away from this. I don’t even know what they do.

Hum... Actually, I do.

All this time on the phone, I spent more than half of it hearing about Eren Jaeger. Everything. How Eren wasn’t even wearing his snow coat, but he had the hoodie on his head because it was too cold. How Mikasa gave him her scarf, her red scarf. How his running shoes were soaked. How he said he’d be fine. How he was headed to Armin’s place. How Connie planned to have them all drunk judging by the text he sent. It made my heart skip a beat and I hated myself for reacting to it, but she also told me about how he asked about me.

This whole conversation makes me tired... and it is actually pretty late when I tell her to go to sleep. It takes nearly fifteen minutes before she gives up trying to get me to talk to him. At least. I’m pretty sure she isn’t going to sleep when I tell her goodnight, but I am already in my bed. I’m already ready to just roll into my usual position, on my usual side of the bed and sleep.

-

 

It’s weird. It’s one of those weird nights where you keep dreaming of what you did last before you went to sleep. I think of Mikasa, on the phone and of the conversation. I feel like I didn’t sleep, because I kept trying to put an end to the everlasting conversation. So, of course, when the phone rings in the middle of the night, I wake up thinking it’s her again and I answer. Yes. I answer a phone call from an unknown number who called nearly twenty times in the last few hours. I just didn’t notice. I thought it was in my dream. I was too deep in sleep to notice, maybe.

It’s just when I finally open the line and put the phone against my ear that I notice I should probably answer normally with a simple greeting because this probably isn’t Mikasa. It’s impossible. It was all a dream... except the one real time where we talked. Everything else was a dream and I don’t know who’s on the other end of the line, but I know. I know the moment the voice breathes my name.

I said I’d never answer his calls again and I removed him from my contacts; Eren Jaeger.

Eren Jaeger is on the other end. His breath is ragged, like he’s panicking. I hear his breath against the phone making it very hard to listen to any other sounds behind him. No. Stop it. Stop caring. Don’t let him in! Don’t. I try to keep my voice steady, like it doesn’t bother me at all, like I don’t care.

"I told you not to... "

"L-Levi... I... " He interrupts me, but it’s not really the reason I let my resolve crumble and listen. It’s because of the sound he makes. The hiccups. The broken voice. The sobbing. The fucking tangible panic I can feel getting to me. "There was blood everywhere... I think I broke something. I should be dead!... I think."

And I have no clue what the fuck is going on. I hear sirens in the background, but they sound far away. He speaks of blood and breaking something... and I kind of freak out, because I’m not sure if he meant that _he_ broke something and that _something_ is bleeding because of it. What did _he_ do?

"Calm down, Eren. " I order and I hear him catch his breath to start breathing slowly. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Alright. He’s slowly calming down... or so, it seems. "What happened?"

I sigh. I roll in my bed to get into a more comfortable position because this could take a while. I tell myself I’m not cruel enough to hang up when he’s in that shape, but we both know it’s because I want the best for him. I want to take care of him if he’s not doing great... which he definitely isn’t, right now... because: "I got hit by a car, Levi!"

"What the... Why are you calling me, you dumbass!? Call 9-1-1!"

But, then, he freaks out again and he screams that he can’t. He repeats it again and again... and it doesn’t make sense, so I keep calm even though I’m irritated by this and I ask: "Why not?"

I feel like I wait forever for the answer to come out his mouth, but when he does... I just breathe in and I curse quietly, because... Fuck. Oh Fuck! That’s definitely a reason to freak out, Ok.

"I... I’m healing."

He’s freaking out. He needs help... Fuck. I need help too. What am I going to do with this? What the fuck? How is this even happening? I just stand there staring at my ceiling while he voices the reason of his panic and I just lost my hold over my phone like I lost my hold over reality.

Oh Fuck.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Patrick Sénécal is a writer. He writes in french and I do not think it is translated. He writes awesome, violent, bloody... Horror Novel. It is very nice. For thoses of you able to read french, I definitely recommend. You can find his book next to Stephen King... usually.


	20. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always been a sucker for Coldplay... for years now. I think I was like 16 when I started to listen to Coldplay. Back then, I was in love with Yellow and I was sure Yellow was a love song. It sounds like one when you listen to it. It's not... yet, it can be seen as one. There's always one song on their CD that gives me the chill for some reasons... and this time around, on their latest CD, it definitely is [O](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-6IUdV2dos)  
> Hidden track and so fucking perfect... because, just like Yellow, I see it as a love song and yet, I feel like it's actually about dying. So, let's think of it as a love song in this chapter... =)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _Flock of birds_  
>  _Hovering above_  
>  _Just a flock of birds_  
>  _It's how you think of love_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _And I always_  
>  _Look up to the sky_  
>  _Pray before the dawn_  
>  _'Cause they fly always_  
>  _Sometimes they arrive_  
>  _Sometimes they are gone_  
>  _They fly on_
> 
>  
> 
> ....
> 
>  
> 
> _So fly on_  
>  _Ride through_  
>  _Maybe one day I'll fly next to you_  
>  _Fly on, ride through_  
>  _Maybe one day I can fly with you_

I can’t really explain why I’m scared, but I am. It’s just a feeling in my gut. I don’t feel much pain... but I’m shaking. I freak out when I hear a siren a little bit too close. They’re searching, searching for a body. They must be thinking I collapsed somewhere. I should have. I can still see the blinding light in my eyes. I can still feel the coldness of the vehicle against my skin; tearing it apart. I remember the pain of its bite. Once again, I feel myself threading into that same pattern and I try to think about the phone call I made. I try to think of the person that is actually coming to pick me up... but it’s blurry. I can’t remember the voice and the words. I open my eyes... There’s nothing blinding me here. It’s dark. My eyes are heavy. I’m sleepy. I might be daydreaming. I shouldn’t fall asleep. Not here. Not now.

I blink... No. Open your eyes. I hear footsteps. I am not blinking. I am closing my eyes. Open your eyes, Eren. Do it!

And I do it.

Small feet. Small person. An open coat with a scarf loosely wrapped around a neck. Hair. Or is it a beanie? I can’t see the colors. It’s too dark. I’m having a really hard time staying awake and fully aware of my surroundings. He calls my name and...

I do not love him, but he’s here… and you’re not.

You are not. He is. It’s like a mantra I tell myself. It’s like an excuse; the perfect excuse. Why am I letting myself use Armin and rely on Armin? Because Armin is here. Because he is a better guy for me. I don’t need anyone to say it out loud. I know already. It’s obvious. He can be everything I need and yet, I won’t be able to want him as much as I want you. It’s just how it is.

"You look like shit, brat." He says and I smile, and I laugh dryly, and I cry in the middle of laughing... because I’m breaking down. He’s here. Just this once, he’s right there. He came for me and I can’t even begin to describe the feeling going through me when he kneels by my side and slides his arm under mine. "Come on, we need to get you out of here."

Ah, Levi. I love you. So much. You, just you.

-

 

I barely remember the walk to the car. I remember how he told me to stand as straight as possible, but my legs were weak and I could still remember how they were bent in an impossible position just minutes ago. I remember the steady sound of the heater. I remember the music on the radio. I remember the lyrics and I finally fell asleep to the tune, in the warm car... Next to Levi.

_A flock of birds_  
 _Hovering above_  
 _Just a flock of birds_  
 _That’s how you think of love_

And it goes on, and on... even when I barely realize I’m leaving the comfort of the car to get in the apartment. Levi holds most of my weight and it is weird to be half-asleep and leaning on someone a lot shorter than myself, but I’m not aware enough to care.

_One minute they arrive,_  
 _Next you know they’re gone_  
 _They fly on_  
 _Fly on_

I don’t even notice when he removes my clothes, but I know he’s gentle when he does it. I barely register anything until there’s warm water on my skin. Everywhere. I feel like I’m suddenly brought back to life... and I register so much in an instant. I’m naked. I’m in a bath. There’s a warm and wet cloth cleaning my skin and there’s the hand holding it... with grey eyes looking at their works. At me. I close my eyes. I open them again and he’s still there, concentrated on washing me clean. No more blood. No more remains of what happened tonight.

_So fly on_  
 _Ride through_  
 _Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you_

And then, at last, when I finally feel like I’m awake and the song stops playing in my head, I’m back into my safe haven... I’m back in a room I know too well. I’m back into a bed that smells like him. I’m back on my spot. I’m back on my side of Levi’s bed like I never left it and... I’m holding the hand of the most important person between mine; Levi. It’s sweaty. It’s hot. It’s moist. Hell, it’s probably bothering him, but he’s still there. He came for me. He brought me home. Safe. He made a bath for me. He washed me of all the blood and the dirt I got from all my crawling in the alleys. Clean. Fresh. He carried me to the bed and slept here, next to me.

I feel it all come back to me in an instant. I’m not just talking about the car accident and my healing. Him. Just him being here for me. Still here for me. I thought I’d never see him again. I thought we’d never meet again. Fuck. I’m so happy, so fucking happy. When I raise my hand, when I touch his face... I’m cautious, like I’m scared he’ll vanish. I find myself crying like a fucking baby again. Crying. And smiling. It starts with just a touch at the shoulder peeking out of a shirt too big for him. The skin is warm and soft. He doesn’t vanish. He’s really here. Then, I just caress his silky hair. I tell myself it’s just a pat, but then... I just find my hand cupping his face and my thumb gently tracing circles on his cheek. It started with just a touch, I swear, I didn’t mean to, but... Yeah. I guess I’m just tracing circles all over the accessible skin now. Neck. Collarbone.

Until I hear a very awakened voice.

"Are you done?"

Instantly, my eyes meet his; wide open and staring at me openly. I want to say _Sorry_. I open my mouth and I start to shape the sound, but I stop before I even let it out. No. It’s no use. I’m sure he’s been aware of my mischief for a while now. He was awake... or I woke him up.

"...Y-Yes!"

I _probably did_... for that, I am sorry.

"You were crying back there too." He starts slowly... cautious. "Are you in pain?"

"No... I’m glad."

"That’s fucked up." He sighs, lets go of my hand and rolls away from me in the bed, but I know he understands. He sits up and leaves the bed before I manage to get a hold on his hand again. I want to follow. I try, but I find myself being too weak to follow. I groan in rage. I hate it. It’s frustrating. I healed, but I’m still sore.

And so damn tired...

I hear some kind of dry laugh slipping between his lips... and then, just then, he leans forward to kiss my forehead. He hesitated. I felt it, more than I saw it. I just felt it there. It was a small pause in flow of his movement and it became a bit awkward, but I smiled and I fell asleep seeing his back walking out of the room.

-

 

When I wake up again, I just know it’s the middle of the day before I even open my eyes. I feel like the whole building is awake. I hear the couple in the next apartment. I hear them talk like a background buzzing. Sometimes, I hear their laughs. Closer, I hear the presence of people in the apartment. At first, I think it’s just Levi, but as I get closer to the door... I hear another voice.

"I swear, Levi, I didn’t know about that."

Oh, I know that voice. I don’t even need to turn the corner to see who’s in the kitchen. I know this voice too well and I’m not really sure how I should feel when I see him in the same room as Levi... Fuck! Right there, with Levi, is...

"Armin."

The first thing I notice, when I voice the word, is Levi’s grey eyes finding mine instantly, but his whole face staying inexpressive as ever. Does he know? No. Armin didn’t tell him? And my eyes shift to Armin just when he decides to move toward me with a worried expression.

"Eren! Are you alright?"

...I turn to Levi again and he nods before walking away like he knows I’m silently asking if he told Armin about the accident. Yes. He told Armin about it. No, he probably doesn’t know about the relationship I had with Armin. Not that I thought Levi would give me a chance again or anything... well, yeah, maybe, but still!

"I’m fine..."

He turns his back on us while Armin hugs me tightly in his arms... and I find myself self-conscious and trying to keep Armin’s hug as short as possible to make sure Levi doesn’t see anything else in it than a comforting hug. Just to be sure. Just in case.

I guess nothing ever goes according to plan, because Armin totally opens his big fucking mouth and says:

"I woke up and you were gone!"

Oh... Oh... Instantly, I take a look at Levi... at his back, at the way he stops moving for an instant, at his muscles tensing, at his hold tightening around the teapot, but he doesn’t let it show anymore than that. I want to tell him it’s not what he thinks this sounds like... It wasn’t the same and Armin should shut the fuck up, seriously! Why is he here anyway?

"Y-Yeah... well, I just felt like I needed fresh air."

Again, I look at Levi... like I need help, but he doesn’t help. Or, actually, does he? He hands me a mug full of a light brown liquid. He says it’s hot... It sure seems like it’s burning hot from the vapor coming out of it. I bring it to my nose, to smell it, there’s a sweet aroma and I bet he added sugar to suit my taste... and it works. It makes me smile and it makes the perfect distraction to evade this conversation with Armin.

"To help you feel a little bit better."

...or not.

I’m telling you. The way he looks at me is nowhere near as affectionate as the way I look at him over my mug of tea.

When I woke up this morning, I was actually happy to find myself back in his apartment. I cried, fuck. I was so glad... and now, _this_. Let’s be honest, this isn’t what I had in mind at all for our reunion.

-

 

And so, that’s how it goes; Levi and Armin are talking about me like parents talking about their child... as if I’m not even there. I am there. I’m sleepy, but I’m right there on the sofa drinking my cup of tea. It’s bittersweet, but Levi insists that it’ll help with all the sore muscles making me cringe when I move. They’re not arguing, but I can tell Levi isn’t exactly happy to be talking to Armin. I can’t tell if he made Armin come here or not anymore. I thought he did, he kept asking questions about me...

"How did he heal?"

"How do you explain this?"

"This isn’t making any sense!" _That, he said that a lot._

He didn’t seem to believe Armin when he said he didn’t have a single clue. To be honest, Levi seemed pissed at the world right now... I don’t know if Armin noticed, because Levi has a poker face, but I did. And, then, when he entered the subject of the past, it really didn’t improve his mood one bit. The question changed slightly, but once again it felt like he was accusing Armin of hiding something... like Levi knew the conclusion, but he wanted Armin to confirm it for him. I can’t tell if Armin understands what Levi is saying, but I sure as fuck do not understand where they are going with this.

"Were you there when Eren Jaeger died?"

"He died before or after you?"

It appears that Armin Arlet lived for a very long time in the past. He lived longer than everyone else in between our friends and yet... He didn’t know what happened to me.

"Then, how did he die?"

According to him, I... Eren... Well, we just... disappeared.

At one point, I tried to join in. I did. Between two questions. Between two answers. I tried to ask where this was going, but Levi told me he was just trying to understand what was going on. He said we would talk about it later. He said I needed to rest and finish my tea.

-

 

I felt slightly better after a while. Less sore. More awake.

-

 

The fateful moment came around supper time, the moment where Armin would leave and leave me alone with Levi... and awake for once. I was waiting for it. Their conversation had gone nowhere except Armin stating the name of someone who could be trusted that was still working where Levi used to work. It appeared to be someone Levi knew. Ma...Mike? Yeah. I think it was Mike. I didn’t exactly understand why it seemed like an important relation suddenly. Supper was coming. It was past five P.M. and I seriously doubted Levi would let Armin eat here... So yeah, I am ready by the door. I am leaning against the wall and Levi is a little bit behind me. Armin is putting his boots on and standing back up. His blues eyes trail over me from head to toe... and he says: "Aren’t you coming, Eren?"

Wait... What?

I turn around. One look at Levi. One look at Armin. I just assumed that I...

"You can stay here a little bit longer; I don’t mind..."

"Oh... I see..."

You know, at this exact moment, when I see the dejected look on Armin’s face; I feel bad, like it’s my fault he’s hurt... and it is, but what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I can’t just let go of Levi either. I can’t just give up on Levi when I have this chance!

-

 

At eight, Levi makes another bath for me... I feel like we’re already back into some kind of new routine, even if it’s just the 2nd night I’ll spend here. It wasn’t supposed to be a bath. At first, I said I would take a shower. That was my intention, but my legs were shaking and I was using the walls to keep my weight off my feet as much as possible. It didn’t even hurt..., but I could still feel the bones breaking and the flesh tearing apart because of it. It wasn’t there, but it was haunting me like a fucking ghost.

In the end, Levi prepared the bath for me and helped me get into it... Normally, I’d be thrilled before if Levi helped me, because he cared. Of course, I was happy, but there was more to it... like how it was becoming embarrassing or how... "It makes me feel like an old man."

"Why?" He asks and I can see his eyebrows lifting just a bit... and yet, I notice because it’s so different from his usual stoic expression. So fucking different. I can tell he’s nearly laughing at my comment too. He calls me a brat, I’ve got nothing to do with old men... Right, Levi? And yet, with Levi sitting down on the floor in the bathroom about a meter away from the bath; I feel like an old man watched over by a nurse or something. I hate it. I want to feel better. I want to use this chance to get him back!

But then, if I feel better... I’ll have to go home.

"You know, when you help them bathe, even though they’re naked, it doesn’t matter. Who cares about an old man’s ass anyway?"

That’s it. Right there. He fucking snorts this time and he puts his hand into the bath to splash it on my face. "You’re dumb."

"Shut up! I’m just... I don’t want you to think it’s _just_ Eren Jaeger naked."

"I didn’t..." He sighs and stands up to leave. "Come on. Clean yourself. Are you going to drown while I’m in the kitchen or... you think you’ll be alright?"

"I’m fine." It doesn’t mean I want you to leave though... but I understand that this is not exactly the nicest place to be, eh?

"OK. I’ll go check the teapot for you. You should drink a little bit of tea before you go to bed."

"Is there something in this tea? Are you trying to drug me?" I ask with a laugh.

And I’m pretty sure he won’t bother answering... it wouldn’t surprise me, but just as he’s leaving my sight he says:

"Nah. I’m not interested in Eren Jaeger’s old ass... looks flat and uninteresting as hell."

-

 

I bet it means the opposite... and he totally took a peek at it.

-

 

At least, the tea helps me sleep... but what helps the most is Levi sleeping just a foot away from me. Right there, in front of me, in the same bed, between the same bed sheets. If I reach out, I can touch his stomach... but I settle just by holding the front of his shirt in my fist.

-

 

"You can’t stay here, Eren... Not again."

No. Not this early in the morning. Not when I just woke up and felt like I was mostly back to my old self. I don’t want to have this conversation. We have so many more conversations we need to have before this one... like who’s Mike? What’s up with him? What happened to me? What was all that with Armin yesterday? So much... and yet, you choose this one and your cold voice feels like a knife. I feel my eyes tearing up and I hide my face under the comforter.

I didn’t want to think about this yet, Levi!

"Eren... I know you’re awake." He insists and he pulls on the comforter to keep it away from my face... and stops the moment he sees it; my fucking face with the pain you keep putting there. I wish I could hate you sometimes... I wish.

"I’m sorry, Eren..."

"No."

"No?"

"No!" I repeat with vigor... and I roll over, and I repeat it, and I yell it again until I position myself so I can see him clearly. "No, I am not leaving!"

And the list goes on... and on.

"No, I don’t want to be awake to listen to you asking me leave!"

And my face gets closer to his... morning breath be damned, I don’t fucking care. It’ll probably be a horrible mix of morning breath, cigarettes, bittersweet tea, and... a lot more, but it doesn’t matter.

"No, I do not accept this shitty apology, that’s for sure... because you’re just trying to find excuses."

Closer... Oh God. I’m so close. I’m shivering just because I can feel his hot breath on my skin, on my lips.

"No, you’re not sorry... don’t be fucking sorry and just stop walking over my feelings like they’re nothing."

And... Fuck, finally, I feel like a high school student kissing for the first time when my lips finally touch his. It’s a simple kiss. It’s soft. It’s gentle. It’s full. It’s just my lips touching his lips, covering them for an instant. It’s an innocent kiss and it’s so slow, it feels like an eternity where I close my eyes and I live on my lips... at the edge; where they meet. They’re thin and he opens his mouth slightly to breathe after the initial kiss. Exhale and then, he opens his grey eyes. Yeah, it isn’t the best timing to kiss like that in the morning, but it’s the only time. In my defense, it wasn’t the time to talk about me leaving this apartment first thing in the morning.

"No, I don’t know what happened to me or how I managed to heal through this car accident, but I wanna know." I whisper... _I really do want to know._

He nods; he doesn’t look away from me until I return to my position by his side in the bed. Just by his side. Our shoulders touch, but that’s all there is to it. Nothing else. He doesn’t even say anything and it worries me a little, but I feel his weight moving the bed and I just know he’s above me when he leans down to kiss me back again with the same softness.

"I’m sorry." He repeats quietly with his head in the crook of my neck and his lips on my shoulder after tracing all of my jaw and traveling down my neck.

I just thread my fingers through his hair and I breathe a simple: "I know" because I know this one is legitimate... because I know this one is for me. It really is. It’s for us, for what he did to us. And maybe, just maybe, I’m not back to square one again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are as happy as I am with this to be honest!! Finally, Levi!! ABOUT TIME! =)


	21. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Incendiary glance_  
>  _Be come and collide in me_  
>  _Zoom in enhance hold_  
>  _While I go helplessly sky high_  
>  _Magic eye sugar rushing don't stop_  
>  Must be Dreaming - FrouFrou
> 
> I don't have anything else to say, ahah ;) Enjoy! =)

"It makes me feel like an old man."

"Why?"

"You know, when you help them bathe, even though they’re naked, it doesn’t matter. Who cares about an old man’s ass anyway?"

Eh, You must be kidding me...  What were you doing and where were you looking when I fucking cleaned you last night or when I just helped you get out of your clothes and enter the bath? I'm pretty fucking sure I was avoiding looking at you at all costs... and failing. I felt like my eyes wouldn't leave your round ass, your thighs, your stomach and your nipples contrasting with your skin just... RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE! I avoided direct contact between your skin and mine as if it would send an electric shock through me... and it probably would have done just that. It was right by me, by my face. Fuck. I wanted to fucking touch you so bad and I did, but I tried to keep it as normal as possible... which was kind of difficult. To me, at least. I look away. I splash water in your face to make you shut up with all the silly stuff you say and to distract you.

"You’re dumb."

"Shut up! I’m just... I don’t want you to think it’s just Eren Jaeger naked." You're upset, but you grin like a fool with water sliding down your skin, your wet hair sticking to your face and that move you do with your hands to push it all back... Fuck, as usual, you're the best porn and you don't even do anything, eh. I'm gone. So fucking gone.

"I didn’t..." I sigh and stand up to leave. You're not even doing anything to clean yourself. You're just there in a bath that's not full enough to cover you completely yet. It covers your waist, at least, but I can still see your long legs and your chest if I take a glane toward you. "Come on. Clean yourself. Are you going to drown while I’m in the kitchen or... you think you’ll be alright?"

And then, maybe, you'll finally get started instead of just talking and fooling around in the water. You even gathered all the bubbles to put them over your dick and your nipples earlier, like a bikini, and you fucking laughed while telling me to look at you... are you crazy? My eyes went down that happy trail _until they reached the happy place_... more like; reached the bubbles covering it. I almost sighed. Don't make me want to jump you more than I already do by looking at you.

I'm not sure if you're plain stupid or just trying to lead me there... It wouldn't be a first.

"I’m fine."

"OK. I’ll go check the teapot for you. You should drink a little bit of tea before you go to bed."

"Is there something in this tea? Are you trying to drug me?"

I really doubt I'd need to drug you... And I have no clue what's up with Armin and you, but I don't think he' d like that.

"Nah. I’m not interested in Eren Jaeger’s old ass... looks flat and uninteresting as hell." I tell him as I exit the bathroom, but leave the door open so I can hear if he needs anything... or fucking falls while he tries to get out, because that's what happened when he tried to get in alone.

-

 

With his incredibly hot body temperature under the covers of the bed, the sound of his breathing in the room, his hands pulling at my shirt and his feet touching my cold ones; it doesn't feel so empty anymore in the room... and I love it, and I wish it could stay that way, but I know better.

Eh... Why not? Why the fuck not? Petra is over it. We even argued over it... It seems she realized Eren _kind of_ made happy in general, I guess. She said I wasn't agreeable in the least after I parted ways with the kid... even Erwin took her fucking side. Yeah, because she told him that I had someone for a little while, someone younger. Mikasa wouldn't mind, I think. Then, what? It's not about me. Not this time. It's about him.

I'm not some dumb fuck who doesn't notice or pay attention. Damn. I didn't see it right away, but the exact moment Armin saw Eren I noticed the way he looked at the brown haired boy. It was weird... It was weird because I felt like I was looking at Eren in a similar way. Fuck, I'm pretty sure we were looking at him with the same kind of gentle affection at that moment... His eyes probably had the same path as mine over his long legs. He probably didn't recognize the shirt and the boxers Eren was wearing. The boxers were a bit small. I knew they were a bit too small and too tight for him, but I didn't have anything larger in my wardrobe... so, he kept playing with the hem  around his thigh with his fingers and I noticed how Armin's blue eyes often went there. I did too, fuck yes I did. I wanted it to be my finger slipping under the fabric to loosen it slightly, not his own. The shirt though, it wasn't small. If anything, it was big. I liked my sleeping t-shirt to be big... _very big_. And then, there was his face; his fucking perfect face when he's not completely awake yet with his messy hair. Yeah, when I saw Armin's eyes, he was definitely trying to keep his eyes on his face. Eren probably didn't notice. Definitely not.

Me, on the other hand, I recognized every single piece of clothing he had on... because they were mine. Maybe the tightness of the boxers on Eren's tanned skin gave it away that it was mine, but Armin said something... and I felt like it was for me. _A warning_. He said Eren wasn't there when he woke up. It could have been said in millions of other ways, but he went with this one. I tensed, of course I did. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want this. I shouldn't have been upset because it was my fault, but I was upset anyway. I didn't want to imagine anyone else touching Eren. Ever.

I was pretty sure of it by now; there was something between them and I couldn't be kind to Armin anymore. I couldn't fucking tolerate him in my fucking apartment with Eren... I wanted to make Eren mine, to take him in front of Armin. Fuck. That was crazy, but it went through my fucking mind. It is still there. It bothers me when I look at Eren sleeping right next to me. It tells me to touch him... not like when I was washing him, no. To touch him like I did when we went in that room hours from here. He moves. He's slowly waking up and I'm keeping my hands to myself... and I can't do this forever. We're not like this, but we're sleeping in the same bed. One of us needs to leave. Right now.

It'll be you.

"You can’t stay here, Eren... Not again.''

-

 

I wish you could stay here forever... live with me and just do it correctly, this time.

I'll never admit it though.

-

 

You kiss me like the sweet first kiss we never shared... One of the many steps we didn't take. You kiss me like you don't even know how anymore. You kiss me like I'm delicate, like I'll crumble. You kiss me like I'm precious. You kiss me with all your damn intensity and roughness in check for once... You know, you kiss me like you love me. I knew you loved me the moment you appeared in my apartment and said my name... And you still do. Fuck, you still love me.

Fuck, I barely register what you say, but I nod. I fucking nod to your words even though I'm too drunk to even understand. Speak in French. Speak in fucking Chinese. It doesn't matter, I nod and I'll come back to this another time, because now I'm too busy giving it back to you... That kiss. That lovely kiss and the one apology you deserve... because, yeah, I fucked up.

-

 

I wonder for an instant if you kiss Armin like that... and if you caress him everywhere in the same gentle way that you are caressing me right now, but it really doesn't take long before I just think about you.

You and your fingers giving me goosebumps and I can't fucking leave your eyes to see if I'm having the same effect on your arms when I move my hands up and down lightly on them.

I just hope it gives you the chills, because fuck you definitely are giving them to me.

-

 

I don't know how many minutes... No, Hours!... We spend between the sheets of this bed too big for one person with our lips linked and our hands exploring each other slowly. The kisses got deeper. Lips parted and tongues met midway, but it remained the slowest and the most gentle kiss of all the ones we’ve shared. I took forever to remove your clothes and you're not even done removing mine. You're laying on the bed on your side right in front of me. You're naked right in front of me! And it's the first time we both manage to keep our urges in check to enjoy the light touches and the humming we share in each other's mouths. It vibrates... just like you vibrate under my touch when I trace your happy trail with the tip of my fingers. You suddenly feel like a wave under me and you slide on your back slowly. Your legs open as if you're asking for me to finally touch you, but I gently push you on your stomach... breaking our kisses and stopping you from removing the last piece of clothing covering me. No. Not yet. I feel like I'll burst the moment you touch me and I know you'll go there when you're done with my boxers. Not yet. Not yet.

I don't think I've ever been this kind of lover before.

I've never felt like I needed to take my time with someone... to do it properly. If I think about it, I was good with the rushed experience we had in the hotel room. We did everything I had ever imagined while touching myself and I thought it was fine, but it suddenly feels like _this_ ; right now... when I take my time, when I cover your back with kisses, when you push your upper body up to look at me with _theses perfect and loving eyes_ while my hand moves down to your legs and my mouth to your lower back... to the start of the curve of your pretty little ass.

Right, I lied earlier... I totally checked your round little ass out.

Sure, you're not a hot mess of moans. Sure, we could have fucked like twice since this whole thing started... but isn't this better? Isn't it perfect this way? Your breathing is still ragged and you whine when I push your hips down gently because... Yeah, you're naked. Yeah, you're hard and, yeah, it rubs against the sheets. Sorry, I forgot about that detail. Your cheeks are red. Your lips are swollen. You giggle lightly when I kiss the soft flesh of your cheek before turning you over again to get you on your back and it's fine like that. Whatever sound you make, I'll love it.

 You're a different kind of mess, but you're not less tempting. You don't have to spread your legs and I don't have to lower my eyes to see the leaking hard on against your stomach to know...  Fuck no. Don't worry, about it.

-

 

Why are we in this position again? My arms are shaking, fuck, and I'm struggling so hard not to face fuck you. Damn it. It seemed nice a second ago, when you slowly led me to move up above you. It seemed like a nice idea because I still needed you to get off that last piece of clothing and you were kissing my chest, my navel, my hip bones and my thighs... but, then your lips attacked the remaining flesh you hadn't touched yet; my dick. I groan, because Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You teased me forever and now that I'm buried into that sweet little mouth, I feel like my self-control is slowly breaking apart. No. It definitely is. I don't want to do this... but...

''Shit.''

You're already taking me way too far for my sanity. Your humming response makes everything vibrate around me. I am really trying hard to stay reasonable and let your hold over my hips guide me into the rhythm you want us to have.

''Eren... Fuck, my arms are about to give in.''

Once again, he giggles the moment his mouth his free and follows when I drop on my back by his side. He crawls on top of me with thousands of kisses on my stomach as he makes his way back to face me. There's a smile on his lips; a loving smile and he leans forward for a kiss... and I wince a little because, Fuck that kiss will taste like my own dick and that's gross, but he kisses my cheek and reaches for the nightstand... Little Fucker explored my bedroom, it seems and found my stuff!

I could be ashamed and a little bit upset that he was noisy like this, but Fuck! When he opens the bottle to pour it on his fingers and starts to make himself ready for me, I can't really complain and I find myself caressing his back and his shoulders... I even whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

-

 

I do until we're kind of sitting there... He sits on top of me and he's just moving slowly, fucking slowly. I don't know, I could probably say this is just because we're doing this slowly from the very beginning and it is true, but that's not quite right. Eren is moaning each time he moves his hips gently, but he is still moving them. I think whining is an even better word, because that's what it sounds like, like he doesn't quite know what to do, like he doesn't want to stop and let me down, but I can still feel the hot liquid on my stomach... He came. He did the moment I entered and brushed against his sweet spot. He had an incredible reaction to the sensation, of course. He got tight, it felt great and he looked amazing, but... Yeah, he came right away.

And now, he's just being incredibly sensitive and beautiful in my arms. He looks like he's in a daze. He looks my way, but I can't tell where he's looking through his long eyelashes and his eyes almost closed. He's blushing like mad and I can hear a faint: ''Sorry'' under his breath at times.

Sorry for what? For being so fucking perfect? Because you are. I don't care if you came already.

You tell me not to stop. You're obstinate and you keep moving your body while I massage your back and your side. You tell me to give you a second. You tell me to wait... you repeat it.

''...Just a second.''

And I'm just there... I'm just there and completely overwhelmed by everything going through me at this exact moment. I search for the words. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out except my loud breathing, sometimes more like a moan than anything else. I feel like we stay in this position forever and I don't mind. I don't think I'll stay this hard very long, but it doesn't matter, because the truth is... I...

''I... I think... I love you.''

Oh wow, this was the worst confession ever, I swear... and yet.

You smile. You fucking smile and you laugh, and I don't care if you sucked my dick just minutes ago. This time, you come for a kiss and I'm more than happy to give it to you when you whisper with a broken voice against my lips: ''I love you too.''

It's not the first time you say it, I know, but it's the first time I actually _take it._

-

 

I'm pretty sure Armin Arlet wouldn't like it if he knew what we did all morning.

-

 

''Can I assume... that I can stay?''

Oh... right. I forgot. I did say that earlier, uh. I feel him move behind me. He reaches for my face and he tries to push my head so I can look to his, but I keep my eyes to his feet against the edge of the bath... still tan in fucking winter and next to my white ones. My creamy white skin looks even more pale next to his, but I kind of like it. Kind of.

''Hey, Levi! Stop ignoring me.''

Argh, just give it a rest... and give me a break. I'm still not over the words I said earlier. Give me a chance to put myself back together. I told you I loved you... It just spilled out. I didn't mean to. Not that it's not true or anything, but it makes me feel vulnerable suddenly... as if it gives you power over me. I don't really get it. It's not like I feel like I have power because you love me though. It's just... me. I guess. I've never been one to tell my feelings. I never told Erwin I liked him or anything. It was obvious I kind of liked him to some extent. I told Petra, but it was different... with Petra, things were different. I was young and I really loved Petra. I still do. It's just that I never really understood how I loved her. I did tell her that I loved her, but it wasn't something I did often. She was saying it more than me... and she didn't need me to tell her. She said that she knew I loved her and that was enough for her... until her new husband spoiled her, that is.

So... Yeah, now I'm at a loss.

It's not that I don't want Eren to stay around me like it used to be. It's quite the opposite actually. I'm just... I don't know. It's not like it'll change anything. It's just that it'll mean, I accept it. Instead of making it seem like it bothers me, it'll be of common accord. His. Mine. Ours. Sure, it's fine on my side, but what about his... I keep thinking of Armin and I try to find an explanation for them. I give myself a headache around their relationship. I find excuses for them, because I don't want to accept it... Oh it must have been a misunderstanding. Oh it's just Armin who likes Eren and nothing happened. Right? Right?! Fuck, this is annoying me so badly. I don't like Armin because he's a liar, but I feel like an asshole for blaming it all on him. As if it's his fault Eren is just... _his charming Eren self_.

''...Yeah, you can.''

He hugs me tightly against him, pressing my back against his chest and I swear I can feel his heart beating loudly... or is it mine? I don't know anymore! I don't mind. I don't mind the closeness of our bodies. I don't mind the water getting slightly colder. I don't mind the bubbles becoming less abundant. I don't mind if he sees me naked, he already did. I don't mind if he doesn't speak for a while and just keeps quiet. It's a comfortable silence and I like it when it's calm like this. I don't mind if he plays with my hand absently. It doesn't bother me. I can close my eyes and enjoy the calm... and just think. Think about him. Think about us.

''Eren...''

''Mmmh?''

 And think of what needs to be said.

''What's up with Armin?''

He tenses a little bit behind me and his hold on my hand tightens.

''Nothing.''

''What's up with Armin... and you?''

''Oh...'' Don't _Oh_ me and answer, fuck. It's bugging me so bad. It's annoying. I don't want this to linger at the back of my head all the time. I just told you I fucking loved you... and you did too. Do you realize how rare this is for me? Do you realize how far I am into this? Fuck.

''Oh, what?''

''It's nothing.''

''Definitely didn't look like nothing... He looked like he wanted to bring you back home, that's for sure. I don't know... I feel like he really likes you or something. I just never noticed before.''

''I know. I mean, It's just... I knew for a while now, but it's weird now because... Well, we kind of... when you dumped me... we...'' Pause. Hesitation. There's so much. He's struggling. He doesn't know what to say or how to say it. I am not helping. He's loosening his hold on me. No. Wait. Fuck. I'm suddenly feeling like an idiot. I know the answer... I think I know it, but I don't want him to say it. I don't want to know that you two... ''We had that kind of relationship.''

''That kind of relationship?''

'' _That_ kind of relationship.''

''What is that suppose to mean, brat.''

Why am I getting away from you! And why am I insisting on this!

''Well, we fucked...''

''Oh...'' Fucked? No. You didn't fuck. You didn't fucking fuck! I mean, I just knew... yet, I didn't. It's Ok. You fucked. You needed it. It's Ok. _Totally Ok_.

''Just...a bit.''

Ok... I mean, I knew you did. It's alright. _Totally fucking Ok_. I'm telling you.

And I wish I hadn't moved and turned in the bath to see his face when he said it... because the way he reacts to my expression, is rather painful. He bites his lips nervously. He shakes his head like he's saying no. Like he's saying no, I'll be honest. I can do this. He says:  ''Actually, we did it a lot... but, I...''

I don't know. I'm not even sure myself why I'm reacting like this. I'm not even sure what kind of face I make... I think I'm pretty good at maintaining a pretty good expression, but I guess I fail. Our eyes meet. His eyes; they open wide like he's suddenly alarmed... like he suddenly realizes I'm not taking this as well as he thought I would. I don't care. I mean, I think I don't. It's ok. Eren is mine now, right? But it fucking bothers me. It's my fault. I told him to get out of my life, but I didn't think it'd be this easy to fucking find a replacement... to fuck someone just to fuck. I don't know. I didn't do it... and I fail to understand. I fucking can't understand.

No. You can get through this, Levi! Don't shut him out again. You weren't dating or anything. You made it pretty clear that you were done... and yet, I know, I know I'm being unfair when I stand up and get out of the bath... the bath I enjoyed. I really did.

He follows. He stands up and he doesn't even dry himself or take a towel before he follows me into the bedroom. He freaks out. I hear him call my name. I hear him apologize and I know he doesn't have to apologize. He doesn't have to. I shouldn't be upset! It's been MONTHS since we last saw each other!... Yet, I hear him being honest with me. I hear him saying it again... ''Actually, we did it a lot...'' and I fucking cringe at the sound, at the picture going through my head... Of Armin holding him. Of Armin kissing him. Of Eren having sex with him. I even wonder who fucking topped... and I know I'm going too far. I'm just making myself upset.

''I'm fine, Eren. I... I just need to calm down.''

And I close the door of the bedroom.

-

 

You sit against my door and it feels weird to be sitting against the same one... just on the other side. I heard you walk around for a bit. I heard you go in the bathroom to let the water drain. I heard you rummage through the bathroom and I assumed you got a towel. All your clothes are on this side of the room. I heard you come back and sit back against the door. I heard you call my name... and I heard you cry again. You really are a cry baby. You're so honest. Painfully honest. You just showed it to me again; your honesty. It was a quiet type of crying. I could hear you sob, but it was low... very low. I heard you lean against the door and talk just above a whisper.

I heard you say sweet nothings to make me feel better, but I was already better. You excused yourself again. You said it wasn't like you didn't love me. You said you thought of me a lot whenever you did it... Fuck, you admitted that you thought about me while having your dick up in his ass and I smiled. I fucking smiled like a coward and I felt horrible for Armin at the same time. Whatever you said, I knew we were both cowards. I just needed to get over the fact that you weren't mine only while I was away and didn't want you.

And I did get over it.

By the time I open the door, you are dry... and I notice you took care of the wet floor with towels. I love you for that. You know how I like my apartment to be.

You smile when you fall backward into the room and fall face to face with me, but I know you're hiding your insecurity, so I speak up. ''You really need to apologize to Armin...''

Pause. Silence. You stay there. You lay on the floor in the doorway... and I stay right there, on my knees, beside you. I play with your hair a bit... in a way I try to be reassuring. Don't worry. I'm not leaving you or anything. I'm not done loving you... Fuck, I love you way too much for that. I'm just making sure that this thing with Armin is done. That you are going to take responsibility for what you did to him and apologize for being like that... for hurting him.

''I will.''

''...because you're not going back to him.''

''I'm not.'' I swear, the smile he makes is blinding... My face is burning, Fuck. I look away from him. I know. I fucking know what this sounds like. This is exactly what it sounds like, brat. Yeah. I guess that means we're kind of _a thing_ now. I guess. Damn. This is embarrassing, but for Eren Jaeger this looks like the best day of his fucking life. He's beaming, I swear. ''Definitely not.''

-

 

''I really, really, really, REALLY love you!''

''I know. I know.''

''No. You big meanie, you should say _me too_!''

''More like Fuck you.''

''...You did.'' Pause. His eyes flash with mischief and he leans forward against the counter... He fucking arches his back and makes sure I notice his ass... Damn. Asshole! ''Round 2?''

''I'm trying to be serious, here.''

''You didn't even finish in me!''

''...I said, I'm trying to be serious.'' Fuck. That totally went to my groin. Stop doing this right this instant, Eren. I'm trying to talk about your fucking healing. You were so worried about this just minutes ago and now... Now, you're asking for a fucking Round 2!? Get off my dick for a second and let's finish this conversation. You can sigh all you want. Let me get over this first... I'll be more than happy to comply after it.

I didn't call Mike. Not yet. I knew exactly what Armin wanted me to do with the information that Mike was actually reliable... and could help. I knew, because Armin and I probably thought the same thing upon seeing the way Eren healed himself. He wasn't normal. He was incredibly hot when he healed... as in, burning hot. He was healing in a similar way to what he used to... back then. I mean, if Eren's current family situation had been different, I probably wouldn't have thought of this at all. I mean. He'd have a mom who gave him birth, fuck... but now, with all of this, I wasn't so sure this Eren Jaeger had a Mom who gave birth to him. More like, I was pretty sure I was right. I just wanted to confirm it... So, here I am, I am trying to explain to a shithead what the Replayer is because... well:

''I want you to dive into the Replayer, Eren.''

''Why? You just told me they could try to make Titans if I showed them how Grisha did it in the first place...''

''Yeah, but it'll be just you and me... and Mike, if Armin is right.''

''Isn't it dangerous, Levi? We're going to get into that building, get me into the Replayer to be Eren, once again, just to know how I died? I mean, is that really important? It doesn't feel like it's worth the risk... just for our curiosity. I told you anyway, I died on the shore and I really don't see how this is connected to how I healed.''

Pause. Silence. Oh right, he's still going on about that, uh. The shore. He thinks he died on the shore like I did... but I'm positive I died on that shore, not him. I'm 100% sure because the Replayer showed me, but he looks so fucking convinced that it's kind of hard to just walk over his belief to make him see what I think... at least, to consider it. At the same time, I feel like it might be better to introduce him to the idea that, maybe, just maybe, he didn't die on that shore. Maybe, just maybe, the Replayer will show him something different... like how he...

''I really don't think you died on that shore, Eren.'' I start and I can feel him getting restless around me. He asks questions. Why am I saying that? Why do I think that? Why does he remember the shore? Isn't that weird?

''Yes, it's weird... and I might be wrong because I'm not sure why you remember the shore, but... to be honest, I... I think you didn't die. I think that, maybe, just maybe, Eren Jaeger didn't die.''

I swear, he looks at me like I said the most stupid thing ever. He fucking laughs and he says: ''Then what? I'm not really Eren Jaeger and there's another Eren Jaeger somewhere?''

And it makes my stomach turn because this is going to be hard on him if I'm right, because... Fuck, he might just be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM OMFG! ABOUT TIME, LEVI! DAMN IT!... no, but seriously! I glad this one is done ahah =) The next two chapters are already started... and on the way! I couldn't wait and already started to work on the Replayer chapter with Eren! Yay! =) Hope you liked this chapter! Other than that, well... I discovered the website/application: Polyvore and I was thinking of playing around with it and make outfits of Eren and Levi, what do you think?! I don't know. I've seen that somewhere and I actually liked it a lot so... Well, I was just thinking. Maybe it's just me and I had too much free time at work today! lol xD
> 
> _I must be dreaming_  
>  _Or we're onto something_  
>  _Hey just watcha make me_  
>  _For I don't fall in love lawlessly_  
>  _I must be dreaming_  
>  _Or pinch me to waking_  
>  _So undeniably yours_  
>  _As long as I'm losing it so completely_  
>  Must be Dreaming - FrouFrou


	22. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is... I know we've been into a somewhat weekly release lately, but I doubt I'll keep this up for the next chapters. I have written the end of this story already. It's down. Yay! I just need to get there... which will probably take like five more chapters or so. I'll be honest. I kind of have a little down right now... I am really excited for the next chapter because it'll be the Replayer (from Eren's POV), but it is a bitch to write. So, yeah... I'M IN MASSIVE NEED OF ENCOURAGEMENT BECAUSE: FUCK! IT'S A HUGE BITCH TO WRITE DOWN!!!!!!
> 
> Oh, and you've read that right... This Fic is slowly getting to the end! HOLD MY FUCKING HAND SO I DON'T FUCK THIS UP AND DROP THIS OMFG! I'm bad at this not quitting thing ahah... -_-'
> 
> This chapter is purely Ereri and is 'kind of' irrevelant to the plot. I just needed my dose of Ereri before we get on the 'Express to the End' Train... So yeah, I am wondering if you guy rather have short chapter for each POV in the future or just different POV in the same chapter? I kind of need to switch POV a lot through the 'Express to the End' Train and was initially thinking of switching chapter each time, but then... It would turns this into TONS of short chapters.. What do you think? I'm actually asking you a question here. It would be cool if you answers so I don't have to slam my head against the wall to find a solution that would suit you and work on the chapters instead... just saying.

"Eren Jaeger!"

The one and only Eren Jaeger. Yeah, the same guy that is currently refusing to leave the bed and hiding under the comforter... and it's been a while now. I understand. I really do, but my patience is really getting thin right now. I want to clean the room, do the laundry and redo the fucking bed. I feel disgusting and I want to take a shower. I want to take it with him. It annoys the living shit out of me! Yet, even after yelling at him and trying to push him out of the bed, he didn’t move an inch. His stubbornness didn’t surprise me, but his weight when I tried to get him to move out of the bed... or even to just roll out of it... was actually surprising. It’s probably the height. I swear, it’s the height. The fucking height. Always the height.

This whole thing, it didn’t start just now. It started about a week ago when Eren Jaeger went bottom for the first time... ~~and came right away~~. It started there and I lasted the whole week because, for some reason, Eren Jaeger wouldn’t just let me switch positions and get over the fucking problem in the first place. No. Fuck, no. That would be too easy. The little shit had to argue. He used arguments like: I want _you_ to make me feel good! He won. He totally won. I couldn’t find the strength to say _No_ to that. And, so, I learned that, for some reason, he always got incredibly excited and nervous whenever he knew he was going to bottom in bed... like he could barely keep it together. It’s kind of personal, I guess. Eren probably would be upset if I said the problem out loud. Not that it’s a problem, but... You know, I like when sex lasts more than five minutes tops. Well... it’s more than five minutes if you count all the time we can spend making out, touching, kissing and feeling each other, but definitely a maximum of five minutes inside him... Five minutes TOPS. It’s beyond my comprehension, because it’s not the most _pleasant_ experience right away to have dick buried in your ass. Yet, without fail, he doesn’t last. He always comes. I do it slow... He still comes too soon. I cut short the preliminaries to leave only the necessary stuff... He still comes too soon. Whatever I do. Whatever I try. It doesn’t exactly improve the problem of his stupid restless excitement... Not that I am unpleased by the way he reacts to everything, though. It feels like a weird boost to my ego... and at the same time, it’s the opposite.

Even just now. Even with him on top of me. I had to put my hands on his hips to force him to hold his position and stop bouncing up and down like a madman. I could tell he was close again. Very close. I knew the signs by now. I noticed the way his voice got high pitched and how he started to whine. He was doing it. He was above me... but he was still bottoming. I made the suggestion to do it this way. To try it this way. I did it because I wanted him to control the pace as he felt it, but I really didn’t see him trying to listen to his own body at all...

More like rushing to his orgasm.

I was the one paying attention to all the warnings his body gave because... Fuck. He was really doing it. His head was rolling back and the sounds his pretty mouth was making were heavenly. He wasn’t trying really hard... Don’t get the wrong idea, it feels amazing anyway... but we had this conversation in the first place because he didn’t like it; he said he wanted to try to make it right. He said he wanted me to feel good. He said he wanted me to come when we were doing it. He said he could do it with his usual determined expression and I nodded. Yeah, I love that sight. I really do. I don’t like him as a quitter. Don’t get the wrong idea again, though; I didn’t do this because I’m selfish and just thinking of my own needs. I just want us to have a good time... together, you know. So, my hold got firmer to keep him in place... for real. Welcome back to Earth, Eren Jeager! It was like he was out of a daze for an instant. He looked upset because I had just stopped him from reaching his orgasm, but as reality washed over him... He became red as a tomato. And he did it right after that. He didn’t just become erratic for two minutes and, then, come. He actually calmed down and slowed down at times. He managed to get my hips to buck forward. So, yeah, it worked! I felt my legs trembling at one point. I was close. So very close. Yet, he came and it was like his whole body and brain crashed afterward. He made a record, though, and lasted longer than usual.

And now, he is sulking because I came in my fist... again.

It doesn't even bother me that much. I came pretty fast and I just looked at his wasted body on the mattress next to me. Sometimes, I would just get behind him and do it close to his little ass. It was easy to imagine I was actually in him and not in my hand in this position. No, really, it doesn't disappoint me or anything. I mean, I actually expected the opposite. I thought he would be the one to have a hard time coming. I thought I'd have to touch him to make him come... Now, I definitely don't have to touch him.

Let's be honest, though, the best thing about this is the way he reacts when I touch him afterward...  when he's super sensitive, he definitely makes the best faces. He always get super tense and he whines. His face gets redder and redder. He looks at me like his life depends on it and he's fucking shaking when I put it in my mouth. Fuck. And sometimes, when I'm being too much of a little shit with his dick, I manage to get him to laugh while he's telling me to stop and, at the same time, he moans because I run my hand down his length... His knees jerk up. His head jerks back. When we kiss, he smiles. It's perfect.

Yeah, I really don't care.

"Eren... Shower. Now."

I hear him groan from his spot under the comforter in response, but he doesn't move... well, not until I throw the comforter to the side. Fuck this. I need to do the laundry and I'll have to do the bed anyway. Just get out of the bed and join me in the shower, damn it. I want to take it with you. I don't know what's wrong with me lately because it isn't like me at all, but I'm a fucking _cuddler_ now. Not just after sex too. I'm a fucking _cuddler_ in general now... Yeah I know, What the Fuck!? I don't need us to do everything together, but sometimes I feel like we can use it. Right now is definitely a good time for it... Totally. He needs it. He needs it to stop thinking he's bad at sex or something. He needs it to see that I'm still there... that it doesn't matter. To boost his self-confidence a little.

Out of the comforter and coming in contact with the cold air of the room, he automatically jerks into a foetus position with a loud shout. ''Damn it!''

More like: Damn you for being so silly!

''Hurry up or I'm going without you...''

''No. Wait! I'm not over it, yet!''

''There's nothing for you to get over, brat. Come on.'' _It's not like I'm in it for the sex, brat._

''What's the hurry, anyway!?''

''I need to get ready soon... I want to clean this shithole before I leave, so get moving.''  I lean against the doorframe and I look at him... at his stupid little face when he switches positions to look at me with curiosity shining in his eyes. Oh. Yeah. He's slowly processing the information that I am leaving somewhere without him and without telling him where... yet. Not that I intended to turn this into a secret, but I might. Now, I might. If this is going to get him out of the bed. I sure as fuck am using this! So, yeah, I take the most nonchalant pose I can manage with my arms crossed on my chest and my hips forward a bit as my back is against the door and I say: ''I don't want to make them wait for me, so...''

That totally does it. He gets into a sitting position in an instant. No, he sits and then leans forward... more forward... until he's on all fours on the edge of the bed looking at me with wide open eyes suddenly. He asks : ''Wha-Who... I mean, why do we need to clean if you're going out with someone... It's not like they're coming here.''

Ooh... I didn't even think about that. It's even better. I thought he'd stop at 'Who' like... 'Who are you meeting? Is it Erwin Smith? Because I'm totally going!' It seems, Eren doesn't like Erwin Smith a lot. He saw him once on Skype when I tried to talk to Mike like two days ago. He got obstinate and didn't want Erwin Smith to see him suddenly. I saw him play around on his phone out of the corner of my eye and he received a message text like five seconds after... from who I assumed he just texted. After that, he seemed to eye this whole conversation with Erwin a lot differently and I didn't really get all the hate, but... I'm pretty sure I can thank Mikasa for that. Pretty damn sure. And now, well... I enjoy teasing his possessive side a bit.

''Depending on how it goes... we might not be able to do stuff like showering together again for a while.''

I really need to fight the urge to smile when I see him get all worried and drag me into the bathroom in a flash to undress the both of us in a hurry... Yeah. He suddenly turns into a fucking tornado and does more than I fucking asked him to. He doesn't let me clean myself in peace and keeps touching me until I come... again. He didn't leave my neck alone one second and I know it'll leave marks. Don't worry. I returned the favor by getting on my knees and judging by the way he gripped my hair, I assume he liked it a lot. Then, the tornado did the laundry, the vacuum and helped me get ready... more like distracted me a lot while I was getting ready. I had to redo the button of my [shirt](http://www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=135382399) like 3 times because he kept undoing them. I had to put my shirt back into my pants like 10 times before I gave up and just let it go. He kept pulling it out to put his hand underneath (or at least try to...) He asked me millions of questions about what I was going to do... with who? To which I responded in the most evasive way possible. He knew I was being a bitch to him, but he is always a little bit to me too anyway. He played with my watch asking me where I got it... I had to admit it was a gift from Petra years ago for our wedding anniversary and I still really liked it. It was weird how he didn't seem to consider Petra much of a threat... well, less than Erwin, but that was probably because Erwin was a very handsome man after all. He simply smiled and said Petra had good taste... which is true. He also played with the Rainbow Loom bracelet on my wrist and he didn't need to ask about this one... we both knew that was Mikasa's gift and it didn't matter if it was too colorful for my taste because it was from my little baby.

Let me tell you one thing though, when we meet again by the door as I put on my coat... [Me](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=135384859), to go out with my little girl _without letting Eren know,_[him](http://www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=135384699), to go to work, his fucking gayness nearly blinds me when I see him run to the door to put a fucking **_PINK_** hat on his mess of hair. _Pink_ , seriously now? Light pink, but still! And it matches the fucking scarf he wraps around his neck. I guess I didn't notice when I first brought him in the apartment or whenever he left it to go home or to work. So, yeah, it slipped my lips and I said :

''Do you really have to be so fucking gay, Jaeger?''

[He](http://www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=135384366) looks up after dropping his _galaxy pink-ish backpack_ to the floor and starting to put on some kind of... well, boots that look like what Mikasa is wearing on her feet at home to keep them warm. This shit doesn't look like it can keep the water away for very long and his coat can barely be called a coat... He doesn't put a hoodie underneath it for nothing. He looks up and he looks at me like... like I just called him an alien or something. ''What?''

I'll argue about his clothes and his health later.

''I said... Do you really have to be so fucking gay?''

''Hum... if you didn't already know... I _am_  gay.''

''What's up with all the pink? I am gay too, but do you see me wearing pink? It makes me want to puke!''

''It looks good on me with my skin and all...'' He stands up after tucking his jeans into his boots and his stupid phone and phone case in his pocket... I'm glad this thing is out of my sight. Ok. OK! Maybe the light peach pink does look good with your caramel skin. Maybe it looks good with your brown hair peaking out of the hat and your green eyes looking at me. It's true. Ok. It's true, but it's still... a horrible choice of color. It doesn't matter if you look cute as fuck with it. It's still shit!... because it's pink.

''I think it makes you want to kiss me!'' He responds with a smile at the corner of his lips... and maybe it's true, but I keep a straight face because... Urgh! That color. I answer with: ''It makes me want _you..._ to buy milk when you come back home. That'll be all. See you later. Lock the door.''

And I leave... but you shout for me to wait and I do give you a little peck on the lips before we part ways in the parking lot.

I also wrap your scarf tighter around your neck because it wasn't covering and protecting anything from the cold... and I just felt like touching you for an instant so I let our noses brush and the smile it brought to your lips made my embarrassment go to hell.

-

 

It's nothing really, it's just St-Hubert, but [my baby girl](http://www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=135469041) looks like she's having a good time and it's perfect like that. It is. Her pink scarf reminds me of Eren because it's Pink and I know we need to talk about Eren. It's just reminding me that I can't avoid the subject... because Eren will be home tonight. For the first time, it might be the three of us in my small apartment. Maybe. I'm ready for a 'No' and I'm ready to bring her back to Petra's place. Petra knows it. We talked about it this week... and, aside from asking way too many things about Eren, she agreed with everything. She's on my side. She is.

But, I'm not talking about Eren... yet.

Mikasa talks about School... about her new teachers and her new classmates. She says she made friends with a girl called Krista and her girlfriend; Ymir. I almost choke on my water when I hear that... because, Fuck! I was so far from even CONSIDERING being gay when I was that age... not in a thousand years. She laughs at my reaction. It's like she knows what I'm thinking because she mentions Eren. She mentions how old he is... and that it isn't much older. Yet, he knows. Yeah, well, it's different. To me, it is. These few years, they make all the difference... Right? Right!

Mikasa orders a wrap, because that's what she always eats, with an Iced Tea, while I take the simple chicken breast... with nothing to drink. Water is fine with me.

Soon enough, I find myself unable to avoid talking about Eren, because she keeps returning to him one way or another... It starts innocently and I don't really think much of it. For an instant, I almost forget that she talks to Eren... well, until she asks in a straight-forward manner that definitely comes from my side of the family: 

''Are you going out with Eren, now?''

If I was choking on my glass of water earlier... now, I'm fucking drowning myself.

''What the hell... Where did that come from?''

''Well,... Are you?''

Pause. Am I? Are we? We didn't really talk about that did we? And yet, I was ready to have the talk with Mikasa tonight... as in; right now. ''I guess, yeah.''

''I'm sorry... then.''

''For what?''

''I told him about Erwin... He asked me what your relation was and I said you were banging.''

''Oh hey! Watch your fucking language, Kasa!'' Is this what they learn in Secondary School these days? Fuck, that's so vulgar... I want to keep my daughter as innocent as possible, damn it!

''Look who's talking.''

I guess she makes a point.

Our meals arrive and I kind of mumble something like: ''It's fine,'' over our food, because it is. I know she told him already. I was right when I thought he asked her... I expected this, so I don't really care. I'd definitely like if they could stop talking about my life though. I can handle Eren's questions on my own for fuck's sake.

''So... Can I still come home or am I going to find him with his pants around his ankles or something?''

''Oh my fucking god... Can you stop with the vulgarity already!'' Pause... Silence. Right, this happened before, uh? ''It won't happen again... I promise.''

She smiles. It's a little playful smile and I know she's kidding... well, half-kidding and half-serious, because this really won't happen again. I'll make sure of it! I'll totally make sure Eren is careful too. Although Eren and careful probably don't match, I'll try.

There's a pause in the flow as we eat and I'm trying to find a good way to ask the real question out loud... not in a joking way. In a serious way, because I really am serious. It seems like my whole meal isn't enough to find the right words and I find myself puking the question out and trying to make it sounds as 'normal' as possible.

''Hey, Listen...'' I start and her grey eyes meet mine halfway. Maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she doesn't mind. Maybe she already knows. One way or another, it's important to say it out loud, right? If I was alone without a daughter, I wouldn't care. I'd just do whatever, because I wouldn't have responsibility toward her. This isn't just MY house. It's HER house as well. So, I swallow to gain time before I finally say it. ''I understand if it bothers you... and I'll send him home, but Eren is spending a lot of time at home and he sleeps there a lot. He's not living there, but you know... He's there a lot and I just want to make sure you're good with this.''

Oh god. I fucking did it. I don't even know why it was so hard to say in the end. She's just there and she shakes her head. She doesn't even look like she cares... at all.

''I thought it was already clear that it didn't bother me... It's all good, really.''

And I feel like a weight is suddenly off my shoulders as stupid as it sounds, because... Yeah, Eren is younger than me, but he's turning eighteen in a few months and it just happened, I guess. Regardless of how old he is.

And my daughter doesn't mind his presence in the apartment.

-

 

Around eight, the time of his break, Eren sends me a single text message...

**Eren Fucking Jaeger :** LIAR! You didn't even meet Erwin!

**Me** : I never said I was meeting Erwin you dumb fuck.

I don't tell him about the news or anything. I'm not the type to text a lot anyway... we'll see each other in a few hours anyway. Around midnight, probably, because he finishes his shift at eleven.

-

 

I don't even hear Eren Jaeger come home... I only notice he's back when I hear the bed cringe under his weight and feel cold hands in my hair. I think I also notice a kiss to my temple, but when I open my eyes he's already back on his feet. I notice his silly uniform and I smile a little, because he looks weird in these clothes. Yet, I realized earlier this week that I had a thing for it... more like, I had a thing for him in his blue shirt from the IGA with his little nametag on his chest. I enjoyed myself a lot with it and it made sucking his dick a lot more enjoyable for some reason... Don't ask me why. I don't want to think about it. I just grab his wrist before he gets too far and I see him turn my way in the dark. I barely see him, but I know he leans forward to kiss me fully. He tastes like cherry, probably gum. I hate this flavor and I fail to understand why he likes it, but I don't mind that much when it's on his tongue like that... I really don't.

He pushes himself up on top of me and he stares down at me... it's dark and I'm not sure he can see my face. If he can see it the way I see his, then he can probably guess the smile floating on my lips. I need to get you off in this uniform right now, oh god. Why did I bring Mikasa home?

''Do you like me with a shirt or something?'' he asks playfully and I can feel the smile on his lips.

I breathe a ''Yeah'' somewhere in his mouth and I feel the smile getting wider against my lips. ''...I think I do.''

And I tease the front of his pants. I play with the hem and pull the shirt out of it to touch his skin, to move up the trail of dark hair until I reach his navel... before shoving him away and telling him it's not possible right now. Let me think I'm can live without your dick while Mikasa is in my house for at least for a day, please!

-

 

I’m at that point where I’m still conscious, but very close to falling into sleep, when he comes back and shakes me awake. I groan. I flip on my back and see a face surrounded by a mop of messy hair... This is totally Eren. I don’t even need to see him. I just know from his shape and the position of his hands on me touching me fully; one on my shoulder and the second resting on my waist. I can’t see his expression, but I know from his voice... He’s freaking out.

"Shit, Shit, Shit! Levi! Mikasa is here!"

Oh... Right. Fuck, I didn’t mention it in the end.

"I just... I thought you had left the light on in her room by accident or something...

"Oh my god, Eren..." I start slowly and quietly. My voice is hoarse. I was totally off to sleep before this. It’s my mistake though. I totally forgot this would happen.

"Don't worry, she didn’t see me! Well, I think... but Levi! What are we gonna do!? I can’t go back home at this time."

I try to grasp what he’s wearing in the dark. I think I see a t-shirt, but I’m not sure. I’m too lazy to extend my hand and touch to be sure. I don’t see any pants. The leg that is on the edge of the bed seems to be bare, but... Sleeping naked isn’t something I’ve seen him do... _yet_. I’m guessing he’s wearing boxers or something. Probably. Most likely. Then... even if she saw him, she didn’t see his naked ass.

"It’s fine." I groan. I roll on the other side to lightly tap the mattress next to me... and I must be out of my fucking mind because I add: "Come here... I want to sleep against your chest."

He’s probably thinking I’m out of my mind too, because I don’t usually ask. I usually just move closer until he gets the damn message, but he doesn’t question it. I feel the weight leave my side of the mattress. I hear the door closing slowly, carefully. Then, the weight is back followed by the familiar heat. He smells like his Old Spice body wash and his hair is still a bit wet from his shower. I didn’t even notice he went to a shower since he came back from work. I might have been asleep, after all... but it doesn’t matter. He gets closer until he can put his chin on top of my head and his arm around me... and, even though I know this position won’t last, it feels better to sleep with him rather than sleep alone.


	23. Eren

They should have played some Tron soundtrack when I entered the building... I could easily imagine myself to the sound of it because I totally felt like Flynn when he saw the grid for the first time and entered it... Yeah, this whole building looked like something out of this world, that's how modern it was. It was unlike anything I had ever seen and it was freaking cool. I had nothing else to say to describe it. I was [wearing](http://www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=136098687) my darkest jeans, like Levi told me, with his black hoodie because my clothes were too light for Levi’s taste. I even had to put my baseball cap under my hoodie to hide my face even more. It was just a precaution and Levi said everything would be alright. He said Mike would handle the camera, because... Well, it seems that Mike, the tall guy walking in front of me, is the next level computer nerd. As in, he's a beast at it. He’s also Erwin’s boyfriend... which suddenly made me like him a lot. When I saw Erwin at the door with his muscles and his impressive height, I kind of felt like a kid... literally. Levi and this guy, they used to be a _thing_. I got self-conscious. I’m just a kid in comparison to this guy. He was probably able to manhandle Levi a lot, unlike me. I could imagine him lifting Levi off his feet, to take him against the wall or to drag him into the bedroom to throw him on the bed and make love to him. I don’t even know why I wasted time thinking about it, but I did... and my scenarios were always incredibly hot, which really didn’t help my confidence and my relationship with Levi’s dear friend.

At least, now, there is Mike... Mike is tall and blonde. Levi is small and dark haired. Mike wears a mustache and a beard of a few days on his face. Levi has little to zero hair on his face; even his eyebrows are thin...  just like the rest of his body... I mean, not that I am thinking about any part of Levi’s body right now! Back on topic, Mike isn’t as broad as Erwin, but he isn’t lacking there either. He has a small waist like Levi because he’s tall and slim, sure, but he has large shoulders. It is kind of hard to believe Erwin went from Levi to... this guy. And I like to think that the big Erwin, staying home to babysit Mikasa, isn’t into small guys like Levi anymore... and Levi, walking by my side with our hands brushing together, isn’t into big guys like him anymore either.

He probably would agree to something like that too, but he is too busy guiding us into the huge building to notice any of the glances I give the two of them... or the way I make sure our hands touch whenever I can.  
  
And this building he leads us through, is awesome. If I had seen this place years ago, I would have freaked out, but I’m getting used to the technology now. I love how the lights in the ceiling open when the sensor sees us. I love how it seems like everything lights up as I walk until I reach the central room where everything is already mostly in light because of everyone still in the building. Levi had said some people were so hooked to the Replayer, they barely went outside... and I didn't really believe him, but when I reach the middle of the building and raise my head to look up to all the different floors above us; I can see it. There are people on almost each floor according to the way the lights are kept open for them... I can even see some of them walk around the building. I can totally see them under the bright and blue-ish lights opening and closing as they move. Yeah, I feel like I am entering the Grid and I could totally imagine [The Grid](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ET2heMLCjug) is playing as I follow Levi and Mike toward the elevator. Totally.

To my left, Levi asks Mike something about the floor we end up on... He says something about the room being different and just thinking about doing it in his old office since Mike said it was empty. I barely register their conversation. I'm just there looking through the windows... to the city all around us. I could never really get over their tall buildings as high as the walls back in the day. I just notice the door at the end of the long corridor when we get there and Mike points the one camera to Levi... who shrugs in response. They discuss some technical stuff which doesn't really make sense to me. I've never been good with technology. I got used to my phone and to the machine to use my bus pass on... pretty much. I got used to the television at Levi's place because he stopped coming to set it up for me when I called for him. I didn't really have a choice, but to learn it... and, when the door finally opens to the machine Levi called The Replayer, I know I don't really want to know how it works either.

-

 

I'm kind of nervous... very nervous for some reason. I sit in the chair and I feel like I can never make it feel comfortable. There are some weird stickers on my head, my face and my chest with wires going into a machine. Levi said it was just to make sure everything was going alright and he squeezed my knee gently when I looked at him panicked. Mike sits in another chair and does some stuff on the computer while Levi prepares me... both physically and mentally, because I'm totally shitting my pants now.

''You won't have to do a thing... It'll get all white and all, but just let Mike handle the machine on this side and you'll be alright. We'll be able to see what you see from here too, so don't worry about a thing.''

I nod. Fuck. I've done nothing but nod ever since we got in here... What if it doesn't work? Mike did mention something called 'Synchronisation' earlier. What if I can't do it? I know Levi said he wasn't worried about it, but... I don't even know if I'm supposed to do anything to synchronise!

''Levi... '' I start, but they interrupt me before I can even start with my worries. We don't have much time, I know. Levi told me that before we left the car... so, I let it go. I hear Mike call to Levi that everything is ready and Levi finally grabs my hand between his, softly.

He says: ''See you later, Eren.''

There's a little smile at the corner of his eyes and then the world fades to... more like, lights up to white. Pure. Perfect. Completely white... and then, it starts.

Like the lines of a drawing, starting from the basing stuff, I see the wall. I see all the roofs of the houses around me. I see the one I'm on and I see the gap between them when I jump from one to another... until I'm as close as possible to the gate by which people go through.

Like a painter finally adding color to his painting, color slowly appears and covers the white entirely. The cloaks on their shoulders turn to green and I recognize this color... I recognize the pattern in the wind. I recognize them... It's her. It's him. It's my world and...

I'm back.

-

 

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_His small figure disappears on the other side of the gate... His cloak in the wind; he reminds him of the back riding in front of him in the forest when they were chased by the Female Titan... He looks like Humanity's Strongest, which he is. He looks like the Corporal that the kid looked up at years ago, which he is. It's just that he is so much more now. The blinding light on the other side of the wall swallows him whole and the wings of freedom on his back is the last thing the boy sees of him_.

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_On the 7th day, like every other day, his first thought is for them. He imagines Levi and Mikasa on their horses looking strong and free. He wonders if they're getting along even though they don't really like each other. They have to. They're stuck together after all. His second thought is for their safety. His 3rd thought, though, is for Levi... just him. He closes his eyes and he buries his face in the pillow he stole from Levi's room._ His _pillow. It doesn't smell like_ him _anymore... it smells more like the boy, but he still holds it close to his chest_.

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_On the 10th day, he is not worried... He just misses Levi. He finds it hard to sneak away from his 'watchers' /more like 'Damn Babysitters/ while Levi isn't there to watch over him. It's nearly impossible to get into Levi's apartment now. It's annoying... He wants to go there. He wants to sleep in this bed._.. _and in his stuff... as if he were there._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_On the 14th day, he is found sitting on the wall with his usual 'company' standing a few feet away... always. Even though Armin is there. Even though he said he would watch over Eren. They didn't trust Armin... not that Eren doubted he wouldn't be able to win him over if he needed to. It's been two weeks, like Armin and Erwin estimated it would take for the whole expedition to go, do what they needed to do and come back home._

_He tells Eren that waiting is only going to make it seem longer. He tells Eren to think about something else and to stop counting the days. Levi will come back when he's not expecting it. He is right... probably. Anything could have delayed this expedition, but the feeling that something is off gets under his skin._

_Levi is_ **always** _on time._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_"They should’ve come back days ago!"_

_Eren Jaeger’s voice can be heard through the castle… that’s how loud he screams at Hanji the moment he opens the door. It’s the 22nd day. Levi still isn’t back… and now, Eren is starting to get worried. At this point, even Armin is worried._

_"I’ll go and look for hi-…_ for them _myself; you won’t have to send anyone!_ _"_

_…and the answer is a simple "No" when Hanji raises her head from her papers to look at him._ _She smiles and she laughs like she always does… creepily. "What were you about to say, Eren? Missing the shortie?_ _"_

_The smile she wears on her lips is knowingly, like she doesn’t even need an answer to this question... and she continues, more seriously:_ _"Don’t worry, I sent people there already… They should be back with the news in a few days."_

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_On the 25th day, no one tells Eren about it... They just tell him and Armin to follow them. They just lead them into Erwin's office. For an instant, he actually thinks Erwin is going to be on the other side of that door. He thinks Levi will be there too. He thinks of the older man's small eyes looking at him from the corner of his eyes... and trying not to be too obvious. The boy can't really help but sigh when his eyes meet Hanji sitting in one of the chairs without Levi or Erwin in sight._

_She tells them to take a seat... and Armin takes it. He keeps himself together and puts his hands on his knees, but Eren is slowly taking note of the crack on his mask of rationality. It's crumbling. He started to ask questions, but Armin kept saying everything was fine. He is nervous. He is restless about thing he usually isn't... and it led Eren to one question; is he waiting for someone to come back after all? At first, he thought it was Jean... because they got along well. He thought it was Mikasa. One way or another, it didn't click. Eren didn't think it was that and let it be for the time being... just watching over him quietly even though he had his hands full with his own emotions._

_But he kept thinking about it._

_''It's about the expedition... The one Erwin, Levi and Mikasa were a part of.'' Pause. Silence. Why does she mention Erwin? Does it matter? She mentions Mikasa because they both hold her dear... and Levi, because... well, it's Levi, and Hanji seems to know a little about their 'thing' between them. Or something like that. Then, Erwin, the commander... and while Eren goes over Armin's figure sitting a little bit in front of him, he doesn't really pay attention to him… Because, that's it. Finally. This is it!_

_''The mission seemed to be a success according to the report and they are...''_

_She's going to tell them they're back. She totally is. Levi is probably taking a bath right now, because that's the first thing he'd do... of course! If Hanji let him take his leave, he might be able to make it before Levi gets out of his bath. He might be able to join him. He might be able to cover him with sweet kisses and touches. He might be able to go back to sleep with him. He could use a real sleep for once. It doesn’t matter if it’s daytime. Oh. He wants to go now... so, why do they look so gloomy while he's just beaming like an idiot?_

_It's not like they didn't come back. Levi is reliable, he always comes back. He is strong too. He did his mission and won, like he always does. Now, he is..._

_''...gone.''_

_No. He didn't hear this. No. He can't stop smiling. He can't accept this. It's impossible. He have to maintain the smile... he can't just cry and break apart. He can't throw a fit in here. This isn't even real._

_Levi is reliable!_

_Levi always comes back!_

_He has to._

_He doesn't even notice Armin breaking apart until he hears the painful choke when he breathes... but, when he does, he can't even believe Armin keeps his act. The blond's body drops forward and his long hair covers his face. It hides his expression while he rebuilds his composure and stands back up to a straight position, a strong position. And then, finally, Eren realizes that, maybe, just maybe, this is real._

_Eren's voice moans a broken ''No'' that is painful to even pronounce and Armin turns to look at him. He mouths his name silently. Eren. It's like he's trying to avoid the crisis. It's like he's trying to keep him from tearing the whole place apart, because he really feels himself boiling. He knows this feeling and Levi helped him control it... but if he's.... if he's..._

_''No! They must have missed them!''_

_She says: ''Eren.''_

_And he says: ''No!''_

_He knows she is trying to be comforting in some way, but he's not having any of it._

_''They did it! There are no more Titans, Hanji! NONE! Levi must be on his way home! He has to. He won! After the basement, after learning how to make shifters, after destroying the information... after all this! He killed them all! We killed them all! Mikasa is coming too.'' And he turns his head to Armin to add: ''Erwin too.''_

_Right, Armin? Because it's starting to make sense now... a little._

_''Do more research! Search the whole area! You'll find them. Maybe they're stuck and they can't come back home for some reason... Maybe they're waiting for us to join them outside the walls!''_

_A part of him believes it. Another doesn't. It's useless and he knows it. This other part knows. This other part accepts it already when he leaves the office, but there's still a part of him that wants to believe... Believe Levi is out there and will come back to him with everyone else. He hopes._

_For Armin, there is no hope. For Armin, it takes the whole hallway and all the stairs leading down to the dining room before he completely falls apart and asks Eren what is going to happen to him if Erwin leaves him behind... and Eren can't find the words to say to his friend._

_-_

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_It feels weird to know there’s someone else in the bed… and it’s different… and it hurts a little when he turns around to switch sides, because it makes him fully realize it’s not Levi. Instead of black hair, it’s blond hair… Instead of a sleeping person with a relaxed expression for once, it’s a wide awake one… with a painful expression on his face. The brunet finds Armin’s hand above the covers and squeezes it lightly. He still can’t find the words. He didn’t ask about Armin’s situation. He just helped as best as he could by keeping him company when he didn’t want to be alone… and he really didn’t seem like he’d be able to stay alone judging by the depressing things he said._

_At first, Armin really didn’t want to sleep in that room… or in that bed. He said it wasn’t his spot… so, Eren took Levi’s usual side whenever he slept there and he had Armin take_ his _side. It was weird and, when he opened his eyes to the wall in front of him, he thought this was exactly what Levi woke up to each time he slept there. He thought of Levi again and it was painful._

_For a while, Armin just stays there… looking up at the ceiling without moving. He doesn’t even react when Eren squeezes his hand. It’s quiet and Eren starts to think Armin isn’t going to explain anything today either. So much, that he is actually surprised by the voice when it reaches his ears._

_''You didn’t ask why I knew…'' he starts quietly, and Eren wonders if he was meant to hear this at all since it doesn’t make any sense, but then the blond continues as if he knew Eren didn’t get it. ''About Levi and you.''_

_''Oh…'' He sighs. He wants to roll on his back, but he also thinks that he needs to see Armin… to see his expression when he talks, because this is important. He feels like this is important. Really important. ''Well, I’ve been pretty obvious recently. I just… I got a little bit worked up because he wasn’t here yet… still isn’t.''_

_No. He shakes his head. This isn’t it._

_''No… I knew before that. I knew before... because I watched you a lot… all the time. And, each time, you were always looking at him. It took me a while. At first, I thought it was just admiration. You looked at him and you tried your best to make him look at you… even though it wasn’t really successful. I felt like you were always in his way. Then, suddenly, after Annie, you calmed down a bit and I thought it was over. I thought that, maybe, I had my chance and whatever you had with Levi was gone...''_

_And Eren just listens… trying to understand why it suddenly matters. It shouldn’t. Levi isn’t back yet… and he might never come back. Why does it matter to Armin at all? Why did he see all this? Why does he have to bring it up? Of course it was different after the Female Titan... because they had their first kiss all alone in the room where she was kept. It changed. Of course it changed._

_''I don’t really…''_

_''…but it was just different. You still looked at him and it was like you were suddenly aware of your surroundings when you did… like you didn’t want anyone else to notice you did. You stopped talking about him all the time. You became secretive about Levi, and Mikasa probably didn’t really notice the nuance, but I did._ I did _. I noticed and I knew you liked Levi a lot more than you let on, but I kept on wishing. Then, one day, I went back after you when we were done cleaning like Levi ordered. I wondered why I heard your animated voice coming from the storage room and I went… and I found you. I found you there with Levi and you were kissing him... and you had your hands roaming down his back... squeezing him against you. I stopped right there and I instantly forgot why I wanted to see you. I went back. I went back and I only thought about one thing...'' Pause. Armin inhales deeply and swallows. He closes his eyes… and finally, he says it even more quietly than the rest: ''I realized I wanted you to kiss me like that...''_

_Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Eren suddenly sits in the bed… like he got struck by lightning. He remembers that... time in the storage. Fuck! Were there more times like that? He always thought they were careful. Levi was always careful, right? He blushes. He turns red like a damn tomato and he tries to find something... ANYTHING... to say._

_''What about Erwin then?'' He thought Erwin had some kind of special relationship with Armin. He thought it was alright to sleep next to Armin and to keep him company because he was hurt… but if this is about Levi, then… No. Just no. This isn’t what he thinks…!_

_And this will change the subject... no more talk about intimate things with Levi._

_''Erwin… well, Erwin and Mike were more than friends… Nile kept asking about stuff like that. He thought Erwin would take a wife at one point, but Erwin didn’t want a wife. He had Mike… until Mike died. I don’t really know how it happened to be honest. I felt like I couldn’t do anything, but work for the Legion to ignore how broken I felt. I couldn’t love you. You had Levi and Levi had you. Mikasa had Jean… even though she kept denying it. Jean had her. I had no one. Erwin had no one either and it just happened somewhere along the way. We worked together a lot and then, the truth was out… and next thing I knew, we were in the same bed. And then, eventually, you weren’t in my mind as much as you used to be.''_

_To that last statement, Eren smiles… because, he’s glad. He’s really glad this story doesn’t lead to him. He wouldn’t have known what to do. He wouldn’t have known how to deal with Armin’s feelings… and, of course, he wouldn’t have been able to return them._

_''I… I really, really like you, Eren… and, Erwin, he healed me… He fixed me. If he doesn’t come back, what’ll happen to me and these feelings…?''_

_And Eren knows… Armin likes him. He really does and he doesn’t want to take Levi’s place, but they don’t even need to think about that. Armin doesn’t even need to worry about that. He’ll never take Levi’s spot. He’ll never compete with Levi. They don’t need to compete._

_Levi won this fight... and Armin Arlet loves Erwin Smith. He loves him more than Eren Jaeger._

_''I’m glad… You found someone better suited for you.'' Says the brunette with a smile… holding his hand tighter, because he really is. He didn’t realize they were in a similar situation until now… and it hurts because Erwin and Levi might not come back. ''…at least we’ve got each other to go through this.''_

_…but really, this smile hurts a lot._

_He doesn’t want to go through this._

_-_

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

_In the following week, there isn’t a time where Eren isn’t with Armin… even though he is incredibly aware of himself around the blonde now. Before he knows it, another week’s gone by. That’s another seven days. And another more seven days. There is talk about the world outside going on around the castle, even around town. They say the outside world is safe… and, of course, Armin and Eren start to speak of it too. They speak of going to the sea. They speak of exploring the world… to see it all._

_They never really say it out loud, but they probably both think about searching for Levi and Erwin._

_And, eventually, there is a rumor about how Eren is the only Titan left and isn’t needed anymore. They talk of him. They talk of getting rid of him before he turns against them. They talk of Levi. They talk of how they don’t need him to do it anyway… anyone can do it. So Eren starts to seriously make plans to leave the walls… until one day, the rumor is: A team came back and found something. Something can be a lot of things, but for Eren it’s only one thing: A possible clue about Levi. It has to be about that._

_As if Levi knew… As if he knew he had to come back now, before Eren left ahead._

_Eren can barely hear anything she says past the announcement. He barely registers her warning… Levi is in very bad shape, prepare yourself. You won’t be able to touch him. We’ll let you in his room for a little while, but you won’t be able to see him much until he recovers… if he recovers. Eren knew. He knew Levi wouldn’t be the same… and it didn’t matter. He flew down the stairs anyway without really wondering why they would keep him in the basement all alone. He swallowed every explanation because he just wanted to close the distance between him and Levi… but, when he finally reached that door… when he finally entered that room and saw the body on the bed, he stopped._

_''W-Why… Why does he look like this?''_

_He can’t even tell its Levi, that’s how bad it is… He doesn’t look alive. No, he doesn’t even look human anymore. His skin is covered in… something, or is it burned? It smells horrible… Urgh! Can he really do this? Can he? This isn’t Levi… not his Levi. Yet, it is. It’s him even though it doesn’t look like him._

_''He burned…'' There’s something about the way she says it. It’s like she’s walking on quicksand, but he’s too taken by the person on the bed to pay attention to her… This is Levi. This is Levi! He wants to help him… to hug him and tell him it’ll be alright. He wants to heal him, to cure him. Levi must be in pain. The boy wants to make it all go away… He thinks, he thinks he can live with a different Levi with scars. He just needs to remind himself that Levi won’t look like this in a few months… or a year. He’ll look better. Probably…._

_''Levi…'' The boy starts carefully… fidgeting and he doesn’t even know why he’s a mess. He’s worried. He shouldn’t be. He should be happy… Why is he worried!? He wants to be happy! Why is this so hard? He wanted him to come back to him so bad… and he’s back, but he can’t even touch him. He can’t even take his hand in his. He knows why Hanji said not to touch him now… She probably said it because it’ll hurt too much. Way too much._

_''He’s not conscious… We had to put him to sleep, the pain was too much.''_

_And then, finally, at these words, like she confirms everything the boy thought and suddenly makes this situation real; he falls to my knees and he screams… He screams while the tears roll on his cheek._

_He screams for Levi._

_He screams until he sees it… until it makes sense… until he knows what he needs to do. To Eren, it makes sense… It all makes sense. He isn’t needed anymore. If he isn’t needed, the higher ups will want him dead. He can’t die, that much is obvious. He doesn’t want to die. He needs to see the world and he needs to watch over Levi. No, he can’t die yet. So, he makes the innocent and honest request:_

_''Can’t you use my regeneration ability to help him?''_

_He stands suddenly, driven by his brand new energy… his fuel, his anger. He turns to her in time to see her smile when she says, with confidence: ''We could try it out!''_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we all know what's waiting for Eren at the end of this road already, uh? I sure as fuck know!... and Levi knows it too.


	24. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is... The Truth.

"Mike!  Disconnect him!"

Stop it! _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._ Make it stop! It hurts... I scream. I think I'm screaming... My mouth is open. My lips are dry and cracked... like my skin. It's so dry; I really feel like it's cracking! Everywhere.  All over me. Like my skin is being peeled off... as it cracks... as it falls apart... and it hurts. _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

"IT HURTS!"

"Mike..."

"He is disconnected already... The system booted him the moment he started to freak out..."

I try to protect myself with my hands. My chest. My shoulders. My face. No. No. No. It doesn't work. It hurts... _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts_. It's hot. It burns. I keep my eyes close, but it's like the colors are printed on my eyes. Red. Orange.

"Eren..."

The color of fire. _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

"Eren..."

The feeling of the flames licking my skin off... _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts_. I want to go back home... to his place. I want a bath. Water. I'm thirsty. I need water... Fuck. I'll die from dehydration! I can't even... cry... Wait. No. I am crying. It's wet on my skin.

And then, suddenly, as if I'm waking up, I hear him calling my name and I open my eyes... to his. He's there. He's not burned or anything. He's the same as usual and I'm not getting burned myself for the sake of experimentation. He kisses my forehead.  He tells me to calm down... and I realise my heart is hammering painfully in my chest.

And I'm having an incredible nausea...

"Levi..." I try to speak. I realise my voice is hoarse. My throat is dry... I really have been screaming and crying, uh? I clear my throat quickly and, just as I feel it coming in a rush, I manage to get Levi to hear me say: "I think I'm going to puke..."

Fuck, I never thought Levi would caress my back softly and help me keep my hair out of my face while I puked everything I ate today in the trash can... Never! Yet, he did.

-

 

''Hey... Are you sure you're ready to go back there?'' he asks, but we both know there's no going back. We both know I'm not a quitter... and we both want the truth as much as each other now. It wasn't the case before I came here. I thought it didn't matter. I thought I knew what I needed to know, but I didn't... I thought... Fuck, I thought I went on that expedition... I thought I died on that expedition.

I didn't... It was _you_.

''Yeah.''

I won't make the same mistake again. I thought it was real. You have every right to be worried for me... I know I screamed. I know I cried. I know I freaked out. I know, like you know, the experiments aren't going to end there either, but I won't lose myself. I won't forget who I really am... I know it's not me. I know. I know it's not real. I know. It'll hurt, but I can get through this. I did it once and I'm not to give up when he didn't. He couldn't.

It could have been me.

It could have been my life... Fuck! It's a part of my life.

In this dark and depressing room... Who's there for him if Levi isn't? Me, just _me_. So... When he's all alone regenerating in pain, I'll be there. When he's falling apart because it's hard, I'll be there. When he's losing himself to despair, I'll be there. When he screams and wants to die... but can't let himself die and leave _him_ , I'll be there.

And... When no one's there to witness all he does for him, **I'll witness it all.**

**_I'll take it all in._ **

I sit back in my chair and I feel Levi's eyes on me even though I close my eyes. I'm just glad he doesn't say anything... I'm just glad he knows this isn't like with him; it isn't easy for me. I don't make the same distinction between Eren and me that he does with Levi. To me, I've always been Eren... The same Eren... The only Eren. I can't let go of him. I will never let go... Even if I ended up seeing his death, I don't think I'd stop thinking it's **_me_**... _kind of_.

And, even if I have _you_ , I can't give up on this other Levi...

''...I love you.'' I whisper quietly. I’m not sure he could hear it, but I hear footsteps coming back to me... to kiss my forehead. I see his face between my eyelashes when I open my eyes slightly. I think I hear a faint ''Me too...'' It's very quiet and maybe it's in my head, but I smile.

And, suddenly, before I can feel him get too far, I grab his wrist in my hand... to stop him.

''Wait.''

Of course, he looks at me. And I look at him with his stupid black clothes. It makes us suspicious, but he insisted... Whatever. It’s not like he wears anything other than dark clothes anyway.

''I just... I need to know...'' I start carefully like I’m scared of the answer. ''It's not Levi, uh?''

He sighs. He looks away... and finally, after what feels like an eternity, I hear it: ''It's not...''

Strangely, I feel like a weight suddenly lifts off my shoulders... I'm just glad. I'm glad it's not him. I'm glad he didn't go through this... and yet, I'm sad. I'm sad for Eren, because he's doing this for someone who's not even there. He’s doing it all for nothing.

So, when I get back in the Replayer with Eren facing the wall of stone between him and the burned person in the next room... when he thinks of the single wall of stone between Levi and him, I think of the walls between him and his Levi.

...Big, enormous and incredibly high walls.

After all, at that moment, Levi was probably dying somewhere outside the walls... if he wasn't already dead.

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''Hey Levi... You know... It’s not too bad down here... I guess.'' Pause. No response. Nothing. Of course, there’s no reaction. There’s no one around. There’s a damn wall between him and the person he’s talking to... and he probably wouldn’t be able to talk if he was in the same room anyway. He wouldn’t have been able to talk about anything other than what was right there: Levi and the fire... and the scars it left. The wall turns into a shield to hide him from his fear, and it lets him talk freely. He likes to think it’s good for Levi to hear him talk about different things. At first, he had lots of things to say... He would just talk about all that happened in the city since he left on his mission._

_Now, he doesn’t have much to say._

_''I kind of miss Armin... and everyone... I guess.''_

_''Just a little...''_

_Silence... No, it’s strained by his breathing getting uneven. No. He won't cry. He leans forward until his forehead touches the wall. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. His skin is slowly regenerating. He is slowly getting better... and Levi isn’t. No. He shouldn’t think about that either, but he screwed that up already. It’s right there. In his mind. It won’t leave._

_''It’s just lonely, you know... at least I’m feeling better now. I can lie down in the bed and it doesn’t feel like hell. I wish I could heal you. I would, you know. I would.''_

_Pause. Silence. No response. It’s just him trying to calm down... to not cry... to not punch the wall with his fist. He’s clenching his fist against the wall next to his head, but he’s not going to get angry over how powerless he feels. He is going to think of something positive... so, he says the one thing that is positive:_

_''Hanji says it’s good... I mean, my regeneration is already going very well and all. She says it means there’s a chance for you.''_

_That’s the only good thing happening down here._

_''She says, she’ll do more experimentations for different injuries... and sickness. She says we should test it... test the limits. We could use it to help many people. Not only you. Everyone.''_

_...but a part of him only cares about Levi right now, so he doesn’t care about any other experiment. He just wants them to use their samples, to use them, to try stuff... as fast as possible. Fuck the rest of the experiments._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_It's nothing new. Each day, they come and he does everything they ask... He lets them chain him to the wall and he lets them destroy him. He clenches his teeth. He closes his eyes and he counts. He counts. He focuses on the numbers. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7... Cut... 8-9-10-11... Cut... 12-13-14-15... Cut. Cut. Cut. 99-100-101... Cut. He thinks of Levi. He thinks of good stuff... fun stuff, agreeable stuff... Until he can't even think about anything other than the blade cutting his flesh._

_Yesterday, it was to test a clean cut versus an unclean cut and he thought it was stupid because he went through that already didn't he? Today, it's about his eyes... His beautiful eyes Levi liked so much. The world is filled with black and he crawls on the floor until he reaches the wall. He knows the room enough to manage his way through it, but it's really weird to be blind... more like, to have his eyeballs literally destroyed. It doesn't hurt anymore... which means the regeneration started to work its magic on him. He just hopes he keeps his usual turquoise green color. His skins became a bit lighter after the fire, but that might be from the lack of sunlight on it too._

_He bumps into the wall when he turns to sit against it. He thought it was a little bit further away. And he really needs to sit. He's really tired. It makes him feel cold and weak. He wraps himself in his covers. Even if he can regenerate, it's not like it doesn't put a strain on his body._

_''Hey Levi...'' he starts slowly. He might be getting a cold now. His voice is hoarse and it's hard to speak. It wouldn't be that surprising actually. His body couldn't get to fight this while continuously regenerating his limbs all the time. Maybe. Perhaps. ''I'm alright... really.''_

_Silence. He likes to imagine that Levi probably talks when he stops talking... and he keeps pausing to give him the occasion to talk back to him... or ask him questions. He'd probably ask what happened today or something. He'd ask about what they did to him and he'd answer:_

_''It wasn't too bad today...I mean, they tried different things on my eyes and then settled with plucking them, but I'm alright... It'll be alright. I can't see a thing and all, but it doesn't hurt anymore, so it's fine.''_

_Pause. He wraps the blanket around him even more and he'd crawl completely under it to hide his face too if he could. He feels like shit. He probably looks scary and he's kind of glad Levi can't see him like that._

_''Hanji said they're working on your case though... I asked her. She said they're running tests to see how it mixes with how humans normally regenerate cells and stuff like that. I don't know. I'm not sure. It's complicated.''_

_And he never really understands when she talks through all of this to him... He asks because he wants to know how it's looking for Levi and him, but... All he gets are complicated answers that don't mean anything to him. It's annoying. It's frustrating. Armin would understand... speaking of which..._

_''I asked them if they could get Armin to come see me... They said they'd ask him.''_

_And he smiles, because he wants to see his friend... It would be good to talk to someone who understands and responds for once. It'd be good to see a familiar face with a smile on his face... someone other than Hanji._

_''I can't wait to see him,'' says the boy sleepily. He really needs to get back to his bed against the opposite wall before he falls asleep against the wall, but he ends up falling asleep in this position anyway... Hoping to see Armin in the following day._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_...But he doesn't see Armin in any of the following days._

_When he asked, they said they gave him his message and couldn't do anything else. They couldn't drag Armin in here either... but it isn't like Armin to make his friend wait. Not at all. He is reliable and he is always there for his friends... So, of course, Eren gets ready to talk to Levi about Armin when he manages to leave the toilet for more than five damn minutes and stops puking in the bucket he's been holding since they injected him with something... some disease they hadn't tried yet in the previous weeks. They had tried plenty of those lately, but this is the first time he finds himself puking and shitting until he feels numb. He can't even drink without puking it all out in the following minute... and he gave that up for now._

_''Hey Levi...''_

_''I'm alright... Really. I’ve just I never felt like I needed a bath this badly before... You'd find me disgusting,'' he says and he laughs dryly. Levi would probably find his own self very disgusting right now too. Do they ever let him wake up at all? He heard footsteps going next door once in a while, but nothing else. They probably never even let him wake up... and it's been so long since Eren last saw him, he doesn't even know if Levi healed even just a little bit since then... probably. It's been so long. He feels like it's been so long._

_At least he, himself, is slightly better since like... ten minutes now. Ten minutes without shitting himself and vomiting bile. He sighs and leans back against the cold wall._

_He gave up on dressing himself... It felt useless since all he did was remove it in an hurry. God. He's getting tired of feeling awful all the time... He wants a damn break. He needs a damn break... No! He can't have a break. Not until Levi's better!_

_And yet... when he hears footsteps in the stairs... when he hears the key in the door... He freaks out because he doesn't want anymore experiments yet. No. No. He musts. Fuck. He hates himself for letting Levi down... even for just a little... if he had the chance._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''I think we tested the limits of your regeneration enough.''_

_And Fuck! He probably didn't hear this correctly... probably not. Does this mean he's going to get a little break? Does this mean this can do something for Levi now? Can he see him? He wants to see him. He won't touch him if he can't... He'll just look at him, to confirm he's real and he's not fucking crazy... yet._

_''Isn't that great, Eren? No more painful stuff!''_

_She smiles, but he's starting to feel it all creep under his skin... There's something off here; she's being too nice suddenly. She had him go outside. She had him get a bath... and it felt heavenly. She even asked if he wanted an haircut, but he refused. He liked his hair like that. It was longer and it was almost up to his chin. He liked it._

_''That's nice..., but what about Levi's condition?''_

_''Well, Levi is slowly getting better... but, it's really slow. We can't let Levi get the regeneration medicine from you yet... because Humans aren't accommodating to it correctly. In you, it's like... it's part of you and it doesn't cause any problems, but it doesn't do that with others human beings... That's why we'd like to try something different.''_

_Oh... That's it. It's here... He knew it. It was too good to be true, uh? Why can't it just end already!? So, he's careful when he asks: ''What do you... want to try?''_

_It takes him all he's got to say each word... Deep inside, he doesn't want to take part in it. He doesn't want to be part of it... and it's a confirmation when she answers the damn question. He doesn't want it. He fucking doesn't want any of it. No. He can't do this. He can't. No way. This is impossible... No. No. No!_

_''I... I can't...'' he says._

_''I'll find someone who looks like him...''_

_''...No... I... That won't do.'' Why is he getting embarrassed suddenly! She should be... Not him!_

_''It's for Levi, Eren... Levi needs help to get better and this is the best way for us to observe how your genes can mix with a human.''_

_He knows... He knows it's for Levi! He knows, but he... He can't possibly do that! Fuck! He never did it... He isn't into that... He's... It's just  Levi._

_''I really don't think I...''_

_More like he really doesn't want to... what about Levi? He can't do this._

_''I know how you feel Eren, but... Think about it, it's for Levi.''_

_It is... It's for Levi. It's for Levi. It's for Levi. For Levi! All for Levi! and yet, he finds himself speechless and unable to find a comeback to this. He knows he'll do whatever it takes for Levi. In the end, he'll probably even do this... even if it breaks him._

_''You can give it a try.'' she suggests and he nods weakly... even though he knows he'll never be able to get it done. He needs to. For Levi. He has to, but he's never going to be able to get it up for it... never._

_And, of course, when he finds himself naked with a small black haired girl Hanji picked for him... He can't make it work. Hanji tried a girl similar to Levi like she had promised... a little bit similar. The difference was there. She was lighter. She wasn't muscular. She had a freaking vagina and she had boobs. It was a huge difference! He didn't know what to do with girls... and he didn't want to know. He wanted Levi. He wasn't a saint, he had wanted Levi still... he was just never given the time to really act on it all by himself. Truth be told, he actually got hard... and maybe it was because it had been so long. One way or another, he got hard... it just never lasted._

_So, it led to awkward discussions with Hanji about his masturbation habits which left him red like a damned tomato. No, he hadn't jerked off in a while. Yes, he usually just thought of Levi. No, he wasn't into girls... Yes, he could get hard... it's just, he could just NOT get it done._

_The second and the third times... He just couldn't fucking come and got soft before he ever got close to coming._ _He wanted to get it done as fast as possible and be done with this shit... really bad, but his body wouldn't fucking let him!_

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''Hey Levi... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry...'' he sobs like a freaking mess... once again while he speaks to Levi. God, he feels lame. He feels gross. He feels like he can still feel the girl around him and he scrubbed himself really hard earlier. He tried to get rid of it... of her, but it didn't work. He doesn't even know her name. He doesn't want to know her name. He just wants to fucking get over this and get away with Levi... and then... and then..._

_What if Levi doesn't want him anymore?_

_What if Levi is disgusted?_

_It chills him to the bone and he curls into a foetus position in the bed... because, it might happen. Even if it doesn't, he isn't even sure he'll be able to get over this and look at Levi the same way anymore... and, maybe, just maybe, it's fine... Because, when he thinks of it, if Levi is well... Then nothing else matters._

_''Hey Levi... I really, really, love you, O.K.?''_

_And that's why it's painful._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''I'm just going to... well...'' He stops. For some reason, he finds the words caught in his throat when he talks about sex. It makes him a mess of embarrassment. He feels like a virgin suddenly... and maybe, he is. He’s never done it with a girl... not that he really wants to, but he'll get it done. Today, he will. It doesn't matter if he can't look himself in the mirror after... because if he gets to see Levi awake and back to his usual life, it'll be worth it. ''I'll just jerk off... and I'll blindfold myself... and she'll just...''_

_He doesn't even know why he refuses to say 'You' when she's right there... He doesn't want to acknowledge her. Never will. Even if he gets her pregnant, he'll never accept it. He'll think about Levi the whole time... and he doesn't care about whatever Hanji does with her after. He's too tired of this bullshit to care. He just wants Levi to get better... That's the only thing he wanted since it started! Nothing else._

_And finally, that's really all he really cares about._

_''She'll just push my hand and... and ride me...'' Like Levi did... sometimes._

_He sees the girl nod... and he vaguely wonders if she's getting paid for this. It's sad. It makes her a prostitute... or something, and he could wonder what it makes him..., but he doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to feel like a victim anymore than he already does. This isn't a rape... can guys even get raped? Well... Is this rape? He doesn't... he never actually thought about, but maybe it is... maybe that's exactly what it is._

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_''L-Levi...'' he moans at last... and he finds himself caressing the thigh around his hips softly... until he realizes it lacks the muscle of Levi's muscular legs. He did it... He fucking did it. He lets his hand drop to the side. No. He doesn't want to caress this thigh. The thigh he wants to caress... he'll probably never touch it again. He doesn't deserve it. He's filthy... and Levi's clean... and Levi can't be stained by him._

_The girl gets off him slowly... and he's glad. He's glad she's off. He's glad she doesn't speak. He's glad she leaves. He's glad he can curl into a ball in his bed... and cry, because he suddenly realizes she left with a part of him... a part he'll never get back... a part he never thought he had until it was gone... He feels like a broken person suddenly._

_He feels like an empty shell... and he tells himself it's fine. It's fine. It's fine because it's for Levi. It's fine because Levi will get better... right?_

-

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_No one comes to Eren after that... No one. No one comes to Levi either. Eren knows because he doesn't sleep. He can't sleep. He feels dead. He feels like he's dying. Slowly. At least, it's not painful. He doesn't even feel anything anymore... just filth. On him. On the bed. All over him. He doesn't sleep in the bed anymore... He doesn't speak to Levi anymore. He can't talk to Levi._

_He starts to think that he's going to die here... and it doesn't hurt as much as he thinks it would. He'll die alone in this filthy dark room... when he belongs. He accepts it and he's glad no one comes down here to bother him while he dies... until he hears footsteps again._

_One step at a time._

_Then he hears a knock... and another followed by a voice, a voice he thought he'd never hear again. The boy didn't know he was holding his breath until the voice reaches him... calling his name._

_''Eren?''_

_Silence. Why is he here after all this time? How many days has it been? Or months? Fuck. He can't let hope creep under his skin... not now. He was ready to give up, yet he finds hope in him... stronger than ever, and he runs to the door with strength he didn't even dream he still had left in him._

_''Armin! Is it you, Armin?''_

_''Eren! Hold on... I'll... I'll open the door!''_

_And he backs up a little to let his friend open the door. It takes a few attempts... and Eren is assuming Armin doesn't even have the key. He's forcing the lock... and the brunet doesn't understand. Why? Why is he here? Why is he whispering? Why is he looking over his shoulders? Why is he forcing the lock? Why does he look so... different? His blue eyes open wide when he sees the brunet and he says: ''Are you... Are you alright?''_

_To which the boy can't even answer... He looks down. No. No. No. He's not alright. He hasn't been alright for a long time now. He hasn't been even slightly alright ever since the girl and probably never will be..., but Armin doesn't question him. He drags him toward the stairs and he starts speaking and there's only one thing that doesn't sit well with Eren... not at all:_

_''You weren't even at Levi's funeral, so I became suspicious...''_

_He stops right there... and Armin looks at him, pressing him to move before someone comes, but Eren stays there... Right there, at the bottom of the stairs._

_''Levi is... Levi is d-dead?''_

_No. It can't be. Levi's right there... He's right there in this room. He doesn't wait for an answer, he moves toward the door... the other door. The door he crossed once. Of course, it's locked. Of course, he can't see inside because there's something blocking the window..._

_Of course, Armin says: ''Yes... They found most of the bodies.''_

_''No... It's impossible.'' That's it. Slowly, he feels like everything’s slipping away from him... whatever was left to keep him sane... whatever was left to keep him going through all of this...No. He can't accept this. Armin is wrong. Armin is lying... or someone fucked up. Levi's here. He's right there! ''Open this door!''_

_He finds himself yelling... of course. He finds his heart hammering in his chest. Loud. Violent. Desperate. He finds himself trembling... hard. And, slowly, for what seems like an eternity, Armin forces the lock and opens the door... and the room is empty. The room is empty. The bed is empty. He runs. He throws the cover down. He throws the mattress to the floor... as if Levi could be hiding underneath it._

_''Eren... Levi died on his expedition. They found his body on the shore of the ocean, he isn't here.''_

_And he breaks._

_Because Levi isn't there. Whoever was there, it wasn't even him... Whatever he did. No. All he did, it was for nothing. He was talking to an empty room the whole time... and now, his chest hurts so bad... so bad, he wants to open it and get rid of the pain. Levi is dead. Levi is dead... and it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts._

_Worst than anything else..._ **It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.**

_He doesn't know how long he stays like that... On his knees in the middle of that room. He just knows Armin's right there... behind him. He just knows Armin wants him to stand up and leave, but he can't. He can't leave this place. He can't go back. He'll never be able to go back. He's dead... It would be better if he was dead. He should have gone on that expedition, it should have been him. Levi wouldn't have been fooled like him. Never. Levi would have been able to survive... He can't. It's useless. He went too far. He can't come back... and Armin probably knows his friend is broken._

_They both know it._

_So, when Eren says: ''Leave.''_

_Armin probably knows Eren is gone. Too far gone. But he tries anyway._

_''Eren...''_

_''YOU NEED TO LEAVE!'' he screams... Leave him alone to die. Leave him alone to rot. Leave him alone to... to regret Levi. Leave him alone to hope... hope to meet him again someday... somewhere. ''I'm... I'm so... Just leave me alone!''_

_''Eren...'' tries Armin again while taking his hand... and Eren tries to get away, because he's filthy. He doesn't get to be touched... not by Armin... not by anyone, but Armin holds it. When Eren struggles, he kneels down in front of him and hugs him tightly...and Eren feels it. He feels the affection in the gesture. It's warm. It's the only warm thing he’s felt in days... maybe months. He finds himself melting a little... melting enough to let go of the tears and cry._

_''Levi is... Levi is probably disgusted by me now... I'm disgusted!... but I miss him. I miss him so bad! I wanna see him. I wanna see Levi!''_

_And it goes on._

_He wants to see Levi._

_He misses Levi._

_He wants to see Levi... see him...even after all this, he can't let him go! He doesn't want to let him! Levi can't just go on without him! He was supposed to come back... He was supposed to see the ocean with him... not alone and dying!_

_For a while, they stay like this... and, slowly, Armin tells him the one story that would ease his heart and let him rest. The story he had read in a book in the library while he was depressed over Erwin Smith... The story he found in an old book written in a different language about one of the old continents before the walls. An Indian book. An Indian belief. While the beginning of Armin's story... about his own feelings really didn't ease Eren's heart, it slowly did..._

_Armin Arlet tells Eren Jaeger about the belief that maybe, just maybe, he'd find Levi again someday... Someday. Far away._

_And, just like that, Eren Jaeger fades away._

_-_

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_When he opens his eyes again... The world is painted black and he feels incredibly sore. It feels like he hasn't moved in days. His legs feel like two noodles under him. He pushes himself up using the closest wall and he threads around carefully... keeping his hand on the wall. He thinks he's underground. It smells like humidity. It smells like soil. He doesn't recognize the place, but it is familiar... It's like he knows this place. He knows this other door leads to a similar room. He knows the staircase in front of it leads outside... and he takes it. Surely, there's someone outside. Surely someone will help him. Surely someone knows Eren Jaeger... Humanity's Hope. If not, then he'll just ask for the Corporal and they'll definitely know him. Everyone knows him._

_The boy finds the ascension to be long... incredibly long. His whole body winces at the effort, but he keeps going. One more step. One more... until he sees light at the end. Faint light. The exit is small... He crawls out between spider webs, soil and vegetation. Lots of it. He meets the night sky with stars and there's nothing off about it... yet._

_It's not until he searches for the wall... that he realizes..._

_There isn't any wall around. Nothing. Just trees and a sky high above... even if he looks far away, he doesn't see the dark silhouette rising in the sky. So, he walks... He walks until his body gives up on him and he falls to the ground without any clue about what happened to him._

_-_

**_Authenticating… Replayer: Eren, Password: Brat_ **

**_Success!_ **

**_Opening Session no. 11-16_ **

**_Resuming Memory_ **

****

_The room is white... the light is soft, but it seems very bright with all the bright colors. There is some weird machine next to him and it reminds him of the things he saw on Annie's crystal when they confirmed she was alive... except he's not in crystal form. He's just Eren Jaeger on a bed. A woman dressed in white just came and told him to relax when he asked for Levi... or for where he was. She said someone would come for him soon... and he expected a familiar face, but he gets none. The man's face is foreign to him. This whole room is foreign to him and the only reason he didn't explore the building any further was because he was bound to the bed with some kind of strap. On his first wake, he freaked out. There was a weird machine. There were weird people. A woman was touching him... she was putting a needle in his arm and he freaked out. He couldn't explain why and, for some reason, he felt uneasy just thinking about it... He just didn't want her to touch him and to hurt him. Anything, but that._

_He doesn't really remember how they calmed him down... He just knows more people came and they pushed him on the bed to keep him in position, and there was a pinch... and there was nothing. Just black._

_Now, the weird thing is in his arm... covered with tape... and his other arm is fixed to the edge of the bed so he can't reach his other arm and remove it. At least, it doesn't hurt... and the woman told him it was to make sure he was alright._

_Even though he knew he was. He felt perfect. A little bit weak, but he was perfectly fine._

_Now, the tall man brings the closest chair closer to the bed and takes a pad out of his pocket. For a moment, he looks at Eren... at his hand stuck to the bed... at his thin body covered by a weird turquoise shirt. Then, he talks and his voice is softer and gentler than Eren thought it would be... and, now that he thinks about it, the man reminds him of Hannes... just a little. He shows him a badge... he says he's here to help, but the badge is unfamiliar._

_''Hey, kid. The nurse told me your name is Eren is that correct?''_

_''Y-Yeah.. Eren Jaeger.'' Whoa! His voice is low... and it is actually weird to speak for once and not yell or... just keep silent. He clears his throat once... twice. Nurse... is that the woman in white? Probably. She did nurse him a little, but... more importantly: ''Where's Levi? and Mikasa? and Armin?''_

_Silence. The man writes on his notepad and then lift his eyes to Eren... to ask: ''Who are they? Your friends? Were they with you?''_

_''Yes... where are they?''_

_''I don't know. What are their second names? I'll look it up for you, kid.''_

_''Ackerman... Levi and Mikasa Ackerman. Arlet... Armin Arlet.''_

_The man nods and writes it down, but he doesn't leave. He just stays there... like he's waiting for something and Eren doesn't know what it is, so he keeps quiet until the question comes._

_''Mind telling me what you were doing out there, kid?''_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter was hard on me... Let's be honest. I managed to write it down super quickly for some reason, but then... then it never felt good when I worked on it again to make it all 'fit' together. It wasn't hard enough. It wasn't sentimental enough. I am not a very 'emotional' person myself either. At the end though, listening to some depressing instrumental music and then to Lorde's Everybody wants to Rule the World. I don't know. The emotion were there for me I guess... and the lyrics were speaking to me on a weird 'metaphorical' way... lol!
> 
>  
> 
> _There's a room where the light won't find you_   
> _Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down_   
> _When they do, I'll be right behind you_   
> _So glad we've almost made it_   
> _So sad we had to fade it_
> 
> Just... A dark room. Square room. No windows. Stone. No sound. Just a door... and then, I see Eren holding Eren's hand while every damn wall falls in front of the truth and Present-Eren is there with him. They almost made it. They almost died. They almost saved the lie... kinda... and they're torn between glad and sad for different reasons. I don't know. Her voice too... her fucking voice in that song is perfect. Oh well! Don't mind my rambling! xD


	25. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it... You can see that I updated the 'number' of chapters this story will have. I estimated it to 30 chapters and should stick to it, unless I need to change something major. So, yes, we'll get about 5 more chapters. One of them, the last one, will be Armin's chapter. Therefore, this chapter is officially the last 'cute' chapter we'll get between the two of them. We're entering the 'Train' taking us to the end next chapter ;) There is also no more 'Replayer' part in this fic. Last chapter was the last time either character dive in the Replayer. I sure hope you had fun reading them.

Urgh! I don't wanna see Erwin... just go home with Mike. Leave me with Levi. I feel weird. I really feel weird. I feel sick. I feel sick to my stomach like I just got off a rollercoaster too intense for me... and maybe that's exactly what it is. I feel like my stomach is upside-down. I feel like my heart is in my throat... in my mouth... by my lips... ready to spill. Spill what? I don't know. I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like my body is too big for me... like I don't know what to do with my limbs. I don't even know what do to with my mouth. I want to speak to Levi, but I don't even know what I want to tell him... The way he clenches his fist and his jaw firmly really doesn't help. He doesn't really look like he's doing fine either. I feel like I need to reach out to him when he walks into the apartment... I feel like I need to touch him and tell him I love him suddenly, yet I can't make myself reach out to him. This isn't my Levi. I need to make sure this Levi is mine... for sure.

Just leave.

They all sit at the table and they all talk... they talk, but I don't hear a thing. Let me be alone with Levi, I think that's what I want, but then I don't even know what I'd do if we were alone. I get nervous. Can I touch him? Fuck. I'm Eren. I am him. I just... I always thought I was him. I always knew, but I didn't know this is what Eren was. I didn't know Eren was broken like this. I didn't know Eren went through all this and I didn't know about the filthy girl... Ah. No. Don't think about that, Eren. It makes me feel weird... like I'm disgusting... like I am not myself... like suddenly need to erase all traces someone else on me using Levi. To drown her with him. I can't. Not now. Can I even touch Levi, now? I mean... I'm still 'that' Eren.

Just leave.

Why is Levi sitting so far away from me anyway? Does he not want to be with me? He thinks it's gross to, uh? He thinks I'm full of fucked up diseases Hanji injected in me, uh? He thinks I'm just some kind of Lab Rat, uh? He thinks I betrayed him, uh? He looks upset. He's not even looking at me, but his stance is rigid. I swear, Mike is looking over at me more than he is... What the fuck, Levi? Don't be like that... I... It's not my fault. It's not like that. I never wanted this.

Just leave.

Am I overthinking this? Stop talking to them, Levi. I feel worse each passing second. I feel like my blood is boiling in my veins. Irritated. Annoyed. I should just... go home or something. I'll just go home. It's O.K. I'll ask Jean for weed and it'll calm me down. You won't even know. No more restlessness. No more urge to break everything. No more need to claim you like it's my last chance... It's not. I know it's not. Fuck. I know this world is real and you're not going anywhere... neither am I. I just need it. I need it for all the wrong reasons, probably, but I still do. I don't care if I'm not as strong and as tall as Erwin Smith, right now. I'll get it done.

Just leave.

I find myself staring at you... and, while I tell myself I do it absently, I know I'm not. I stare at your lips when you talk. At the little pin under your lips. I stare at your eyes when they shift between Erwin and Mike... and sometimes, they go over me. I probably don't look very happy right now. I probably look like shit... an angry shit, or something. Get the message and make them leave. I don't care what you do. I can't even understand a word that is said. I feel like my brain is going on repeat over all I saw in the Replayer. The view from the walls. Armin's breakdown in the hallway. The ceiling of my bedroom with my best friend mourning over Erwin... like I should have. The stone walls between the burned person and me. It wasn't Levi. It was never Levi. Yet, I believed it was him. Hanji. The experiments. More experiments. The wall again. More and more experiments which don't even make sense now that I think about it. The girl and the way the image of Levi shatters when I realize it's her. Just her and not him. Then, at last, I return to the damn empty room next to me... and the loop starts again. No. Stop. Think about something else. Look at Levi... and think of something else, but it doesn't work. I want to kick everyone out. I want to scream. Oh god. I want to scream and to break something... I feel like the room is too small. I feel like the air is stuffy. Now, I feel like my body is too small for me. I don't want it anymore.

Just leave, already!

...but they aren't. I don't know if Levi's trying to get them to leave. They moved to the entrance and it seems to last forever. Does it really take that long to leave? I'm starting to see Levi getting tired as he leans against the wall, but he keeps his usual neutral expression. I just know from the way he crosses his arms over his chest and looks bored... more bored, I guess.

Fuck it.

''I'm... I'm going to take a shower,'' I say and it's probably the brightest idea I've had since I entered the apartment. Water is going to calm me down. Soap is going to wash me clean of all the filth I feel... but isn't really there, right?

So, I find myself naked in the bathroom... looking at myself as if I'm wondering if I'm any different. I'm not. I'm the same as I was just before I sat in that machine. I just feel different. Slightly different.... inside.

I really don't know how long I stay in the shower... just there. I'm done washing myself. I've been done for a while now. I'm just there with my head against the wall and the water dripping down on me. Washing over me. I stay like that until the water becomes too cold for me to handle. No more hot water. So, I get out still not feeling better. I find the apartment empty, except for Mikasa sleeping soundly in her room. I find myself wondering if Levi will come back... and I find myself freaking out as if he's not going to come back... ever. Unable to breathe. Unable to even get dressed. Fuck. I sit by the edge of the bed to help myself put my damn boxers on, but I can't seem to get my 2nd foot in the right part. I don't get it. My brain is fuzzy. My hands are trembling. Stop it. Don't freak out... Levi isn't far. He probably just went outside with them for a second and he'll come back. There's nothing to worry about.

Oh, maybe he just went out for a cigarette.

And that's how I end up on Levi's balcony to look for him with my boxers around my left ankle... and with Levi opening the front door behind me. As expected, he's been smoking. He has his pack of cigarettes and lighter in his hand... and I cross the distance between us before he even gets the chance to remove his boots and put his stuff on the counter. It's weird how sometimes you barely notice anything, but other times... you notice everything. I notice everything. Right now, I think I notice everything at that exact moment. I notice how the boots he never tied fly off his feet and how he gets entangled in them and almost falls to his ass while I knock him against the wall. I notice how the pack of cigarettes hits the ground and cigarettes crash directly to the ground. I notice how he looks surprised. I notice how the lighter makes a thud sound when it hits the floor. I notice how the entrance is a mess... yet, I barely notice how his head knocks against the wall when he loses balance. I just push his hips against mine and we crash against the wall, that's the only reason why he doesn't fall to the ground. I barely notice the way he hisses in pain... I just know his teeth are in the way when I kiss him.... and I'm desperate to touch him and to make sure he's real... like he'll vanish... like I'll vanish because I don't belong in this world.

He tells me to calm down... or something like that, but I don't get it. I don't register. I just lift him off the ground even more. I just grind my hips against his roughly and I hear the sound he makes more than the way he tells me to drop him to the ground... or that I need to cool down. I just took a shower with no hot water... I'm cool enough. I don't need to think when it's like this. I just need to get him out of his clothes. I just need to drop him on the bed to pull off his pants completely before crashing on the bed with him... and I can just bury my face in his neck to smell him. Fuck. Why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so desperate? Stop it!

This isn't going to help me... I shouldn't even touch him. I shouldn't even be rough with him. I have no right to be rough with him... not now. I'm just... I'm just not feeling like myself. I'm just...

''Eren...'' He calls. It's too gentle. I don't even deserve this. I tried to get my way with him because I wanted to forget the dungeon... and the loneliness, but this isn't going to fix any of it, right? ''You're crying...''

He says it like he doesn't even understand it.

''I'm... '' I'm not? Yeah, that's what I'm about to say, but I see it now. My vision is blurry. My cheeks are wet and it won't stop. I just won't stop. I'm crying on his neck. I'm crying like a baby... and it's ridiculous, because I'm naked with my boxers around one ankle between the legs of my naked lover that I undressed in a rush and I'm crying on top of him. I'm fucking crying. This is wrong on so many levels. I'm so wrong. The horrible feeling is back... Again, like my heart is going up my throat. ''I'm sorry.''

''Hey...'' He calls out quietly and gently... while he caresses my hair in a soothing manner. ''There's nothing to apologize for...''

There's so much I need to apologize for, Levi. Oh my god. So much. This is so wrong. I just... I just feel like... I'm fucked up. I'm messing it all up. It's so fresh in my mind. I feel like you'll go away because you saw it, because you don't want this Eren anymore... I feel lonely even though we're touching. This isn't how I want it. I need to apologize. I can't force myself on you... I can't slam you against the door because I can't control myself. I just can't... I'm... I'm really sorry. I know I dropped you on the bed and parted your legs roughly just because... I could and I shouldn't have done that. Yet, you stay there and you move your hand to my back... to my side. You draw circles all over my skin and you close your eyes... It's almost as if you're sleeping and I find myself uncomfortable.

I shouldn't be here. I'm a sobbing mess... and it's not even because of what I just did, it's because I realize I don't even deserve this and I feel horrible. I'm just... ''I didn't mean to do that.''

Silence. He stops his soothing circles for an instant... like he's actually getting conscious of what I'm apologizing for, but then he says the most simple thing ever: ''I know...''

''I didn't mean to get that girl pregnant, Levi... I really didn't.''

''I know....'' _It's alright._

''I didn't mean to forget.''

''I know.''

''I didn't want to... I didn't want to **remember**...'' I manage to choke at last and I think that's the one thing I really needed to get off my chest. The one thing threatening to spill from my mouth. It wasn't my heart, it was this. I just... I really didn't want to remember any of it. I forgot because it was too much... I still don't think I can deal with this, Levi. I can't. Look what I just did because I couldn't keep it together. I've been freaking out the moment you get out of my sight... I've been on you the moment I see you to make sure you are there... and mine. To drown it all. To forget it all. This isn't right, Levi... It really isn't.

''I know...'' He breathes out while pushing me slightly so he could see me while he continues. ''But...  **I'm glad**. I'm _glad_ you survived. I'm _glad_ I got to meet you again... and I think you really needed to remember.''

''No... No! I didn't need it!'' My answer is stronger than I expected it to be. I find myself pushing myself off him... and off the bed to walk around it restlessly like I can't even manage to put into words how strong it is... how strongly I didn't want it to be this way. ''I wanted to go with you!''

''I know, but...''

''I wanted to see the world with you when you were traveling there!''

''I know...''

''I wanted to fight with you.''

''I know...''

I stop walking and I finally turn to see him... to see him sitting on the bed. He pulled the comforter onto his lap to cover himself, but he stayed right there to look straight at me while I walked back and forth in front of him. I stop. I turn toward him. I lean forward on the bed, pushing myself up with my arms and I shout... louder than everything I've said so far.

''I wanted to die with you on that shore... I wanted it to be me!''

And he keeps so calm, it reminds me of the way he always just stood there whenever I was screaming before... whenever I was angry, out of control and about to turn into a Titan. He was always composed. Always the same. Untouchable. That's exactly it. He's like that. He's like the rock... he doesn't budge. He just stays there. Normally, he'd tell me to stop shouting, but he doesn't. Not now.

''I know, Eren.... I know, but it wasn't.''

_I know_. I fucking know... I just... I wish it wasn't like that. I just wish it was real. It felt real. I was sure of it until I saw it. No more shore. The Replayer shattered that vision and replaced it with a dark room in a dungeon. ''It's unfair...''

I breathe the words more than I say them, but he hears them. He covers my hand with his and he looks at me without ever glancing away. Serious. Strong.

''You survived, Eren. You managed to survive in this shithole. Even though you knew Levi was dead at the end, you still survived... Why did you survive? Why didn't you just die if you wanted to die so badly, uh?''

''I...'' I just... _I didn't want to die_. I just... I hoped. I always hoped. Is that the answer you want, Levi? Because I hoped. Then you'll ask me what I was hoping for and... I don't know. I hoped everything would be fixed, maybe?

For an instant, you keep quiet and you let me think it over... over and over, but you get bored. You sigh. Your head drops to the left... like you're telling me, seriously? I don't know. Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe my mind is too foggy. I'm starting to go back to my initial state... My mind wanders to the empty apartment since Erwin and Mike left. My mind wanders to the hipbones I see... peeking out from under the comforter. And to how close you are now that you are leaning forward to reach my ear because it would just make it all go away for an instant and you wouldn't feel so... out of reach.

Out of my world.

''I'll tell you why... so open you goddamned ear, brat.'' You say and you pull my head to speak by my ear when you continue: '' **You** wanted to see _me_.''

And that's it. Just like that, he's off the bed. It's like he noticed how my eyes were starting to check him out too much or something. He puts one of his huge t-shirts he always wears to sleep on first and... No more ass to check out while he walks about to get boxers. I feel the sentence holds in the air between us... I wanted to see him. It's not his ego speaking. It's real. It's true. I wanted to see him. I hoped I would see him... and I did. I fucking did it. He stands there like he's waiting for me to get it... to finally get it. To turn the tables around. To stop feeling depressed over this... To feel like I won, because I fucking did. Levi was dead. He was long dead and I wasn't going to meet him again... I wasn't supposed to, but I did.

Is that it, Levi? Is that why your lips curl into a little smile at the corners? Because I fucking made it. It doesn't erase what happened, but it gives it a purpose... and I feel better. I feel like I deserve this Levi. I deserve him. I did it all for him, to reach him. I smile back at him. It's a small smile... not quite sure of itself, but it's still a smile and he responds with:

''I wanted to see you too...''

-

 

''There was this lake... it was a big ass lake, bigger than all the ones I had seen and I thought it was the ocean. It wasn't the ocean, of course, but I thought it was.'' He tells me and I like how animated he gets when he speaks. He doesn't say much and he doesn't really express much. He's just laying on his stomach keeping his upper body up with his arms and pillows. He looks the same as usual, but it's all in the eyes... his eyes. I wish I could've seen it, but I also love to hear him talk about it. I can imagine him with his green cloak stopping to look at this huge lake thinking it's the ocean. ''It wasn't too far from the walls... but not too close either. The forest was thick. The trees were kind of big all around it too.''

There's a pause in his story... and I know it's not because I'm distracting him with my fingers drawing circles on his thighs. It can still pass as 'unintentional' or something. I just started and I'm listening. I really am. I was the one to ask for him to tell me about it.

''Big enough to build a house...'' He finally says and I lift my eyes from his round ass and the curve of his back in this position... to his eyes.

''A house?''

''Yeah... a house.''

''You wanted a get a house built there?''

''Yes. Are you listening or are you just trying to get your hand under my clothes?''

''Ooh...'' Oh. Yeah, I mean, it's just a little bit. I just lifted your shirt a little and I barely started to run my hand up your side. I don't know. I just feel glad now. I'm glad I got you. I'm glad I feel less shitty... and, well, better. I feel all giddy and happy because you're here telling me about your travels when you went on that last expedition like I asked you to and you're right next to me all relaxed and just... there. ''I'm listening! Keep going!''

''Fine...'' You sigh and then... I feel stupid, because you say: ''I don't know... It felt like a nice place for us to have a house. By the water. With all the trees around it. With a wharf... and I thought you'd do some fishing, you know. I also thought of a garden. Oh and the bedroom! The bedroom would be facing the water with French doors always open... so it would smell like the forest, and the water because of the wind.''

And I find myself grinning like an idiot at the words 'us' and at everything after that... Every single thing. I bury my face in your neck and I cover it with kisses, even your shoulders, but it's mostly because I feel happy... too happy... too embarrassed. I don't want you to see how stupidily happy I suddenly feel. I could be depressed because we never did get the chance to have any of this, but I'm not. You taught me not to be. So I just kiss you and kiss you, and kiss you. I just get even closer to your side. I just caress your back softly.

I just say the truth.

''It sounds great...''

It really does. I close my eyes and I can imagine it a little bit. I can see myself turning around from my spot on the wharf to see him on the shore... by the house.

''I actually had a little idea of how I actually wanted the house to be...'' He says and I feel the smile in his voice. I feel the smile he probably hides with the pillow.

''Draw it.''

''I can't draw for shit...''

I remember the drawing on the board back when he was talking about how they'd deal with me if I ever went... out of control. It was awful, but a couple lines can't hurt. I want to see it. I want to see it like you see it. So I find myself getting up and rushing to his library and I come back with a small notepad and a pencil, before I drop back next to him on the bed and give it to him.

''Quickly! Just a quick layout of it.''

He sighs and I actually have to force the pencil into his hand before he finally draws anything. Let's be honest. It's not a very 'clear' drawing. His water look likes some kind of fire and I'm a little bit confused at first. Well, until he explains it all.

And I like it.

And I wish I was living there with him.

He even added a room for Mikasa at the end and I don't mention it. I don't need to. He's just adapting it all to his current situation. I just kiss his cheek and put my hand back under his shirt... right on his warm skin and I ask him:

''Why not?''

To which he answers with another, but affirmative... ''Why not.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe... Levi went from someone considering that Levi and he, himself, were two different persons to... One person. He also went from someone who didn't want Eren around and didn't want to admit ANYTHING regarding how he felt toward Eren... to someone who turned the table around on Eren to make him feel like he belonged in this world/time as much as him... and with him. =)
> 
> Yay for the house! You'll hear more about that house, trust me!


	26. Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm a notorious gamer... and Warlords of Draenor is coming out on the 13th. Of course, I took the day off and I am ready to start gaming at midnight until I'm done... or dead. I will try to finish writing the 27th chapter before the launch date... and I really hope I do. This way you'll get an update somewhere after the 13th and... make the wait less long, I guess. I am going in little hiatus for the 'launch of my game' ahaha! Super nerd! xD
> 
> I'll probably still work on my chapter, just a little bit less for like 1-2 weeks, but DON'T WORRY... I GOT THIS! ;)
> 
> I have two projects I'd like to share with you... if you like my work. I'm using this moment to do so. I am thinking of writing a 'work' full of 'stand alone little fic' in the Psycho-Pass universe with SNK characters. I already did a little bit of writing down when I was bored at work with a moment to myself without the kids! So, yeah. There's that. I am ALSO considering rewriting/restarting Mon petit D.C.F. I don't really know if you'd be interested in that. I'm just thinking and I have ideas flowing for that right that. I always liked the idea, but got... kind of... lost about it. It had no direction, but I thought of one! 
> 
> Oh well, ENJOY this chapter!

"Do you think the girl was pregnant?" asks a quiet voice... very quiet. I almost miss it. I almost think I’m dreaming, because I was slowly falling asleep. Our proximity lets me hear the question. For an instant, I don't really know what he's talking about. For an instant, I try to go over what was said previously, but we weren't really talking... There were a few words, of course. There was swearing. There was Eren’s name. There was... hum... well... other kinds of sounds too. There was sex and then silent time spent spooning. And then, there was this question. So, yeah, of course, I’m not sure what it is about.

I sigh. I kiss the nape of his neck because that's where I can reach from my big spoon spot behind him. Is it me or am I always the big spoon lately? Not that I mind. I like it. I like that I get to big spoon Eren even though I’m the smallest and our bodies don’t exactly fit together. I like how he always relaxes against me when I wrap my arms around his middle. I wouldn’t sleep like that all night.., but when I’m too tired to care or just relaxing comfortably against him, I don’t mind.

And, just like that, I get it. I know now. I know what he is talking about. The girl. The one girl Eren had. No, not Mikasa. The girl he fucked... or is it the other way around? Whatever. The girl working for Hanji. Of course, it’s her. I sigh. For an instant, I almost feel like letting go and turning around in bed. Does it really matter, now?

"Who cares...It doesn't seem like there were any repercussions."

I don't really want to think about that either,  please.

"Yeah... but... was she..."

Goddammit! Just get the hint and drop the subject, Jesus! But, of course, Eren Jaeger doesn’t get it. Not at all. He continues. Maybe, he gets it. Maybe he knows I don’t like this subject. Maybe he knows this is the one thing about what happened in his past that is actually... a sensitive subject.

"Yes, Eren, probably. You did put your penis into her vagina and came right in it... and Hanji probably had her see you when she was most likely to get pregnant.  So, yeah, she was probably pregnant with your kid..." I say it all coldly. I say it like it doesn't concern me, but we both know it's not like that. I try to make this subject as 'casual' as possible because it’s not a subject for me. It doesn't feel real... Eren Jeager had a baby at one point? No way. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it.

And maybe, he tries to do the same. It’s just that he doesn’t just throw it somewhere in the back of his mind and forget it like I do... more like try to do. He talks about it. He tries to make it _less important_ than it already is by talking about it with me.

"I guess... It makes us equal... kind of."

"Equal? What do you mean? Because we both had a kid?"

"...yeah," he starts shyly and then tries to excuse himself fast as if he slowly realizes this might not be the best way to say it. That I do not consider this kid part of his life like Mikasa is part of mine... and it’s true. It’s not just because it doesn’t exist anymore. It’s because it never existed for me. It never existed for him either. So, no, in my opinion, it’s not really his kid. He was just... a donor, pretty much.  "I mean... I know it's not like with Mikasa..."

It’s not, but it's fine, really. I don't even get why he gets nervous over this. I hum. I raise one hand to run it through his hair gently.

"Nah... you're right. It was different, of course, but it's the same ultimately." Pause. "Not that I care though..."

Well, I don't care about the baby that's for sure... I care about the part where you had sex with her because they shared something intimate with you. Something too intimate. Something that was mine. That's all. And that’s the part we have in common. And that’s the part you’re talking about here. Yes, Eren, both of us had sex with a woman and got her pregnant... but the pregnancy doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. To me, it’s not yours. It shouldn’t feel like yours to you either... and you really should stop bringing this subject up and reminding me of her legs around your hips. Really.

"...but, maybe I should make sure to erase her from your mind and replace it with me," I start playfully. I say start, because I know... I know he isn't going to let me slide my hand down his stomach and under his boxers without following through. He gasps. He shifts a little under my hand to give me access... and the way he says, voice thick with arousal:

"Yeah, you should do that."

I’m more than happy to comply.

-  


It's been a while since I last bottomed with Eren... or anyone else for that matter. It makes the perfect excuse to explain my laziness the next morning... and why I'm still in bed even though Eren isn't there anymore. When I reach out to him, I’m met with nothing but the covers in a bundle on his spot. I just know the bed is a mess and I really don't feel like getting up yet. Blame it on the soreness I feel all the way down to my toes, I guess. I don't even know what day it is... but that's probably because I’ve lost track of it since I still haven't started to work anywhere yet. It's easy to forget which day it is in that situation, but it all comes back to me when I hear the voices coming from the kitchen... because that voice isn't Eren’s or Mikasa’s.

''What's that?''

Armin Arlet is in my damn apartment at... hum... let me take a look at the clock... What the fuck! It's eleven A.M. I need to get out of bed. This only means one thing and I know which day it is suddenly. We're on Sunday. It's been a about a week since the Replayer and... Today is the day I drop Mikasa off at her mother's place. Today is the day Eren goes out with Armin for breakfast... and, hopefully, it'll be good for him to see his friend.

And talk to Armin about what happened... instead of me.

I hear Eren ask what Armin is talking about as I get myself presentable by putting some clothes on. I slept naked... I don't even remember falling asleep naked. It's not like me at all. I find myself even more sore than I initially thought I was, but I still walk my way through the hallway until I see them in front of the fridge. Mikasa sits at the table eating her cereal and I'm assuming Eren prepared her bowl because... Fuck! I doubt she'll eat all that. She's the first to see me... and she greets me first, too. It makes them turn around to see me, but I still get to hear the rest of their conversation.

''It's something Levi drew...''

''What is it... Is it on fire?''

Oh my god, Arlet. I hate you.

I still get to hear Eren getting flustered as he tries to explain that it is NOT on fire... and even worse when he realizes I'm right there... just there leaning against the wall. I knew it wasn't a good idea for him to put this drawing on the fridge, but he insisted like a little kid. It was bad enough to have Mikasa laughing the next day... and now it's Armin's turn to join the fun. Fuck off.

''Can't you see it's a fucking layout for a house, Arlet?''

And he totally has to answer with: ''...not really, to be honest.''

''Whatever.'' I groan. It's too early for me to deal with his attitude. I get it, we don't really like each other. I respect him to some extent, but it doesn't make me want to be friends with him... That's for sure. As long as he doesn't get anywhere near Eren's dick again, I have nothing against him and I'll let him be there.

Plus, I'm starting to feel bad for him... because if he really liked Erwin in the past, then he is stuck watching him live his life with Mike... same as with Eren. So, yeah, I guess I can give him some credit.

I feel their eyes on me as I walk over to the coffee machine... probably for different reasons though. I feel Armin silently asking what my shitty drawing of a house is about. I'm sure that's the thing going through his head right now. On the other hand, Eren just wraps his hands around me from behind and kisses my cheek softly.

''You really slept for a long time...'' he comments playfully and I definitely hope I am the only one who notices this... or knows what he actually is implying by that like a proud little brat. I sigh and I push him off me. It's not that I don't want your affection, Eren, but... this is not exactly the time.

''Come on, Capt'n Obvious. Armin's waiting for you.''

He smiles... and gives me another kiss. This time, it's on the lips. I don't really get it, because my breath is probably awful, but Eren never really seemed to mind these things that much. Kissing me seems to be more important than the breath. Oh well. One kiss. One small and fast peck on the lips, but I feel his smile on his lips when he does.

And, he's gone.

-

 

''Why... Why are you here?'' is the first thing I ask upon entering Petra's house... and I'm not talking to her or Auruo. I'm talking to the big blonde sitting at the dining table. It's barely past noon on a Sunday, a day both Mike and him have off. So, yes, I ask him why the hell he is here. My next question would have been about why he looks like shit, but I am stopped by Petra coming out of the kitchen with french toast... and looking at me while silently telling me to shut the fuck up.

''Erwin spent the night''

''... You spent the night? Where's Mike?''

The answer I received turned my day around... The eyes he lifted to me and the way he said the words chilled me. It wasn't because Erwin Smith blamed me. He didn't even know. For once in his whole life... his many lives... He didn't know anything. He was an innocent bystander. He was an innocent friend. I froze in place because I knew. I froze in place because I felt it in my gut... It was close enough to fear and I wanted to call Eren. I wanted to find him right away... to hide him. Erwin Smith didn't need to say anything else, but he did. He repeated it because he probably thought I hadn't heard it correctly the first time.

''Mike hasn't come home in two days.''

Two days can be a lot of time... or a short amount of time, but two days is way too long. I realize I took my cell phone out of my pocket... and I realize I'm ready to call Eren, but decide against it for the moment.

''Call the police,'' I say.

''I did.''

''What did they say?''

''They asked me if we argued... or if he might have slept somewhere else, but this isn't like Mike.'' And I do think so too... and I know this isn't like Mike. I know Mike and Erwin do not argue. When they do, they talk about it like mature people and make up instantly. They're that kind of couple where it always seems like everything is perfect... almost too perfect. It's kind of annoying at times, but that's how they are. So, yes, this isn't like Mike... Yes, this is incredibly odd and I can't help myself from thinking about the worst... and about what we saw when Eren was in the Replayer. Eren is _the_ Eren. One wrong move... and she could find him. One wrong move and she could have known about Mike, too.

''Call them again,'' I insist strongly and I know this isn't the way to go about this. This isn't helping my friend... or anyone. So, Petra stops me from saying it again when no one answers or moves.

''They said we needed to wait a while longer,'' she says.

And I'm glad she is there for Erwin, because I can't be here. There's somewhere else where I need to go right now... and it's important. Really important.

''I need to find, Eren.'' I say quietly... more to myself than to them.

''Eren?'' asks Petra. She follows me around the house as I get to the door. I'm glad I can leave Mikasa in her care right now, because I wouldn't want Mikasa to come with me... if something ever happens. And Petra stops me right before I get to the door, forcing me to turn around and to look at them all. I didn't even notice they followed me here. I was focused on Eren, on texting him and asking him where he is. ''Rivaille... Do you know anything?''

I look at them... one after the other. Petra. Erwin. Auruo. Back to Petra. ''I'm not sure...''

I put my boots back on and my coat. I don't even bother buttoning my coat. It's on my shoulders, it's enough. Petra's hand leaves my arm and I open the front door. It feels like it takes me an eternity. My phone vibrates in my pocket, telling me Eren answered. I have to go, now.

''I'll keep in touch... and tell you if I learn anything. Keep me updated.''

I don't need to ask if they tried Mike's parents or if they tried his cellphone... even his work. I know they did everything they could to reach Mike. I know these two days must have been weird for Erwin... and I know he probably knows this is linked to the night Mike took Eren and I to his work, but I can't apologize right now. I have this feeling... this fucking feeling.

Next thing I know, I'm in my car reading his text message.

**Eren:** I just got back to your place.

-

 

**Levi:** Stay there.

**Levi:** Lock the door.

**Levi:** Do not answer the door for anyone.

**Eren:** W T F?

**Levi:** Call me if someone shows up at the door.

-

 

"Eren!?" I shout out to him the moment I get into the apartment.  I shout it again and again nervously until he finally gives me a goddamned answer and shows his face at the end of the hallway. I can tell, just from the way he looks at me, that none of this makes sense to him... but it's starting to worry him.

"What's up? Why did you tell me to lock the door and call you if someone came... but not to

answer?"

But I can't ease him right now.

"Get your things, we're leaving" is the only thing I say when I walk past him. He walks behind me... so close, we keep bumping into one another.

"Leaving?... Where?"

"Just do it, Eren... I don't want to hang around here to wait for it to happen."

" ** _What_** is going to happen?"

"Where's Armin?"

"He just left, but you didn't ans-"

I throw clothes in my bag. I don't even check if they’re mine or his... or both. I throw them in and move on to the bathroom.  I bump into Eren the moment I turn around and my eyes meet with his worried green orbs... probably as worried as mine. I interrupt his sentence. I do not answer to him... again. 

"Damn it, Eren." I sigh and pass right by him again. "Make yourself useful. Get some food and snacks in the kitchen while I call Armin."

And that's exactly the next thing I do once he leaves for the kitchen. I search for Armin Arlet through my contact list while I throw a toothbrush and the rest of the necessities into my bag. I'm glad the blond answers the moment it rings... because I don't think I could've dealt with waiting.

"Hey, Levi..." he says, and I feel the question under the greeting. I never call Armin Arlet just to chat. Never. 

"Mike is missing..." I start, and I know my voice is betraying me because he immediately asks:

"Do you think they..."

"Maybe?... it's a possibility. Leaving like that and not talking to Erwin for days isn't like him."

And, of course, the next question comes: "Where's Eren?"

"He's..." And then... just then... it hits me. The silence in the apartment. I could hear him moving stuff in the kitchen just a second ago, but there's nothing right now. Nothing at all.

So I call out to him... and I hear Armin asking me again that same question. Eren is... Eren is...

"Eren?"

No answer... I don't even realize my phone slips from my hand until I hear the sound it makes upon hitting the floor. I stop calling Eren's name... I find myself walking into the kitchen and taking a simple broom in my hand. Eren. Eren. Eren.... Eren is...

I don't realize what's happening, really. It comes off as a blur because it happens incredibly fast and I'm not like I used to be back when we were all fighting titans. I come out of the hallway with my improvised weapon before I even see them. I hear muffled sounds and moving around. I'm surprised they managed to stop Eren from thrashing too much, but I realize they're holding him against the floor in a way that really doesn't give him much freedom to move around. It takes a maximum of ten seconds before the broom is out of my hand and I don't even get to see how many people are in my fucking apartment. I glance at Eren. I glance at the open door... that I didn't lock again after entering the apartment. That was silly of me. And then, my face meets with my fucking countertop so hard... I'm amazed I don't hear my nose breaking. Must have been the angle. I'm bleeding... I know I'm bleeding from somewhere above my eyes, because there's blood right in front of me when I open my eyes again. I hear giggles... I am pulled back up and I feel like a ragdoll. Fuck. I'm dizzy. So dizzy. I can't even make out Eren among everyone else. They pull him back up and it takes me a while to register that they are taking him toward the door.

I scream. Wait. No. Don't take him... Fuck! Let me go! But, the moment I start to thrash around, I feel him drag me back toward the counter. At least, it's cold against my swollen face... and I'm back to not seeing anything except the counter and my hair sticking to my face. Their conversation takes a while to actually register in my brain and Eren's screaming doesn't help me focus on anything... except his voice as he calls my name.

''LEVI!''

Loud and panicked.

''What do we do with him?''

''Levi!... GET AWAY FROM HIM!''

''Only the boy is mentioned. I'm assuming he doesn't matter.''

''NO! LET LEVI GO! PLEASE! JUST...!''

''Make him shut up for fuck's sake...''

''LEVI!''

Wait! I try to speak... I find myself coughing and speaking so weakly; it really doesn't reach anyone. I hadn't realized they had landed a few hits on me. I was too focused on my face... that's where it hurts the most. I hear Eren thrashing. I hear them telling him to keep quiet.

''Stay quiet or I'll shoot him...'' someone says and I hear the familiar 'click' I thought I'd never hear outside of a movie. The sound of a gun. Loaded. Ready. Probably right by my head. I swallow. It's difficult.

It grows quiet.

I hear the door close and footsteps... I hear my labored breath and it fills the silence, but the gun doesn't move. I can feel it against the back of my head now... Hard and cold. If I was a fucking believer, this would probably be my cue to pray to whatever God I believe in to spare me or something.

Please, just let Eren go somehow... is my last thought before I hear the gunshot behind me and Eren screaming even louder somewhere in the building... so desperate, it hurts.


	27. Levi

One time.

Two times.

Three times.

I assume I should have been dead already... I assume I should feel some kind of pain biting at me... There is none. The guy holding me in place seems to let go of his grip and I assume that's because I'm done for. It should have been that way in any case. It's not. He completely lets go of me and I hear a big 'Badum' sound behind me... I really _can_ stand back up, but my knees give out on me the moment I pull myself off the countertop with no one to pull my weight up. I fall and I notice the guy fell to the ground right behind me... Eyes and mouth wide open. His shirt is covered in blood... which is mostly his. He was shot. I close my eyes an instant to pull myself back together. I'm alive. I am fucking alive. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not dead yet.

I turn around. There has to be someone there... the person who shot this guy with no second thought. I hear them moving until they're right by my side, crouching down.

''Is Mikasa here?''

Fuck. I can't even manage to answer the simple question. I shake my head. That's the only thing I can manage when I look at him... looking so gentle even though there's a gun in his hands.

''Where is she?''

That's a question I really need to answer... I know why he's asking. He's just making sure that she is safe... that we don't need to put her somewhere safe before going after Eren. Yeah, I know. I know we'll go after Eren the moment I'm back on my feet. I can't stay on my knees forever while Eren is taken somewhere... and probably thinking I am dead. I don't know what he'll do. I can't let him think that. I can't let him go through that again... my death and their stupid experiments. I should have listened to Armin Arlet's advice and kept Eren safe and hidden... I shouldn't have talked to him. Fuck!

So, I sigh, closing my eyes one last time... and, when I open them back up again, I pull myself up and I turn to him as he's standing back up himself.

''She's with her mother. She's safe.''

''We need to get out of here... before the police come here,'' he says, and that's when I realize there is no coming back now. There is no coming back to this apartment. There is no coming back to whatever I had. There was a gunshot in my apartment. They will find dead bodies in my apartment. How the fuck am I going to explain this? How am I going to get back to my life with Mikasa... and Eren.

We're out of the apartment in a flash. I follow him to his car. I walk behind him and I notice his every move... as if I'm wondering if this is actually him. I still can't believe he shot them, but then again... I don't really know him. I never really did. Erwin knew him better than me. Erwin knew the boy had potential... The potential to be a leader like Erwin himself, willing to take risks and to sacrifice to move forward.

I bury my hands in my pockets and I play absently with the only thing I took with me: a piece of paper that used to be on the fridge. I keep it safe; that last thing is our place to go to, I guess... to return to, because I won't return to the apartment and I realize I'm really making my farewell to my apartment as it becomes smaller and smaller on the other side of the window of the car. It's the last time I'll ever see it... probably, and I turn around to welcome the sight of the surprising boy sitting right next to me. Let's move on to the next topic, Armin Arlet:

''We need to get Eren out of there.''

-

 

We don't have time for this and his plan is bullshit. I don't know what to think anymore... This plan of his doesn't make any sense and I'm really not sure what to think of him at this point. He tells me of some stupid plan and I think he's naive, yet I see the gun he left on the counter to tend to my wounds and... No. Armin Arlet isn't naive. He is serious and more reliable than me considering I'm getting patched up after a fight where I didn't even fight back. I just stood there. I took it. I didn't even know what the fuck happened. It just happened.... and it was pretty lame. I'm irritated about it. I wish I could have done something... anything. Fuck. I was so useless. I don't even know what I'll be able to do to help Eren and to get him out of there, but I need to do something. Anything.

''There is no way this will work.'' I tell him again, and again. He's done explaining. It's my turn now to tell him how this stupid plan of his... can barely be called a plan. He makes it sound easy, way too easy. ''They probably know I'm still in the picture by now... so, they'll probably expect me to come take Eren back. We can't just walk in like that.''

And he smiles.

Armin Arlet smiles back at me like he knows something I don't... and he goes: ''Who said we would walk in?''

Wait... What? ''If you say running, I'm slaughtering you,'' I warn him. I am not playing this smart ass game in your apartment. I'm not in the mood for this bullshit. Eren is gone. My head is throbbing and the pain killers aren't exactly helping. I saw a bottle of pills from the pharmacy with Eren's name on the prescription... and this shower gel in the corner of the shower is definitely Eren's. I don't know. I never thought I'd get in this apartment. In Armin's apartment. In the place they hung out and... stuff.  This whole fucking thing is annoying me to no end... it gives me a sense of urgency in getting Eren back. It makes me restless.

At least, running isn't what Armin Arlet says when he stands back up. Oh no. He says:

''Flying.''

-

 

''What the fuck do you mean... flying?'' I repeat without getting any answer. Still. Armin Arlet leads me further into his apartment and I keep noticing more and more of Eren’s stuff even though I don’t want to see it: some of his clothes all folded in an open box with some of his stupid accessories, a message written on a board in the kitchen signed Eren... all this, to lead me into the bedroom... the fucking bedroom with a double bed smaller than my queen bed. The fucking bedroom where Eren slept at times and I realize I miss my bedroom... my bedroom and my bed occupied with his body. I miss it. I want to go back. Fuck. I don’t want to go back to before I met him at that baseball match... but, I want to get back to that point when Hanji didn’t know.

I can’t.

For now, I can just watch as Armin Arlet searches through his wardrobe and pulls stuff out of it... and I’m thinking how far away did he put whatever he is searching for, but I know why the moment I see him pull a big box out of the closet and he shows me the contents.

He didn’t want Eren to see this.

-

 

Oh no. I can't believe this. I just fucking can't believe this. This is crazy. I must be crazy. The straps all around my body feel like they belong there. The weight on my hips feels familiar. The handles in my hands are comfortable. From the feeling of the wind on my face, in my hair... and the sight I see from this place high above, to the tightness of the gear on my limbs... It feels right. All of it. Sure, it's a city below my feet as I stand on the edge of one of the tallest buildings of Montreal, but it's still the sight of a city from high above. It's not really different from the sight of the city from high above on the gear or the walls years ago. It's the same.... yet, it's not.

''Are you sure this is working?'' I ask while I test every strap again for the tenth time and go over the whole _home-made_ 3DMG gear... again.

''Yes... I made it myself and I tried them.''

Armin made this. Armin is intelligent. Armin is a genius. It’s probably working fine. It feels the same. It looks the same... without swords, but still the same. I know how to make this work. I can make it work... and we’ll get an advantage with this, I know, but I’m not Batman and he’s not Robin. I’m not scared of heights, but this is kind of crazy when I look down at the street below my feet... and it hits me, I’m close to the edge. Dangerously close.

...because, I’m not scared.

I do not freak out when he asks if I’m ready and gets in position next to me... ready to jump. More than anything, I’m excited... incredibly excited. I can’t wait to feel my feet off the ground and the wind in my hair... I won’t forget that feeling. That nostalgic feeling. I didn’t realize I missed it until I shifted my weight on my feet and launched the hook... Pulled forward... Pulled in the air... I remember how I missed it.

I remember how good I am at this... and how I can fight with this.

-

 

It’s a shame I can’t wander in town with it because the feeling is great... and I never get bored of it.

-

 

With the first hook thrown correctly, the glass breaks... I can’t be sure what level this is, but we’re pretty high in the sky. With the second hook, I pull myself in the building and Armin follows behind me. Of course, the alarm goes off. Of course, the glass shatters and I have to protect myself with my arms. I check on Armin the moment our feet touch the ground... and then, on me... and Fuck! I realize; I smiled. I fucking smiled when I was up in the air.

And, when I look at Armin, I realize there’s a little smile on his lips too.

''I missed that feeling,'' says Armin, and it’s one of the rare times where I agree with him.

_Me too._

''We’re not done, yet.''

Not nearly done. He knows. I know. We reach the middle of the building, the open area, when we get to see security walking toward us, to the stairs... and some, to the elevator... the one elevator leading to Eren. I really don’t know where I get all my courage from, but I climb on the glass fence like I don’t even know fear anymore and I jump. I just jump.

-

 

When Armin Arlet sees the Titans, he stands close to the glass between him and... them. His big blue eyes shine with a far cry of Eren's shine when he fights Titans and gets pumped up. I feel like even though I had told him... even though he knew and prepared this whole thing, it still surprises him. Hell, he made this whole thing possible. He got into the building and we did surprise everyone when we jumped down from one of the upper floors right into the main elevator. They tried to stop us, of course, but the gear saved our asses... and I found myself some fighting spirit with all the familiarity all over my body. I knocked a few of the men out using my gear to move myself around them. It was my element... I felt confident with the gear.

I owe Armin Arlet a lot.

''There are a lot more than I thought...'' whispers the blonde and I nod. Yes. There are a lot. I feel like there are even more than the last time I was in here... and I'm just hoping she didn't manage to break Annie out of her shell and make more Titans with her strength. I fucking hope not, but I warn Armin anyway.

''Annie could be awake somewhere else too.''

''Not that I know... but it is a possibility, indeed.''

There's a little pause after that where I see his eyes scan the area and I keep quiet, as to not bother him. I feel like he knows exactly where everything is... and I don't, so I let him look over everything in his mind to prepare the best course of action. The next step of his plan. I'm not one to follow blindly, but I guess I can trust Armin Arlet on this one... like I trusted Erwin Smith years ago when he was the commander.

However, when Armin Arlet speaks again... a chill runs up my spine.

''We'll use the Titans to create a commotion...''

I ask the question even though I'm already assuming what he wants to do... as if, I don't know. As if I hope it's not what I think it is. ''How?''

''We'll free them.''

And it makes sense, really. The security will be busy fighting the Titans and we'll have it a lot easier as we get Eren out of here. It'll give us time and more freedom... But I am reminded of the walls and of humanity hiding behind them like some kind of animal in a cage... ready to be eaten. 


	28. Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter in Levi's POV... and then, one more in Eren's... and Bang! The end! =) I can't wait for you all to read the end...!!! OMAHGAWD!

It all stops. No more walking. No more pulling at me to keep me walking. No more rushing for me to get to the car. It’s like everything stops as the pain goes through me. One. Two. Three. It hits. It strikes me down and it’s like I’m shot from behind. It pushes me forward a little as I suddenly fall down to my knees... and then to my ass. Like a lifeless doll, it’s like I can’t even feel my own body anymore. Like a black hole taking place in my chest, I’m swallowed by the pain... by the absence and then, just then, when I open my mouth to scream... It pours out of me like a river and I can’t breathe. It won’t stop spilling.

I’m bleeding... Fuck! I’m losing blood. So much blood. I’m dying. I should be dying, but my shirt isn’t soaked in blood when I grab it in my fist and there is no hole going through me. There’s nothing. It’s not me... It’s Levi.

Blood isn’t pouring out of my mouth and I’m not drowning in it... I’m just screaming so much, I can’t even breathe. No. I’m not even screaming. I howl to Levi like a wolf does it to the moon.

I howl until I can’t hear them freaking out anymore. I howl until I can’t even feel their grip under my arms to drag me toward the car. I howl until I’m starting to feel dizzy. I howl until I feel better... but, I don’t, so I howl until they stuff my mouth with some cloth.

And, I thrash around until they knock me out because I’m too much.

 

-

 

I feel like a withered flower... I’m dry. I’m dying. Their voices around the bed are just an annoying buzzing. Like bees. They work. They get my dry body on the bed and I feel like I’m about to fall apart when they lift me up. I recognize a needle and I’d normally freak the fuck out when they try to touch me... to push it through my skin to inject me with whatever. I would if I wasn’t so fucking broken apart. I would if I wasn’t giving up again. I would if I wasn’t just an empty shell on that bed... seeing them like I’m watching a distant movie.

You know what? I just don’t care anymore. They can do whatever they want. I don’t even feel the pinch on my skin where the needle bites. I feel the ache in my chest like there’s something broken... No. Missing. Just that. I don’t feel any more than that. Nothing else. I am that hole. It swallowed me... and it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done crying. I can’t even cry anymore. I’m dead already. I know the patterns now. The room with nothing other than a bed and a basic bathroom, I’ve been there before. I’ve been in this situation before and I remember too well. I know how this goes. I know how it ends. It won’t happen again. I know better this time.

Levi is dead.

-

 

I'm left alone. Then, someone comes. I do not see Hanji, but I hear her name among the conversations they have when they're in the room. Hanji said this. Hanji wants us to do this... and I don't pay attention. I wonder how long it's been, but I never ask. I think it's been days, but it might just be because I feel like time isn't going by fast. It probably isn't days. I'm not hungry... yet. They didn't bring me food. They brought a lot of needles and other machines and, each time I open my eyes... The room felt more like a hospital room than anything else.

And, as it grows more into a hospital room... The feeling of dread increases.

More.

And more.

And then, just as I realize that I am less sleepy, the door opens again. Refill? Yeah, a refill of the drug to get me to sleep I assume..., but I'm not sleepy and I'm too conscious for my own good. Eyes wide open to the white room and closing the moment the two figures get in sight. Not hazy enough to ignore the words exchanged above my head... and thinking this is just going to be another stupid conversation I don't care about.

It starts like one. It really does.

''He's been very calm ever since he got here... I'll reduce the dose a little.''

And I really don't care about that. Just make me sleepy. Just make it so strong that it fucking kills me or something... I don't care. I don't even want to be awake... I don't want to hear about the bullshit you'll be trying to get me to swallow later like you did back then. Where's Hanji? She's preparing something... right? Right?

I won't fall for this again.

''I heard the alarm of the higher level went off... ''

I won't fall for this again.

''Yeah... but, it's probably nothing to worry about.''

Exactly. That's right. It's nothing. Probably a false alert... or something, but the first voice speaks again. Low. So low, it's barely a whisper, but the quiet room lets me hear it: ''I heard they lost some men when they went to get the boy though...''

 No. Stop it. I won't... I won't fall for this again. NEVER AGAIN.

''What if  _they_  came back for him?''

I won't fall for this again!

-

 

Ring.

You can ring all you fucking want...

Ring.

I won't fall for this again...

Ring.

It isn't the alarm. It's not because there's an intruder. It's because something is going wrong somewhere, but it doesn't have anything to do with me. Levi is dead. Stop trying to mess with my head.

Leave me alone!

-

 

It is 1:04. That's exactly the time I see on the clock at the end of the hallway when I dare to look outside... It nearly took me 30 minutes to give up and step outside the room after I heard the familiar lock of the door. The door was opening and letting the alarm ring even louder in my ears, but no one was entering the room with me. I didn't even hear footsteps. I heard nothing... just the loud ringing that wouldn't stop. I could've walked out of the room right that instant, but I didn't. I didn't want to believe this. I didn't want to accept this. They were definitely trying to fool me... There was no way... and I wouldn't fall for this again.

So, I waited. I wrapped myself under the blanket and I covered my head with my pillow... and I covered my ears with my hands even though it caused the needles in my arms to sting. Everything, but this fucking sound.

It didn't stop.

And curiosity got the best of me.

The floor is cold under my feet... and my legs are a lot weaker than I thought they would be. I find myself walking against the wall to steady myself. The ground shaking once in a while really doesn't help. The needles that I roughly got out of my arms left marks and caused a little bit of bleeding, but I wipe it with the stupid shirt I have on... or is it a dress? It's way too thin and it's way too cold in here, but I can't find it in me to go back to my room to wrap myself up in blankets. Just like I avoid thinking about the door on the other end of the corridor... the one door that is probably leading out... out to what?

I avoid it. I don't even look at it. I take a look at every room in the hallway and I find them all empty, but I refuse to look until it is the last one and my legs feel a lot more steady already even though I'm not clear of the drug at all. I'm still dizzy. I'm still not in my normal state, but I can walk better... faster. If anything happens, I should be able to let go of the wall.

Probably.

I'll be fine... It's just exploration. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't imply that I have to let go of Levi or anything. It's just curiosity. I know Levi is dead and I won't fall for their trap, I'm just checking. Just that. The door is opening and there's nothing scary on the other side... after all, the worst happened already, right? It's just another room... It's just another hallway.

 That's what I tell myself, anyway.

But, the floor could have dropped and it would have had the same feeling as the sight welcoming me when I enter this one room... because, right there... Right in front of me... Breaking through the suspended hallway...    stands an immense Titan.

The shape of his body... his eyes and then, his incredible mouth with a row of teeth. I back away until my back hits the door again and I refuse to let my eyes off of him. Off of his mouth and the grotesque shape it has, like a smile. Creepy. Terrible. A fucking smile, like he's happy to see me and he's eager to eat me. His hand comes for me through the opening he managed to make and I press myself against the wall until the door opens and I fall to my ass on the other side. Fingers get caught in the opening and I crawl back on the floor until I'm positive that I am out of range.

Although it doesn't last... Loud shattering reaches my ears and then, the hand reach further. So much further. Fuck. No. Move back. More. Back out! More! I don't make it. I don't even realize he caught me until I feel my feet off the ground... pulled by the shirt. I pull at the shirt in an attempt to get it off. I throw my fist at the fingers and I refuse to look at the room below me... at the mouth below me.

Oh my god... Why am I dying to Titans in this Era? They shouldn't even be here! This is so unfair. I survived. I killed them in the past and now, I'm here... I'm useless. I'm like a little doll in their hands again. I'm fighting even though it's useless. Humans can't fight them with their fists. Humans fight them with weapons... and I...

I fought them as a Titan.

It goes through me in a rush... like a movie on fast-forward. I remember the biting. I remember Levi's squad biting their hands to speak to me with their actions... louder than words. I remember the boulder on my shoulder when I tried to block the gate. I remember the thundering sound going off in my ears when I transformed... and how I just wouldn't fucking die.

 Next thing I know, blood pours into my mouth for real this time and my teeth tear through the flesh like a fruit.

-

 

10 th  time... or is it the 11 th ? Maybe it’s the 12 th . I’m not sure. My hand is covered in blood... and I can’t get my body to transform fully. At best, I get my hand to transform and I get to shield myself a little for when they try to hurt me... and that’s how I managed to free myself.

... And attract more Titans in the process, of course.

My back hits the wall again. My head slams against it. Fuck. It hurts and it’s ringing in my ears... and it’s not the alarm. Damn it. It takes me a second or two before I get my things together again. I look up to four Titans now and I see more of them coming... joining them through some wall falling apart, because this whole place is falling apart now. If I ever wondered why the floor was shaking earlier, that must have been why... Titans running around and buildings never made a good pair, to be honest. I stand back. I pull myself back up against the wall and I pull like crazy to get my hand out of the damn Titan’s hand I have... only to fall back on my ass and hit my head against the wall. Again.

Ouch! Fuck! That one was hard. I’m breathless. Transforming is so hard... and now it’s painful. I’m tired. I can’t close my eyes. Not yet. I can’t die like this. There is no way I’ll let myself get eaten. There’s no way a fucking Titan will kill me. I will kill them! Not the other way around.

So, here I am, standing back up against them and I yell even though my throat is dry and my voice is rough:

" I'LL KILL YOU ALL! "

-

 

When I try to recall exactly what I did as a Titan, it’s never really clear... It’s always a blur of images... or fighting and Titans smashed under my fist and my feet. I’m not really sure how many I killed either. I just know there’s a lot of steam all around when I finally get myself out of this form. It’s not too hard. Still doable. Next time, I doubt I'll get out of it. The room is burning up and I don’t really care where I go... I just go through the first door I find in an attempt to get a little bit of my strength back because I’m really tired. Really, really tired.

I don’t pay attention and I don’t care if I’m going outside or not. I don’t look forward to leaving this place. I don’t even plan on leaving... There’s nothing for me outside. Levi isn’t there. I have no house to go back to... and I'll never get that house by the water with him. I tell myself I have a family now, but I can’t really tell myself that I belong now that I know I’m not even from this world. My world, my era... everything is far away from here. Just like the Titans, I shouldn’t even be here anyway. So, I walk and I search for more Titans to kill without caring about the exit or my own survival.

And, as if I was guided to it... I find myself in front of a pair of blue eyes I never thought I’d see again.

She says my name experimentally... like she’s testing her own voice. It’s quiet. It’s raspy. It still remains her usual emotionless voice, but her eyes shine with the closest thing to emotion I’ve ever seen in her. Almost like... Almost like curiosity.

" I knew that growl was familiar... " She says. 

" Why are you... awake? " 

" You look like you can barely walk... let alone transform again. "

" Why did you wake up now? "

" What’s this sound? It’s so loud. " What? The alarm? She cringes. She covers her ears as if proving her point, but I still don’t listen to her. If she would just answer my questions!

But then, just then, it strikes me as odd that she isn’t straight out lashing out at me to attack me... to eat me... to take me away. She just stands there and I realize she might look a little bit more out of it than I’m used to... and...

" Do you even remember what happened? "

" I’m in the Military Police and I..."

" You don’t... "  Pause. Oh my god... She doesn’t remember everything. She’s a little bit confused as to what happened to her. She didn’t notice how she turned to crystal either. Just like me, she... probably wouldn’t even notice.  " This isn’t like the walls... We’re... You slept for thousands of years. The Military Police don’t exist anymore... Everyone is... "

" Dead ," she finishes and I nod carefully... I always liked Annie and I always thought she was a smart girl, but I just can’t let my guard down when she’s right there in front of me and I know she’s the female Titan. I know what she is... She still is. "My village too..."

Silence... Pause. I don’t want to think about what her village brought to my life... to Levi, to Mikasa... To me. The words are harder to say than I thought they would be.

" Most likely... not there anymore. "

She's a human girl too, after all... and I see the closest thing to sadness I've ever seen in her face... and, for some reason, I feel it reach over to my heart... squeezing it until I get teary eyes again. No. I won't cry again. I'm done with this. I'm dying in this place... and, maybe, it's for the best. No more Titans. No more shitty experiments. If I get reborn, then I'll be just a boy.

And she'll be just a girl again.

If I get reborn, we can be friends. If I get reborn, I'll just search for Levi again... and I should hurry with dying, so I'm not too young for him again. Maybe he's already a newborn baby somewhere in the world. Maybe the timing matters in this kind of thing. Mikasa would be older than me this time around... and it would suit her, just like this world suits her... because she belongs here.

I don't.

And my eyes meet Annie’s eyes... and she doesn't belong here either, so the words just flow out of my mouth like it's the most obvious thing ever: ''We shouldn't even be in this world... Titans shouldn't exist in this time anymore, so we should just...''

And maybe it is obvious... maybe it's simple like that, because she ends my sentence before I can get the last word out:

''Die.''

Yes. We should just die and end this whole story, but there's something I need to do first.

''I have to kill them all... first.'' I say and her blue eyes do not even flinch. It's like she knows. It's like she doesn't care anymore. I never really knew her, but maybe we're not so different.... maybe we both wish we could've done more. Maybe we both had our reasons. Maybe we both don't have our reasons anymore... so, yeah, it doesn't matter anymore.

But I won't let anyone else kill them.

It's my job.

For an instant, we both stand there and she looks at me like she's slowly taking it all into consideration. With calculating eyes, she goes over me from head to toe and I know I probably don't look very capable right now, but I'll get it done. I know. I can do anything when I set my sights on it... Anything!

She sighs quietly and, for an instant, I feel like she’ll just walk away from me like nothing happened, but then she looks at me again and she goes: "Eat me."

Whoa... What?

" Are you crazy? "  You must be.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... some stuff happened. I don't want to talk about it. I'm good tho. I am typing all this down for you; everyone who loved this story and wants to know the end. It might be rushed. I hope it isn't too bad and still worth your time to read. I hope. I'm typing this from my phone. My computer isn't working and I am absolutely not in any position to get it fixed right now. Not that I want to. Not for now. It's not a priority.
> 
> Maybe later.
> 
> Anyway, this wasn't beta-ed... since I don't exactly have Words to sent it to her. I hope it's still... readable and not the frenchy doesn't show too much ahah.

Knees to the ground in a cloud of dust. Unable to prevent it, as if... As if, my very bones are shaking. Blood boiling in my veins and a terrible headaches throbbing. The loud growl isn't helping, definitely not. It is the loudest one so far. It is the most overwhelming one. It shakes my very core. It hurts. I'm close. I'm definitely closer now. Almost there. Just a little bit more.

The name finds its way to me like it's the most obvious thing in the world... And it is. I'd recognize that growl anywhere. It is him. It is definitely his. The sight I get when I finally reach the balcony to look down below, only confirms it. That fighting form. That brown mop of hair. That mouth... yeah, that mouth. I could probably mention the steam rising, but I won't. My eyes are glued to his Titan's face... covered in blood. It doesn't strike me right way, and maybe it should. I barely notice the mess of blood between his feet. I barely notice the corpse in his hands. I barely notice the way he opens his mouth to swallow the last piece of it. I see light blonde hair... and, more importantly, I see a blood bath. He growls again. Louder. So much louder. His form rises. It's like he's getting bigger..., but really he's simply standing tall. Taller.

It's like he's stronger... less tired, maybe.

He stomps Titans like ants under his feet. Brutal. Bloody. Not only that, he fights like he's dying. He growls like he's crying... or screaming.  I barely hear my cell phone going off when Armin texts me. I feel it vibrates against my thigh more than anything.

 **Armin** : It's going down

And that, it does.

Everything goes dark... then the emergency lights gets on. just enough to be able to see... see Eren destroying everything. Not something I exactly want to see. It's not the wisest idea, but it's the only one I have, and I throw the hook down to reach him... I need to get to him. I need to pull him out of there. Well, that's what I intend, anyway.

It doesn't go that way.

And it's not as smooth as I would like it to go when I fall on one of the balcony below... still above Eren and his mountain of Titan corpses. To be honest, my eyes automatically goes to Eren and I try to understand what the fuck happened to my gear to make me fall lamely. I blame Eren's long limb... and how his mind gets all confused when he's in Titan form, but it's not him. Not at all.

''Levi!'' She says almost in a sing-song way and... Fuck! It makes me cringes.

''Hanji...'' I start with a sigh. Fuck that crazy woman and her damn passion. Always taking it too far. I realize Eren is slowly getting exhausted. I hear him fall to his knee and I feel the very ground shakes when he does. I lose my balance and I hold myself up with the ramp... and I consider inversing our position... to thrown her down there. She's alone. All alone.

But I don't...

''What did you do to Mike?'' I find myself asking instead.

I have no excuse, really. I just hesitate. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to be the old Levi. I lose my chance. I try to shift our position so I can run down the stairs... or just jump to another fucking level, but she won't budge and I'm stuck with my back against the ramp, which isn't exactly the strongest thing to lean on right now. She just won't let me get to him...

''This isn't exactly the time to be worried about Mike, is it?''

Silence. Fuck you. Fuck you and your damned building. Let me get Eren...  I am not getting out of here without him. Never again. He probably didn't even realize I'm alive yet... and I won't have him go through that yet. Never again.

Not _Eren._

It's just a coincidence, of course, but Eren crashes against the wall at that moment.. the wall below us. It shakes. Everything shakes. He lumps against the wall underneath us... like another dead Titan among all of them. The ramp gives out under me. The balcony almost gets off the fall and Hanji falls forward. I don't even pay attention to her situation. She can fall to her death for all I care! The moment I see her lose her balance again, I thank Eren mentally and I rush to the wall instead and run down to the lower level. 1 level. 2 level. Eren's head is starting to get closer... so much closer. I feel the burning steam going off his Titan body, but... Fuck it all! I still jump on his neck and I push between the long strand of hair... between the burning flesh as if turns to steam, as if it's melting.

I scream his name... in an attempt to make him aware of me and I hear him call for me weakly, so fucking weak: ''...Levi?''

I rush. I ignore the pain. I can't stay in this shithole any longer... we need to get out of here. I just hope the gear still works so I can bring us up to the surface again. I grab him. I pull at him. I fucking pull using all  of the strength left in my body. I don't even know how can I still pull it off because I feel wiped out, but his voice brings the adrenaline in my blood boiling.

''I'm so tired,'' he says and I answer with what I believe to be the most confident voice possible when I say: ''Come on, Eren!''

But, he keeps on talking... He keeps on talking. Too low. I barely register a few words. Something along the line of doing something terrible... something to Annie...  Something about needing to kill them all. All of them. Again. And Again.

And I pull. And I fucking pull like crazy to pull him out of that damn Titan without any sword to cut him out correctly.

''You can do it!'' I scream to myself... or is it to him?

Do what exactly? Get out of the Titans? Get to the surface? Live without me? It's probably something dramatic along those lines because... I hear a gunshot behind me. Then, the pains bites my chest and I feel my legs giving up just as I give one last push. My legs? No. That's an understatement, my whole body gives out. More gunshot... Is it aiming at me? It is piercing through me?

I can't tell anymore. I can't feel anymore.

I can only hear my name fading away in the distance as Eren calls out to me... until I can't even hear that anymore.


	30. Chapter 30

Green. Green everywhere. Green like the light at the intersection on the road. Green like an apple. Green like... the healthiest green you can possibly imagine. Green like the wilderness. Everywhere. Underneath my feet. Above my head. The path takes me deeper in the green. The green opens up to the sky above my head. It's not a familiar sight. Not for a city boy like me.

However, it's not a sight I dislike.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here... I'm nothing special. The story of my life starts with Sasha Blouse meeting Connie Springer when she was barely out of childhood. The love of her life, she says. It isn't hard to reach that height when you're the only one she ever had, but it never fails to make my dad proud. He's smaller than me. I was his height at like... what... twelve? Something like that. It's a story he loves to tell everyone. Just like my mother loves to give me the most stupid nickname I've ever heard. I went to the day care. I went to school and I still do, except that I now stand in front of the black board. I went from learning... to teaching. I like to think I'm a good teacher. I hope. It's not like everybody likes Science though. That's pretty much the end of the story. My story. My life. Nothing special about it.

''Re-Re,'' says Sasha Blouse over the phone in that stupid purring voice. It sounds like a cat. A cat purring, that's exactly what it sounds like. Not a cute one. ''You didn't even see the place yet...''

''Do I have to see it? It's a mistake. Obviously, it is. I don't even know them and they are giving me a house... a fucking house.''

''I know them. Your dad knows them too.''

''... but, _I_ 've never meet them!''

''You did... You were still a little baby boy!'' she says with that stupid voice, like she's talking to a dog... or a baby... or simply being silly. Probably the last one. Then, she gets quiet for an instant... just an instant, before continuing quietly: ''Erwin was a great friend of my friend's daddy when I was a teenager... and the other was a friend of Connie and I, Armin.''

I know. I know exactly what she's talking about. I know how her childhood friend suddenly went off somewhere in the middle of her teen. I know how one of their friend died in the middle of what happened years ago... I know. Of course, I know. I've dreamt of that death a lot. I've dreamt of hands leaving me. I've dreamt of gunshot. I've dreamt of my own voice calling to someone... not to leave me behind, to stay with me. I've dreamt of the gunshot again. I've dreamt of his death... of legs covered with leather straps as they looked at my dying figure on the ground as I held someone else's hand.

I dreamt of their voice, telling me to keep on wishing... wishing to meet _**him**_ again.

Many time.

Too many time.

So, I accept it. I accept her explanation. I give it a chance and I follow the path in the forest... toward what should be... a place to unlock with this key they gave me.

Believe me, it's true. I'm normal. Everything about me is normal. Well, it was... until I got this letter saying some couple I didn't really know was giving me their house. Their huge house according to the documents. I didn't really believe it. I thought it was a mistake and each time my mother told me it wasn't with a certainty I wasn't familiar with... not coming from her. So, I listened. I followed the indications to some mystical place in the wood where a propriety supposedly waited for me.

And **it did** wait for me judging by the way the door opens like a charm when I use my brand new key.

There's something about this place. Something about the way the door open to the living room. I know it before I see it. I know there's a fire place on that wall... I know the hallway leads to the bedroom on the other side of the house without even seeing it. I know the kitchen opens to the balcony... and it does. I call for someone, anyone.

''Hello? Anyone there?''

No one. I hear nothing, so I thread carefully into the house. I remove my shoes without even thinking about it. It's like I know... unconsciously. It's like I already know. I probably do.

It's eerie. It's the way the light comes through the window and the open door... speaking of which, there's probably someone in here if the door is wide open.

So, I go. I keep going. It leads me outside... then, down the path to the lake... then, back to **him.**

It just happens. My heart hammers in my chest like it's trying to break me. My breath comes in and out in short puff... I barely see his small form in the sun and yet, my whole body freaks out. Everything about him. From the way he moves, to the way he jumps in and out of the boat to anchor it to the deck. Sometimes, it's like two pictures... one on top of another. This one and then, one with a cloak dancing in the wind behind him. And then, finally, he turns. It's the way he switches his weight from left of right with his hips jutting out. It's the way he holds his stupid straw hat on his head when the wind raises.

I just know, so I drop my bag, I run and I scream... Oh, I scream.

''Levi!''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to write Armin's chapter when I get the chance... writing on a phone is absolutely the worst! I do not promise anything... I hope it's clear enough that Armin and Erwin built the house and gave it back to Levi... and Eren, before they passed? O.o'
> 
> I kind of wanted to imply... how they found each other again, in the end ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Resmiranda](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Resmiranda/pseuds/Resmiranda) for reading me, correcting me and also teaching me a bit more about English!  
> You're a huge help and made this Fanfic better! =)


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